


Stand By Me

by MsHydeStylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Car Accident, Coming Out, Drug Use, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Awakening, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions of Death, Minor Character Death, Nurse!Louis, POV Harry, POV Louis, Possible Dubious Consent, References to Depression, Rockstar!Harry, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide/Drug Overdose, Temporary Amnesia, alcohol use, cursing, they kind of share that really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-01-04 04:00:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 100,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18335759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsHydeStylinson/pseuds/MsHydeStylinson
Summary: He was almost home when his eyes caught the text sprayed on the wall saying ”Treat People With Kindness”. Yeah, right. He couldn’t help but laugh bitterly. How naïve are some people? The world was too fucking unfair to even consider thinking like that. One day, sooner or later, they would learn their lesson just like everyone else and their own carefully built little Shangri-La would collapse in the blink of an eye. Just like Harry’s had. Poof, and everything had gone.---Or, In the wake of a tragic event, Harry left home at the age of nineteen, leaving behind everything he ever loved.  The only thing that kept him going was his passion for music and his dream of making it big in the entertainment world.What happens when Harry later encounters the man who once broke his heart?  Is it possible to find forgiveness for the person who bitterly betrayed him? Could love really prevail despite the trauma he carries with him from his past?





	1. Prologue (Chapter One)

**Author's Note:**

> Finally this fic is ready to be posted! It took almost a year from the first idea to when the fic was completed. Even if I had a very clear vision from the start, I still suspended this for months before I started to write again. But all the time I knew this fic needed to be written. There just was no other option. This is a story with some heavy topics, so please, read the tags and trigger warnings beforehand. I used them very generously, but better safe than sorry. I’m going to put extra warnings in the notes of a couple of the chapters. 
> 
> You can always contact me if you some questions you want to ask or just want to say hi.
> 
> Twitter @MsHydeStylinson  
> Tumblr [mizzhydes](https://mizzhydes.tumblr.com)
> 
> I want to thank the mods for organizing this year’s One Direction Big Bang. I really appreciate your hard work. You’ve done an excellent job!
> 
> Thank you Sara [Crosstheuniverse](http://crosstheuniverse.tumblr.com) for making the beautiful moodboards for this fic. It was a pleasure to work with you, and I love your edits! Go to check her other edits, too. x
> 
> And last, but definitely not least, my wonderful beta Jennie [Canadianlarrie](http://canadianlarrie.tumblr.com) . I don’t even know where to start. Gosh. You have been an absolute gem since the day our paths crossed for the first time. You have done a massive job with editing my text, suggesting things and adding your own spice into this fic. Especially your help with Harry’s coming out story was crucial, just to mention one. You didn’t let me go easy. You forced me to dig under the surface to find the answers and pushed me to try a little bit harder all the time and it worked well. This was my best work to date and I’m so happy I was able to do it with you. One more time, thank you so much! xxx
> 
> At the beginning of every chapter I've included a link to the song that inspired me to write each chapter. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy reading this story as much I enjoyed writing it. It’s a bumpy ride, so buckle up!  
> Kudos and comments are always welcome. But when leaving constructive feedback, please, choose your words kindly. 
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not real, never happened, complete fiction, etc. Please do not take any of this seriously, as it is all fake. Please do not translate or repost on any other site.

 

 

[Metallica - Enter Sandman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD-E-LDc384)

Prologue (Chapter 1)  
Harry

“Hush little baby, don't say a word  
And never mind that noise you heard  
It's just the beasts under your bed  
In your closet, in your head”

 

***

London, spring 2015

 

_”He’s dead, Harry! He’s dead!” The voice shouted. It was loud, but Harry couldn’t see the face of the person screaming. He only heard the horror in their voice as the words sank into his mind. He tried to answer but nothing came out._

_Suddenly, someone handed him a photo of widely smiling boy. His eyes shone brightly, and happiness was visible on his young face. It made Harry smile too, until he heard the person scream again._

_”Dead, dead, dead!” The voice repeated over and over again._

_”No, he isn’t.” This time Harry was able to yell back. ”Look, he’s fine. He’s fine!” Harry thrusted the picture he was clenching against his chest in the direction of the voice._

_”But there’s no one in the photo.” The dark voice replied._

_Harry turned the photo around to take a look for himself and wailed. The place where, just moments ago, he had cradled a framed picture of the familiar face, had now vanished into thin air. The only thing discernable from absolute darkness was a scarlet coloured rope that seemed to be suspended in mid air, and intricately tied into a sheet knot — the type of knot that wouldn’t loosen no matter how much you tried._

_And Harry tried desperately to unravel the sophisticatedly woven knot, but nothing happened. He tried for so long that the tips of his fingers were raw and bleeding. He pleaded for someone to help him, but nobody came. Even the person who was screaming had disappeared, and it was dead silence all around him. But that didn’t stop him. He had to undo the knot. There was no time left, it had to happen and it had to happen now._

_By the grace of god herself, Harry felt the knot starting to give way. He felt the relief wash through his entire body and a smile started to curve his lips upward. Just before he got it open, the picture frame reappeared with the familiar face displayed in it. But as the frame reemerged, so too he felt the rope slip through his fingers and he could only stare helplessly at it as it began its descent into darkness, pulling with it the picture frame that Harry was holding onto for dear life._

”NOOOO!”

Harry jolted awake, gasping for air. He was drenched in sweat and his heart pounded rapidly against his ribcage. The nightmare had felt so vividly real.

The room was dark, but Harry didn’t need any light to know that the picture sitting on his bookcase was the same one that had been in his dream. The smiling face would stare at him. The face of a young man he once knew so well.

It didn’t take much time for Harry to acknowledge that even if he had woken up from his bad dream, the nightmare was still there and still very real. It didn’t matter if he was awake or asleep. It was always around, like a dark, ominous cloud looming overhead in the sky before a thunderstorm. It was a presence he wasn’t able to shake.

Because it wasn’t just a nightmare. It was his reality.

He hadn’t had these dreams in ages, so why now? Everything had felt too lucid. Again. The pain that ripped through his heart was still as strong and visceral as it had been years ago. So sharp that it caught his breath.

With slightly tremulous legs Harry got up out of bed, his skin tacky with perspiration, and he cautiously padded into the bathroom. When he washed his hands a few moments later, he lifted his gaze up to his own reflection in the mirror.

The reflection he barely recognized anymore.

The skin visible under his stubble looked grey and lifeless. His hair was wild, sweaty and sticking to his forehead. But the scariest part were the eyes looking back at him in the reflection of the mirror; dark circles surrounded the green irises that used to be so charismatic and full of life. Now they appeared dull empty, and so fucking bitter.

How had he ended up like this?

He was a star. He had his music and his amazing career. He had millions of fans around the world. He had money and fame. He had everything he had ever hoped and dreamed of.

Except the people he needed the most.

Some of them had gone forever. Some of them he had cut from his life himself. Some of them he still had, but was too scared to face them, because seeing them would tear open the scars again. Even thinking about it made his chest hurt so badly.

When had bitterness become such an overpowering emotion for him that it pushed everything else aside? Could he ever learn to feel joy or happiness again? Or love, without it feeling so gut wrenchingly painful?

He didn’t know. He even didn’t know if wanted to try. Everyone who had ever meant something to him is now gone in one way or another.

Maybe he just should give up, too.


	2. Chapter 2

[ ABBA - Our Last Summer ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoyNlVQbUPc)

Chapter 2

Harry 

 

_“I can still recall our last summer_  
_I still see it all_  
_Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain_  
_Our last summer  
Memories that remain”_

 

***

  _February 2009_

 

It all seemed like any other Saturday morning as Harry stumbled downstairs, his eyes and limbs still thick and groggy from sleep. Nothing could have predicted that this February day would turn his life upside down in so many ways. It wouldn’t happen all at once, but it would be the start of a chain reaction that would have more impact than anyone would ever have believed.

Without any knowledge of what would happen in the near future, Harry stepped into the kitchen, hugged his mum and gave her a kiss on her cheek. So far, it was just like any other weekend morning.

“Morning, Mum.” He greeted her cheerfully. Or least as cheerfully as he was able to fifteen minutes after he had woken up.

“Morning, love. Do you want some bacon and eggs?” His mum, Anne, had asked him, smiling and nodded towards the stove where the frying pan was laying.

“Yeah, please.” Harry answered, pouring himself a cup of coffee and then turning to get milk from the fridge before adding a splash of it into his mug. He put the milk back, took an apple from the bowl nearby and sat down on one of the stools placed at the breakfast counter.

“Any big plans for today?” Anne asked with a questioning look, while the bacon started to sizzle on the pan.

“Yeah. I’m seeing Liam and Niall at band rehearsal, and then there’s a party later at a friend’s house we were planning to go to.” Harry told her while sipping his coffee. It was strong, just like Harry wanted it to be. Or needed, frankly speaking. Slowly, he felt his eyes starting to pop open. Who ever invented coffee was a genius.

“Oh. Is it the same party Zayn said he’ll be going to?” Anne asked, her normally neat eyebrows slightly furrowed as she posed the question.

“He’s coming for a visit? Here?” Harry asked with astonishment audible in his voice. He took the apple and rubbed its skin against his sleeve before taking a bite from it while he waited for his mum to answer.

“Don’t sound so surprised. He called yesterday and said there was a party tonight. He’s going to stay here until tomorrow and asked if we are going to be home. He’s coming for lunch then.” Anne explained, fond smile on her face, like she always had when she talked about any of her children.

“I didn’t know that. But yeah, I highly doubt it’s the same party. Must be one of his own friends instead of some ‘school kids’.” Harry answered dryly, making quotes in the air.

“He doesn’t mean it in a bad way, you know.” Anne replied taking a cautious look towards Harry. Of course, she was defending him. Nothing new there.

“Yeah, I know. But he still sometimes treats me like I’m twelve.” Harry huffed and placed the half-eaten apple on the table still sounding mildly annoyed.

“Maybe it’s because no matter how old you are, you will always be his baby brother.” Anne answered smiling softly.

“Just like you’re always my baby boy.” She added, planting a small kiss on Harry’s cheek. Then she returned to the stove, plated the food and placed one in front of Harry. “Enjoy your meal, darling. I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”

Harry nodded before he started shoveling food in his mouth. He let his thoughts fall to his mum’s words. Maybe she was right, although Gemma’s attitude seemed way different than Zayn’s as she treats him more like an equal than as a prepubescent boy.

Zayn. Zayn Malik, his foster brother.

He had always belonged in Harry’s life, just like Gemma. He was twenty four, five years older than Harry and two years younger than Gemma. His mum Theresa had been a good friend of Anne’s when they had been younger. When Zayn had been three, she had faced such difficulty in her life that she couldn’t keep her baby anymore. Since she had been a single mother and Zayn’s dad was no longer in the picture, she had asked if Anne could take him or otherwise she would have had to surrender him to the foster care system and wouldn’t know what would become of him.

Of course, Anne had said ‘yes’. It was supposed to be a temporary custody agreement, but somehow Zayn ended up living with them until he had moved to Leeds to start his studies there a few years ago. He was never legally adopted into their family but that didn’t change the situation. Maybe he was still a Malik by name, but in his heart, he was a Styles. Just as much as Gemma and Harry were.

Harry had always been the baby in the family. He was seven years younger than his sister Gemma and sometimes he had wondered if he had even been planned. Not that he had dared to ask his parents whether he had been an accident, but he had definitely wondered it from time to time. He had never felt unwanted or anything, but still. After Zayn had joined their family, they already had a boy and a girl with a convenient age cap between them. Why would have they wanted another one to disturb their life?

But yet, there was Harry.

Gemma and Zayn had already started school when Harry was born. To Gemma he had been like a new, living baby doll to take care of. But Zayn didn’t quite see it like that. He had already been abandoned by his birth mum, so naturally he had been afraid that he would be replaced now by the newest addition to the family. It hadn’t been so easy to make him accept his new baby brother. Eventually he had, obviously, but the age difference had always been a little too big for them to be proper playmates when they were kids. Over the years, both Gemma and Zayn had gone into a protective sibling mode when it came to Harry who had been the apple of the eye for the whole family, but still they couldn’t have provided Harry with what he needed; a companion his own age.

That’s how Liam and Niall had entered into his life the first time. Their families had lived, and still do, quite close to each other and their mothers had met occasionally at the local parks and playgrounds. Perhaps it was their different backgrounds or lack of commonalities that prevented their mums from becoming anything more than just casual friends whose kids liked to play together. It could have happened to them too, but destiny was on their side and placed them in the same class when they started school, and had been ever since. They had been like the three musketeers throughout the years and nothing had separated them. In fact, Harry was sure nothing ever could.

Music had been the thread that had woven them together. Their first experience with different instruments had been in their music classes, but soon they all had joined the school’s music club too. There they all learned to play different instruments, but from the start they had quickly found their personal favourites. Liam was happy whenever he was sitting behind his drum set, while Niall and Harry had both preferred the guitar. They had been barely eleven years old and they had just started  secondary school when they formed their band, ‘Three Times Rock’. The choice had been easy to make, Niall taking the lead with guitar and Harry being the main singer. And obviously, Liam was the drummer, like there had ever been any other options.

At first the band had been just for fun, trying new things when they were still practising to play, or jamming only to entertain themselves. But they practised a lot, and eventually it had started to pay back. They had played at different school events and their friends’ parties, and later they had managed to get gigs at some local bars, even if they had been underage. Maybe their first ever real, paid jobs had been a sign for them all, that they really could be something bigger someday. Perhaps it was just their own wishful thinking and aside from them, nobody ever believed in their dreams of making it big. But it didn’t matter. They knew what they wanted, and nothing was going to stop them achieving it. They were young, bold and ready to fight for it.

Harry gulped down the last dregs of his coffee and got up from the breakfast table. He put his dirty plate in the dishwasher as he crunched the last of his apple and then poured himself another cup of coffee. He didn’t even want it really, but the temperature outside had been below zero during the night and the whole house felt chilly too. Harry had pulled his thick, grey woollen socks over his feet and pulled a hoodie over his PJ’s, but he was still feeling cold. Maybe the warmth of the hot drink would thaw him out a bit.

Harry traipsed through the small dining room next to the kitchen, to the foyer where the door to the living room was on the left. Instead, Harry went to the right, towards the stairs that led to the upper floors. On the first floor there was a bathroom, his parent’s bedroom and earlier, there had also been Harry and Gemma’s bedrooms. Harry’s former cramped quarters has since been turned into a small guest room, and Gemma’s room was transformed into a study with large built in bookcases alone  one wall and an antique-style mahogany desk set squarely in front of the bay window. Anne was curled up in one of the two tan leather club chairs that flanked the room, a book perched on her lap as she cradled a mug of tea in her hands, taking a careful sip before she placed it down on the small pedestal table next to the chairs.

Harry continued climbing up to the second floor which nowadays was his own empire. It had belonged to Zayn, and anyone who knew him would know that the black walls with scarlet red accent colours were his legacy. They were a tad too dramatic and gothic to please Harry’s aesthetic, but yet he had done nothing to replace them with some more pleasurable and calming colours. Maybe he had simply gotten used to it over the years, or perhaps he was just too lazy to bother to do any painting.

He had been so happy about his new room that worrying about something like changing the wall colour had sounded superfluous. It was a large loft room with a cathedral ceiling. Harry’s bed was placed next to the wall in such a way that the big skylight window was able to provide sufficient daylight above the bed. Across the room there were couple of low hung white Ikea floating shelves filled with books and stacks of cd’s and vinyls. Straight across from the door was a desk that sat in front of a window. Everything on the table was neatly organized, as anyone who knew Harry would expect it to be. The carpet was light grey, as were the curtains. There was a big, bean bag chair and a guitar resting in the corner near the stairs.

It was the biggest room of the house, although not exactly the most practical one. But Harry didn’t complain. After years of living in a room the size of a shoebox, everything was an upgrade. Now he had privacy and his parents rarely visited his room without permission. Harry took it as sign that they considered him an adult, at least sometimes anyway.

Harry sat on his bed leaning his back against the wall. He pulled the blanket carefully around him trying not to spill coffee down himself. It was nice to sit there in complete silence and watch the blue sky visible through the window by his desk as well as the skylight above. Harry couldn’t even remember how many summer nights he had spent awake and just waited for when the sun started to rise again, dyeing the sky different colours.

No wonder Zayn and Gemma had resorted to a bloody battle over who was going to get this room when they had moved here in the first place. Harry had been five years old when their parents had bought this house to replace their old, much smaller flat which had been just few blocks away. So he really hadn’t even been asked about which room he would like to claim as his very own. He got the smallest of the bedrooms, whether he wanted it or not. At that time, it hadn’t mattered, but a few years later he had definitely envied his siblings’ spacious accommodations. Until this day, Harry still had no idea how Zayn had managed to bribe Gemma to give up the attic, or loft, as she used to call it.

But knowing Gemma, it must have been something remarkable. If Harry had on occasion been described as cautious and considerate, by contrast, Gemma had always been nimble and witty. They were both smart and well raised, but also damn stubborn sometimes. Harry knew the latter was the reason he wasn’t told the real story behind the room trade, and he had already given in to the fact that he was never going to be told it either.

Not that it would make a difference anyhow, but he was just curious.

Harry let his gaze roam around until his eyes caught the photos tucked into the frame of a large mirror hanging on the wall closest to the stairs that lead down to the main floor. Even without seeing them properly they made Harry smile. He rarely, if ever, developed prints of his photos, but the ones from their boys’ trip last summer had been something he just wanted to see and touch in real life, not just have them lost among the thousands of photos stored on his mobile.

The whole trip had meant so much to all of them. Niall and Liam had turned eighteen the previous autumn and Harry’s turn was in February, and they were all going to finish their sixth form later on the same year. It had felt like the perfect idea to go travel across Europe via an Interrail Pass during the summer. It had been like their rite of passage into adulthood.

At first it had been Niall’s idea, but it didn’t take too much persuading to convince Harry and Liam about the Interrail Euro trip. They all acknowledged this trip would significantly delay the production of their own EP in a real studio if they didn’t get signed by a label before they had saved up enough money to pay for it themselves. Despite knowing it would postpone the next step of their music career, they had decided to go for it anyway. Yolo, right?

In early July they had flown from Manchester to Amsterdam to start their once-in-a-lifetime trip in Europe. Yes, for sure, they would all travel together in the future too. They would likely see quite posh places, but nothing could ever beat the feeling of their first trip ever abroad together. It had been the mixed feelings of excitement, freedom, and a new kind of maturity and responsibility they had to take to undertake during the month they were away. Harry was still positive their parents, especially their mums, had been more terrified about their holiday than the boys themselves had been.

Their trip officially kicked off in Amsterdam, and Harry must admit the nights they had spent there were wild. To be fair, they were finally on holiday and of course, they deserved a little party time. Well, maybe the word ‘little’ wasn’t something their mums would have used to describe it. They had gone clubbing three nights in a row, drinking and dancing until they had been totally worn out. They had slept until midday before they had started again with couple of pints in the nearest pubs or they might have paid visits to some coffee shops to have joint or two. If their parents would have asked about it, they would have denied it all.

Whatever happened in Amsterdam, stayed in Amsterdam. Full stop.

So, the kick-off to their Interrail had been wet and wild. Not that it had been all peace and harmony in Berlin, their next destination, but they had definitely managed get most of the steam out of their system in Amsterdam and in Berlin they had actually been able to sightsee the city itself too.

For Harry, the only downside of partying hard in Amsterdam had been the lack of exploring the city, but in Berlin and then next in Prague they exercised some restraint and toned down their nightlife activities. Perhaps Liam and Niall weren’t as excited as Harry was to see all the historic sites, like Brandenburg Gate, Check-Point Charlie or the Berlin Wall while they were in Berlin, or climbing up to the hill to visit the Castle in Prague. It had however, been much easier to tempt them to sit in one of the many beer gardens in Berlin or taste the outputs of the small brewery restaurants in Old Town of Prague. Harry didn’t complain about these options either, but he just didn’t want them to be the sole purpose of their trip.

Within two weeks they travelled from Amsterdam to their main destination, Barcelona. They had all agreed they wanted to stay in one place a little bit longer, just to relax, and Barcelona with its beaches and relaxed atmosphere, seemed to be the perfect spot for that. A proper beach holiday was something they all needed after the grueling exam season at school. Lazy days of sun bathing and sipping beer during the day and sharing a couple of jugs of cheap sangria during the night when the city was really alive. Certainly, they could have taken a flight from England there and just gotten straight to the point, but for all of them the journey itself felt as important, or even more, than the destination.

As great as all the places they had visited during the month had been, their last destination, Paris, had been the real highlight for Harry. He had dragged the other boys with him to see Notre Dame and Arch de Triumph, and together they all climbed the hundreds of stairs to reach the second level of the Eiffel Tower. Soon after that, Harry had shown the boys mercy and explored the city by himself.

Harry had actually enjoyed his own quality time. He had visited small art galleries that were spread around Paris. He had let himself get lost in the distant strays of Montmartre far away from tourist spots and walked along the Seine thinking of nothing but the beauty spread out around him. He sat under a linden tree in the park and ate an ice cream cone that was quickly melting, which made his fingers all sticky and sweet.

Harry had been licking his index finger when he felt someone's eyes on him. He had cautiously raised his gaze to look around. On the bench across the small grassy area, a dark haired boy maybe a year or two older than Harry, was sat smirking at Harry’s actions. The boy hadn’t turned his eyes away when Harry had met his gaze. He had just licked his lip, and winked at Harry. For some reason Harry had just kept staring at the boy who seemed unable to look away. Despite the cheeky grin on the strangers face, his eyes had been so warm, like a soft brown velvet that Harry wanted to sink into. Their eyes still locked, Harry had licked his finger one more time, long and slow. In the distance a dog barked, startling Harry and a flush had spread across his cheeks. At the realization of what had just transpired, he jumped up from the bench and ran in the direction of the hostel without daring to look back.

He felt a foreign feeling rattling around inside his belly all the way back to their hostel. No one aside from himself needs to know that it felt awfully close to arousal. When his friends had asked Harry about his day, he had told them everything. Everything except that little detail that he may or may not have just flirted with a cute guy at the park. Later that night while Harry was alone in his bed, his mind was racing to find a logical reason to why he succumbed to the strong urge to seductively suck on his fingers, knowing that the guy on the bench was watching him attentively. But before he could come up with that logical reason, he started to feel a constriction in his chest and a panicky feeling in the pit of his stomach. Harry didn’t know how to deal with it, so he did what he knew best, and pushed it into the farthest corners of his mind.

On the last day, Harry had sat on the grassy knoll leading to the Sacré-Coeur and watched the city below while having cheese and bread with a small of bottle red wine. He had thought how perfect life had been right at that very moment.

And when he had later met his best friends and they had celebrated the end of their trip, he felt the same feeling as he had felt just a few hours before. It was something Harry always wanted to experience and it’s a time in his life he knew he would always cherish and look back fondly on to their last summer together before life and studies had separated them. Well, not altogether, but they weren’t in the same classes anymore like they had been for the past ten years or so.

Those memories still made Harry smile. They probably always would. Without thinking too much, Harry walked straight to the mirror and picked one of the photos of the three of them and shoved it into his wallet sitting on top of the drawer. He held it for a second against his chest, closing his eyes, before he placed the wallet back where he had just taken it. When he thought about it later, it had felt like a prediction. But at the time, it had just felt good, like something he had to do.

With a smile still on his face, Harry sat back on his bed. He scrolled through his social media for a while and composed a couple of emails he had planned to send out over the last couple of days, but never had a good opportunity to write them. Harry loved lazy weekend mornings, when he wasn’t in any hurry. But at the same time, he wasn’t the person who enjoyed having nothing to do. Then he just got bored and restless.

So it was no wonder that after he had put his phone away he found himself pulling a track suit on. Despite the coldness, it was sunny outside, and it seemed like perfect weather to go for a run. He probably would have gone running even if was raining, but it was definitely much nicer to do it when the sky was clear.

Harry put the beanie on his head and dug the scarf and mittens out of the drawer before he headed downstairs. On his way he called out to tell his mom he was going out and answered ‘yeah’ to her question if he was coming back for a lunch. He tied his trainers, put the earbuds in and walked out of the door.

The weather was still crisp, but the air felt so fresh that Harry took a few deep breaths just to enjoy it before he walked along the narrow sidewalk leading to the street. He did some stretching to get his muscles ready and then started to slowly jog along the familiar street.

Their family had lived there as long as Harry could remember. Some of the houses were newer, but mostly the ones lining the road were the same Victorian terraced houses as their own. They were made with red bricks and white panels around the windows. Every house seemed to have a similar brick fence with some bushes behind it blocking the views from the street to the small forecourts.

Harry jogged calmly to warm-up until he reached the gravelled path leading to the small wooded area. Then he let the music stream loudly as his feet started to pound faster and faster against the forest floor. Harry almost hoped he could close his eyes and just enjoy the feeling, but that obviously wasn’t an option.

However, Harry preferred it in summer time when trees were green and lush, like the vastness of nature in full bloom. Not that the scenery was bad either in the winter. All the leafy trees were just naked, but evergreens kept the colours alive even now. There was still some white frost on withered grass on the shady places but where the sun had reached its rays, it had already melted down.

Harry ran across the beaten path, following the narrow stream until it formed into a small lake. The forest areas around it had been his playground with Liam and Niall when they were kids. Their failed attempts to build a tree hut to have a place of their own were still fresh in his mind. Even without the hut, it had stayed their own secret hiding place until their teenage years, and even after that.

Harry smiled at the memories and ran a few times around the lake before he started his way back home. He didn’t stop until he was back on his own street. Then he slowed down and let his breaths even out, white puffs escaping his mouth with every exhale he made. In front of their house he did few stretches before he stepped in.

“Harry, love, is that you?” Anne’s voice echoed from the kitchen.

“Yeah, Mum.” He answered while toeing off his shoes, still slightly breathless. He sauntered into the kitchen, reached into the cupboard above the sink, and hurriedly filled the glass with water from the tap, swallowing ravenously between deep and steady breaths from his nose.

“I’ll have lunch ready in half an hour.” She informed shortly.

He hurriedly placed the glass on the counter for later use. “Alright, Mum. I’m going to take shower now. I’ll be back by then.”

“Ok, sweetheart. See you then.”

In his room Harry quickly stripped off his clothes and dumped them into a hamper, grabbed a towel and walked to the bathroom on the lower floor. He turned the water on and waited a moment for it to warm up before stepping in. The hot water striking powerfully against his shoulders felt almost like a massage he couldn’t afford.

After he had washed himself, Harry remained under the hot stream in an effort to avoid the coldness waiting outside the shower. Eventually he gave up and switched off the water. He buried himself into a big towel hoping it would keep him warm until he got dressed. He sprinted out of the bathroom and, when he was back in his own room, immediately put on the clothes he had left sprawled across the foot of the bed, without even bothering to properly dry himself. He just hated the coldness, and he had lived long enough in this house to know how to avoid it.

Following the hot shower, and with his body still warm from exercise, he felt tempted just to snuggle under the duvet and take a nap. The run had made him feel relaxed, but he also knew he probably couldn’t get any sleep right now when his body was still going in circles. Harry had always done a lot of sports, but he had actually discovered a love for running just last summer and after that it had become a lifeline for him. Whenever he needed a distraction from his studies or something else going on his mind, he usually just put his trainers on and went for a run. It had done wonders not only for his physical condition, but mentally too.

They all— him, Niall and Liam— had started their studies last autumn. Harry and Niall had been accepted to Uni within the music programme and Liam planned to study law. When they had wondered why he hadn’t applied to study music, he had always joked that their band would need a lawyer too and it would be handy if they already had one. Even now, Harry wasn’t sure if law was something Liam wanted, or what his parents had wanted him to do. But as long as Liam seemed to like it, it had to be fine with Harry, too. End of story.

***

An hour later Harry was on his way to Niall’s. He ate lunch with his mum, and it hadn’t been a big surprise when it wound up being just the two of them. His dad has been in his garage, as usual. He ran his own business for as long as Harry could remember. He also knew their dad had hoped that either him or Zayn would take over the garage someday, but to his disappointment, neither of them were interested in cars enough to consider it as a profession.

Harry definitely liked cars, fast ones especially, but he had never been keen of fixing them more than occasionally, Zayn even less. The business was quite successful, so Harry had no doubt it wouldn’t find a buyer if his dad would someday sell it. Knowing his old man, that day wasn’t even close. He seemed to spend all his time there, not just because he had to, but because he loved cars more than anything. Sometimes Harry believed if he had to choose between cars and his family, the former would win.

Fortunately, Harry didn’t have to ask him that question, but sometimes he pondered how his mum was able to stand having a husband who was never around. Yet, they seemed to be fairly happy together, so perhaps it was the key to their happiness. Don’t spend too much time together with your spouse. Maybe it worked for them, but Harry couldn’t see himself in that kind of position in his own relationship.

If he ever had one.

He didn’t have time to think about his non-existent love life; instead he concentrated on pedalling his bicycle. Niall didn’t live so far away that he couldn’t have just walked there, but it was so much faster to go on his bike and therefore he found himself in front of Niall’s house less than ten minutes later.

He didn’t go into the two-story main building, but instead he headed towards the shed located in the right corner of the property and parked his bike against the fence. Harry didn’t bother knocking on the door. He just stepped in, like he had numerous times before.

Despite how small the pale-yellow wooden building looked from the outside, it was relatively roomy inside. Liam’s drum set was placed near the rear wall taking up almost a fifth of the whole space. Harry and Niall’s guitars were on their rack in the other corner along with the amplifiers. There was a mixed collection of rugs on the floor and a small table was placed in the front of old couch where a smiling blond boy was laying, all his limbs spread in different directions, looking like a human-sized starfish.

“Hey, H.” Niall greeted him cheerily and hoisted himself in more of a sitting position. You still couldn’t say he was sitting, but at least now there was some room for Harry to sit down too.

“Hey, Niall.” He smiled at his friend and plopped himself on the lumpy sofa. Years ago when they acquired the small building to use it as their rehearsal space, they had rummaged through Liam’s granny’s attic to find some furniture to decorate it, and had managed to find these eclectic pieces. They weren’t beautiful or even stylish by any means, but it provided them with a place to sit and relax. Now enough time had passed that they had gotten used to them, and even the horrendous couch made the place look cosy.  

“Any word from Liam?” Harry asked after noticing he wasn't around yet and knowing he was the one who was _always_ on time. If he wasn’t, he would let someone know.

“Yeah, he texted half an hour ago and said he’ll be a few minutes late.” Niall answered, rolling his eyes at the message, almost like Harry would have guessed Liam would do.

“K. Let’s wait for him before we start.” Harry decided and lifted his feet on the coffee table. He wouldn’t have dared to try it at home, but here it was different. This was their property, and there was no one saying not to. “Are you still going to Johnny’s party tonight?”

“Yeah, I’m planning to. My uncle’s 50th birthday party is tonight, and I have to go, but I’ll try to sneak out at some point.” Niall explained with his thick Irish accent.

His parents had moved to Manchester from Ireland long before Niall had even been born, but his accent was miraculously still in tact. The Horan family seemed to be large with a tight family bond and not long after Niall’s parents had moved here, a bunch of the other relatives had followed them, too. Now there was a small section of Manchester populated almost entirely by Horan’s.

Harry didn’t have time to respond when there was a cautious knock on the door.

“Just fucking come inside, Liam!” Niall yelled, and a serious looking young man entered the room.

“Sorry I’m late, guys.” Liam said, worry filling his hazelnut coloured eyes.

“Yeah. You’re about three minutes ‘late’.” Niall made air quotes, rolling his eyes again. “No one would have even noticed it if you hadn’t mentioned it.”

“Ignore him. I, on the other hand, appreciate the heads up you were going to be late. It’s something that someone else in this room would never do.” Harry tilted his head not-so-subtly towards their blond friend who shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Meanwhile Liam’s eyes started to shine again.

“Thanks, H.” He smiled in Harry’s direction as he clapped his hands then rubbed them together. “Are we ready to start then?”

***

They played for over three hours. Time had flown by again, and Harry believed they could have easily done three more if Niall didn’t have to leave for his uncle’s soon. Since the new term had begun they didn’t have as much time to train as they would have wanted. They didn’t have another gig booked until April, but they wanted to add couple of new songs to their set list. If their schedules permitted, they tried to play couple of evenings during the week too, but usually it was weekends when they had the chance to have longer practises.

They made plans for the next week’s rehearsals, and then Niall left. Harry and Liam stayed a bit longer, had a couple of beers from their mini fridge, just talking and listening to music. Then they left too, after agreeing to meet later at the party.

Harry wasn’t planning to stay home much longer. Basically, he just brought his bike back and changed clothes. He dressed in a white t-shirt underneath a red, plaid shirt with black tight jeans and some ankle cut boots, and ruffled his chocolate brown curls in an attempt to fix them before giving up with a sigh. As usual, his hair was in an uncooperative mood, but it would have to be good enough for tonight. One final look in the mirror and he was ready to go.

It had been a while since Harry had been at a party. Even on his birthday a couple weeks ago they had ended up spending the night in the shed, drinking beer and jamming. It had been Harry’s own wish. Of course, they ended up going to a bar later that night, but he really preferred smaller gatherings instead of big parties.

He wasn’t sure how big tonight’s party was going to be. It could be anything between twenty and a hundred people. Time would tell. Johnny was one of their former classmates and when his parents were away, he had a big empty house where he often had parties. It was close enough to walk, and on his way Harry had time to sip his beer and let his thoughts wander.

Once again, his mind wandered and thought back to that day in Paris. Lately he’s allowed himself to think about the “ice cream incident” for a fraction of time before his throat swells up and his vision feels like its tunneling out. These thoughts always seem to end up with him thinking the same thing that’s been on his mind more and more often. It started out as the faintest whisper of a word in his head. _Gay._ Then it gradually became louder, one decibel at a time until he was able to muster the complete million dollar question in his head: ‘Am I gay?’

Maybe the answer would be the missing link between him and liking sex. For Harry, it had always been just alright. Lately its been more of a need to simply get himself off and less as a reaction of being physically turned on by a seemingly beautiful girl. It had never felt as earthmoving as Liam and Niall had described it to be when they had told him about their own experiences with girls.

Would it still be ‘just alright’ if he had sex with a guy? That was the other question he had been asking himself. Perhaps thinking about having sex with a guy was a bit too early, when he was still trying to gather the courage to even kiss one. Or simply admitting to the recesses of his own mind that he might want to kinda maybe sorta kiss a guy. Tonight wasn’t the night for that anyway.

The night seemed to fly by as the party was in full swing, and before he knew it, it was midnight already. And with that realization, Harry was a lovely combination of very wasted and very horny. Niall hadn’t shown up yet, and Liam had disappeared somewhere, probably with one of his two regular hook-ups.

Harry wasn’t even trying to follow that mess with Danielle and Sophia, but all three of them seemed to be fine with the situation and the girls were even good friends with each other. So whatever was going on, it wasn’t Harry’s problem.

But now Liam seemed to ditch him for a fuck, and Harry wasn’t going to miss that opportunity either. There was a petite brunette grinding her ass against Harry while they were dancing, and it wasn’t long after that they found their way to an unoccupied bedroom. As expected, the sex didn’t blow his mind this time either, but sex was sex anyway and it served its purpose. He could think about it more in the morning after coming up with a plausible excuse to get rid of the girl sleeping next to him without hurting her feelings. With that thought he passed out.

When he woke up early the next morning, with a pounding headache and a mouth as dry as the Sahara, he thought his biggest problem would be getting rid of last night’s shag. When he had found his way back from the loo, he had reached for his mobile and what awaited for him on his lock screen immediately produced the horrible feeling of dread inside his bones.

Nobody would call him numerous times in a row and then leave many messages all saying the same “CALL ME NOW!!!” if it wasn’t a dire emergency. When Harry pushed the call button with trembling fingers and baited breath, it took no more than two seconds for the other person to answer.

“Harry,” the shaky voice had breathed, “There’s been an accident.”

And with those words, Harry’s world started to crumble piece by piece.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the end notes for trigger warnings for this chapter.

[ Bon Jovi - Bad Medicine ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOUtsybozjg)

Chapter 3

Louis

 

_“Your love is like bad medicine, bad medicine is what I need, whoa_  
_Shake it up just like bad medicine  
There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease”_

 

***

_February 2009_

 

“His name is Niall Horan. Nineteen years old. He was brought here early Sunday morning. Car accident. Severe concussion. He has been in a coma since he arrived. He is partially paralysed, until he wakes up we won’t know how much he’s going to be able to move his limbs. He’s intubated. His parents and girlfriend are in the room with him now.” Following the shift change update, Louis was officially on duty, Monday morning after his rare work-free weekend.

“Thanks, Jade.” Louis replied to the night shift nurse and took the file to take a better look at it before going to check in on the newcomer of the ward. The report told him the same information as what Jade had just told him, but it was written with more medical jargon. This Niall guy seemed to be your average car accident patient with a heavy blow to his head. Would it cause permanent damage? Only time would tell. Given that he at least wakes up at some point.

Louis sighed shortly. Many people would accuse him of being pessimistic, but Louis himself called it realism. He had worked long enough in ICU to know that reality wasn’t always nice and there was always a chance that the patients wouldn’t survive. And to be honest, sometimes it would only be better that nature would be gracious and wouldn’t prolong the agony. Even if Louis never gets used to seeing people die, he had learned to handle death like a professional.

Working in the intensive care unit was hard and mentally challenging, but despite that, it was also rewarding in so many ways. There had been cases where, within a few months, a badly injured person had regained the ability to move about independently, and not only walk again but they return with cake, flowers and infinite gratitude in their hands as a thank you for the exemplary care given during their convalescence. Those moments were always touching and gave them the strength to carry on during difficult days. Not to mention the amazing colleagues he had in the ward.

But now, he didn’t have much time to think about that. Jade had briefed him regarding Niall’s family, but Louis preferred getting to know them personally. It was always good to know what to expect, though. The initial shock had probably passed by now, but on the other hand, they were just about to learn about their son’s condition. Either way, it was always hard to meet the loved ones in these situations. Louis took a deep breath and pushed the door open silently. Despite the three heads that whipped around at the small intrusion, Louis took a moment to observe the patient.

There was a small framed young man, Niall as Louis was told, laying on the bed. He was pale, and his bleached hair made him look paler than he actually was. He had a square shaped bandage on his forehead above the left eyebrow and some bruising to his face. There were a few scratches on his arms and an IV-line was visible on the back side of his hand but no other physical injuries were to be seen.

Most of the people would take it as a good sign, for Louis it was almost always the total opposite. Considering that Niall had been in a coma for over 24 hours, his internal injuries must be pretty bad, just like his medical report had said. The puffs of the ventilator were a cruel reminder of his condition when the sound was combined with the beeping of the heart monitor. Louis felt the gazes on his face when he stepped closer to the people in the room, an older couple and a girl of similar age to the patient.

“Good morning!” Louis greeted them, smiling warmly. “My name is Louis Tomlinson, and I will be one of your son’s regular nurses. Please feel free to ask me if you need anything or you have something on your mind you want to ask. I’ll try my best to help you.”

“Morning.” The man in his late forties to early fifties answered. His eyes looked tired, there were dark circles under his eyes from a lack of sleep. It looked like no one in the room had slept more than a couple of hours, if that, since the accident. That would be one of Louis’ tasks to do, take care that Niall’s loved ones would take care of themselves too. It would have to be a sensitive conversation, and its place wouldn’t be right now. But hopefully very soon. He would just have to wait for a proper moment to do it.

“Morning, Mr Tomlinson.” Niall’s mum said, too.

“Oh, please call me Louis.” Louis replied immediately. He always like to be on a first name basis, like most of the nurses did. Doctors usually hold on about their titles, but even some of them were loosening their principles.

“And we’re Maura and Bobby. This one here is Niall’s girlfriend Shannon.” Niall’s mum introduced the girl with long, naturally blond hair and grey-blue eyes, who nodded almost invisible at Louis.

“Nice to meet you all. I wish the circumstances were different.” Louis said shaking hands with each of them politely.

“How is he?” Maura asked with a small voice, eyes full of worry.

“At the moment he’s in coma and he’s still in critical condition. There will be doctor’s round in couple of hours. Afterwards we’ll know more.” Louis tried to tell them facts without sounding too harsh. But lying to them wasn’t an option either. They deserved to know what was going on. “The doctor will order more tests and she will notify you when the results are ready.”

“We can’t lose another son in a car accident. It would be too cruel.” Maura whispered, and Louis waited for her to continue. But she just covered her face into her palms and burst into tears.

“Our older son died in a similar accident five years ago. He was the same age that Niall is now.” Bobby said instead sounding even more tired than he had earlier.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Louis replied empathetically. “We will do everything we can to save his life. The good news here is Niall seems to be stable right now.”

There was silence in the room when Louis turned to check the vitals and marked them into a file. He excused himself to get the medicine from the pharmaceutical dispensary unit. Once he had returned and administered them to patient via his IV drip, he turned again towards the people gathered around Niall’s bed.

“Have you eaten anything?” He asked with a soft voice. He got three headshakes as an answer, just like he had expected. “May I suggest you all go to the cafeteria to get something to eat. You have to take care of yourselves too, and then you can be here for Niall.”

“But—” Maura started. “But what if something happens when we are not here…?”

“If anything happens, we’ll let you know immediately. Of course, I can’t promise you one hundred percent, but like I said earlier, he seems to be stable. Like he had been almost all of the time. You would have time to have breakfast and be back here when the doctor comes. Maybe later you could take turns and go home for a while. To get some sleep and have a shower. Think about that too.”

They nodded almost in unison and after a silent negotiation, they stood up and headed towards downstairs. Louis sighed in relief, that had gone easier than he had expected. It definitely wasn’t something to take for granted every time. Not even close.

***

Niall stayed stable but remained in a coma over the next few days with no change in his condition. The coma was actually the best thing for his brain after going through the trauma of a car accident, and if he hadn’t been in one, the doctors probably would have put him into one with medication. The downside was, there hadn’t been any signs that he might wake up or that the coma would lift.  

It was Thursday when doctors finally gave permission for his two friends to visit him too. The names ‘Liam Payne’ and ‘Harry Styles’ were written on a piece of paper on top of the file for the staff to know if they would appear. Since the acute danger seemed to be over, doctors had also recommended to his parents and girlfriend, they should try to do something other than stay in the hospital all day long. They reminded them that when, or if, Niall would wake up, they would have strength to be with him then.

Perhaps because it was doctor’s order, they had finally given up. Even if they hadn’t been able to stay next to Niall’s bed all the time, they had stayed in hospital anyway during the week and in a long run, that wouldn’t help anyone.The final push might have been when permission was extended beyond the family which would allow for his friends to visit. They knew there would always be someone else to visit Niall and he didn’t have to be alone.

It wasn’t until Friday when Louis saw his friends for the first time. In the afternoon there were two teenage boys standing in the lobby looking around aimlessly trying to figure out what they should do next.

“Are you guys looking for something?” Louis asked casually when he was passing by.

“Umm, yeah. We’re here to visit our friend. Niall Horan. He should be on this ward?” The more muscular looking guy of two of them with short brown hair and kind brown eyes replied.

“You must be Liam and Harry, yeah?” Louis said smiling.

“Yeah.” The curly haired one with big green eyes and long lithe legs, not that Louis would have stared them or anything, answered this time. “I’m Harry and he’s Liam.” He added soon after hitching his thumb towards his friend.

“I’m Louis, one of Niall’s regular nurses here.” Louis introduced himself too. “Have either of you ever visited ICU before?”

Like expected, both of them shook their heads in unison.

“Alright, lemme explain a few things before we go to see him. Let’s sit down for a moment, follow me, please.” Louis lead the way to a small room where they were able to talk to family members in private. He showed the boys where they could sit.

“I’ll be back in a sec. I’m going to grab his file so you’re both up to speed with his condition.”

Soon Louis was back in the room where the two lads were sitting in their chairs looking extremely nervous and Louis wanted to give them hugs just to get them relax a bit. Of course, he didn’t. It probably would have made them feel even more uncomfortable, so instead he sat on the other side of the oval table and opened his file.

“Shall I begin then? I’ll fill you in on the basics and if you have any questions, just ask.” Louis said. “Niall’s parent had given us permission to tell you how he’s doing right now, so I’ll start with that.”

“Ok.” The curly one answered quietly and swallowed visibly.

“As you probably know, Niall is in coma. The impact to his head has caused some brain damage. The force from the impact has caused his brain to shut down in an effort to repair itself and to mitigate any further damage, which has rendered him unconscious. The severity of his brain damage can only be known when he wakes up from the coma. For now, there haven’t been any signs of permanent damage.”

Louis paused for a moment raising his head to give both young men the opportunity to say something, but both stayed silent, looking slightly paler than earlier. Louis knew it was always hard to hear, especially for the first time, what was going on. Louis tried to keep his voice as steady and positive as possible when he continued.

After he had briefed them about the ventilator, and tubes, drains and other monitoring equipment Niall was attached to, he paused again to answer questions, but still no words came out of either mouth.

“I know the machines make the room look scary, but they are all very normal in ICU.” Louis said. “Before we go in, you have to wash your hands carefully and then use disinfectant to reduce the risk of spreading any infections. And you must switch off your mobiles, I guess you already saw the signs for that.”

“Yes, we already did that.” It was Liam talking this time.

“Good, are we ready to go then?” Louis asked smiling them encouragingly.

“I guess as ready as we are going to be.” Liam tried to smile back without really succeeding with it.

Louis waited until they both hung their coats on the wall hooks and washed their hands. Then he led them towards Niall’s room, squeezed some disinfectant into their palms from the sanitizer pump next to the door and spread it carefully all over his hands, and watched as the boys followed his lead before opening the door.

Louis stepped in first and held the door, so they could enter the room. Neither of them said anything when they cautiously approached the hospital bed.

“You can sit down, if you want to.” Louis signaled towards a couple of chairs arranged near the bed.

“Can he hear us?” Harry asked surreally, after they both were seated and had watched their friend lay unconscious in the bed for a while.

“We can’t say for sure, but some unconscious patients have said afterwards that they have heard when someone has talked to them. That’s why I always encourage visitors to talk to them even if they don’t necessarily react to anything. It can still activate their brain. Just talk to him like you would talk to him normally. I have to leave you now, if you need anything, just come get me from the nurses station.” Louis told them as he left the room.

***

A good half an hour later Louis’ shift was ending, and he stopped by Niall’s room prior going to the locker room.

“Hi guys,” he said. “I’m heading home now. You can still stay here for a while but you’re going to have to leave when the evening shift begins their round. They’ll let you know when it’s time. But I guess I’ll probably see you both again soon, yeah?” Louis prodded. however they were still as quiet as they had been the entire time. That wasn’t anything surprising and Louis was sure next time there would be many more questions when they have had time to digest everything they have seen today.

Once he entered the staff locker room, Louis quickly stripped out of his uniform and slipped into his jeans. He pulled a soft, oversized jumper over his head and ruffled his caramel coloured hair back into place with his fingers. The reflection in the mirror showed a petite framed man, with slightly tanned skin and a rather tired looking face. Louis sighed silently and took out a baby blue beanie which highlighted his dark blue eyes and put it on along with his jacket and now Louis was ready to head home.

After navigating his way through the hospital hallways and out the main entrance, he found himself queing in line to get on the bus. The advantage of rush hour was that he didn’t have to wait long, the downside instead was, the bus was packed. Fortunately, the drive didn’t take much more than fifteen minutes when he saw the familiar neighbourhood approaching.

He hopped off along with a bunch of other passengers and made a brief stop at a local convenience store to buy some bread, milk and eggs. This way he could postpone his visit to ALDI by a couple of days. Maybe on Monday, he decided. It would be his day off and perhaps he would have more energy to do a proper grocery shop. Or not, Louis really hated shopping in supermarkets.

After walking for a few more minutes, Louis was in front of a quirky looking old brick building, situated at the end of the lane. A wide staircase was leading to the arched doorway with a white door and there were large bay windows on both sides of the stairs reaching up to the first floor. Louis unlocked the door and when he pushed it open, it let out a little squeak. The wooden stairs creaked with every step when Louis climbed to the second floor and in the middle of the night the whole house reminded him way too much of those haunted houses in horror movies. Maybe that was the reason why the rent was so cheap, when nobody wanted to live on the set of a Halloween movie. Except Louis. Since the beginning he had liked it despite it being weird.

Apartment number six was located on the furthest corner of the floor. The blue, metallic ‘6’ on the door was crooked, and despite the numerous times Louis had tried to get it stay straight, it hadn’t happened yet. Maybe it was just the whole bloody building that was so awry.

At first glance, everything inside the flat seemed to fit perfectly. But when you looked at it for the second time, you realized _nothing_ actually fit. The colours, proportions, the furniture. Nothing. It was like stepping into the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party and every new thing you noticed, was just another addition to the total madness.

Once again, Louis reminded himself, the rent was really cheap.

Louis toed off his shoes and slid his feet into the slippers waiting in the small foyer. He dropped his jacket down in a heap next to his Vans and made a beeline to the kitchen. The kitchen area might have been the only, even slightly, normal room in the flat. Except it wasn’t a room, just an extension to the living room. Someone would say the colours of cabinets were retro, but Louis called them vomit green. Otherwise it was quite normal with seventies styling cupboards and almost brand-new kitchen appliances. The only thing was, Louis almost never used them. His most used devices were the microwave and electric kettle. And the toaster from time to time, but that was pretty much it. Cooking really wasn’t his forté.

He put the milk in the fridge and opened the cabinet to look for something to eat. _Definitely on Monday_ , Louis thought, sighing defeatedly as he stared at almost empty boxes of cereal on the lower shelf, and a few containers of pot noodles next to it. He took one of the bowls of noodles and put the kettle on. Waiting for it to boil, he took out a mug and a tea bag. Once the water was hot, he poured it over the dried noodles and sealed the container again, then added the water into a mug and leaving it brew for a while.

Meanwhile he pulled out a half-eaten can of tuna out of the fridge and mixed it with his noodles. He dug the tea bag out of the mug and added a splash of milk into it. He took his meal and carried it into the living room and placed them on the mahogany coffee table, before he plopped himself down on the lavender coloured sofa, which looked hideous by the way, but fortunately was very comfy. He ate while channel surfing and finally ended lounging on the couch sipping his tea.

It was Friday night, but the weekdays had lost their meanings a long time ago, thanks to the glory of shift work. He would be working the entire weekend and then he’ll have a day off on Monday. Sometimes it was just good to be at work when everyone else was sitting at pubs or clubbing somewhere. Not that Louis at the age of 23 would consider himself as old, not at all. It was almost the opposite.

Maybe he should have settled down a little bit, have a boyfriend and perhaps a pet. He definitely wanted that all, kids too later, but now he was still living his wild youth, enjoying it full throttle and didn’t have a single regret about it. His mum definitely would have a few words to share if she knew every dirty detail. But thankfully for Louis, she didn’t.

For example, she didn’t have to know about that gorgeous dark eyed stranger who had given him the hottest blowie ever after they had shared a joint in the alley behind the club they had been at. Louis still wondered why he didn’t ask for his number. They just never got that far. Actually, Louis didn’t even know his name. Oops! But they had spent an hour or two just talking, and if he recalled right, the guy wasn’t even living in Manchester anymore.

Maybe that was the reason. Or maybe he had just sucked Louis’ brains out through his dick and he had lost his ability to speak for a moment. And when it had finally returned, the stunner had already vanished. End of story, Louis sighed and shrugged it off to not being his fate.

He stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes, letting his mind rest after work. Usually it was easy. Well from the start he had forced himself to do it, to leave his work-related thoughts at the hospital. When he stepped out of the hospital doors, he left his patients there until he came back. He had to. Otherwise it would be just way too much and eventually he would succumb to professional burn out.

But for some reason, Niall was sticking in his head like gum on the sole of a shoe. He wasn’t the first or last patient of a similar age to himself that he would be looking after, so that wasn’t it. Perhaps it was the tragic background story of his family. Losing another son in the same way the first born had passed away would be something his parents would never recover from. Or maybe it was his friends who had visited him today.

Their faces had been even more ashen than Niall’s when they saw their friend for the first time since the accident. The last words Louis had heard before leaving for home had been mumbled words from Liam to Harry “Do you think he’s ever going to wake up?”. It’s moments like that where Louis sometimes hated his job. He would have given anything if he had been able to respond back with a positive answer, even if the question wasn’t directed at him.

Louis decided to call someone who could understand his thoughts, his mum. She was also working as a nurse, rather as a midwife though. Her work didn’t include so much death and unhappy stories than Louis’, but she had worked in the field long enough to see a lot of stuff. At first, she had been the inspiration for Louis to go into nursing. When he was a little boy, he often visited the hospital where his mum worked and it all seemed so interesting. Even after his studies and a couple years of working as a nurse full time, he still felt the same. Despite all the downsides, helping other people was something he wanted to do and working in hospital suited more than well for that.

Once he had been accepted to school in Manchester, he had found this flat. There would have been nursing schools in Doncaster, but at that time their house had been crowded enough even without him. Now five years later, two of his older sisters had also moved out to live and study in London, but he still had two sets of younger twins living with their mother and stepfather. Yeah, no one can blame Louis for moving out as soon as it was possible. Although family is the most important thing in the world to him, he still he had his limits and needed his own space.

But still, after he had finished the phone call with his mum, the homesickness hit. He tried to visit them as often as possible, but usually it meant just for a weekend every other month. It wasn’t far away, just a couple of hours by train, but trying to match his free weekends with his mum’s, it was complicated.

Fortunately, there were Skype and FaceTime so keeping connected wasn’t a problem, and they called each other often. Jay, his mum, had always been Louis’ best friend and now when they both worked in the same field, their talks had become even more important to him. He couldn’t speak about the cases he had directly, but even talking about those vaguely, often helped to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Of course, they talked about difficult cases at work too, but yet it was different with someone who knew him as well as his mum did.

Once again, it had worked and Louis had been able get it all out of his mind. After getting another cup of tea, he curled on the corner of the couch and turned on the telly and didn’t intend to move from there for rest of the night.

***

Nearly a week later, Louis arrived at his evening shift and he found Harry sitting next to Niall’s bed singing quietly to him. He didn’t stop when Louis entered the room and started to go through his tasks.

Louis didn’t recognise the song, but Harry had an amazing voice. His speaking voice was deep and when he was singing his tone was still deep, dark and soft mixing with a hint of raspiness to it. This boy could definitely sing. And when that sound was combined with his looks, Louis was sure one day he would be something big and the whole world would notice that too.

Louis observed him secretly. He wasn’t even sure if Harry had realized Louis was in the room, he was so wrapped up in the song. His lean legs were now draped in dark jeans with once white tennis shoes, and he was wearing a knitted, black and white patterned loose jumper exposing a hint of his collarbone. His chocolate curls were wilder than ever, and were pushed back by a thin, blue bandana. He looked absolutely delectable. And also very young, Louis reminded himself.

“Oh,” Louis heard Harry saying and quickly raised his gaze to meet his. His eyes were big and green, and soft, pillowy lips were parted slightly. “I didn’t see you there.” Harry continued sounding surprised.

“You were focused on singing so I didn’t want to bother you. You have such a beautiful voice.” Louis smiled at him and stepped a little bit closer.

“Thank you.” Harry answered blushing. “We play in the same band, me, Liam and Niall. I think their voices are even more amazing. They are both so talented.”

“I wish I could hear you all play together.” Louis said before realizing what he said was a professional boundary that should not be crossed.

“Me too, I would give everything to make it happen again.” Harry said solemnly, as the sadness crept back in his eyes. Louis could kick himself in the arse because he knew he, or his words more particularly, were the reason for the sudden change in Harry’s mood.

“Sorry, I didn’t think about what I said.” Louis apologized. He was usually very careful when he spoke with patients or visitors but somehow Harry was able to lower his guard.

“No, don’t worry. It’s not what you said, it’s this whole situation.” Harry swiped a half circle in the air with his hand.

“But I reminded you about it.” Louis sighed. “And it was something I shouldn't have done.”

“Do you really think that I don’t otherwise remember why it is that I’m here? When I see all the machines around him? When I see him just constantly sleeping here? Do you?” Harry answered sounding angry, which he probably was, too. Who wouldn’t be in his place?

“No, not really.” Louis shook his head. “I work here every day, and I must admit that this environment has become too ordinary for me. Sometimes I tend to forget that you and other visitors see it in a much different way. How scary it must be to see your loved ones in this unit. I should remember it all the time. It’s part of my job, to take care of you too.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just so frustrated when nothing seems to happen. It’s been almost two weeks now and he is still unconscious. The worst part is that I can’t do anything to help him.” Harry said quietly, staring at the back of his hands resting against his thighs. He sniffed a little without taking his eyes off his hands, acting like it never happened.

“I think you help his parents immensely by simply visiting as often as you do. That way they are able to get some rest at home when they know someone is here with Niall. And when he wakes up, you will be a familiar face for him at a time that can be stressful for him.”

“You think he will wake up?” Harry raised his gaze and was now looking with newfound hope, straight into Louis’ eyes. _Shit_ , he shouldn’t have said that either. He didn’t seem to have any filter on his mouth today.

“Professionally, I can’t give you any answers, because we don’t assume things...” Louis started cautiously.

“How about you then? What does Louis think instead of nurse Louis?” Harry noticed the loophole which Louis may, or may have not, left on purpose.

“Civilian Louis believes he will wake up.” Louis didn’t lie. He really believed what he had just said to be true. Plus, there had been little signs in Niall that could predict he was starting to wake up. Of course, he didn’t tell that to Harry or anyone else close to Niall, but he really hoped they would have some good news maybe during the following week. Fingers crossed.

But Louis’ answer seemed to be enough for Harry and he looked a bit more relaxed again.

“Thank you.” He finally whispered.

“I don’t know what I did but you are welcome.” Louis grinned at him.

“You gave me hope again.”

“I—” Louis started but Harry interrupted him fast.

“I know what you are going to say. I know you didn’t promise me anything, I know no one can do it. But still, your words mean a lot to me right now. Just let me have them for a moment. Please.” His last word was barely a whisper.

“I meant what I said. That’s what I believe.” Louis repeated even if he knew he shouldn’t have, but this guy in front of him needed some hope to hold on to and if Louis’ words were helping him do that, then so be it.

“Thank you.” Harry repeated smiling weakly and the silence fell upon the room again.

It felt comfortable though.

***

Louis didn’t have to eat his words. At the beginning of the next week Niall had started to respond to different stimulations more and more, and by the end of the week, he had opened his eyes for the first time. The doctors had started to run a battery of tests immediately to get the latest prognosis.

The results had been both good and bad. He knew who he and who his family were, he remembered everything before the accident, and his speech pathways hadn’t been damaged. As was expected before, his right side was slightly paralyzed, but with immediate physical rehabilitation it should return to normal function. The blow to the head had been hard, and the consequences could have been really bad too. At first, it had seemed he had pulled through with minimal damage.

However, it soon became very clear that his short-term memory had been affected most. Niall seem to be able to recall the new faces of the hospital staff and even their names, he easily orientated to new places in hospital and when he later was allowed to move around, he was able to get around just like any other person. But sometimes he just didn’t seem to recall certain events from the day, or even from five minutes earlier, and that was really big problem. No one wasn’t able to tell if this was a temporary or permanent state, only time would tell.

Niall continued to stay in the ICU for a few days after he awoke from the coma, and then he was moved to the general ward. He had to stay at the hospital for two more weeks before they would move him to the rehabilitation centre to get the therapy he would need.

In some weird way, Louis missed Niall after he was gone. Most of the patients stayed for only a couple of days, but when someone was there longer, it was always easier to get attached to them more. Or maybe he just gets to use to them.

He had just started to get used to seeing Harry a few times a week. They had been able to talk a little bit and Louis already missed those moments. He shouldn’t, he knew it, but there was something in Harry that he couldn’t get out of his mind.

A few days later when Louis was leaving from a twelve hour shift, he saw Harry sitting on a bench outside the main entrance to the hospital, he hesitated for a brief moment before he walked over him.

“Hi, Harry,” Louis said softly trying not to scare him as he was bent forward in the seat with his face pressed into his palms.

“Oh, hi.” Harry struggled to smile without really succeeding. He quickly swiped his face with back of his hands, but his swollen red eyes and stained cheeks were giving him up easily.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Louis asked with worry in his voice while he crouched down in front of Harry. “Has something happened? Is Niall ok?”

“No, he’s not ok.” Harry snapped and then tears were back.

“Ok, ok.” Louis said soothingly and stood back up to then sit next to him on the small bench. He wanted to wipe the teardrops falling down with his thumb but it seemed too forward, not to mention unprofessional. Instead he laid his hand on Harry’s forearm and squeezed it lightly. “You can talk to me, you know.”

Harry didn’t answer, but he nodded anyway.

“What do you say we go to a coffee shop nearby, we could grab a drink and then you tell me what’s bothering you, yeah? It’s bloody cold out here.” Louis asked, smiling when the younger lad eventually raised his head again.

“Ok.” Harry sniffled and then answered with a small voice. He dug a kleenex out of his pocket to wipe the residual tears that pooled in the corners of his eyes before lifting himself up from the bench.

They walked in silence to Louis’ regular coffee establishment and he ordered a latte for Harry and a tea for himself. They found a spare table tucked away in the back corner and sat down. Silence continued, and Louis waited patiently. He didn’t want to push Harry too hard to open up, it would be easier for him to start whenever he was ready. Fortunately, the silence between them didn’t feel awkward, mainly just waiting. Still, Louis was happy when Harry finally began to speak.

“It’s just so hard to see him like this.” He sighed staring at his mug. “It’s Niall, but at same time he’s not _Niall_. He isn’t the same person I’ve known since we were kids. He’s always so angry now.” Harry paused for a moment and briefly looked at Louis before turning his gaze back to the table. “I think the worst part is that he knows it too, and it also hurts him. Even more than me. If I feel like shit, I can’t even imagine how bad he is feeling. And I hate these feelings I have. He’s my best friend, but yet I don’t know who he is anymore. It’s just so fucking frustrating.”

“Yeah, head trauma can tricky. Once again, I wish I could say everything is going to be alright. But I can’t. My knowledge about his current condition is based on what you have told me and what I have heard before. You said he had been in therapy, right?” Louis made sure and Harry nodded.

“What I’ll say now is based what I have seen before, with no guarantee how this will impact Niall.” Louis started cautiously. He needed to choose his words carefully, or otherwise he would make this whole thing even worse. “It’s been less than two months since the accident, and he was in a coma for almost three weeks. That’s a relatively short time considering comas can last from months to years. He might look better, but his body is still weak. It needs time to recover properly.”

“And now he has been seeing different kind of therapists. Some who work with his mind, some with his body. It’s really tiring, and he’s probably exhausted. Many times, that erupts as anger and frustration, and who are the ones to likely take the brunt of it?” Louis asked tilting his head slightly.

“Us.” Harry huffed eventually.

“Yeah, you lot.” Louis confirmed. “I know it’s not easy to take it all in, and you don’t even have to. You have every right to tell him if his words or behaviour hurts you. It’s fairly typical that after brain damage your ability to control your behaviour lowers, as the part of the brain responsible for self control is located in the front, and often that’s the part where most people get hit. I’m sure it’s something that he and his therapists are well aware of and working on.”

“Do you think I’m making it easy for him to take his frustrations out on me most of the time?” Harry asked furrowing his brows.

“I haven’t been there to witness it, so I can’t tell you with certainty. But I have gotten to know you a bit and based on that, it wouldn’t surprise me.” Louis smirked at Harry and was relieved when he smiled back. Not with full dimples yet, but a smile nonetheless. Louis will take what he can get.

“But I don’t want make him feel even worse though.” Harry said with hesitancy.

“Let me ask you a question.” Louis said leaning his elbows on the table and resting his chin against his fists. “Prior to the accident, if Niall would have said or done something that bothered you would you have said something to him?”

“Of course.” Harry answered immediately.

“Why not now, then?” Louis asked looking Harry straight into his eyes and saw a flash of confusion there.

“I— “ Harry stopped in the middle of sentence not knowing how to continue. Instead he started to chew on his thumb nail nervously while he was still thinking of an answer.

“You want Niall to be the same person he was before accident, yeah?” Louis asked, and Harry nodded.

“And even if he can’t be the same person anymore, at least you hope, he would behave towards you same way he did before?” Louis continued.

“Yeah…”

“How can you expect him to behave like he was before, if even you don’t treat him the same way as before?” Louis asked cocking his head.

“What…?”

“You heard me.”

“But it’s not the same thing.” Harry protested loudly.

“Why not?” Louis leaned back, his fingers crossed hands sitting his on his lap and took a challenging look at Harry.

“Because he almost died!”

“Does he want to be treated as a person on the brink of death?” Louis asked this time.

“Probably not.” Harry finally admitted. “But it’s hard to say something to him about it when I see him like this. And if I said something to him he doesn’t necessarily remember it five minutes later”

“I didn’t say it was easy. But you have to think it is part of his recovery too. I can’t say for sure it helps, no one can, but at least you have done your best then.” Louis smiled at him encouragingly.

“Yeah,” Harry answered, clearly still irritated. “I’ll try to remember that next time.”

“You can start with something little and see how that goes. You don’t have to pour your heart out all at once, it might be too much for both of you. But step by step. I’m sure you can do that.”

“Yeah, maybe I could do that.” Harry sighed after a pause, now looking slightly more relaxed than he was earlier.

“Good.”

After that Louis changed the subject and they started talking about what was going on their lives and getting to know each other. It was nice, and the conversation flowed easily. After a half hour or so of light conversation and even a bit of friendly banter, Louis noticed a familiar man walking towards them.

“Shit.” He hissed between his teeth when he recognized him. “Shit.”

“What?” Harry furrowed his brow and confusion in his eyes.

“I’ll explain later. Just play along, _please_.” Louis whispered with pleading eyes.

“Ok.” Harry nodded just before the guy was only couple of metres away from their table.

Louis quickly grabbed Harry’s hands in both of his and began to clasp their fingers together and gave them a firm squeeze. Louis heard him inhale sharply, but didn’t have time to think about it now.

“Hello, Louis.” Jack, or maybe it was Jake, greeted him smiling widely.

“Hi, Jack!” Louis replied, and watched when guy’s face crumpled a bit from his answer. Ok, not Jack then obviously. Whoops.

“It’s Jason.” He said a hint of sourness in his voice. Maybe he had his reasons, or perhaps he should have stayed afar in the first place. The only thing Louis cared about at this moment in time was how to get rid of him as fast as possible.

“Of course. Sorry, mate.” Louis glimpsed at him and then gave a blinding smile towards Harry while still caressing his hands softly. Louis wasn’t quite sure if Harry was breathing anymore, as he appeared frozen in place. This may not have been as an good idea as he had thought on a whim.

“So, how are you, Louis?” Jason asked glancing their joined hands smile fading gradually with every second that passed.

“I’m doing very well, thank you.” Louis beamed at him now. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot to introduce you two. Harry, this is my mate Jason. And Jason, this is my boyfriend Harry.” Louis heard a choked sound coming from Harry’s side of the table, but he didn’t dare to take a look at him right now.

“Oh—” Jason took a quick look at his watch. “Oh, I didn’t realize what time it was, I’m really running late now. Louis, it was good to see you. Harry, you too.” He nodded and then rushed away straight out of the door.

When Louis was sure he was gone, he gently untangled their fingers and gave Harry, who was still staring at him with wide panic stricken eyes, an apologetic look.

“Umm, I’m sorry about that.” Louis said biting his lip. “He was someone I hooked up with once, which was a big mistake, may I add. I’ve bumped into him a few times afterwards, and every time he has tried to get me to go out with him again, or even worse, just for… you know.” Louis grimaced with disgust. “He’s just creepy, and I wanted to get rid of him. Truly, I’m sorry that I used you to do it.”

“Harry, please say something.” Louis begged when the other man stayed quiet for too long, just twisting his fingers keeping his eyes locked down on the table. Eventually he stilled them and slowly raised his gaze to take a good look at Louis, his eyes still big and unreadable.

“You’re umm... you’re gay?” Louis wasn’t sure if he was asking or stating it when Harry at last stopped staring at the contents of his nearly empty mug and spoke for the first time in what seemed like ages.

“Yeah, I am.” Louis nodded and saw Harry gulping hard making his Adam’s apple bob visible in his throat. Ok, this wasn’t a good sign, Louis thought.

He cleared his throat before speaking again. “Is it a problem?” Louis asked carefully when the silence had fallen again over them.

“No!” Harry shouted sharply at first but soon he started babble nervously. “No. Not a problem. You being gay, I mean umm. Yeah.” Then he took a page from Jack’s book, or was it Jake? Jason! It was Jason, he took a page from Jason’s book and checked the time from the nonexistent watch on his wrist, said he was late for some imaginary appointment and ran out of the coffee shop at the speed of light.

_That went well_ , Louis thought to himself sarcastically. He sat alone at the table after Harry had made his getaway. Two birds with one stone. Except the other bird was something he didn’t want to get rid of from the start. What was even worse, he didn’t even have Harry’s number, so he couldn’t try to reach him and apologize to him.

Definitely a fucking success, he sighed. Now all he could hope was that Harry would come to him. If he didn’t, then this whole thing really sucked even more.

***

It was almost week later when Louis saw Harry again. Also this time, he was sitting on the same bench outside the hospital except this time he was there clearly waiting for Louis. He jumped up immediately when he saw Louis coming out of the doors and he made a beeline to him. When he reached Louis, he stopped and glanced timidly towards him.

”I’m sorry, Louis. I didn’t mean to behave like that last week. The whole situation surprised me. I wasn’t expecting that to happen.” He said with his head looking downwardly to his pigeon-toed feet before he raised his head up properly.

”No, hey Harry, look, don’t be sorry. It was all my fault. The whole idea was stupid and I shouldn’t have used you like that. Fuck, no wonder you ran away.” Louis smiled at him wholeheartedly.

”You didn’t make me run away.” Harry tried but Louis’ cocked eyebrow made him add. ”Ok, yeah. Maybe you did. But not in the way that you think.”

”What do I think then?” Louis asked observing him attentively.

”That I’m homophobic or something. I’m not, I swear.” He assured him and then looked around and lowered his voice to ask, ”Can I talk to you?”

”You kind of already are, you know?” Louis grinned, and when the expression in Harry’s face morphed to uneasy, he swore at himself inwardly. This definitely hadn’t been the right moment to make a joke. ”Fuck. Sorry, of course you can. Want to grab a cup of coffee again?”

”I— I was hoping we could go somewhere a bit more umm, more private.” Harry said pulling his lower lip with his pinched fingers looking extremely nervous and avoiding eye contact until Louis answered.

”Oh, sure. Do you have some place in mind, or we could go to mine? But we have to take a bus there.” Louis proposed next after quickly deliberating in his mind that Niall was no longer his patient and wouldn’t be crossing any kind of line.

”Your place seems good. I brought my bike, but you could give me your address and I could meet you there?” Harry suggested pointing to the bike secured in the rack.

”Yeah, sure. Just give me your phone number and I’ll text it to you. If you get lost, you can call me.”

”Ok.”

***

When Louis walked home from the bus stop, Harr was already waiting for him there.

“Shit, you’re fast!” Louis said astonished. “How did you get here without breaking a sweat?”

“Well, I like to bike.” Harry shrugged as if that would explain it all.

“So do many other people, and they still aren’t pedalling like Lance Armstrong.” Louis rolled his eyes. “C’mon then.” Louis waved Harry to follow him.

They climbed the stairs in silence and Louis didn’t bother to prepare Harry about what visual fuckery awaited on the other side of the door. He actually wanted to see his reaction. Louis opened the door and let Harry go in first. If their walk upstairs had been quiet, now he could have heard a pin drop. Harry’s eyes were moving wildly when he peered into the flat. He was biting his lip, like trying to think of something polite to say about it. The poor sod looked so confused but still Louis couldn’t help but pull his leg for a bit.

“What you think? I decorated this all by myself.” Louis beamed at him. “I even considered becoming an interior designer. How cool would it be?”

“Uuh—” Harry started and looked uncomfortable, eyes trying to find something to flatter. “Eclectic choices for sure.” He managed say without looking at Louis.

“I think so too! I especially like the colour scheme in this room. Do you like it?” Louis turned to look at him squirming in front, all the while with a huge smile on his face.

“Umm-mm.” Harry mumbled turning his gaze away from older lad.

“I’m just joking.” Louis burst to laugh and let the poor guy out of misery. “This place is hideous. And I definitely didn’t decorate this. I think even I could have done better than this.”

“Oh,” Harry said relieved and sweet as he was, he continued. “It’s not so bad if you take a closer look.”

“Harry, it’s even worse, when you take a closer look.” Louis deadpanned.

“But it’s your home.”

“Yeah, it’s my home. And because it’s decorated like Alice in bloody Wonderland, and the rent is ridiculously cheap. I’m saving up to buy a nicer flat one day. That’s why I put up with this shithole.” Louis grinned.

“Well, this is a little bit unordinary, to be honest.” Harry grinned him back.

“You haven’t seen the worst part yet.”

“I haven’t?” Harry wondered. “How much worse can it get?”

“I’ll show you, then you tell me.”

Louis lead them to the bedroom door and pushed Harry inside. The room was quite large, a wide four-poster bed in the middle and night tables flanking the sides. A row of sliding closet doors next to the door and across the room was a large oak writing desk. It was a return to 19th century, but yet that wasn’t the worst part -- the wallpaper was the worst part.

“Mmm, I can see what you mean.” Harry said when regained his ability to respond. “I like the flowers, though.”

“I like flowers too, but I also have my limits. Now this looks like I’m living in the Laura Ashley fancy dress shop during the liquidation sale where they are trying to sell all the pieces no one ever wanted. This looks like someone has vomited every single one of those samples here. I bet it’s the same person who decorated the living room too, but after they had lost their will to live.”

“When you say it that way, I think you might have a point.” Harry grinned at last and thank God, now there were the dimples too. Louis had missed them so badly.

“I don’t know any other way to arrange the furniture. I have thought about. A lot. Believe me.” Louis laughed shaking his head. “Have you seen enough of this architectural wonder, or do you want to admire it some more?” He asked cheekily.

“Yeah, guess I’m ready leave it behind.” Harry snickered softly.

“How about some tea?” Louis asked when they were back in the living room. “I don’t drink coffee so I don’t have it either. Sorry.”

“Tea is fine, thanks.” Harry answered sitting down on the couch. He was back to biting his fingernails nervously, and it made Louis wonder what he wanted to talk about. He had heard from Jade that Niall had been moved to the rehabilitation centre this week. Maybe Harry wanted to know something about it. It wasn’t very familiar territory for him but he was probably able to give him some answers anyway.

“Milk or sugar?”

“Just black for me, thanks.”

“There you are.” Louis place the steaming mug on the table and sat on the other end of sofa facing Harry.

“Thanks.” He said again smiling little. He kept stirring his drink, the loud clink of the spoon against the side of the mug cutting the silence every now and then. After a while he put the mug on the table and cleared his throat.

“About the last time…You told me something and I— I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just gonna say it straight up.” Then he paused for a moment furrowing. “I think I might be uhh...not straight, too?”

Ok, that was the last thing Louis had expected for Harry to want to talk to him about.

“You said you might be ‘not straight’. Is this your first time telling someone?” Louis asked gently and smiled at Harry encouragingly.

“Yeah.” He nodded, letting out a huge breath afterwards. “I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot lately. Then you held my hands in yours and called me your boyfriend, and then you told me after Jason left that you’re gay. And for the first time, thinking that I might not be straight, it all felt so right, you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong” he stuttered, “I know I’m not your boyfriend, but for the first time in my life the thought that my partner could be male?” He chuckled to himself before emphatically adding, “Fuck Louis, it just felt right.” Harry closed his eyes immediately following his admission, unsure of what Louis’ reaction would be, and also not being ready for whatever that reaction could be.

Louis edged closer to Harry on the sofa, and gingerly placed his hand on his bicep before speaking, “First at all, I’m so proud of you for coming out to me, believe me when I say I know how hard it can be. But I also know how liberating it can be, when you are finally able to say who you really are, not just someone everybody else thinks who you are.” Louis chose his words carefully and kept his eyes on Harry all the time.

“Yeah, it felt good to say it aloud.” Harry admitted smiling. “It felt right, too.”

“Good. Then it also was right thing to do.”

“Can I ask you something?” Harry hesitated a bit and waited for Louis to nod to him before going on. “The reason I told you was because I felt it was easier to tell someone who is also gay, and I also feel like we are friends, even if we haven’t known each other for very long.” He paused before adding, “I’ve only ever been with girls, but even then it’s never felt natural and right to me, it always felt like I’d been holding my breath for years. So, umm. I was wondering if you could take with me with you the next time you go out...to umm...a bar? Like, a gay bar?”

“Aww, of course we can, yeah? You figure out when you want to go, then I’ll make sure it doesn’t conflict with my work schedule.” Louis offered.

“Yeah, ok, thanks Louis” Harry breathed out deeply and Louis could almost hear him thinking to himself that there’s no going back now. Which was exciting and terrifying at the same time.

***

A couple of weeks later, Louis found himself in one of his favourite gay bars in Manchester with Harry. It wasn’t too big and had a relaxed atmosphere. It was a nice mixture of pub and nightclub where the music wasn’t too loud to talk over unless you went to the area where the dance floor was located.

“Do you want something to drink, settle the nerves a bit?” Louis asked Harry who looked excited, but also extremely nervous while glancing around the bar.

“Yeah, please. Something fruity would be nice.” Harry smiled and the newfound happiness was shining in his eyes. Louis was pleased to see his enthusiasm and forwarded his wish to the bartender waiting. Not long after, they found a small table to sit at, Louis with a beer in hand and Harry with some red cocktail, hot pink straw sticking out of the glass. He stirred his drink a few times before he caught the straw with his tongue and then sucked the liquid through it. How that simple gesture could be so hot and seducing without it even being intentional, Louis didn’t know. He just had a sudden urge to be that straw.

And that was just weird, wasn’t it?

Before his straw fantasy had time to progress further, Louis took a sip from his own beer and looked around. The bar was still quite empty but people were coming and going constantly. A few people were already on the dance floor but mainly people were gathered around the tables or standing in groups near the walls, talking and drinking. The volume of the music was reasonable in the sort of lounge area he and Harry were sitting in. Louis was facing the back wall leaving Harry a good spot to observe the patrons at bar.

He did it timidly under his lashes at first but soon he was already holding his head up when he let his eyes circulate around. He was biting the straw between sips, holding the almost empty glass near his chest. Despite the straw, his drink was staining his lips redder than they normally were, making them like two magnets Louis couldn’t help but be drawn to.

Louis forced his eyes away from Harry’s lips but it didn’t help much, if at all, when he dropped his gaze to his chest.

Louis had usually seen him in old t-shirts and oversized jumpers, but today Harry was wearing an almost sheer black, long-sleeved shirt that bordered on obscene — he swears he almost saw nipples — with a scoop neck revealing his collarbones prominently. Of course, he had his black skinny jeans on making his lean legs look a mile-long. Louis doubted if he even had any other trousers beside them. But they suited him perfectly, so Louis didn’t complain. His hair was styled in a quiff, but his curls were already starting to behave unruly and falling onto his forehead. A silver cross necklace that Louis hasn’t seen before was draped languidly around his neck and the thick silver ring on his right middle finger occasionally clicked against the glass he was holding.

Louis had to admit Harry looked fucking hot tonight.

“So, do you see anyone interesting?” Louis asked after the silence started to feel slightly uncomfortable when he just kept staring Harry.

Harry shrugged and Louis took it as an ‘no’.

“What’s your type then? I can help you look.” Louis grinned.

“I— I don’t know…” Harry mumbled pinching his lower lip between his fingers. Nervous habit, Louis assumed. “I’ve never really thought about it. Or umm, I never really allowed myself to think about what my type could be. I never imagined actually do this so....” His face looked flushed when he frowned, clearly thinking about Louis question.

“Ok. Maybe now it’s good time to start doing it, yeah? Let’s get a feel for what you find attractive and go from there.” Louis smirked nodding his head towards the bar area.

“Yeah, yeah. Let me think.” Harry said mainly into his glass. After a moment he raised his gaze and looked at Louis over the brim. “Brunette, absolutely. Maybe blue eyes, yeah. I kind of like the idea them being smaller than me.” With every answer Louis’ cheeks reddened more and more. He wasn’t even sure if Harry noticed the similarities between his ‘type’ and Louis. But Louis definitely did.

He needed to breathe. “Do you want another drink? I’m gonna go for a cheeky cig and I’ll bring you one when I come back, yeah?” Louis didn’t wait for his response, instead he got up quickly and walked out to the designated smoking area. He lit his cigarette and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. Nicotine eased his nerves slightly, and when he flicked the butt to the road and stepped inside again he was feeling much calmer than when he had left. Why had Harry’s words affected him so much in the first place, that was the real question.

While Louis was waiting at the bar for their next round, he saw some bloke talking to Harry. He looked happy for the attention and was smiling brightly to the tall blonde haired guy. It shouldn’t have made Louis beam emphatically after Harry’s description of his ‘type’, but it did anyway.

“Where did your admirer go?” Louis asked innocently smiling when he placed their drinks on the table where Harry was sitting alone.

“Oh, him. He was just nice and kept me company while you were away.” Harry waved his hand in the air nonchalantly.

“You could have asked him to go dance with you or something.” Louis suggested when he sat down and took a gulp from the bottle.

“This is still so new, and honestly, I’m not so into dancing anyway.” Harry shrugged and reached down to take his drink.

Fast forward to a few drinks later he was practically begging Louis to come to the dance floor with him.

“What happened to ’Mr I don’t dance’?” Louis laughed as Harry dragged him into the middle of the crowd. Harry’s answer was caught up in the music, if the answer ever even came. Louis wasn’t sure. He just saw Harry smiling widely in front of him and decided to go with the flow.

They actually had a lot of fun out on the floor. Sometimes it was just two of them, other times someone else might have joined them. The music was loud and gripping, and Louis danced his ass off. He couldn’t remember the last time he had spent hours on the dance floor before tonight. But for sure, he had missed it.

It was already three am when they were standing outside the bar, tucked out of the cold in a storefront doorway, waiting for their Uber to come. They stood and waited all sweaty, smiley and very much tipsy. Harry only had on a thin coat and he was shivering in the chilly night.

Louis wrapped his arm around his slim shoulders and pulled him closer. Harry hummed and cuddled happily into Louis’ neck, his fingers pressing into the soft fabric his coat.

“Hey,” Louis suddenly remembered. “You didn’t get a chance find your type tonight, let alone kiss anyone. I thought it was on your bucket list.”

“Yeah.” Harry twisted his head to search Louis’ eyes and smiled. “I just didn’t see anyone who I had wanted to share my first ‘not straight’ kiss with.”

“You have time. Don’t worry.” Louis smiled him and tucked a loose curl behind Harry’s endearingly small ear.

“I could kiss you.” Harry breathed out, barely audible, and for a moment Louis was sure he had misheard him.

“What..?”

“If— You can say no.” Harry added fast. “But if you let me, I’d like to kiss you.”

Suddenly feeling sober, Louis mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton and words were sticking into his throat. He nodded anyway. He couldn’t deny that he wanted to kiss Harry. Of course he did, he’d be a fool not to. He just wasn’t sure if it was good idea after all they’ve consumed tonight, especially with how it could affect Harry tomorrow. But Louis had always been one to give in to temptation easily, and this time didn’t make any exception.

In what felt like slow motion, Harry cupped Louis’ cheeks and pulled him closer. At first, it was a butterfly-light touch of their lips when they met in the middle. Soon Harry gathered more courage and pressed his soft lips firmly against Louis’. After what felt like eons and seconds all at once, he pushed his tongue carefully into Louis’ mouth and somehow everything in Louis’ life came together in an instant and felt… well… complete.

He hadn’t been expecting for this to happen, but yet, since the beginning there had been something about Harry that Louis could no longer ignore. Especially not now. Harry was tasting fruity from the fruit juice, and if he’s honest, a bit stale after their night of abandon but it was perfect. Louis pulled Harry closer, letting himself sink into the kiss and give all of himself to Harry while he had the chance.

Louis thought the night could have ended in a myriad of different ways. But anything else would have paled in comparison to that first kiss on that chilly April night with the sweetest guy he had ever met.

***

Harry was way too lovely. And beside that, they really had fun together all the time. Ever since the first time they properly talked, when Harry came out to him, they had just clicked. The instant feeling that you know the other person so well despite just meeting them. That kind of chemistry is rarely encountered. It had been on a friendly basis at first but after their first kiss, Louis didn’t know what to think anymore.

It really had caught him off guard, even if it had been a simple experimentation for Harry. But then it had just continued. When they met at Louis’ they cuddled on the sofa making out like a couple of secondary school kids. It was still innocent, and yet, there were butterflies bouncing around in Louis’ belly every time they kissed. He tried to remind himself all the time this was only Harry experiencing his newly found sexuality, nothing more serious.

Until it got serious.

One night they were snogging in front of the telly as they usually did, when things heated up. Louis loved kissing. Like proper French kisses, with tongues involved and soft traces of roaming hands and fingers.

It started out like that this time. Harry’s tongue slipping between Louis’ lips and past his teeth, all warm and tender, tentatively searching the walls of his mouth licking and tasting. Harry was so dazed and perhaps it was when Louis raised himself up enough underneath for Harry to deepen their kiss into something hotter, and more sensual than it had ever been before. Harry’s slick tongue captured Louis’ and tangled with his in a battle for dominance. Louis’ hands had a mind of their own as they traced up Harry’s sides to caress at the nape of his neck.

His hair felt so soft and the baby curls along his hairline were brushing against Louis’ fingers and he couldn’t help but run them through his messy mop. He just wanted to feel the silkiness between his fingers, wrapping them around like corkscrews. Somehow, he managed to tangle a few tresses around the watch on his wrist, and while trying to tear it away, he ended up tugging Harry’s head along with it. It was the slightest tug ever, but it was enough to cause a poorly-repressed moan from the younger man. The moan that sent a bolt straight into Louis’ dick, making it twitch with intrigue and interest.

The next thing he knew, he had lap full of a very eager Harry whose palms were pressing down into his chest and his hardening cock was grinding infinitesimally against Louis’ crotch. Louis dropped his hands to cup his pert little bum, covered by the same black skinnies as always, and rubbed it in circles before letting his hands travel down along the sides of his thighs, back up and down few times and then settled them on his hips.

Harry leaned in closer, fingertips cradling around the back of Louis’ skull, his tongue licking deeper and deeper into Louis’ mouth.

He pulled away from Louis’ lips, looking into his eyes, almost straight into his soul, ”Can I suck you off, Lou?” Harry panted above Louis’ lips.

”Fuck, Harry. Yeah, but… are you sure?” Louis gasped when his dick was throbbing in his pants, almost painfully now.

The next thing he knew, Harry had slinked off the sofa and onto his knees, his fingers trembled as they searched for the waistband of Louis’ joggers. Soon after they found it, he hooked his fingers around it and pulled them down, along with his boxers and tossed them on the floor behind him. He opened the fly and pulled down the zipper of his own jeans and pushed them lower giving his growing hard on more room than the extra tight denim allowed.

Once the trousers were gone, Harry stopped for the first time and took a proper look at Louis’ hard dick making a sudden gasp at the sight of it. It was the first real dick he’d ever seen up close and in real life. It was pink, and thick and flushed red at the tip that poked out from under the foreskin. Harry was nervous up until now, like not knowing how he would respond when a live dick was right in his face, but then the nervousness left and he couldn’t wait to get started. He hesitated only slightly, eyes asking permission to touch and when Louis gave it, he carefully wrapped his hand around Louis’ length. Louis groaned lowly from the warmth and the friction and Harry’s first tentative tug down made the sounds get louder and more carnal.

”Is this ok?” Harry asked insecurely and seemed to ignore all the moans Louis let out. ”I don’t really know what I’m doing when it’s not my own.”

”Yeah,” Louis panted when Harry’s hand pumped him again. ”You’re doing good. Very good, just do to me what you like to do to yourself, yeah?”

That was all the encouragement Harry seemed to need and he knew exactly what to do as he pumped away, slow at first and building up to a quick and firm rhythm, adding a soft twist to the wrist when he got up to the head every couple of strokes. Louis felt cool air on a particular long tug toward the base that pulled down his foreskin, exposing the wet head for the first time. That’s when Louis felt the first tentative licks of Harry’s tongue across the head, before he cautiously worked his way down to the base of his cock. His thumbs digging into the insides of Louis’ thighs and slightly spreading them apart giving himself more room to play with. Harry pulled off his cock with a slurp, and eased up on holding Louis’ legs down as he bit his lower lip. He took in a sharp breath, moistened his plump lips with his pink tongue and then dove back down to wrap his lips around Louis’ girthy cock, giving it couple of novice sloppy sucks, unsure how to tackle the next part of the blowie.  

It’s was so easy to forget it was Harry’s first time after all.

He continued to lick and to suck like he was tasting a new ice cream flavour and wondering whether he liked it or not. He guessed the answer was ’yes’ because the next lick was much bolder. He started from the base and followed the fat vein on the side until he reached the head of Louis’ cock.

After an almost unnoticeable pause Harry took as much of his cock into his mouth as he could muster and sucked on it with fervor, like he was making up for years of not having his mouth stuffed full of cock.

”God!” Louis yelled his hips snapping unwittingly, causing Harry pull off quickly and to raise his widened eyes towards Louis.

”Shit, Lou did I hurt you? I’m so sorry.” He asked with grave concern making Louis laugh briefly.

”Oh, Christ no. The opposite, actually. Are you sure you haven’t done this before?” Louis grinned, and Harry smirked at him under his brows before he sunk back down again on his dick. This time he swallowed it almost whole. Louis had been right when earlier he had mused to himself that Harry’s pretty mouth was made for sucking cock. It was wide and soft, and his perfect pink tongue seemed to seek out the sensitive spots naturally. And last, but definitely not the least, he didn’t seem to have any gag reflex.

Like not at all.

Harry found his groove and he licked, sucked and swallowed him like he had been doing so for years, definitely not the actions of someone who, just few minutes back, had seen his first hard dick that wasn’t his own.

No, this was a gift from God herself with lips gleaming from saliva that dripped slowly from the corners of his mouth, and eyes so glassy and big that barely any green was visible when he met Louis’ gaze. All the while his mouth, oh fuck his mouth was pushing him over the edge with the speed and force of a hurricane. His nose was brushing against the downy hair around Louis’ base and his nimble fingers gently rolled his balls. As if that wasn’t enough to endure, the middle finger from his other hand searched for his entrance and circled it deftly before he nudged slightly at the ring of muscle. It was this combination, this perfect storm of fingers, lips, tongue and knowing his cock was being plunged further down Harry’s throat with every bob of his head, that was enough to make heat pool in his belly before sending his load down into Harry’s throat without so much as a warning. Louis saw stars for a few seconds and only remembered where he was and what just happened when Harry made a choked noise as he struggled to swallow his come and catch his breath again.

”Fuck, sorry.” Louis croaked when he was able to speak again. ”I should have warned you. Shit!”

”I’m fine, Lou.” Harry laughed still licking his lips with dazed eyes looking half Saint and half fallen Angel, and Louis didn’t know why his heart suddenly fluttered warmly in his chest. ”More than fine, to be honest.”

”Come here, I wanna get you off too.” Louis whispered, but Harry just giggled softly shaking his head saying there was no need to do it anymore. A quick look towards a large wet spot on the front of his boxers proved him correct.

_Oh fuck, that was hot_ , Louis thought.

Harry curled up next to Louis, who couldn’t help but to kiss him softly on the forehead and hold him as close as he could. In that moment the future looked so bright and beautiful.

***

“Can I give you a lift?” Louis whipped his head towards the deep voice that called out from behind him when he stepped out of supermarket carrying a bag of groceries. He was on his way home from work and didn’t expect to see anyone he knew. Least of all the person he was currently looking at.

Or actually, staring at with his mouth agape.

Louis blinked couple of times, but the guy remained still leaning against the driver’s door of an old shitbox of a car that he couldn’t identify as it was so old and rusted. In contrast though, the guy looked hot as fuck and familiar too. If his drunken memory served him correct, he recalled seeing him last in the alley behind the pub few months back.

Today he was decked out all in black; ripped jeans, worn-out band t-shirt with a leather motorcycle jacket and biker boots. Louis slowly raised his gaze up to his face, his features so sharp and beautifully structured that Greek Gods themselves would have envied him. His eyes were dark, a smooth olive complexion, with a hint of gold to them and his raven hair was tied into a baby ponytail at the crown of his head. Piercings adorned his ears and his brows were knitted together, with his tattooed body to round out his carefully sculpted bad boy image. He took a drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke out with perfect shaped ’o’s. Louis’ mouth was suddenly very dry when he tried to gulp down his look of surprise. Clearly the guy saw it and smirked behind the plume of smoke.

“Well, what you sayin’? Need a ride?” He asked again with a wink and Louis felt his face burn up. The ebony haired man didn’t wait for an answer, he just stumped his fag on the bonnet and opened the door. Louis jumped in after a moment’s hesitation because he wasn’t able to do anything else either.

“How did you know it was me?” Louis stuttered after the bloke had sat back into driver’s seat and turned to survey Louis, who didn’t dare to raise his eyes from his lap, closely.

“I saw you walking and realized I’ve seen that bum before—” He grinned, “and I decided to wait outside to see if I happened to remember the face too.”

“Did you?” Louis finally looked up to meet his eyes.

“Yeah, how I could not remember this pretty face.” He said and brushed his thumb over Louis’ cheek making him shiver.

“So, where am I taking you to, Blue Eyes?” He asked letting his finger sweep Louis’ lips before moving his hand back to the wheel.

_Straight to Hell_ , Louis thought to himself.

Somehow, he managed to say his address and Nameless Handsome nodded and started to drive. He didn’t ask any further directions, so he must be familiar with this neighbourhood somehow.

“What can I call you?” Louis blurted out next, and soon added. “I mean, what’s your name? I don’t think I got it last time.”

“You can call me anything you want, babe.” Guy winked, and on that exact moment Louis knew, at some point he just would be death to him. “But my name is Zayn.”

“Zayn.” Louis tasted the name without even realizing he had said it aloud. It sounded mysterious and a bit dangerous, just like Zayn himself.

“Yeah, that’s my name. How about you, love?” Zayn glanced Louis briefly.

“Louis. My name is Louis.”

Zayn didn’t say anything, just nodded approvingly. Which was weird, to be honest. However, Louis didn’t have more time to think about it when Zayn soon pulled car on the curb in front of his house.

“Is this it?” He asked and when Louis replied “Yes.” He shut off the engine but stayed still just watching Louis as he fumbled to open the door and get out of the car. He picked up his shopping and with hesitation started to walk towards front door. _What the hell should I do_ , Louis asked himself.

Anyway, it was Zayn who talked first.

“So,” He started his arm resting against open window sill. “are you going to invite me in?”

_No_. You have to say no. You have Harry, remember him? Louis’ conscience yelled, but his mouth wasn’t cooperating with it. He also reminded himself that what he has with Harry is just an experimentation for Harry and to go for it. In the distance, Louis heard his own voice croak “Sure.”

_What the fuck you think you’re doing_ , he kept asking himself repeatedly as he made his way upstairs with Zayn, just two steps behind him. His scent was musky and intoxicating, and Louis had lost his ability to think from the very second, he had seen Zayn again.

With the third attempt he succeeded to open the door and stepped in with Zayn hot on his heels. He heard the lock click shut, and suddenly the air felt too thick to breathe. Louis quickly kicked off his shoes and wrenched the shopping bag briskly up from the floor where he had put it while he took his coat off. He placed it on the work top and Louis felt Zayn’s gaze on his back with every move when he started to unload it.

Finally he pushed the fridge door shut and turned carefully around to face him. He met his fiery eyes, and Zayn kept them locked with Louis’ as he slowly started walking towards him.

Louis couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t focus on anything but the throbbing dick in his pants and when Zayn finally stopped in front of him, Louis was sure he couldn’t breathe either.

Zayn wasn’t tall, barely an inch taller than Louis but his presence was so strong it made Louis feel like he was at least a head taller. He caged Louis against the counter and pressed his hands on to Louis shoulders. He was so close that Louis had to tilt his head back to see him, and after he did that he immediately knew it was a big mistake. This whole damn thing was a mistake from the start, but now he knew there was no escape anymore.

Zayn was eyeing him like a snake stalking its prey, closely and ready to strike at any second now. He was just waiting for the right moment to do it. Louis couldn’t help but inhale sharply when his brain finally remembered he must breathe too. His exhale was now quelled by Zayn’s lips pressing against his own. Louis’ mouth was already slightly apart, and Zayn took an advantage of it sticking his slick tongue into Louis’ mouth.

And Louis took it happily.

Without even noticing, his hands had come up to grip around Zayn’s neck, his fingers reaching the back of his head as Louis pulled him even closer. Zayn’s hands had raised up to Louis’ waist and were travelling slowly towards his hips. When they met the waistband of his jeans, Zayn’s fingers slipped underneath it and worked their way toward the middle. He popped the button open, dragged the zipper down giving his hands more room to move under Louis’ jeans.

His delicate hands cupped Louis’ arse and squeezed and kneaded its well-formed shape with his fingertips. Zayn was pressing himself closer grinding his growing hardness against Louis’. A high pitched moan escaped Louis’ mouth when his dick finally got some friction. But it just didn’t feel enough, nothing seemed to feel enough right now.

Louis wanted it all, and he wanted it _now_.

“Someone is greedy.” Zayn smirked when he noticed Louis’ movements became more and more desperate. He pulled back slightly but before Louis had time to be disappointed, Zayn had already pulled down Louis’ jeans along with his boxers, making his cock slap hard against his belly. Maybe he should have been ashamed at how quickly aroused he had become, but then he noticed Zayn was in similar state as Louis was.

Louis’ hands wandered under his t-shirt, played there a moment before he nervously opened his jeans and pulled them down. Zayn stepped out of them and then whipped off his shirt too. Louis let his eyes roam over his gorgeous, naked body and soon his hands followed suit. Even though he was touching Zayn, it still felt so surreal, like it was happening in a dream.

It wasn’t him who was suddenly lifted onto the worktop half naked. It wasn’t him who almost ripped his t-shirt when he eagerly took it off. It wasn’t him who widened his legs, so Zayn could press in closer, aligning their hard cocks as they met in the middle.

But yet, it was Louis who pulled Zayn into a deep kiss again which caught his breath once again. And it definitely was Louis who got Zayn to wrap his hand around his dick and who was moaning wildly when the said hand pumped him couple of times.

“Fuck.” Louis hissed biting his lower lip.

“Yes, babe. I plan to do that soon too, but first I need a little taste.” Zayn said and soon Louis was screaming out again when Zayn sucked the tip of his dick into it his wet and eager mouth.

He swirled his tongue around the head few times and pulled off before returning his tongue to lick his way up from his base to the tip, heavy and broad. When he reached the very tip, his tongue swiped over Louis’ slit and all seemed to blacken after that. His dick was in Zayn’s mouth again wrecking him with a level of pleasure he didn’t know even existed.

Louis’ nails were pressing on Zayn’s shoulders when Zayn was taking the blowjob. Yes, taking. Zayn was giving Louis the treatment of his life, but he also knew what he wanted and took it.

And Louis let him.

There were so many reasons why he shouldn’t, and the biggest one was Harry. But at this moment Louis couldn’t stop even if he wanted. But to be honest, he didn’t. He couldn’t. It was feeling way too good. So, he just rested the back of his head against the kitchen cabinet and let Zayn’s tongue continue to drive him crazy.

He did it in a way Louis had never experienced. If he had thought their first time had been phenomenal this felt even more out of this world. He just got lost in it and the next thing he realized he was coming with such power that his whole body was trembling like he was caught in the middle of an earthquake. He didn’t have much time to recover when Zayn had picked him up and was carrying him towards the bedroom. He found the right room and the bed where he carefully laid Louis down.

“Do you have lube?” Zayn whispered into his ear making the simple question sound sexy as hell.

“In the top drawer.” Louis rasped, his gaze following Zayn’s every movement. He found what he was looking for and returned to where he was kneeling next to Louis, with a bottle of lube and condom in his hand. He placed them on the duvet and lowered himself to kiss Louis again, his tongue searched the inner recesses of Louis’ mouth, all hot and wet. He caught Louis’ wrists, and pressed them against the bed and slowly started to make his way down Louis’ quivering body.

His every move felt so smooth and deliberate, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind on Louis exposed skin. His lips and fingers made every cell in Louis body burn like he was on fire. His brain has turned into mush, making him feel like he was in someone else’s body because this wasn’t him right now.

Usually he was much more active and braver, the dominant one. The one who knew what he wanted and how to get it. He was the one who fucked, not the one who got fucked. He couldn’t even remember when the last time was he had bottomed, but now he couldn’t think of anything other than how desperately he wanted to feel Zayn’s hard dick pounding into his arse.    

He was hard again when Zayn’s fingers trailed gingerly over his dick, only touching him with light grazes, teasing and leaving his leaking cock craving a firmer touch. He reached his own hand down to get some friction, but Zayn’s fiery eyes stopped him in mid-action and submissively he laid his hands on the bed next to his body.

Zayn gave a small tug on his balls and let his middle finger disappear between Louis’ cheeks. With a little sigh Louis willingly spread his legs wider bending his knees to allow him more room to play with. Almost immediately, the finger that hovered over his hole was gone just leaving disappointment and pulsing lust in its wake.   

Louis heard the cap of the lube bottle snap open and Zayn’s eyes were back on his. Then they were kissing again, filthy and open mouthed. A lube slicked finger was back to his hole and Zayn quieted the frantic moan Louis let out as the first finger finally slid into his hole, at the same time as he sucked Louis’ tongue into his mouth.

After that everything went blurry.

Zayn opened him quickly but gently, making Louis squirm on the bed for more. He was gripping the sheets groaning every time he prodded at his prostate. If Zayn was going to continue like this he was going to come untouched any moment now.

“Fuck me, please. Now. I need you to fuck me.” Louis pleaded over and over again, and finally Zayn gave him mercy. He pulled his fingers out, leaving a throbbing emptiness in its place.

Zayn placed the condom on and covered it with generous amount of lube. He settled himself between Louis’ wide-open legs and lined himself up so that the tip was heavy against Louis’ hole. Desperately, Louis lifted his hips hoping it would speed things along.

But Zayn did it the way he wanted. He ignored Louis’ desperate moans and pulled back for a moment. He opened Louis’ legs even wider, placing the palms of his hands under the backs of his knees and pushing down until they were bent almost at the sides of his chest. Then Zayn leaned forward and dropped his face into Louis’ collarbones and began to lick and suck at the skin there. Finally with one smooth move, he pushed all the way in to the hilt.

It was a moment of agonizing pleasure and it made Louis scream louder than ever. After few tentative, still slightly painful thrusts, Louis lost it. All he felt was pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. He let Zayn pound him into the mattress in a way no one ever had, Zayn’s balls and hips audibly slapped against his arse from the sheer force of his thrusts. He kept hammering into him until Louis felt the familiar heat pool in his groin and he let out a high pitched cry as he came even more forcefully than he had in the kitchen just 20 minutes before. He was still clenching his hole in waves around Zayn until he reached his own climax a few thrusts later. He crashed down onto Louis breathlessly, still sucking on his collarbones.

They stayed there a moment until Zayn eventually got up and dressed, kissed Louis goodbye and walked to the door.

“See you later, babe.” He winked before he stepped out of the room leaving Louis to wonder what the hell just happened. He should feel shame, but the afterglow was too high to feel anything but overjoyed satisfaction.

The shame and regret hit just when he after showered and walked to the kitchen where he found a yellow post-it stuck onto the same spot of counter that he got his blowie on earlier, saying “Call me!”. He should have thrown it into a trash immediately, maybe even burn it so as to not to feel tempted. But Louis was weak, he had always been and hated himself more than ever for saving the number on his mobile.

He had Harry. The most wonderful person he knew. Harry, who he was falling for more and more every day.

Harry was the breath of fresh air, like the first floral breezes of summer. He was the Earth that made him feel safe to walk, and water he needed to stay alive.

But Zayn.

Zayn was fire. He was hot and irresistible. Fire burns, but in the moment of heat, it didn’t matter. All you felt was the pull of the heat. But Louis also knew if you played long enough with fire, eventually you got burned.

And now, it was just a matter of time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter there's a scene that some might see as dubious consent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the end notes for additional trigger warnings for this chapter.

[ Pet Shop Boys - It Couldn't Happen Here ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8gxsQA5mt4)

Chapter 4

Harry

 

_“Now it almost seems incredible_  
_We've laughed too loud, and woke up everyone_  
_I may be wrong, but I thought we said_  
_It couldn't happen here”_

 

_***_

 

_June 2009_

 

If there had been one good thing that resulted from Niall’s accident it must have been Louis Tomlinson. It hadn’t been that long ago, but it was difficult for Harry to recall a time in his life that didn’t involve Louis. He had come to play such a big role in Harry’s life.

Of course, Harry had noticed Louis immediately when he had entered the ICU for the first time with Liam. Who wouldn’t have? He was gorgeous, but still his first impression of him had been how he had behaved towards them. How amiable and empathetic had he been. The whole situation had been horrendous and scary, but Louis had made it bearable. On that first visit he’d had too many things going on in his mind, and even if the Queen herself had been in front of him, it wouldn’t have made any difference. All that had mattered had been Niall.

But it didn’t mean he hadn’t noticed the older lad’s beauty later. Shit, if he had questioned before whether he was into guys or not, meeting Louis Tomlinson had given him the answer without a doubt, and in that time he had developed a huge crush on him.

It wasn’t only the caramel coloured fringe, or the way his aqua blue eyes were complemented by his dark blue uniform which made his eyes look like pools of water Harry wanted to drown himself in. Nor was it his skin, that even in mid-winter looked sun-kissed and golden. Obviously, those were the pros, but still after all, the best thing about Louis was his personality.

It had all started with the little conversations that took place between them when Harry had visited Niall and Louis was on duty. But the turning point had been the time Louis had found him outside the hospital and suggested they talk over coffee. The very same time when he had grabbed Harry’s hands and caressed his fingers when he was trying to get rid of that Jason guy. His touches had made Harry’s skin tingle in a way it never has before. It hadn’t only made him realise he wanted, _needed_ , a man touching him like that. It had also been the realisation he wanted Louis to be that person.

Of course, he hadn’t had the courage to tell him that. It had been too much for himself as well clearly, judging by the way he had run away. He had to digest it for a few days before he had felt brave enough to face Louis again. He had decided not to talk about his crush, he just wanted to come out to someone and Louis had been the perfect solution. They had talked a lot that night and it had made Harry feel good and confident.

It had been weeks later when he finally confessed to his family, he thought he was gay. He told them about Louis too. That he was Harry’s boyfriend. Kind of, anyway. Harry had been thrilled, and perhaps a bit too insecure, to bring the topic up and Louis hadn’t mentioned it either. But Harry was certain he wasn’t only one with the feelings — they hadn’t discussed it but it felt mutual.

If the first big moment in their relationship, at least for Harry, had been the one in the coffee house, the second one had been the night they kissed for the first time. When Harry had innocently asked Louis to come with him to the gay bar, he might have dreamed something like that would happen between them. But still, the fact it actually happened, had felt like a fairytale come true. Afterwards, Harry wasn’t even sure who made the first move. Not that it mattered anyway.

Since that night, their relationship moved forwards with leaps and bounds. Kissing and cuddling became a thing, and it wasn’t much later, when Harry sucked Louis off for the first time. It had been such a mind-blowing experience to Harry that he had come in his pants just by giving Louis head. And Louis didn’t seem to have any complaints about it either.

Harry was head over heels for the blue-eyed man, and nothing was going to change that.

***

Tonight was going to be it, Harry thought. The night when he and Louis were going to have sex. Proper bum sex, not just the blowies or hand jobs that have sustained them thus far. Louis just didn’t know it yet. Obviously, he knew Harry was coming for an overnight visit, but Harry had kept his other plans to himself.

Of course, Louis would find out about it soon enough. But for now, it was his own little secret.

Harry had always had this stupid idea about falling in love. Like it would be a ‘once in a lifetime’ kind of happening. Maybe he was fool or romantic, or perhaps both, but he still believed that. Now even more than ever. Because Harry was in love. For the first time in his life, and he couldn’t be happier.

Of course, Niall’s situation was slightly overshadowing his happiness, but Louis had helped him to handle the aftermath so well. Niall’s situation was still tricky, and if anything, it was only getting worse. He had been in the rehabilitation centre for a few weeks now to improve his mobility, and it was progressing better than the doctors had expected. It probably wouldn’t be long before he would move back home.

Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said about his memory. There hadn’t been any notable changes, and his prognosis was also fairly uncertain, there wasn’t much of hope left it would ever return to normal. Or even get any better.

And it had been tough pill to swallow for Niall.

Not that anyone could blame him for it, but he had made everybody’s life pretty miserable. Niall was cranky and angry all the time and took his frustration out on the people around him, or even worse, shut them all out entirely. There had been times when Harry had visited Niall, and he had just asked Harry to leave. Sometimes he could see there would be no point in staying because his mood had been so bad, but other times he had refused to leave and eventually Niall had calmed down enough to make the visit nice at the end of the day.

But Niall wasn’t only one who was frustrated.

On a few occasions, Harry had found himself pouring out his own helpless feelings and crying on Louis’ shoulder. Harry honestly didn’t know how he would have survived without Louis in his life. He had been so invaluable those past couple of months. Of course, he still had Liam but they both subconsciously avoided talking about Niall. Or should he say, they avoided certain things about Niall they never talked about.

Was it wise? Probably not, but that’s what they did anyway.

Harry pushed all the unpleasant thoughts away when he knocked on Louis’ door. Now he had more important things on his mind, like the gorgeous man in front of him. The man he was going to give his virginity to tonight. Harry gave him a little kiss on the lips and took the bag of groceries in to the kitchen.

“What do you have here?” Louis asked peeking into a bag.

“I grabbed a few supplies from Tesco. I’m gonna cook you supper.” Harry smiled as he started to unload the contents on the worktop.

“You don’t have to. We could have just ordered something in.” Louis protested but Harry hushed him with the wave of the hand.

“I know I don’t _have to_ , but I _want_ to. That’s the difference. Maybe you could open the wine while I start on supper. Or do you want a beer instead? I could go for a glass of wine anyway.” Harry handled the bottle of red and corkscrew to Louis.

“Wine is fine. Thanks, love.” Louis said making Harry blush. Would he ever get used to the pet names Louis called him? If Harry was honest, Louis called everybody love, but still it made Harry feel special whenever he called him love, too.

“I’m going to broil these striploins and mix up a spinach and strawberry salad with a balsamic vinaigrette. Sound good?” Harry asked coyly.

“Like I said you don’t even have to cook for me. I’m just happy to eat whatever you have decided to make. Stop worrying, baby.” If Harry already was flushed now his cheeks were reminding the colour of strawberries he was about to start cutting.

“Ok, thanks.” Harry took the half full glass of wine from Louis who had jumped on the worktop next to the hob. While Harry was cooking, Louis was telling him about his day. A good half an hour later they were already sitting at the table and having their supper.

The emptier their plates became, the more nervous Harry started to feel. He knew he wanted this. He needed Louis to fuck him, but still, it made him feel a bit anxious.

“Are you alright?” Louis asked frowning when they eventually had ended up on the couch cuddling and Harry wasn’t able to stay still. “You seem so restless.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Harry answered trying to calm himself down. He took a sip from his glass and focused on the feeling of the wine buzzing pleasantly in his head. He leaned in to kiss Louis who answered it with pleasure. When the situation once again got heated, Harry decided to confess Louis his plans and whispered into his ear. “I was just hoping that tonight we could go all the way.”

“All the way?” Louis twisted his head to take proper look at Harry. “Are you talking about sex now?”

“Yeah. What else?” He nodded, looking Louis boldly in the eye. “I’d like you to fuck me.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want to pressure you into anything you are not ready for. You know that, right?” Louis asked with soft tone, and Harry’s heart was fluttering with all the love he was feeling towards the man.

“I know that. Just like I know I want you to. I love you, Lou. I want you to be my first.” Harry swallowed the words that he wanted Louis to be his last too. There was a momentary glint of something unknown in Louis’ gaze before he smiled again, but still it managed to leave a trace of insecurity in Harry’s mind. But as soon as Louis kissed him softly, and said back those three beautiful words, Harry was the happiest man on Earth again. He wouldn’t let anything ruin this moment for him. Especially not some meaningless flicker of doubt bouncing off the walls in his mind.

”Ok, love. Give me minute, I’ll be right back.” Louis said planting a small kiss on Harry’s lips before started to rummage through the drawer in the corner of the living room. Assumingly he found what he had been looking for and wrapped them in a pouch he made with the hem of his shirt. He walked to the bedroom and Harry couldn’t help but stare at him from behind. His T-shirt was now clinging tightly against his back revealing his small waist and delicious bum. Harry couldn’t wait to press his fingers into the flesh of it.

While Louis was gone Harry made a brief trip to the bathroom. He had showered at home but wanted to double check and lightly wash the most important parts. This was a big thing for him and he wanted everything to be perfect.

Harry was nervously pacing between the kitchen and living room when Louis returned. He walked straight to Harry and stopped him in his tracks. He wrapped his arms around him and just held him until Harry was settled down and started to smile again.

”We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. You’re allowed to change your mind whenever you want. Just tell me, okay?.” Louis hooked his fingers under Harry’s chin and forced him to meet his eyes.

”I know, but I want this. I’m just little bit nervous, that’s all.” Harry leaned to press his lips on Louis’. They kept kissing in the middle of living room, just holding each other until Louis caught Harry’s hand and pulled him in tow to the bedroom.

”Oh!” Harry breathed when he entered the room. Louis had pulled the curtains closed, and the now dark room was filled with candles that Louis had scattered all around. It was perfect and made Harry’s romantic heart fill with warmth. He couldn’t have hoped for a better aesthetic for tonight.

Louis walked them to the bed and sat down, pulling Harry down next to him. He didn’t say anything, just cupped the back of Harry’s head and let his thumbs caress his cheeks. Louis gazed at him so lovingly it was almost too much to bear. Harry was the first one to give up and pressed his lips to Louis’. He leaned in and slipped his tongue into Harry’s mouth searching and licking for reciprocation.

They kept kissing until they were laying on the bed, Louis on top of Harry, both panting breathlessly.

“Clothes off, Lou. I need clothes off now. Please.” Harry breathed already tearing Louis’ t-shirt up.

“Yeah, yeah.” Louis replied with an impatient tone to his voice. It didn’t take long before they were both undressed on the bed, their fattened dicks colliding between their naked bodies.

This is it, Harry thought. He had seen Louis without clothes on countless times before, but this time it felt different. He wanted to see and remember every precious moment. He wanted to feel the smooth skin of Louis’ back under his fingertips as he roamed them down along his back, underneath the hem of his shirt, and tenderly traced them up and down. Their eyes were locked, and mouths had sealed again into another hungry kiss.

“How do you want it?” Louis whispered into Harry’s mouth.

“I want to see you.”

“Ok, yeah, ok.” Louis pulled back a little and immediately every cell in Harry’s body protested the lost contact despite Louis being just a couple of inches away than he was a second ago. He reached to get the small bottle of lube from the night stand and hastily dropped it next to his knee on the bed. He let the flat of his palm slide down Harry’s heaving chest slowly until it met with Harry’s hardened cock. His dainty fingers wrapped tightly around it making Harry hiss from the new delicious contact.

“Shit.” Harry cursed when Louis gave few slow tugs spreading the already leaking precum over his shaft. Louis’ hand felt so good and made Harry’s toes curl against the sheets. As fast as the hand had appeared on his dick, it also disappeared. Harry almost mewled with disappointment from the abrupt removal but before he managed to do it, Louis’ hand travelled even farther south, fingers slipping with feather light touch over his balls until they reached his waiting entrance.

Louis let his slightly wet finger hover around it a few times before he pressed it flat against it. He pressed it lightly, letting Harry adapt to the new sensation. All the while, Louis kept his eyes focused on Harry and his reaction, observing his expression to see if he should to carry on.

“Louis—” Harry whined. “I want it in, I want your fingers in.”

“Ok.” Louis nodded, and Harry took a deep breath when he heard Louis click the lube bottle open.

“Babe, spread your legs for me a little bit more.” Louis asked slipping his fingers between his cheeks again. He leaned down to take Harry’s cockhead into his mouth, while at the same time he nudged the first digit through the ring of muscle.

”Unghhh!” Harry let out involuntary cry. It didn’t hurt as much he had thought, but for sure it felt unpleasant. Louis stilled his movement to give Harry time to adjust to the new feeling. All the time he kept sucking Harry off until he asked for Louis to start moving his fingers again.

Louis started to slowly twist them while his mouth continued to work on Harry’s leaking dick. He was opening Harry with an agonisingly slow speed and the feeling was starting to change to something more enjoyable for Harry and when his finger finally brushed over the sensitive nub Harry let out a shout while his back arched from the unexpected pleasure.

”Sorry.” Harry croaked when Louis gagged on his dick when it hit the roof of his mouth rapidly. He didn’t stop, just kept firmly tapping his spot and sucking his cock. It was feeling way too good and Harry already felt the familiar heat as it pooled in his lower belly.

”I’m close—” He gasped and Louis pulled his mouth away from Harry’s cock leaving the need to come behind him. Harry ached to be touched and simultaneously he tried not to come too fast. He wanted to come from Louis’ dick, not his hand or mouth. Not that it wouldn’t be enjoyable too, but tonight he wanted Louis’ cock in his arse. Even the thought of it seemed to be too much and Harry reached his hand down to squeeze base of his dick to ease the mounting pressure.

Louis removed his finger and looked at Harry, asking if he was ready for another finger. Harry just nodded and watched when Louis added some more lube and soon after pushed two digits in. The emptiness he had felt when Louis’ fingers were gone was filled again, and even more this time. Harry swallowed closing his eyes briefly as he tried to adjust to the feeling.

It was a bit easier with the second finger and soon Louis was back curling, rolling and scissoring in Harry’s hole, giving him incremental waves of pleasure. During his skilful hand work, Louis added his middle finger below his index and ring finger, and stuffed them in Harry’s tight pink hole up to his knuckles. Harry was gripping the sheets moaning when the heat in his belly was getting almost unbearable. He needed to come and he needed to come soon.

“I need to come. I want you inside me, Lou.” He begged with desperate voice.

“Yeah. I think you’re as ready as you’re gonna be.” Louis nodded and pulled his fingers out. He wiped them off on the sheet and stretched to the right to pick up the the condom and lube off the edge of the bed . Harry was watching him, unblinking, and licking his lips when Louis tore the package open with his teeth and rolled the rubber down his dick. He took the lube and coated his length generously with it. Harry’s nervousness had returned and made him stiffen again.

“Try to relax, babe. I know you’re nervous, but I’ll try to be as gentle as I can. And like I said earlier, you can always tell me to stop if you want to. No matter what, okay?” Louis urged, searching Harry’s face for comprehension.  When he was satisfied that Harry had heard him, he aligned himself between Harry’s legs, and pressed the tip of his dick against Harry’s entrance.

“Are you ready, love?” Louis pressed his arms next to Harry’s head and kissed him soothingly while his hips nudged forward in small increments causing his cock to teasingly touch Harry’s opening with every roll. After he got permission from Harry, Louis pushed Harry’s legs up slightly towards his chest to give himself more room to enter. When he was satisfied, Louis finally started to push in.

Harry had expected it to hurt, but he never thought it would hurt this much. His eyes were brimming with tears when Louis’ cock passed through his still slightly resistant circle of muscle. When his head popped in, Louis stopped to give him time to adjust. He tenderly kissed Harry’s lips and swiped away the tears on the cheeks with his thumbs. As time passed by, the tightness started to ease and Louis slowly slid all the way in before stopping again.

Harry felt as though he was about to split in half at any second, he felt so full. He bit his lip to stop from screaming at the intrusion. But time was his friend again, as the pressure eased off and his body adjusted to the stretch. Louis kept kissing him and he slipped his hand between their bodies to give Harry’s cock little tugs, making him moan.

“Move.” Harry panted after a few strokes and rolled his own hips upwards, tentatively. The ring of fire was still there, but with every small thrust it eased little by little until it started to turn into another kind of fire.

Their bodies were getting sweatier as the pace increased. The once uncomfortable feeling was replaced with the incipient pleasure. When Louis eventually hit Harry’s prostate with his cock for the first time, Harry screamed blissfully, and it started to feel like it was meant to be. The dull pain was still there but it was stomped out by the relentless hits straight to his spot.

Harry’s head was tilted backwards, mouth hanging open, and only tiny whimpers coming out. He bent his legs up even more to give Louis better access while his own nails were scraping down Louis’ back and attempting to pull him closer. His dick was getting delicious friction with every move. He suddenly felt a massive pressure in his groin and heat in his belly, he held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut before he realized he was coming all over his belly and groaned loudly. It wasn’t more than couple of thrusts later when Louis first stilled for a second and then the waves of pleasure were shaking him too as he shot his load into the condom while still deep inside Harry.

When the aftershocks had eased Louis pulled out gently, tied the condom and dropped it on the floor. He laid down next to Harry and kissed the now happy tears away from his face. They cuddled and kissed lazily until they both got too sleepy.

“I love you.” Harry mumble against Louis’ neck just before he was drifting asleep.

“I love you, too.” Louis whispered back, and Harry had never felt happier in his entire life.

***

Two weeks after they had slept together, Harry brought Louis to meet his parents for the first time. Or in this case, his mum. His dad was unsurprisingly working in the garage, but Harry was so used to it, so it really didn’t even bother him anymore. He had been present when Harry had come out to his parents, and his behaviour had been nothing but supportive. Harry had expected he would have been more shocked, but his attitude had been a pleasant surprise.

Their meet-the-parents Sunday lunch had turned to meet mum and brother at lunch instead. They had been talking in the living room for a while before Anne went to the kitchen to finish the lunch preparations and Harry stayed with Louis in the living room. It wasn’t more than ten minutes later when they heard someone at the front door, and the said person was already stepping in the house.

”Mum!” He shouted from the entrance. When Anne replied to him from the kitchen he walked past the living room door, straight to meet their mother.

”What the fuck is he doing here?” Harry asked mainly for himself when he had witnessed the familiar frame passing the door.

”Who?” Louis looked at him questioning.

”Zayn.” Harry replied still staring the empty doorway.

”Zayn?” Louis’ voice was barely a whisper.

”Yeah, my brother. I’ve told you about him. Haven’t I?” Harry frowned at Louis who looked like he had just seen a ghost.

”Mmm, yeah.” Louis swallowed visible. ”I just think you’ve never mentioned his name before?”

”I haven’t? It wasn’t on purpose. You sure?” Was it really possible he had never mentioned Zayn’s name before. It sounded weird that he hadn’t.

”I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that name!” Louis snapped back at Harry.

”Is there something wrong? Why are you so fucking irritated?” Harry asked slightly worrying, but at the same time annoyed. This wasn’t Louis’ normal behaviour.

”I’m not—” Louis started but was interrupted by Zayn who was suddenly standing on the doorway. He leaned on the frame arms crossed on his chest and stared at the pair sitting on the sofa.

”Well, well, well.” He smirked. ”A little bird in the kitchen told me that my baby brother has his boyfriend visiting here. Congrats, bro. He seems quite a catch.” Zayn said keeping his eyes tightly on Louis even though he was aiming his words to Harry.

”Yeah and keep your hands off him.” Harry warned him, and Zayn just laughed out loud. Why he even said that to Zayn, Harry didn’t know. It had just slipped out of his mouth before he realised what he was saying.

”Aren’t you gonna introduce us?” He asked keeping his gaze still on Louis. Zayn stepped closer stretching his hand. ”I’m Zayn.”

”Louis.” Louis croaked without looking at him properly. And what the hell was wrong with him anyway? He looked like a deer caught in the headlights, ready to run away any second now.

”Nice to meet you.” Zayn finally said and let his hand go after holding it way too long if you asked Harry. Louis rubbed his clammy looking palm against his jeans as if he was trying to get rid of Zayn’s touch, and Harry couldn’t help but to pat his thigh. Not that he was jealous or anything, he just wanted to do so.

Obviously.

Zayn sat on the chair next to them and started to ask big brotherly questions about how they had met, and so on. Harry answered but Louis was mainly quiet and absent-minded, not at all the bubbly person he used to be. And had been before Zayn had arrived. It was weird, but Harry didn’t have time to think about it too much when Anne called him from the kitchen to give her a hand for a moment.

Of course, Harry went when he was asked, especially by his mum. When Louis realised he was going to be left alone with Zayn there was almost panic in his eyes. Like Harry said once before. It was weird.

Harry helped Anne finish up the cooking and set the table. Then she sent him to get Louis and Zayn to eat. When Harry arrived at the entrance of the living room he saw the men sitting on the sofa very close and Zayn was just whispering something into Louis’ ear making him blush. It was like he had interrupted a very intimate moment and he was intruding on this scene between his boyfriend and brother. Not the other way around.

Harry saw Louis swallow thickly when he finally noticed Harry standing near them, but quickly got up from the couch and walked to Harry with a forced smile plastered on his face. He caught Harry’s hand and squeezed it lightly. It felt almost like a theatrical act as opposed to the organic way he had in the past.

Who was he trying to convince?

The rest of the lunch went well after all. Louis was able to relax as time passed by, and Zayn stopped being the annoying big brother, leaving Louis and Harry alone from questions that bordered on too intimidating. But still, the interaction between Louis and Zayn was something that left a mark in Harry’s mind.

***

“Ok. Yeah. I understand.” Harry tried to swallow his disappointment, not letting it be heard in his voice. “I’ll see you later then. Love you. Bye.”

Harry put the phone down on the bed next to him. He took the water bottle from the night table and twisted the cap open. He tried to concentrate on drinking the water instead of crying. He didn’t want to cry, he was supposed to be a grown up, for fuck’s sake. Not someone who couldn’t bear if their boyfriend had to cancel their plans for later that night with just a couple of hours notice.

But still, it wasn’t fair. Especially, when this wasn’t first time it had happened, Louis cancelling their plans at the last minute. He had to go to work, Harry tried to remind himself. But deep inside, Harry wasn’t sure if he believed Louis’ story. It wasn’t only what he said, it was also how he had said it. Louis had mumbled vague words into the phone, instead of his usual loud voice. And Harry was quite sure he had been in a car at that very moment. The point was, Louis didn’t have a car. But why would he lie, there was no reason for that. They had no secrets between them.

_Zayn_ , a small voice in Harry’s head whispered. He _did_ lie you about Zayn, don’t you remember?

Well, at least Harry was quite sure Louis had lied after their lunch at his mum’s when he had asked if Louis had met Zayn before and he had denied they had ever met. But there must have been a reason why Louis behaved the way he did when Zayn showed up for lunch.

But Louis had just laughed at how cute Harry was when he was jealous and kissed his doubts away the way only Louis could do. Weeks had went by in the ‘Happy Little Bubble’ Harry had built around them. Nothing could come between them, not even his sometimes suspicious mind. Harry decided it wouldn’t happen this time either.

Instead of worrying over nothing, Harry texted Liam to ask if he wanted to spend some time with him. It didn’t take longer than five minutes for Liam to reply.

“On my way to the woods. Join me there?” the text read. So, Liam had weed, Harry deduced inwardly. Their childhood playground was the place where they usually went to smoke. Perhaps it was something Harry needed right now too. Just a little bit of relaxation to get Louis out of his mind for a moment.

Harry quickly changed into something more suitable for sitting on the log in the forest, and soon after he was cycling towards his destination. Liam was already waiting for him there, carefully rolling the joints in his lap. Harry looked around and sat on the stump across from where Liam was perched.

A couple of years ago the three of them had brought some old camping chairs with them and hidden them between two big rocks, but later that summer they had disappeared. It wasn’t a big loss financially, but it had felt intimidating when someone had invaded their secret spot.   

Liam lit one of the joints, taking a long drag from it and then handed it to Harry who did the same. They smoked the first one in comfortable silence. It wasn’t something unfamiliar to them. Liam had always been the quiet one in their gang. He wasn’t shy, more like an observer, never wanting to stand out too much. But he was an important part of their group. Niall never shut up and Harry was somewhere in the middle. They had the perfect balance between them. Liam was the rock they always leaned on; kind, trustful and always ready to listen no matter what. He was the friend everyone hoped they’d had, but not everyone was as lucky as Harry and Niall were.

“We should do this more often.” Liam said suddenly, rousing Harry from his thoughts.

“Yeah, definitely.” Harry nodded briskly. The movement made his curls fall over his eyes and Harry giggled from the tickle they caused. His own voice sounded weird and tinny when he spoke, and it made him laugh even louder.

“And maybe we should ask Niall to come with us, too.” Liam continued lifting new joint on his lips.

“Yeah. Yeah.” Harry agreed. “I just have to check my iCal to see what plans I had made with Louis first.”

“Yeah. Louis. Of course...” Liam replied staring into the distance, and the thin cloud of smoke surrounding him making him look so ethereal, and maybe sad in a weird way? He bit his lip like he was about to say something, but instead he just took another drag and passed the joint to Harry right after.

But Harry didn’t have time to think about it too much. Liam had said the magic word “Louis” and words just started to pour out of his mouth. Louis this, Louis that. Louis, Louis, Louis. But he was the centre of Harry’s life and smoking weed always made Harry chatty. So Harry talked, and Liam listened. He just quietly smiled at Harry’s stories and let him speak.

Harry was so lucky. Friends like Liam were the best.

They really were.

***

But then came July, and the day Harry would never forget as long he would live. He wishes he could, but it’s never going to happen.

It was Tuesday morning and Harry was home alone. He had just woken up and was having breakfast when he heard someone open the front door and stepp in.

“Mum…?” He shouted and wondered what she was doing home this time of day. She should be at work. He was sure it wasn’t his dad, he was never home anyway, so why now.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Harry asked stunned when Zayn entered kitchen. He rarely visited unannounced, and never this early in the morning.

_Never_.

“Hi, kiddo.” Zayn tried to smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. There was something going on, and Harry wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. Not after seeing how serious Zayn looked.

“What are you doing here?” Harry repeated and pushed his half-eaten plate away. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling hungry at all. Fear was starting to strangle his throat.

“You’re scaring me, Zayn. What the hell is going on?” Harry almost yelled when Zayn was still standing awkwardly, quiet staring the floor. When he finally raised his head and Harry saw his eyes properly, he felt the lump in his throat grow so big he couldn’t breathe.

“TELL ME!!!” Harry cried. “Is it mum? Or dad? Has something happened to them?”

“Harry…” Zayn said after a pause that seemed last eternity. “No, it’s not them. Harry, it’s Liam.”

“What about Liam?” Harry’s voice wasn’t louder than a whisper.

“He—” Zayn stepped closer reaching Harry’s hand. If he hadn’t felt something was very wrong this gesture raised all the alarm levels to the max. “Harry, Liam is dead.”

“What—?”

“I’m so sorry, Harry. But Liam is dead.” Zayn said somewhere in the distance and Harry’s head was spinning. He must have heard it wrong.

Because, _no_.

“No, he’s not! Stop lying. This isn’t funny at all.” Harry said icily.

“I wish I was lying, I really wish. But unfortunately, it’s true.” Zayn said softly.

“No.”   

“Harry.” Zayn grabbed his shoulders and hold tight. When Harry finally took a look at Zayn and saw his eyes, he just knew. He knew Zayn was telling the truth. The horrible truth.

What remained was a defeating silence behind the words, and then everything seemed to go blank. He had heard the words, but they just didn’t make any sense. He had just hung out with him on Sunday, and they were supposed to meet up today.

And now Zayn was telling him he was dead?

“How…?” Was the only thing Harry managed to put in words. Wind chimes where clanking together outside but right now the jingle felt like the bells of doom.

“It looks like it was a suicide, Harry. They think he killed himself.” Zayn finally said barely able to meet Harry’s eyes.

“No. Nonono.” Harry shook his head fingers pressing onto his skull. He couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t happening. He needed to wake up and make this nightmare stop. Because no. Liam, sweet lovely Liam, would never kill himself. Never. It just couldn’t happen.

_No._

“You’re lying. He wouldn’t do it.” Harry whispered. His eyes were burning and something wet was dripping on his t-shirt. He wiped his cheek and realised it was damp with tears. He hadn’t even noticed he had started to cry.

He didn’t even feel he was crying. Water just kept dripping from the corners of his eyes and there was nothing he could do to stop it. And his mind still hadn’t even digested the words. They were just hanging in the air, dark and heavy. It all was so surreal and unbelievable; that something like that that could even happen here. Not to Liam, nor anyone he knew either.

”I gotta go.” Harry jumped off the stool he hadn’t realised he had been sitting on the first place. ”I have to go to see Niall.”

”K.” Zayn said knowing there was no point try to stop him. “Do you need a lift? I can take you.” He offered instead, but Harry just shook his head.

“I’ll take the car.” Harry said and he rushed upstairs to change his clothes. He grabbed the first shirt and pair of jeans he could reach with his hands, not even bothering to take a look at the mirror. It didn’t matter. Nothing did. Except seeing Niall as soon as possible.

Zayn was still standing in the hallway when Harry ran back downstairs and muttered ‘see you later’’ to him while passing by. Zayn gripped lightly Harry from the shoulder and stopped him asking “Are you alright, kiddo?”

“What do you think?” Harry retorted and shook Zayn’s hand off. “My best friend is dead, of fucking course I’m not alright.”

“Sorry. If you need anything, just give me a call. K?” Zayn sighed, and Harry tried to nod him briefly while rushing out of the door.

It wasn’t long before Harry was already in front of Niall’s house. The door to the shed was ajar, and without taking another thought, Harry walked straight in. Just one look towards Niall sitting on a worn-out sofa was enough proof, he already knew. His face was blotched, and his eyes were the most pained he had ever seen them. Not even his own accident had brought forth the same effect.

Harry didn’t hesitate, he flung himself against Niall, wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy’s thin frame. They stayed there for god knows how long, just absorbing the comfort from one another. They didn’t speak, not that there would even be any words to say. All of them seemed so meaningless and empty.

It was just two of them at first, but one by one their friends started to arrive when the news reached them. At some point Louis came too, Harry didn’t even think to ask him how he knew. He was just so relieved Louis was there with him.

It was an exhausting day. The more people came, the more they talked. Naturally about Liam. How he had been such a wonderful person. Always friendly and helpful. Someone everybody liked.

But why had nobody been there for him when he clearly needed it? Why hadn’t Harry been there? Liam was his best friend, and he hadn’t done anything to help him. He even didn’t know he had needed help.

How horrible a friend had he been if the moment he learned about how big his problems were, was when he already was dead and too late to do anything?

How could Harry ever live with the fact that his best friend had been so desperate that he hadn’t seen any other solution than to kill himself?

The thought of Liam being dead was the most painful thing Harry had ever felt. People always said, the pain would ease over time. Maybe they were right, who knew. But already now, Harry was able to say, the agonizing guilt he felt, would never leave him.

Not while he was still alive on this earth.

***

The next week or so went by in a blur. He mainly spent his time with Niall, sometimes their other friends tagged along. Louis was there too from time to time, but Harry thought being with Niall was his first priority and Louis seemed to understand that. Harry hoped it wasn’t just words, hopefully he really saw Harry’s point and what he needed to do to cope.

That day wasn’t anything different than the previous ones. Harry plucked his guitar quietly on the familiar sofa, Niall laying next to him with a bottle of beer in his hand. He was already getting drunk fast, and it wasn’t the first time.

Since he had come home from the rehabilitation centre, alcohol had been a trustworthy friend to him. Not in a good way though. Harry had only just noticed Niall’s dependency on alcohol and it gave him chills. Was he really so bloody selfish and blind that he couldn’t see the problems his friends had before it was too late?

Had he been too wrapped up in his own perfect little world with Louis that he had lost all touch with reality?

Harry closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. Once the funeral was over he would have a proper talk with Niall. At the moment it all felt like navigating through a dark cloud and it was taking all his strength to get through it. The funeral—

”Have you heard when the funeral is?” Harry asked knitting his brows.

”What funeral?” Niall asked gulping down the rest of his beer and reached over to the mini fridge to take new one.

”Liam’s funeral…” Harry said cautiously. ”You remember he’s— dead?”

”Of course, I do!” Niall snarled. ”I don’t remember if I had a shit ten minutes ago but I do remember Liam being dead for every fucking second. Don’t worry about that. My memory can make excellent choices with the things it wants me to remember.” Niall laughed bitterly, and Harry didn’t know how to respond. It was so damn sad that he couldn’t even talk to his best friend anymore. Hot tears were burning behind his eyelids but he couldn’t let Niall to see them. He had enough troubles on his shoulders without Harry causing any more.

”Yeah, sorry.” Was the only thing Harry managed to say. ”I think I’ll go to Liam’s to ask his parents about the funeral. See if we could get a date and place. Want to come with me?”

”Nah. You go. I’ll be here. Or might just pop to the pub for a pint.” Niall answered, and Harry let out a sigh of relief. It was better this way, as horrible it was to think about his friend that way.

”I’ll ring you later. Ok?” Harry called out from the door and Niall nodded in response. There would probably be a text within half an hour asking where he was but he was getting used to it.

Well, not really, but did he really have a choice?

A good five minutes later Harry was already ringing the doorbell at Liam’s house. First it looked like no one was going to open the door, but suddenly it was pulled open with such a force it made Harry jump lightly.

”What the hell are you doing here?” James, Liam’s older brother asked angrily.

”I— I just came to ask about the funeral—.” Harry stuttered in response to the unexpected reaction.

”Oh.” James laughed at him first before continued with icy voice. ”Do you really think would be invited there? After all the mess you and your brother have caused? Yeah, think again.”

”What…?” Harry didn’t understand a word James was talking about. And what did Zayn have to do with this? It was his next question to him too.

”Who did you hear about Liam from, then?” James asked in turn.

”Zayn…” Harry frowned.

”Did you ever stop to ask yourself how he knew?” James voice was so furious that Harry wasn’t sure if even wanted to know the answer. He got it anyway.

”The police. That’s how he knew. They paid him a visit after they had found Liam in the woods with a rope around his neck.” Every word turned Harry’s face paler.

But James wasn’t finished yet. ”And now you’re playing innocent, aren’t you?”

”I really don’t know what you are talking about.” Harry whispered.

”Your precious brother was questioned by the Police because apparently he was Liam’s drug dealer!” James yelled.

”No!”

”Oh, yes he was. Liam was high with whatever stuff he had sold him when he decided to kill himself. So maybe now you can understand that we don’t want you or any of your family or friends near the funeral.” Before Harry even had time to open his mouth the door was slammed shut and Harry was left outside, alone.

He just stood there stunned for a moment trying to digest everything he was just told. Was it true? Had Zayn really been dealing Liam some shit over the years? Why didn’t he know anything about it? He had known Liam smoked pot from time to time, they all did. But was he using something else too?

Something he had bought from Zayn?

The astonishment started to fade, and was soon replaced with anger toward Zayn. If he really had done something like that Harry needed to know. And he needed to know now. He jumped into his car and his mind filled with so many questions, he started to drive towards Leeds.

It was long enough of a drive for him to get himself so enraged he would probably punch Zayn when he saw him. He just wanted to shout all the anger out.

When he reached the door and banged on it relentlessly, only stopping when the front door eventually opened.  All the shouts and screams were stuck in his throat and only a choked cry came out. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. All he was able to do was watch as his heart broke into millions of pieces and fell on the steps in front of him.

And in front of a half naked Louis.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a suicide mentioned in the tags and this is the chapter where it takes place. Because it is integral to the plot, it will be mentioned a few times throughout the fic, too. There is no graphic description of it, just briefly how and where. 
> 
> Many countries have suicide crisis lines where to call to get help if you, or your loved one, have struggled with suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, or thoughts/feelings of hurting yourself in any way. Please, seek help. You’re not alone.


	5. Chapter 5

[ ALMA - Karma ](https://youtu.be/-IxvrFDM_SM)

Chapter 5

Harry

 

_“I should have known from the start_  
_You play reckless with my heart_  
_And now you wanna say goodbye_  
_So I'm gonna let you go_  
_You still gonna pay for though”_

_***_

 

_August 2010_

 

The bell above the door chimed as the new customer walked into the shop. Harry raised his head and greeted the guy with a brief nod.

”Just let me know if you need any help.” He added as any good sales associate would. It’s likely the lad even didn’t hear anything Harry said to him, considering Harry could hear the beats of the bass beyond his headphones. The guy nodded back politely anyway before he started to flick through the pile of some 60’s vinyl.

Harry sighed and turned to the box of records he was sorting in front of him. He took the next one out and checked it out. With the certainty of ten months working experience, he catalogued it on to the computer, put the price tag on and placed it on the pile on the counter waiting to be shelved later. It wasn’t exactly a dream job, but it was a job nonetheless.

Monday morning had been slow as usual. After the headphone dude left, the shop was empty again like it had been last hour or two, giving Harry time to organise the shop after a few busy days. It was always the same. Camden markets drew people into the area on weekends, but weekdays were quiet. The shop saw a few regular clients every now and then, and occasionally a tourist might pay a visit when passing by. Otherwise it was just Harry in the shop all alone. Which wasn’t bad option either. Maybe for the business it was, but it wasn’t his concern after all.

The vinyls he had been going through had been on their racks for a long time now. Harry had just finished cleaning the cd section and went to arrange the T-shirts when the bell chimed again, startling him from the daze he had fallen into. This time instead of a customer, it was his boss Nick, who stepped in to the shop.

”Morning, Harry!” He greeted despite the fact that it was already three o’clock in the afternoon. For him, however, it probably still felt like it was the morning.

Nick wasn’t a morning person by any measure. That’s why Harry mainly opened the shop every morning, and Nick would close it later. It was their usual order. A couple days of the week there was part time worker who would replace Harry on his days off unless Nick surprised everyone and decided to do a morning shift on those days. It had probably happened once or twice, but it was definitely something no one should place bets on.

Nick was tall, at least two inches taller than Harry. It could be more but it was probably his high quiff that caused an optical illusion. Now the said do’ looked somewhat mushed like he had slept under a rock last night. Although the most likely option was, under someone. The scent oozing from him strongly suggested a boozy night out even if his outfit didn’t.

A faded band T-shirt and a pair of even more faded, once-black jeans, were his usual uniform be it day or night. His clothes pointed strongly toward bars selling cheap beer for patrons, but they couldn’t be more misleading. No, Nick’s hangouts were held at the trendiest nightclubs in London and he was always welcomed to those, no matter what he was wearing. _The advantages of being rich_ , Harry thought inwardly.

”Morning, Nick!” He greeted aloud instead.

”Do you have any plans for tonight? You have your day off tomorrow, don’t you?” Nick asked without any small talk.

”Yep, day off tomorrow.” Harry confirmed and wondered where this sudden interest of his doing was leading to.

”Any plans?” Nick repeated demandingly.

”Not really.” Harry shrugged. He rarely ever had plans unless he had managed to get himself a gig. Or should he say instead, a slot to perform his music in the drafty corner of some pub.

”Alright, it’s settled then. You’re coming with us. One of my friends is having a party, and a fit guy like you, is always welcome there.” Nick informed him while taking out a pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out and placed it between two rows of well-formed teeth. His hand was fumbling for the lighter from his pocket before he remembered he was already inside the shop. He sighed loudly and put the fag behind his ear to wait for a better moment. Which probably would be in the backroom within ten minutes.

”I guess so.” Harry said resigned. He knew Nick and once he had decided something, it was usually useless to fight against it. Not that this time there was even a need to. A quick shag would be a nice ending to the night, in fact Harry wouldn’t mind that at all. Not with Nick though, he’s never been for want in that department. For someone as fit as Harry, finding some random bloke to fuck was as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. He could even bang Nick, if he had wanted.

But he really didn’t.

Nick was his friend, perhaps the only friend here in London and he wouldn’t jeopardise it for the heat of the moment. He wasn’t like some _others_. A sharp pain in his chest appeared along with the thought, and just as quickly he pushed it away. It was all in the past, and it would also stay there if Harry had anything to do with it.

”I’ll text you the details.” Harry jumped slightly from Nick’s voice, almost like he had already forgotten he was still in the room.

Harry nodded briefly and watched him disappear into the backroom. One hour to go, he thought after checking the time from his phone and returned back to the t-shirts starting to straighten the samples.

***

Nick came to relieve him by the time his shift was coming to a close. Harry gave him a short briefing on what he had done and what Nick was supposed to do later. If he would do it before he closed up, it was anyone’s guess. Sometimes it happened, most of the time it didn’t. It was his shop after all, so Harry didn’t bother complaining too much about it.

And after all, he had so many reasons to be grateful for Nick that any minor flaws his employer might have, he could easily downplay. Nick had given him a job when he had needed it most, without any references, just after talking to him for half an hour in the local pub. It was something Harry would never forget. If people were loyal to him, so was he to them.

But if he felt betrayed… Well then, things changed.

Fifteen minutes later Harry was already climbing the stairs up to his first floor flat. Or rather it was just a room, a fairly big one though. With stark white walls and ceiling, and a pale coloured cheap linoleum floor bubbling near the corners, it looked like a big white cube, all sterile and soulless.

Certainly, it didn’t feel like a home.

It was a place to live, but on any other level Harry wasn’t attached to it. A queen size bed was on the other side of the room and beside it sat a narrow desk with chair. There was a small closet on the opposite side of the room, and a kitchenette near the only window in the room. The only colourful thing in the room were the green and yellow patterned curtains hanging in the front of the window, and even his bedding was white. Harry hadn’t bothered to lay down a rug on the floor. Maybe he should consider getting one for the next winter, the floor can get bloody cold from time to time. He still would have some weeks left before the weather would take a turn to distinctly colder. He could pay a trip to Ikea and perhaps buy something to brighten up the room a little bit at the same time.

At the moment, the only visible personal things were his clothes, two guitars on their racks and couple of boxes of vinyls and books beside the closet. It was all he had packed into his car when he had left Manchester, a week after his world had collapsed for the second time in a short period of time.  

He had tried, he really had.

He had wanted to stay there for Niall, and for his mum too. But it all had been too much to bear. Everything around him had been so full of memories, what was once good were now too painful. Even his room had changed from the place of his own to something that was suffocating him minute by minute. It reminded him all the time of its previous inhabitant, and that had probably been the straw that broke the camel’s back and made him leave. Not that everything else hadn’t been enough.

His mum had tried to talk him out of it, preaching of the importance of education and family. She had constantly attempted to get Harry talk to Zayn saying there must have been things Harry didn’t know.

Well, yeah. There definitely had been secrets, and to be honest, Harry didn’t want to know any other secrets his former brother might be hiding up his sleeve. Stealing his boyfriend and being a part of his best friend’s death was already enough.  

Way too much, in fact.

But still Anne had kept insisting, until Harry had snapped and yelled things at her that he wasn’t proud of. But she had chosen a side, and now it was too late to regret it. The last thing he had seen when he drove away had been his mum crying on the street and waving goodbye to him.

It had taken an enormous amount of will power to leave her behind. To just cut her out of his life, with everyone else in his past too. It had been the last time Harry had spoken to her. She had called and texted him, of course, but Harry hadn’t answered.

He couldn’t.

If he had, he would probably be back in Manchester already. It was so much easier just to erase her out of his life, than think about her every day. Harry shoved the emotions out of his mind quickly. If he gave them any space, they would soon swallow him entirely.

To give himself something else to think about, he decided it was a perfect time to go running. He sat on the bed and pulled his jeans off. Nick hadn’t sent anything about tonight yet, but Harry knew he still had plenty of time. He changed into his running gear, T-shirt and shorts would be just fine when was going to be on the move, he thought while tying his trainers. He took his phone and keys from the table and opened the door to the dimly lit hallway.

There were two other doors that opened to the hallway. One to the similar room as Harry’s was, and one in the back to the shared bathroom. It wasn’t anything luxurious, but bearable anyway. Especially for his wallet.

Harry skipped down the stairs and exited onto the quiet street lined with almost identical three storey brick buildings on both sides of the road. The whole area seemed to be sleeping, but only a few blocks away was bustling Camden High Street.

When Harry had arrived in London a year ago, with all of his worldly possessions loaded into his car, he had had no idea where to start looking for a place to live. He had thoroughly searched the internet to find something, but it hadn’t been an easy task in any way to rent a flat without any job or references from previous landlords, what with him being the tender age of nineteen. Not to mention the money he was lacking.

Basically, Harry had been living in his car for weeks before he had finally been lucky. The nights had already started to get colder and his thin sleeping bag was barely keeping him warm during the night time. He had really started to worry how he would survive the wintertime if he wasn’t able to get somewhere to live.

Or a job, for that matter.

His savings were decreasing day by day, even if he was spending as little as possible. He had had been able to earn a few quid by busking on the street, but the Police was pretty hasty to evict him off because he didn’t have the permits to do so in Camden.

But before he got the job, he had managed to find a place to live. It was already halfway through September when he had called his current landlady about the room she was renting, and convinced her to give him a chance. It had felt like a miracle when she had promised to meet Harry in person. In that moment, Harry knew he had a chance.

He had always been a natural charmer but lately he had to learn how to use it to get what he needed. And this particular time it rewarded him with a room to live. A little harmless flirting didn’t hurt anyone, his landlady was delighted to get attention from Harry and he was happy when he was able to leave with a newly signed lease in his pocket.

Would he had gone further to get the lease? Probably yes. Although he was relieved he didn’t have to sleep with her. In the long run, it might have been a burden Harry didn’t want to have. He had enough weight on his shoulders.

Harry’s feet were already tapping against the gravel along the path in Regent’s Park. Music was streaming in his earbuds, but his thoughts were going back to his early days in London. It seemed pointless to try to shoo them away, they weren’t painful ones. But they still reminded him about why had moved to London in the first place. That was the main reason he didn’t think about it too much. If Harry hadn’t been so emotionally drained during the time he might have seen it as more of an adventure. But back then he really didn’t have options.

It was what it was.

One night after a useless day of job-hunting Harry had been sitting in a seedy pub that should have been shut down a long time ago. It was just one block away from all the hustle and bustle of the main street but still there were only handful of customers sitting around the tables. Harry had been able to perform there a few times and in exchange he had been able to get a warm meal and beer. It was all better than nothing after almost all of his savings had gone toward the deposit for his room rental.

That time Harry had been unsuccessful with the next slot time, but the owner had given him a beer with two quid. Harry had been staring at the last drops of his drink when someone had sat across the table from him and pushed a fresh pint next to his empty one. Harry had raised his gaze and that had been the first time he had seen Nick Grimshaw.

Nick didn’t say anything for a moment, just took a big sip from his own pint, letting Harry observe him with a slightly confused expression on his face. Why would anyone buy a beer for a stranger if there wasn’t a catch? After a while, Nick had stretched his hand and introduced himself.

”Harry. Harry Styles.” Harry had replied briefly, still being suspicious. If anything, he had learned never trust people. No matter how friendly or honest they seemed.

But still somehow Nick had convinced him with his smooth talk and big toothy smile. They had been talking about music and life in general, nothing too deep though. But for the first time in weeks Harry had felt safe, if that was the right word to describe it. He didn’t feel he was alone in this big city. He had someone who he could see himself someday call a friend.

Nick had looked like he usually looks and had fit into the pub perfectly. When out of the blue he asked if Harry wanted to come to work in his record shop just around the corner, Harry had thought he was joking. Nick was able to see it on his face and just asked Harry to drop by the next day. After giving an address he had disappeared as quickly as he appeared leaving behind a very stunned Harry.

Of course, Harry had gone there. He had googled the address and noticed there was actually a record shop located at that address. Still, he wasn’t convinced it wasn’t a scam but at the same time, he had nothing to lose.

It had turned out the shop was very real, and so was his new job. Harry showing up there had been enough of an interview for Nick. A handshake and the job was officially his.

Working with Nick had been as effortless as getting the job in the first place. He was easy-going and had a similar sense of humour as Harry. Perhaps Nick wasn’t about to win employer of the year any time soon, but he was still a good boss. Harry didn’t mind if he had to take care of some of Nick’s tasks in the shop when it helped him stay busy and distract him enough from his own thoughts.

It had taken a few weeks for Harry to realise Nick was loaded. Like really, really loaded. Nick had asked Harry one night to join him and his friends for a drink. Harry had, of course, thought they would go to a pub because it was where he had met Nick in the first place.

But no. They had spent the night in one of the trendiest clubs in London with the creme de la creme of London society. Nick knew everybody, and everyone knew him. He was the celebrity among the celebrities, but he never bragged about his wealth. He used it like it was growing on trees but never judged anyone by how much money they had, or in Harry’s case, lacked. Everyone was an equal, it was the person’s character that mattered to him.

However, the best part about Nick was he didn’t ask questions. Harry had given him only short answers when the subject of family came up and credit to Nick, he didn’t try to pry anything more out of Harry. It was months later when their relationship had already deepened into a real friendship, when Harry after drinking way too many glasses of red, had spilled all the beans to Nick. Niall, Liam, Louis… And if his blotched face and reddened eyes had anything to do with it, he might have cried his pain out against Nick’s shoulder. But it had been the one and only time they had spoken about his past and it suited Harry better than well.

A nearby dog barking woke Harry up from his thoughts. He looked around and noticed he was approaching the intersection where he had to decide whether to run one more lap or veer off and go home. The weather today had been pleasant to run in, but two laps around the park had been enough. He slowed down to a light jog when he reached the sidewalk. It was fairly annoying sometimes just trying to walk on the busy areas, let alone run. Like many times before Harry changed his direction towards the narrower lanes and side roads that ran parallel to the main street.

He was almost home when his eyes caught the text sprayed on the wall saying ”Treat People With Kindness”. Yeah, right. He couldn’t help but laugh bitterly. How naïve are some people? The world was too fucking unfair to even consider thinking like that. One day, sooner or later, they would learn their lesson just like everyone else and their own carefully built little Shangri-La would collapse in the blink of an eye. Just like Harry’s had. Poof, and everything had vanished.

Treat people with kindness… The phrase still made him laugh when he got back home and was having a shower. He didn’t let his thoughts go any deeper this time. Instead he just continued to massage shower gel over his body. The apple scented liquid slid smoothly across his wet skin and when his fingers grazed over his sensitive nipples, the sudden sense of pleasure made his cock twitch with need. He let his hand travel south and palmed himself, a low groan escaping from his lips. It felt too good to not keep going.

He wrapped his large hand around his thickening cock and tugged it few times. He let his thumb run over the slit and the frenulum again and again. His moans were getting louder, but he didn’t care. The thought that someone might hear him actually made him even more aroused. Harry pinched his nipples and let his hand move faster and faster over his now fully hard dick. He flattened his left palm against the wall and closed his eyes.

Straight away the mental images started to appear. The flashes of golden skin, caramel fringe and ocean blue eyes. His hand was now jerking his cock at a punishing pace and the memories were flowing into Harry’s mind. There was nothing he could do to stop them from appearing. It was like a flashback from better days that he couldn’t get rid of. He didn’t even want to stop them from coming. It was his secret guilty pleasure in so many regards. He allowed himself these moments of Louis even if it meant he hated himself afterwards. But in the heat of the moment it didn’t matter.

All that mattered was Louis’ dainty hands gripping his waist. His wet mouth around Harry’s cock. Then Louis’ thick cock pumping into Harry’s hole. Again, and again. Deeper. Deeper. Deep— Harry let out a choked scream as he shot his load all over the grey tiled wall, his entire body shaking with the liberating pleasure. He pressed his forehead against the cold tiles until his breathing became steady again. With still hooded eyes, he watched as the water washed the jizz away while his mind was already rebuilding the walls up, keeping Louis out until the next time he needed release.

Moments later, when he walked back to his room he had settled his mind back into the same pleasant emptiness as before. It was the only emotion he was comfortable living with. The only one still allowing him to chase his dreams. When he didn’t have anything else to think about he could focus his all energy into his music.

His only real love.

***

They walked past the queue with Nick leading the group. The bouncer nodded briefly and opened the door without any questions. Nick was well known to all the staff and he didn’t need further introduction.

The music was pumping loudly when they entered the nightclub. It was a medium-sized venue, just big enough not to be too crowded and yet small enough to create an intimate atmosphere. The dance floor was located in the middle of the lowly lit room and it was surrounded by seating areas. The sofas in the VIP lounge area were dark purple and velvety, the tables next to them were littered with bottles of Bollinger and expensive top shelf varieties of liquor. It all felt too blingy to appeal to Harry’s simple taste, but he didn’t complain. They were seated at a huge sectional sofa set with a ‘reserved’ sign placed on the low table next to their seats. Harry had a flute of Champagne in his hand and once the compulsory toasts had been said, he had time to lean back and observe the club patrons gyrating out on the dance floor.

It was all pure glitz and glamour. London’s elite was there so nothing less than the best was expected. The men were handsome and the women were stunning in their designer clothes with perfectly contoured makeup and not a strand of hair out of place. You could smell the money and see it even clearer.

But the glitter quickly faded when he had a proper look around. Upon closer inspection, one could see badly gone plastic surgeries, hidden wedding bands and Cheshire cat smiles. At the table opposite them, in the shadow of Champagne bottles, a young woman was snorting coke and her friend was sitting next to her trying to stop her own bleeding nose. An actor, whose name Harry couldn’t remember right now, was kissing his lover on the dance floor despite being on the cover of last week’s tabloids beaming joy next to his pregnant wife.

This was the place where you were able to see behind the manicured Instagram pictures and happy stories told in trash magazines. It was a reality check and in some twisted way Harry didn’t want to think too far, he was oddly satisfied when he saw the gleaming illusion quickly disappear. All that glitters ain’t gold.

He returned his gaze back to his own party, and saw one of the guys doing lines at the end of the table. Harry knew he could do a rail if he wanted, but he decided to settle on the booze instead. He usually did. The hard drugs really weren’t his cup of tea. He preferred a joint every now and then over the coke or some other shit that would result in his nervous system being messed up for days. He had tried it, but that was pretty much the extent of it.

Harry took another sip and quietly observed how capable Nick was socially. He took care of everyone, no matter how big a party he was with. He took it as his own responsibility that everybody was having good time. Like now, he was leading the conversation, meandering from one topic to another. His skill was also to leave someone alone, if they seemed to need their own time. This time it meant giving Harry his own space and privacy.

His glass of bubbly had long ago changed to Jack and Coke as Harry felt the couch slightly sink next to him and he saw a short, red haired man sitting down beside him. Ed, Harry remembered, a friend of Nick’s. Well who wasn’t, Harry thought. Ed was the owner of this nightclub. In addition to this one, he also owned a couple of music venues in Camden and Harry had seen him few times in the record shop. He had only exchanged a few words with him when they had met previously, nothing much, and that was probably the reason why his opening sentence took Harry by surprise.

”So, Harry. Are you still singing and playing guitar?” Ed asked instead of the usual hello.

”Umm, yeah. Of course.” Harry frowned at the odd question and waited if the following sentence would make it clearer.

”Any plans for Wednesday night?” Ed slurred slightly but took a sip from his drink anyway.

”No, nothing special.” Harry shrugged at the man who was watching him behind his messy ginger fringe. Maybe this actually was leading somewhere. Where? Well, Harry just had to wait and see.

”You know, I own a couple clubs in Camden.” He waited for Harry to process the information and give a small nod before he went on. ”I have live performances every Wednesday, but now one of the acts just backed out at the last minute. Overdose.” He added as the explanation. This definitely was leading to something but Harry didn’t want to get his hopes up. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest while he waited for Ed to continue.

”Nick has always raved about your performances and I trust his taste, both in music and people. Because it’s a pain in the arse to recruit a replacement artist and I was thinking, would you be interested in performing on Wednesday night?” Ed finally said after a pause had felt like eternity.

Harry had never said faster ’yes’ to anything than he said now. He played every day, he had even had few gigs in small, local pubs, but this was on another level of visibility. Ed’s clubs were popular and sometimes even record companies had scouts there. This gig could be make it or break it.

Suddenly, Harry was feeling completely sober and the blood was pumping through his veins furiously. This felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity and Harry had one solid day to prepare and perfect it. Fuck! He had the next day off, so he could spend the day practising, but if he left now he could get the setlist ready tonight. They made an agreement with Ed that Harry would pop round the club the next day and then Ed was already gone as fast as he had appeared just minutes before.

Harry put Ed’s card into his wallet, emptied his drink and rushed to the bathroom. Afterwards when he was washing his hands, he tossed some cold water on his face to calm himself down. He was leaning his hands against the edge of the sink when somebody pushed their groin against Harry’s arse.

”You are so fit.” The guy panted like a dog into Harry’s ear. He was smelled of whiskey and old sweat, rendering Harry nauseous. “I’d love to fuck you.” He continued and squeezed Harry’s bum hard.

”Never gonna happen, mate.” Harry said pushing him away.

”Bitch!” The guy shouted, and Harry couldn’t care less what he thought about him. First, he really wasn’t his type at all. Second, if the guy was looking to shove his dick into someone’s arse, he was barking up the wrong tree. Harry didn’t bottom. Not anymore. He had done it in the past when he had been, or thought he had been, foolish enough to be in love.

And now, love was dead and so was bottom-Harry.

Harry hurried out of the toilets leaving the twat behind. He quickly stopped to tell Nick he was leaving and mentioned something about Ed and the gig. Nick just nodded so maybe he already knew. Knowing Nick, Harry now wondered if it had been his idea in the first place to have Ed ask him to play his club. But right now, Harry’s brain didn’t function enough to go into any details with his friend. All he was able to think about was his setlist.

As soon as he got home, he grabbed his guitar and his notepad, flopping himself on the bed. The only noise in the room was the sound of a pen tapping against the pad nervously while his brain was one big blob. Too much and, at the same time, nothing going on in there. He rested his back against the headboard and closed his eyes to clear his mind. How the hell was he supposed to do this on a such short notice? He was going to shoot himself in the leg by agreeing to play the club. He would fuck it all up and never ever get another opportunity. His legs were jiggling restlessly, and panic was really starting to set in.

To settle his nerves, he did the only thing he could, he started to play. His fingers were strumming the strings easily and he let the music lead him. It seemed to be the right move, and every chord he mastered he felt his confidence return, little by little. He knew this. He knew how to get beautiful sounds to emit from his guitar. This was something he had spent countless hours doing with Niall and Liam since they were kids. Usually the thought of his best friends made his chest hurt but somehow this time it gave him the right kind of kick in the arse. He could do this.

He had to do this!

He had to fight for their dream. It wasn’t only him anymore, it was the boys he grew up with, too. He jumped out of the bed and felt the excitement take over the trepidation he had felt only moments ago. The songs were streaming into his mind. The songs they used to play together. He wasn’t sure if the songs were the right ones for the club, but he was going to stick with the plan. He knew the songs by heart, and that was what mattered right now. When he found himself in the flow, it eventually took him less than ten minutes to scratch the setlist onto the paper.

He would probably have to edit it after meeting with Ed to go over the details, but he had a list of songs he could play in his sleep. A small, satisfied sigh escaped his lips when he put the guitar and notepad away, a semi-smile already caressing his face. He took a quick visit to the bathroom to get started on his evening routine. Have a wee, brush his teeth and wash his face. After he had applied moisturiser, he leaned his hands against the sink and forced himself to look in the mirror. His eyes were shining with excitement, but the fear was still very real and very present.

“Just relax and calm down. You just chose the songs you’ve played thousands of times. You can do this!” Harry encouraged himself. A firm nod towards his reflection, and finally his dimples made their first appearance since leaving the club tonight. When he was back in his room, he folded his clothes on the chair, slipped between the sheets and was asleep in under a minute after his head had touched the pillow.

***

He couldn’t do this.

How the hell did he think he could? Harry was sweating his arse off in the green room of Cherry’s. It was relatively big for a club, hands down the biggest Harry had ever visited during his so-called career, but all the same Harry could have been sitting in the corner of his wardrobe. Assuming he had one at the first place, but that wasn’t the point. The point was he was on the verge of freaking out, no matter where he was located. Backroom or not.

Slightly over 24 hours ago, Harry had been standing in the same place with Ed who had been explaining how the night would proceed with musicians. Harry had barely been able to listen and even less to process his words. He was still in shock after his phone call with Ed a few moments earlier. Every club Ed owned was a huge opportunity. They were popular and usually packed no matter whatever weekday it was, or even who was playing. Everyone trusted that only the best were able to get a gig at any of Ed’s clubs.

But when Ed had first time mentioned Cherry’s, Harry’s mind had short-circuited. He had reconfirmed it twice before believing he was actually going to play there. It was the flagship, the apple of Ed’s eyes, the best of the best. This one had deserved to be named after his fiancée, wife or whatever she was nowadays. The love of his life anyway, just like the club was the biggest love of his business life. And that’s why Harry was now a nervous wreck and about to lose his shit at any minute.

When he had left home with his guitar swinging on his shoulder, he had felt like a proper rockstar. But every step was taking him closer to his personal inferno, and he was convinced he would never survive with dignity, or even in one piece. The soundcheck, yes there had even been proper soundcheck, had loosened his nerves for a microsecond but the minute he was off the stage, he was back to the shaking, perspiring mess he was now.

From the corner of his eye Harry saw the artist performing before him emerge from behind the door dividing the backroom and the stairs leading to the estrade, joy gleaming in her bright eyes.

“Five minutes and the stage is yours.” She whispered with encouragement as she passed by. And if that hadn’t been enough, she added “Oh, and there’s a scout in the audience. Break a leg!”

For Harry her words meant the beginning of the countdown to hell. He had never ever been so nervous in his entire life than he was at the moment. It was now clearer than ever. This night would change his life forever, one way or another. He was holding his whole future between his fingertips, but the grip was still so fragile he could drop it with one tiny mistake and it scared him to death.

Harry jumped up from the couch he had been sitting on for a while and grabbed the water bottle from the nearest table, twisting it open with trembling fingers. He took a big gulp of ice cold water, rinsing it in his sand dry mouth, letting the moisturizing feeling spread around. He took a few more sips before re-capping it with a struggling sigh. His heart was jack-rabbiting in his way too tight ribcage, and water wasn’t the medicine that helped him at all right now.

His eyes had previously spied a bottle of whiskey but didn’t react to it too much, but now his eyes locked to the squares of the bottle. He stretched his arm and the feeling of the smooth surface gave him the first faint feeling of calmness that he hadn’t felt for hours. The bottle opened with a quiet snap and the spicy smell filtered into the air but Harry didn’t have time to enjoy the aromas floating around. He dismissed the urge to drink straight of the bottle and reached down to grab a short glass off the table and poured the amber coloured liquid into, roughly two fingers wide. Harry’s hold on the glass tightened as he raised it up to his lips and swallowed the substance in one gulp. Immediately the warm sensation spread throughout his tense body and instantly felt his muscles start to relax.

“Harry, stage. One minute.” Someone shouted to him from nearby. Quickly Harry poured himself another portion and swigged it in a hurry before turning back around to grab his guitar. He couldn’t say he was calm by any means, but at least he was able to breathe normally without the fear of passing out any second. Harry would call it a huge improvement anyway.

Harry inhaled deeply and pushed through the door and then slipped between the thick drapes, spotlights blinding him for a second as he stepped into the sudden brightness. He blinked his way to the sole microphone standing in the middle of the empty stage. Even if Harry couldn’t yet see anyone, he felt the presence of the audience within every cell in his body. The low buzz of the crowd quieted when he had stepped out. Silence awaited, only a couple of wolf whistles were audible. But it was enough to give him a small push of self-confidence. At least he looked good, if anything.

He dried his clammy hands against his skin-tight black jeans. Somehow, he managed to draw his pick out of the front pocket while adjusting the mic with his other hand. The coolness of his cream coloured silk shirt felt good under the heat of the spotlights. He swallowed visibly when he stretched the full length his body into a tall, captivating stance. Now silence was all he heard, aside from the blood as it pumped through his veins loudly. When he took a step closer to the mic stand his high heeled boot made a clicking sound against the hard stage floor. One big breath in and Harry leaned closer the microphone.

“Hello,” he started, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and the microphone echoed his cough around the space, startling Harry himself too. “Umm— Sorry for that. Forgot mics do that.” He apologized and sheepishly smiled, causing a light chuckle to spread in the audience. Maybe this wasn’t going all wrong, Harry thought when he heard the reaction. He gripped the microphone tight and continued with a new found assurity in his voice.

“My name is Harry Styles, and I’m going to sing you few of my favourite songs tonight. Hope you enjoy them as much I do.” The shots he had taken in the backroom were now giving him the boost he had hoped they would. He was feeling great and powerful.

“I’m quite sure everyone has heard the song I’m going to sing first, at least once.” Harry announced. “And if you haven’t, shame on you.” He added bravely after a small pause. This time laughter was even louder in the audience and Harry grinned widely.

“Ladies and gentlemen, credits for this song goes to the legendary band Creedence Clearwater Revival!” Harry shouted over the noise when he was already playing the first cords of ‘Proud Mary’.

The audience was cheering and dancing, but Harry hardly even heard it after a while. He was feeling it so powerfully, like he and the people on the floor were one and the same. Long gone was the nervousness and panic, he was living through his music and everything else had lost  meaning in the matter of a moment.

It was a shock for Harry to realize that, without even noticing, he had already reached the point where he was about to announce his last song of the night. Where the hell all the time gone? It felt like he was just minutes away from when he was losing his shit backstage and now his eyes were peering proudly over the cheering mass of people before him. People _he_ had made feel like this. Harry tore his gaze away and gripped the mic one more time.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Harry yelled. The audience answered shouting loudly. “You have been an amazing audience, the best anyone could ask for! Hope you have had great time tonight!” There was even louder shouting mixed with applause.

“It’s been an honour to be able to perform here today. In this club, for you all. But now it’s time to close my set and play one more song before I have to say goodbye. But don’t worry, I saved the best for the last. This song is from my favourite band called Fleetwood Mac!”

“My name is Harry Styles, and this is ‘The Chain’!”

Harry hadn’t been lying. If the whole night had been victory, ‘The Chain’ had been the jackpot. He had doubts that it was a proper song to close  his set with but had decided to keep it. And now it seemed it had been the right choice. The audience had gone absolutely crazy and the atmosphere felt like he could blow the roof off. It almost felt like an injustice to walk away from the stage when everything felt so perfect and, well just perfect.

After waving goodbye, Harry rushed down the couple of stairs, almost tripping on his way, and pushed his way through to the darkness of the backroom. He was grinning like a madman, adrenaline pumping in his veins, hoping this feeling could last forever. Harry loved music but performing was the icing on the cake. It gave him the feeling he wasn’t able to get from anything else. It was always the same, but tonight was something extraordinary. He wasn’t even able to explain it properly. He was high without taking any drugs and the sense of almightiness gave him the power to break down all walls on his way to fame. He fucking nailed this. Harry was sure about it. He was positive tonight had been the breaking point of his career. He just felt it so strongly about it in his bones. Now he just had to wait.

And he waited and waited, but nothing ever happened.

The same girl performing before Harry, had been contacted by the scout and she had been holding his business card in her hand like a new born baby, carefully and eyes never slipping away from it. Harry had to admit, he would have done the same. If only someone had given him one.

More time passed by, and then it was just Harry sitting alone in the empty room backstage, with a half drunk bottle of JD in his hand instead of a business card from a record company. It would have been an understatement to say that Harry was disappointed. He had been so fucking sure he had nailed it tonight. The audience had loved him, hadn’t they? Every uneventful minute was dragging him down from the clouds he had been floating on since after his set ended. Now all that remained was frustration, an incipient headache and the burning behind his eyelids.

“Hey mate, you have to go now.” The security guard tapped Harry lightly on the shoulder a half hour later. “And leave the Jack behind.” He added dryly, nodding towards the bottle Harry was holding. With every sip his disappointment had turned into anger and low self-esteem.

Blushing from the humiliation he felt, Harry quickly took his guitar and stumbled out into the chill of the late summer night. He realised he was more drunk than he had thought as he reached for support from the nearest wall.

“Fucking hell…” He mumbled, leaning his back against the wall haphazardly setting his guitar case on the ground next to him. He pulled out his phone and ordered himself an Uber with fumbling fingers. He could have walked home, it wasn’t that far away, but his state of intoxication had him changing his mind rather quickly. He wasn’t so worried about himself than he was about his precious guitar. He wouldn’t take any risks losing or damaging it any way. For one, he couldn’t afford to buy a new one right now.

Also, his guitar had walked a long road with him. It was a good one to play with, but its sentimental value made it even more important for Harry. It was one of the rare things Harry had kept from his past and let it knit itself into his present life. After all that had happened, it should have been painful to even touch the instrument because of the memories, but in some unexplainable way it was just the opposite. It gave him the strength he didn’t know he had. It was the key to his success.

Except, it wasn’t. For a short moment he had forgotten his failure tonight but now it was back in his mind very vividly. He had really thought he nailed the performance. He really did. The others in the backroom had congratulated him on his performance. Cheers and sounds of high fives had filled the air until they had gradually faded only to be replaced with pitied looks and silent sorry’s thrown in his direction.

If his best performance to date wasn’t enough to catch the interest of record companies, then what was? Maybe tonight was just the sign he needed from the universe saying he was reaching for stars he would never catch. A sign to give up his dreams before he even properly had a chance to chase them. Maybe he was just meant to be selling records for the rest of his life but never record one of his own. The thoughts plagued him all the way home, and beyond that, until his head was resting against the cool fabric of the pillow, his thoughts circulated around one question.

Was it time for him to stop chasing his dream?

***

His alarm went off way too soon, and especially, way too loudly the next morning. His head was about to explode any minute if he didn’t get it silent right now. Harry groaned and reached over to the table where his phone was laying, the annoying sound of his alarm droning on and on with the volume of hundred decibels. At least.

He sighed relief when he was able to push the right button on his first attempt and his poor head was blessed with silence again. His peace and harmony didn’t last long once he had actually looked at the time on his phone.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Harry cursed when he jumped out of bed. The contents of his belly made an unpleasant churn but luckily nothing came up. Not yet anyway, and Harry took it as a good sign. He grabbed his towel and toilet bag while running towards the door.

“Fuck.” He returned to snatch pair of clean underwear, a litany of obscenities still spewing from his mouth as he stepped into the bathroom. He really didn’t have time to take shower, but he couldn’t go to work reeking of old booze. He brushed his teeth while sitting on the toilet to save a few minutes, before taking the quickest shower ever. He didn’t even use conditioner on his hair despite knowing it would backfire later when his hair would become more uncontrollable than usual. Which was a lot, to be honest. He solved the problem by cramming an olive green beanie atop his head, hoping Nick wouldn’t be too annoyed about it. He probably wouldn’t care but Harry himself felt unprofessional wearing a hat indoors.

There wasn’t really much time to worry about it now. He tugged on the closest clean-looking clothes he found in his room, took his wallet, keys and phone without even checking the time anymore. He already knew he was late and reminding him by how much really didn’t help. He ran all the way to the shop and when he reached his destination, he was about to have an asthma attack without even having bloody asthma in the first place. While he was panting like a dog, one hand against the door and digging out a bunch of keys from his front pocket he noticed someone moving inside the shop. Had someone broken in?

Harry cautiously gripped the handle realizing it wasn’t locked and slowly opened the door. He tried to peek inside from the gap between the door and the doorframe, but the movement had stopped, and no one was visible. He heart was bouncing more than was healthy for his hangover. The final reason for his almost cardiac arrest wasn’t his jack-rabbiting heart but the voice inside the shop saying, “Good morning, Harry!”. The mere thought of Nick being in for the morning shift was enough to cause heart failure.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Nick?” Harry asked when he finally recovered from the shock Nick’s presence had caused.

“Funny that. I was just about to ask you the same question.” Nick answered resting his elbows against the counter and eyeing Harry curiously.

“I work here if you don’t remember.” Harry replied sourly and stepped properly inside.

“You didn’t get my text then?”

“What text?” Harry really didn’t have patience for this nonsense. His head was killing him and Nick speaking gibberish didn’t make it any easier.

“The text where I congratulated you and gave you the day off today. That one.” Nick was talking to him like he was a silly kid, and to be honest, Harry felt like one right now.

“I have no idea what the hell are you’re on about.” Harry huffed. “I didn’t get any text from you, and I can’t even fathom what I would be congratulated for.”

“What the fuck Harry!” Nick rolled his eyes. “I get if there was a mix-up with the text, but the rest is just bull shit, and you know it too.”

“No, Nick. I really don’t. There’s no need to fuck around with me about my shit performance last night. I’m aware of it anyway.” Harry wanted to kick something on his way to the small staff room in the back. He hadn’t had time to think about last night yet because of oversleeping but now it was all back in his mind, crystal clear and painful.

Nick bursting with laughter didn’t help at all. He was just so fucking annoying, and rude, to tell the truth. Harry just stormed past him into the small office in the back and slammed the door closed, making Nick laugh even louder. He crashed on the chair burying his face into his hands trying to stop tears from falling down.

“I was there last night, you know.” Nick’s voice echoed through the door. Harry wanted to yell at him to stop but before he had time to react, Nick was already continuing his monologue.

“I was there, like I have been many times before. Ed was with me. And then there was this guy, Matt I believe was his name, from the record company. Ed knew him, so he was standing with us in the back.” Harry was still in same position as earlier but now he was listening to Nick. Actually, he didn’t want to, but he was too curious not to. He just waited for Nick to carry on.

“Ed said he doesn’t remember the last time some totally unknown artist had been able to create such a reaction from the audience. You were just fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. And it wasn’t just mine, Ed’s or even the audience’s opinion. Matt was so enthusiastic he FaceTimed his boss to let him see you perform.”

“What…?” Harry whispered but it was clear Nick didn’t hear him.

“His boss loved you too. Told Matt he wanted to see you as soon as possible—”

“What?!?” Harry leapt to the door and wrenched it open, staring at Nick wide eyed.

“But he got a phone call and he had to leave right after you had ended your set. But after he heard that you work for me, he asked me to give his card to y—”

“WHAT???”

“Give his card to you.” Nick repeated patiently with a shit-eating grin on his face. “It’s on the desk in my office, by the way.”

“What—” Harry yelped with a high-pitched voice, apparently the only word in his vocabulary that existed anymore and turned around to rummage through the contents on the desk behind him. Actually, he didn’t even have to do that. As soon as he let his gaze wander over it, his eyes caught the square piece of paper almost on the centre of the desk. How hadn’t he notice it before?

He carefully picked it up and stared at it before pressing it against his chest. It felt so unreal to hold it when last night’s disappointment was still so fresh in his mind. Harry closed his eyes only to open them almost immediately as if that would confirm to himself he wasn’t dreaming.

“You deserve it, H.” Harry heard Nick’s voice behind him. When Nick drew his hand up to squeeze Harry’s shoulder, Harry couldn’t but wrap his arms around him sobbing not so prettily.

“I just can’t believe this. I was so sure I had failed badly when nothing happened yesterday and there was one girl that had been approached by some A&R person and she was flashing the business card they had given her.” Harry sniffed, burying his face on Nick’s chest. “I’m not dreaming that I have Simon Cowell’s business card in my hand right now, am I?”

“You’re not dreaming, kiddo.” Nick’s hand had been petting Harry’s hair, but now he stopped and tightly gripped Harry’s shoulders, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

“You deserve it. “Nick repeated firmly. “This is your big chance and I’m going to help you any way I can. Now, just go, meet Simon Cowell and get yourself a fucking record deal already!”

***

As it turned out, it wasn’t as simple as Nick had made it sound. It had been weeks of going back and forth. Just when it had felt like it was going somewhere, there had always been some kind of setback on the way and it was exhausting. Harry was feeling so tired and frustrated he was willing to do anything to get answers that would lead somewhere. Which was probably the intention of Simon Cowell’s cat and mouse game, Harry had figured. Flash the record deal in front of his eyes and then pull it back again to add some new stipulations before they could seal the deal.

And now Harry was here again. At Syco headquarters to meet with Simon Cowell again. He was always nervous being in his presence, but the first time had still been the worst. It had taken over three weeks from the day Harry had received his business card to actually meet him. There had been a couple of cancellations before he had finally come face to face with Simon. Every time it felt a bit easier to face the man with a not so good reputation, but still it was never easy.

Harry had been sitting in the small lobby near Simon’s office for nearly a half hour, hands sweating, antsy to hear what he wanted this time. Finally, he was called by his secretary and led to a room that was familiar to him now. A big desk sat in front of the window, looking out over the rooftops of the smaller buildings below. A couple of chairs and a black leather couch strategically placed so that Simon was able to sit behind his desk and look down on his clients, showing them who the boss was. Dozens of gold and platinum records hung on the wall, reminding everyone of his success.

“Hello, Harry.” Simon said to him in a friendly manner and thrusted his hand out for Harry to grasp. Harry’s hand seemed to disappear into Simon’s big claw. Harry had big hands himself too, maybe it was just the reputation Simon had that made him always feel so small when they met.

“Good afternoon, Mr Cowell.” Harry nodded politely.

“Sit down, please.” He added when their hands had parted, waving towards the couch. ”How are you today, Harry?”

Simon was way too nice, even cloying, and it raised alarms in Harry’s mind. He was up to something and Harry just had to wait and see what had he planned this time. Gritting his teeth, he pulled his lips into a smile and said something lame, as he was expected to give an answer.

Simon listened, smiling devilishly. He let the sides of his fore fingers rest against his lips and then leaned back on his chair.

“Listen, Harry. I have been thinking.” Simon started ominously, and Harry felt his heart drop. This didn’t sound good, it really didn’t.

“I have seen you perform many times in various situations now, and I don’t think you’re good enough to offer you a solo record deal.”

Harry was sure his heart stopped beating when he heard Simon’s words. Did all these hopes and promises he had, just vanish into thin air? Poof, and everything was back to square one? The disappointment that raged inside him made his chest feel like he had an iron cast pressing down on his rib cage, making it harder and harder to breathe with every shallow breath he tried to suck in. Harry stayed quiet until Simon started to speak again after he had watched Harry suffer for a few moments, still smiling. Harry wanted to take down one of his precious gold record frames and smash it onto his head to wipe the smirk off his face.

“But I have been thinking of other options.” Simon said standing up, Harry’s eyes following his every move. “I have this newly formed band under my label. Four young lads, very good and talented all of them. But there is something missing, something that is going to make them the best boy band in the world.”

Simon stopped again, pressed his hands against the smooth mahogany of his desk, staring directly into Harry eyes.

“I believe, you are the missing link, Harry.” He finally added.

“Wh- what…?”

“I want to put you in a band and make you a star.” Harry couldn’t believe his ears. “I know I haven’t seen you together yet, but I know your voices will harmonize perfectly with each other’s. I just need to make sure you have the right chemistry together, and if you do I know you will be big. I mean really, really big.”

“I want to hear you sing and perform together. If it goes as well as I think it will, you will be continuing together as a band and I’m going to sign you to a contract for five records. With a few options, of course. What do you say, Harry?”

Harry just stared at him. How was he supposed to give him an answer straight away? He had never thought about being in a band, not since everything that had happened before he left home.

The thought of being in a band with people other than his best friends felt like a betrayal. Was he able to do it? But this also might be his only chance to get an actual record deal, was he able to live with the fact he would be doing it with a bunch of strangers? Maybe not, but deep inside Harry knew what he was going to answer.

And so did Simon. He had a smug expression on his face, knowing he had won. Very likely, this had been his plan since the beginning. He had just made sure Harry had no options to say no anymore. Harry hated him and wanted to punch him, and yet he wanted to hug him for believing him.

He did the latter, and for a moment everything looked bright.

***

Still on cloud nine, Harry stepped out of the Syco building and made his way down the street. He had too much energy to be wasted by using public transportation and he practically pranced through Hyde Park like a fool, despite the lousy weather, he was just so happy. On his way he had promised to treat himself with his favourite chocolate cake and was already able to taste the sinfully delicious flavour on his tongue, when he saw them. They were just coming out from the coffee shop Harry was about to enter. He took a quick step back and twisted his head in the opposite direction. They didn’t see him now, leaning against the wet window, as the memories came flooding back to him with the same force as the rain that poured down from the sky and hit the ground. The lump in his throat was suffocating and his eyelids were burning as he squeezed his eyes shut for a second, panting laboriously. His chest felt as though a thousand daggers were being stabbed through his heart.

He didn’t want to watch but couldn’t help not to. They were together. They were laughing. They were happy. And that all made Harry angry. So, so angry. They had no right to be fucking smiling.

They had destroyed Harry’s whole life and then continued to live their own like nothing ever happened. Like Liam never mattered or anything, or their lov—. Harry didn’t let himself say it even inwardly. Harry’s fists were clenched, knuckles white and he wanted to hit something. The tears of shock had changed to pure fury and he had to use his all willpower not to run up to them and punch them both right in the face.

Instead he watched them disappear around the corner and the last thing he saw was Zayn reaching for Louis’ small hand and interlocking their hands together. And then they were gone.

In the blink of an eye, seeing them again had unraveled every stitch that had kept Harry intact up to that moment. He had to get away. His legs felt like jelly when he pushed himself off the window. He started to walk faster until he was running, the heels of his worn out Chelsea boots clicking against the dampened asphalt. He felt the pain in his chest again. His lungs were screaming in an attempt to get enough oxygen, but it didn’t stop him.

He couldn’t stop.

And he didn’t. Not until he was home. He rummaged through his drawer looking for something he knew he had kept there. Nick had given it to him once they had been out, but he hadn’t used it because it really wasn’t his thing. But now it was calling his name so loudly. With trembling fingers, he tapped a small amount of the white powder onto his desk and formed it into a semi-neat line using Simon’s business card. He dug a ten pound note out of his wallet and rolled it up tightly before leaning closer to the desk top.

He already hated what he was about to do but the pain was too much to deal with on his own. This was the quickest way to get immediate relief from all he just witnessed and endured. Then later he would have time to think how could make them suffer too. He thought about ways of getting revenge, he wouldn’t be the only one whose life was going to be destroyed. Not this time.

Karma’s a bitch, they say.

The thought made him smile. With eyes as cold as ice and a weak curl still formed on his cherry lips, he snorted the lines and the pleasant euphoria filled his body.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

[ Adele - Set Fire To The Rain ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri7-vnrJD3k)

Louis

_“But there’s a side to you_  
_That I never knew, never knew_  
_All the things you say_  
_They were never true, never true_  
_And the games you play_  
_You would always win, always win”_

_***_

_February 2011_

 

“Oops!” Someone pushed through the door of the coffee shop and almost knocked Louis over. He was barely able to keep his cup of piping hot tea balanced in his hand without spilling it on himself.

“Watch out, will you!” He said sharply to the stranger, who seemed to be petrified in front of him after hearing Louis’ voice. Still annoyed, Louis lifted his gaze, ready to say few choice words about people rushing around like headless chickens, but they all got stuck in his throat. All he was able to get out was a stunned “Hi.”

They stared at each other until someone behind Louis coughed purposefully and tried to bypass them.

“Oh, shit. Sorry!” Louis said to them and stepped aside. He only turned away for a couple of seconds, but it was enough for Harry to do a one-eighty and disappear into the crowd on the busy street.

“Harry!” Louis tried to yell behind him, but he didn’t hear. Or more likely, he didn’t want to hear. Still baffled at the surprise encounter, Louis just stood in the middle of the sidewalk, people passing him left and right.

_Get a grip, Tomlinson_ , Louis admonished himself, heart still beating wildly in his chest.

Finally, he managed to compose himself enough to walk in the direction of home. The red paper cup in his hand was letting puffs of steam escape into the chilly air and without thinking, Louis lifted the cup to his lips and took a large sip.

”Fucking hell!” He spat out the offensively hot liquid, spraying all down his coat. Apparently, the splash of milk and two minutes that had lapsed since he got his afternoon tea wasn’t a sufficient amount of time for it to cool down. Exhibit A was Louis’ tongue which now was both sore and numb.  

He wiped the tea drops off his coat with his hand as best he could. He got the excess liquid off, leaving behind the brownish stains on his light blue denim jacket. Great. Now Louis was pissed, achy and confused. A wonderful combination that didn’t necessarily help him to clear his head and process the encounter. He quickened his pace. All he wanted now was to have some quiet privacy so he could digest what the fuck had just happened. With Harry, not the tea, obviously.

Harry was in London. And more precisely, Harry had been in Camden, just a couple hundred metres away from Louis’ flat. His and Zayn’s. Fuck.

It took two minutes tops for Louis to get behind the black exterior door leading to the stairway, because Costa coffee was literally just around the corner. One block straight ahead, a sharp turn left, walk to the front door and, then just a small flight of stairs leading to their first floor flat.

Louis unlocked the door and pushed it open.

“Zayn...?” Louis called when he stepped into their studio flat. Not that he even has to in the first place. Once he was in the tiny hallway, he was able to look around the flat to see that it was empty. He probably shouldn’t have felt relief from that like he did.

There was a small wardrobe across the front door, a narrow kitchen and the bathroom on the left. Louis kicked off his shoes, wriggled out of his jacket, still managing to keep the tea upright and hung his coat on the hook by the door. He slid his feet into a pair slippers and pulled the bathroom door shut. He hated when Zayn never closed the door and the cold from the tiles spread all over the flat.

Louis sighed and flipped the lights on in the same way as always, even if it wasn’t necessary. There was still daylight left outside and it was streaming into the spacious room from the two double doors leading to the room-wide balcony. The floor was made of dark hardwood, and the high walls were all painted pure white. Zayn had wanted to paint them something more colourful, but their landlord had said ‘no’ which secretly pleased Louis. Zayn had solved the problem by hanging numerous amounts of paintings on the walls. Some of his own, some from other artists. If it were up to Louis, most of them wouldn’t be hung on his walls. If he was living on his own, of course.

Louis shook his head in an attempt to banish his near Freudian slip out of his head. But truth be told, after only six months of living together he already sometimes dreamed of living in his own flat. What did that say? Well, it definitely wasn’t a positive thing. That’s for sure.

Maybe they had hastened moving in together. Maybe it was something they shouldn’t have done in the first place. They had never been the couple who spent all their free time together. No. They had lived in different cities and saw one another whenever it suited both of them. They had had their own separate lives, and now living together  emphasized that even more.

At the time, Zayn had suggested it after being offered a job as an art teacher in London, the idea had felt good. The idea of living in London still felt good. It had been easy for Louis to find new job, there was always a shortage of registered nurses who specialized in particular units, like Louis did in the ICU. So, it had been easy to say ‘sure’ to Zayn and move to London with him.

It had been the end of August when they had settled into this flat. They had both been infatuated with the neighbourhood when they had seen the ad, and even more when they had actually walked in and saw it on the spot. Originally, they had wanted the one with the separate bedroom but ended up in this studio.

The corner of the living room where their bed was located, was divided with two bookcases which provided some privacy and gave it a bedroom feeling. Near the glass door was a dark grey leather sofa, as big and comfy as it was possible to fit there, and a flat screen tv hung on the wall across from it. They didn’t have a dining table, but the low coffee table placed in front of the sofa served as one. A couple of glowing orange rugs laid out on the floor gave a warm contrast to the dark wood floor below, and the candy red pillows on the sofa infused a hint of boldness into the décor.

The art had been the biggest issue when they had decorated. Zayn loved art. He lived and breathed it, and Louis had to settle for it. It wasn’t only paintings, everything with Zayn was one way or another related to art in its different forms. His job, his friends, his spare time, his home.

Everything, but his boyfriend.

When they had moved here, Zayn already knew some of his former fellow students from Leeds, while Louis knew no one. Through his friends, Zayn had gotten a space in a shared studio where he used to spend most of his time outside of working hours. Then there was Louis who worked three rotating shifts, so they barely saw each other anymore despite the fact they were sharing a flat and a bed.   

Louis sighed and sat on the couch. He bent his legs and tucked them under his bum, carefully rolling the paper cup between his palms. He closed his eyes and images started to flash before his eyes.

Costa. Tea. Harry.

Louis even didn’t know why he had picked that café to get the tea from, when he knew he could have gotten one at home a) faster and b) cheaper. But no, he had gone there for the first time in a month or so, and immediately bumped into the person he had expected least.

Louis opened his eyes and took a gulp of the tea, that already triggered a headache in the form of Harry. He swallowed the mouthful and winced. Ugh! He should add part ‘c’ into his list of reasons to make tea at home, because this so-called tea tasted like shit now that it wasn’t burning his mouth.  

Because Louis really needed his tea to be able to think, he sighed and made his way to the kitchen. It was a cramped space with a few cupboards, a fridge and a stove they never used. On the worktop there was a microwave and a kettle, which Louis flipped on. While waiting for it to boil, he took the red Yorkshire tea package and pulled out a teabag and placed it into his green ceramic mug. He got the milk out of the fridge, along with last night’s curry. He put the food in the microwave and added a dash of milk to the bottom of his cup. When he got his tea brewed and food heated, Louis carried them both over to the living room.

He usually watched telly while eating but today he felt too anxious for that. He let his thoughts roam back to Harry. They all had he presumed he was in London, but no one knew for sure because they hadn’t heard from him since he had packed his stuff and driven away a week after he had found out what, or who, Louis had been doing behind his back.

It was the last memory Louis had of Harry. Him standing on the steps of Zayn’s flat looking so heartbroken, shattered and destroyed. Harry had stared at Louis with so much pain and disbelief in his eyes, then just turned his back and ran away. He didn’t answer any of Louis’ calls or texts and refused to open the door to him. And to be fair, Louis couldn’t blame him. No, the only person he could blame was himself. He was the reason why Harry had dropped out of school and moved somewhere else, leaving everything behind. His mum had been devastated when her little boy was gone. Although, furious would also have been an understatement, when she had found out why.

Zayn was her son, so he was eventually forgiven, and Anne never cut her ties to Zayn, not even though she was angry. She had tried to understand him too, and reputedly it had been the last straw for Harry and the reason why he up and left. But for Louis, Anne hadn’t been as polite. No, she had said quite directly what she thought about Louis. And to tell the truth, Louis agreed with every word she had hurled at him.

What Louis had never figured out was why Harry even went to see Zayn in the first place. Yes, Harry was his brother, but they weren’t so close they would do surprise visits at each other’s place. Especially, when they had lived in different cities. There was something else buried under this mystery, Louis was sure, but Zayn refused to talk about it. He had just shrugged his shoulders and changed the subject. If anything, that was what Louis found most annoying. It had been the first time it had happened but definitely not the last.  

When Zayn had been forbidden fruit, he had felt all mysterious and exciting. When he got to taste that fruit on the regular, things had become predictable and frustrating. The once delicious fruit had turned rancid which only left a bad, sour taste in his mouth.

Every day Louis thought of how he had made a horrible mistake.

Today, he thought about it more than ever.

***

It happened again.

Same place. Different day. But definitely Harry.

If, since their first encounter, Louis had paid more visits to the Costa near his flat than in the entire time he had lived in the neighbourhood, he wouldn’t admit it. Maybe he had just began to like their tea after all.

And there Louis was again. Queuing for his tea with half a dozen fellow Londoners, when he saw Harry. He was sitting in the corner in the back of the café with almost a full cup of coffee placed on the table. He had his laptop open in front of him and his brows were knitted together slightly as he concentrated on what he was doing.

Louis bit the nail of his thumb nervously. The queue was going forward way too fast and it was already his turn to make an order. On a whim, he asked for a brownie along with his tea, because Harry always had a sweet tooth.

With tea in one hand and brownie in another, Louis slowly made his way to Harry’s table. He stood there staring at the glowing apple on the cover of Harry’s laptop and felt dumb. He really hadn’t thought through what he was supposed to do when he was actually next to Harry.

Harry stretched his hand out to take his cup, almost giving Louis a heart attack from his sudden movement. As if he were hypnotized, Louis followed Harry’s long fingers as they wrapped around the mug and lifted it. Harry still had the same ring he used to have, Louis noticed it first. Then Louis allowed his eyes to raise up to Harry’s lips, finding they were as pink and plump as they were back then. Louis thought in the back of his mind, _Did they still taste as sweet too?_

It was that exact moment Harry finally noticed him. The mug that had almost touched his lips, knocked loudly against the table. At first, his gaze was terrified. Then it quickly turned into a rage Louis had never before seen in his eyes.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Harry hissed at him straightening himself in his seat. If looks really could kill, Louis would be seconds away from laying six feet under.

“Hey, Harry.” Louis replied cautiously. Because he still hadn’t dropped dead, he opted to be brave. With a slow motion, he grabbed the backrest of the chair across from Harry and pulled it towards him slightly. It creaked a bit, but in a strained silence, it felt more like a thunder. When there was enough room for Louis to fit, he sat down never letting his gaze slip from Harry. If he was going to punch him, at least he would be prepared.

When nothing happened, and Harry just kept glaring at him, Louis made his next move.

“Here.” Louis pushed the small bag he had been carrying a little closer to Harry whose eyes now narrowed intimidatingly. “It’s a brownie.”

“A brownie?” Harry asked with an icy tone.

“Yeah…” Louis gulped, biting his lower lip. This wasn’t going very well, but he couldn’t back down either.

“A brownie.” Harry repeated calmly. Way too calmly if Louis was asked. But he wasn’t. Instead, he was yelled at by Harry from the top of his lungs.

”I can’t believe you have nerve to do this! After everything you did to me, to us, you are you trying to buy my forgiveness with a fucking brownie?!?” Louis sensed the heads of the other patrons whip around in their direction to witness the commotion, but it wasn’t his major problem right now and it was easy to block their stares.

”No. I—” Louis winced. He didn’t even know why he bought that stupid brownie in the first place, and he said it to Harry too.

“I. Don’t. Care.”  Harry emphasized his speech with a pause between every word.

”Sorry. it’s clear to me now that I made a mistake by coming over to talk to you. I’ll just take the fucking brownie back and leave, ok?” Louis sighed with resignation and tried to take the bloody lump of chocolate, but Harry was faster.

”No. It’s mine.” Harry snatched the bag closer to him staring at Louis challengingly. Louis swallowed the words about childish behaviour, because that would instantly mean game over for him.

”Does this mean I can stay too?” Louis cocked his head, voice full of hope.

Harry didn’t say anything. He dug the pastry from the bag, tore off a piece from it and popped the chocolatey treat into his mouth. Louis took it as a small victory but forced himself to keep a straight face. Harry kept munching on his brownie in silence, eyes locked on the surface of the table.

Finally, he lifted his gaze and stared straight into Louis’ eyes.

“What are you really doing here, Louis?” _Louis_. It shouldn’t have stung the way it did. Louis couldn’t remember the last time Harry had called him by his real name. He had always been Lou to him.

“I came to get me tea…” Louis lifted his cup to prove his sayings. “And to see if you were here, too.” He added, keeping his head up, even if all he wanted to do was to run away. His throat felt a bit too tight to breathe normally, when all the reasons why he was here, started to flow into his mind.

Maybe it was now or never, Louis thought taking a deep breath.

“Ever since I saw you that day coming out of the coffee shop, I have wanted the chance to apologize to you for what I did. I know nothing will ever make it disappear, or there is no way I can undo it. I just want you to know how deeply sorry I am.” Louis wanted to take Harry’s hand to emphasize his apology but knowing it would be a huge mistake, he added another whispered “I’m so sorry.”

”Are you still with him?” Harry asked refusing to look at Louis.

”Yeah.”

”So, he was worth enough to ruin our relationship.” Harry said pushing his laptop closed and slipped it into his messenger bag. “Yeah. Ok. I’m gonna go now.”

“Haz…”

“Don’t fucking Haz me!” Harry snarled him. “You have no right to even talk to me after what you did to me. You should just go home with your boyfriend, _Louis_ , and leave me alone.”

Louis watched Harry walk away, disappointment flickering around in his chest. Deep inside, he had known this would happen but still he had hoped there would be a chance for a fresh start.

Louis drank his tea, fiddling with the white and red paper bag Harry had left behind. It didn’t necessarily help, but it cooled his nerves in a weird way. When he had finished his drink and Louis was just about to leave the café, his phone went off.

Louis blinked his eyes a few times to shake the hallucination, but the message was sent from a number he never thought he’d receive from ever again.

‘Thanks for the brownie.’ Louis read smile caressing on his face.

Maybe there was hope after all.

***

 ”Mum bought us tickets to see One Direction as a birthday present!” Phoebe screamed into the phone when it was finally her turn to talk to Louis.

”See who...?” That name didn’t ring any bells for him. Although that didn’t surprise him. He barely understood half of anything his sisters told him. There was definitely a gap between generations.

”Duh! One Direction. Don’t you listen to me at all!” The annoyed preteen shrieked, causing Louis ears to ring for rest of the night.

”They’re a band, right?”

” _Of course_ , they are a band! What else? A book club?” Phoebe snorted sarcastically, causing Louis to roll his eyes. Why the hell was his whole family full of next level smartasses?

Without waiting for an answer, she kept rambling on about how beautiful Calum’s eyes were, or OMG Harry’s hair and how FIT Luke was.

”Alright, alright! First at all, no one is fit. You’re not even supposed to know the word fit in that context. And definitely don’t tell me, or anyone else, that someone named Luke is fit.” Louis winced. This really wasn’t something he wanted to discuss with his little sister. It was just… weird. A twelve-year-old kid shouldn’t call anyone fit.

”But he is! Just google them, Boo. I can’t even speak to you when you know _nothing_ that’s going on!” Phoebe sighed out her frustration. The next thing Louis knew the line was dead, and his sister was gone.

”Bye…?” He puffed into the now blank phone. Louis dropped the phone on the sofa and padded to the kitchen to refill his mug, shaking his head and laughing amusedly. Louis has gotten used to this over the years. Living in a house full of girls guaranteed that new drama was always waiting just around the corner. Even if he wasn’t living in the same household anymore, he still got his daily dose from the phone calls. And to be honest, life would have been much more boring without it. He loved his sisters, and brother of course, with all his heart.

That was probably the reason why five minutes later Louis found himself curled up on the sofa, with a fresh cuppa in one hand and phone in the other ready to google about this magical band.

“Let’s see…” Louis mumbled to himself. He took a sip from his tea and placed it on the table before he could spill it all over the couch.

“One Direction.” Louis tapped the name on the search bar and pressed the magnifying glass icon on the right waiting for the magic to happen.

“Alright… What do we have here?” Louis kept talking to himself.

“Wikipedia!” Of course, there was a Wikipedia and Louis continued to the said page and started to read.

_One Direction is an English pop boy band based in London. The group signed with Simon Cowell’s record label Syco Records in October 2010._ Simon Cowell at least that was a name Louis recognized. His reputation wasn’t so good though. Louis shrugged and kept reading.

_The group has gained a large amount of fans with their YouTube videos. Their first single is estimated to be released in summer 2011 and the album will follow later that same year._

_The group consists of Michael Clifford age 17, Luke Hemmings 18, Calum Hood 16, Ashton Irwing 17 and Harry Sty—_

“WHAT?!?” Louis shot up faster that he ever had in his life. He re-read the description to confirm he read it correctly the first time. And yes, there it still was. It stated the fifth member of One Direction was Harry Styles, age 21.

There couldn’t be another person with the same name and age than his Harry. No no, not _his_ Harry! The Harry he knew, Louis meant. Right?

Google proved he was right about Harry. When he went through the image search, his familiar face appeared onto his screen. Louis should have been surprised, but he really wasn’t. He had always known Harry would become something really great if he had the opportunity. He had already gotten a record deal. There seemed to be a solid, but still limited fan base for the band. Time would tell if it would take them any further, if their first still unreleased single would be hit or miss.

Louis pondered if Zayn, or any other of Harry’s family members, knew about this. Harry hadn’t told them, Louis was one hundred percent sure about it. But had they ever googled his name just to get an idea of his whereabouts? Where he lived, or what was he doing? Louis hadn’t done it in ages. He had done it in the beginning, but nothing ever came from it, so he eventually gave up.

But had Anne given up too? Louis really doubted that. She was his mother, and mums never gave up. Had she found out about this band thing by now? If yes, has she told Zayn about it too?

Because Zayn hadn’t said anything. It’s like he had erased his brother off the map entirely. He never mentioned Harry’s name. Louis feels like he should tell him about this anyway.

But he also knew that deep inside he never would.

***

Louis was standing in a room full of screaming teenagers and their mums, feeling like a rooster in a henhouse. Perhaps he should be embarrassed that he bought a ticket for this sold out mini gig from some young girl who had been selling it on Twitter because she couldn’t go. He wasn’t embarrassed to be here, no. However, because Louis was too desperate to see Harry on stage, and his band mates of course, some real fan was shit out of luck.

It had been a huge coincidence, Louis swears, him finding out about this gig in the first place. Alright, after discovering Harry being in a band, he _might_ have done some searching. He also might have accidentally created himself a Twitter account with an embarrassing handle, to keep updated and then one thing led to another. And now as a result, he is here biting his thumb nail nervously while waiting for One Direction to show up on stage.

Nothing was happening yet, so Louis let his eyes roam over the venue.

The room was relatively small. It looked like it might have once been a theatre, the shape of the stage citing for it. But now all the seats had been removed to fill in the floor area, which happened to be where most of the girls were gathered. Louis would estimate there was maybe two, three hundred people tops in the room. It was a bit difficult to say, because of the dim lightning.

Louis leaned further against the railing to see what was going on below him. The anticipation of the start of the concert was palpable, as the crowd was getting louder minute by the minute, and Louis must admit  his hands were sweating more than usual. Louis heard a thump at the door behind him and saw a woman in her mid-thirties walking onto the balcony that Louis was standing at. She nodded briefly and sat down on the other side of the aisle leaving a few empty seats between them. Louis didn’t want to look too creepy while looking down to the flock of young girls, so he sat down too. He pulled out his phone, his leg tapping restlessly against the grey concrete floor.

“Are you here with your daughter, too?” At first, Louis didn’t even realise a lady was talking to him.

“I— I’m— umm.” Louis stuttered embarrassment colouring his cheeks red. What the hell was he supposed to reply to that? No, I’m here to stalk my ex-boyfriend? Who is the singer in that band, in case you didn’t realise that.

Yeah, maybe not…

Louis was saved from answering the woman’s question when someone ran on the stage which kicked off the pandemonium by making the crowd erupt in screams. That someone was a young lad. He had dark brown hair with a broad blue stripe in the front. Michael, Louis was quite sure of his name.

He was soon followed with two more guys. They both had almost identical haircuts where their fringe rested across the sides of their faces. When even their hair colour was a similar dark sandy shade, it was hard to tell which one was Ashton and which one was Luke. Calum instead was easier to recognise when he rushed into the stage just seconds later. His slightly smoldering look seemed to appeal to girls and the screams were getting louder. But it was nothing compared to the moment Harry appeared. It almost felt unfair to the guys how much attention Harry garnered, but at the same time Louis couldn’t help but agree.

He had never seen Harry perform on stage before, but Louis had always known he belonged there. When they started to sing their first song, Louis immediately remembered how amazing Harry’s voice was. They all did. But there was something about Harry’s stage presence that made him stand out from the rest.

In the darkness, away from outsider gazes, Louis let himself take the first proper look at Harry since they had reconnected. He still had the same unruly curls that he used to have but Harry had let them grow a little bit longer and now the ends were already brushing his shoulders. His eyes looked shiny and when he smiled, the dimples were there cratering his cheeks. Like the other lads, he was also wearing a printed t-shirt with jeans that hugged his legs. Legs Louis used to be able touch, caress and wrap around his head.

His dick twitched minutely in his jeans, making Louis nervously lick his lips. He had no right to feel like this, there were way too many reasons for that. But yet he couldn’t help but stare.

Harry was a flirt, there was no way to deny it. He knew how to garner attention. He looked extremely fit, and yet he also looked like a baby deer still trying to learn how to walk. His thin, long legs refused to cooperate properly as he moved around the stage and Louis found that so damn endearing, he almost forgot to breathe.

Then it happened.

Louis wasn’t sure how Harry was able to notice him in the audience, almost like he had a sixth sense, or something. Louis hadn’t even realised that at some point he had stood up and was holding the rail again. But when Harry’s green eyes were staring straight back into his own, Louis was glad he did. Otherwise his buckling knees would have failed him.

Their eye contact didn’t last more than a few seconds but ever since they locked eyes, Harry kept glancing towards Louis and continued until the show was over. And then, Louis didn’t know what the hell should he do next. Was he supposed to feel embarrassed after getting caught? Or should he try to sneak backstage like a desperate groupie, and then be kicked out of the whole venue? That would be a funny story to tell his sisters.

But before Louis had time to make any moves, his phone went off in his pocket. It vibrated only once to alert him of a new message. He had a distant hunch, or hope, who it might be from, but didn’t let himself get too excited before he read it. And yet, even if the message was from Harry, it wouldn’t necessarily be a positive one.

The phone was burning a hole in his pocket. Louis restrained himself for almost a minute until he finally gave up and dug his phone out with shaky fingers. He pressed the home button to read the message only to see the familiar name flash on the screen as a notification. The text itself was short and simple.

‘Fancy a drink?’ It said. Once again Louis should have said ‘no’, but he didn’t. Instead he replied simply with ‘Sure’.

***

Harry texted back quickly suggesting a small pub nearby. He said he would get there as soon as he was able to be, and asked if they could meet there. Of course, Louis had agreed and now he was sitting at a round table for two in a typical London pub.

It was dimly lit, as pubs usually were, creating a charming old school atmosphere. The floor was made from dark wood, just like the bar counter and the tables, although their colour was more of a golden auburn. In contrast, the walls were the shade of dark petrol, but they were almost invisible behind all the vintage art that was hanging on them. The thick rugs on the floor gave much needed warmth to the décor.

It was the middle of the week. There were patrons scattered around but it wasn’t even nearly full, in early evening peak hours and weekends, it probably was packed. But now it was quiet, and it was easy to spot when Harry stepped in. Albeit Louis was sure he would always sense when Harry was around, no matter how crowded it would be.

Harry looked like a kid who had ran away from his parents when he stopped to look around, looking too young and lost to fit in this place while standing in the doorway. His curls were still slightly damp and his skin was glimmering as he timidly let his eyes roam over the pub. There was a little flicker in his eyes that Louis hadn’t expected to see, but it was gone in a flash. A couple of minutes later he sat across from Louis holding a pint in his hand, with the remains of a tiny semi-smile still on his lips

“Hi.” Louis said carefully, keeping his eyes strictly on Harry. Harry didn’t say anything. He only lifted the pint to his lips and looked at Louis over the rim as he took the first sip of his cold beer. The foam left a little trace on his upper lip and Harry licked it away swiftly.  

”So,” Louis continued when Harry just stayed quiet and the silence started to feel too uncomfortable to bare. ”You’re in a band now?”

It seemed to be a topic which was neutral enough to ask about. And truthfully, Louis was curious too.

But Harry stubbornly kept quiet. He looked so damn beautiful sitting there, green eyes boring into Louis’, lips glistening from the lick of his pink tongue and Louis couldn’t take it anymore. He let his gaze fall down to the table and he started to fiddle with the coaster with trembling fingers meanwhile inwardly he was screaming to Harry “ _Talk to me! Talk to me!”_

He wanted an answer from Harry, but he couldn’t demand it. He had no right to. He didn’t even have a right to talk to Harry at all. Not after everything he’d done to him. He didn’t even know why Harry wanted to see him again in the first place. Louis had taken it as a good sign, but now when the silence just went on and on, he wasn’t so sure anymore. Maybe this was just Harry’s way of watching him squirm one more time. If so, he was doing a damn good job.

“Yeah, I am.” Louis almost jumped in the air when Harry finally replied, voice still slightly husky after his concert. His eyes flew up to Harry’s face fingers pressing around his pint, words getting lost on their way out of his mouth.

“How did you find out?” Harry asked. Louis was sure Harry saw his misery and finally threw him a bone with his question. Now Louis just had to open his mouth and answer it.

“My sisters—” Louis’ voice almost cracked when he tried to speak, and he cleared his throat before moved on.

“My little sisters are fans of One Direction. They told me about the concert tickets they received as a birthday present and I didn’t recognise the band they were gushing about…” Louis took a quick swig when his mouth started to feel too dry.

“So, basically they told me I’m an old fart and told me to Google before they could even talk to me again.” Louis sighed, making an exaggerated imitation of the ‘talk to the hand’ sign.

Whatever he had expected Harry’s reaction to be, it certainly wasn’t the same ridiculous cackle Louis had heard so many times before. In that moment it felt so spontaneous and genuine, Louis couldn’t help but join Harry.

It felt so good to laugh. To laugh with Harry, especially. But to be honest, there hadn’t’ been too many reasons in Louis’ life to laugh about lately. The whole situation was over too soon but maybe the climate between them had warmed a couple of degrees afterwards. Louis hoped it wasn’t just his own imagination.

“And you did? Googled us, I mean.” Harry asked when he was finally able to gather himself up.

“I did.” Louis confirmed nodding his head. “Must admit it was a bit of a shock to find out the names of the band members.”

“Was it?” Harry continued his series of short questions.

“Of course, it was!” Louis smiled shortly. ”How else would I have known?”

“Oh, Lou. You really have been living under a rock the last couple of months.” Harry smirked, but all Louis was able to focus on was the ‘Lou’ part. Louis wasn’t sure if Harry had even noticed that the old nickname had slipped out, but he continued on, still grinning. “Like we are the trendiest new boy band in Britain right now. We even broke the YouTube record, you know.”

“I know. And it’s weird because since I heard about One Direction, it’s been all over the media. Tabloids, YouTube, Twitter, even the telly. I really don’t know how I was able to miss it before.”

“Maybe if you don’t expect to see something, you don’t pay too much attention it. You don’t see it, even when it just happens right in front of your eyes.” Harry said flatly, eyes aimed strictly on the wall behind Louis. His front teeth were boring in to his lower lip, sucking it into his mouth. Louis was one hundred percent sure Harry wasn’t talking about One Direction anymore and his heart ached.

“Harry…”

“How did you end up at our gig then?” Harry asked, ignoring Louis’ quiet plea.

”By chance?” Louis replied vaguely. To prevent Harry from asking anymore questions he quickly shot him a counter question. ”But how exactly you were able to spot me in the audience?”

”My friend Nick said he might show up, so I was looking around to see if I could find him.” Harry said shrugging his shoulders.

”And instead, you found me.” Louis stated and swallowed his query about Nick being Harry’s boyfriend. It wasn’t his business. No.

But the thought still made him feel sick.

”Yeah.”

”Disappointed?” Louis wanted to bite his tongue when he heard his own question escape his mouth.

”Should I be?” Harry cocked his head to the side while observing Louis.

”Wouldn’t be the first time.” Louis felt he was leading them straight out onto thin ice again.

”Yeah. You’re right about that.” Harry admitted. ”But this time—” Harry kept dramatic pause ”I wasn’t.”

”Why?” Louis asked and wanted to ask himself the same question. Why couldn’t he just drop the fucking subject and move on to some more neutral topics, like the weather or fishing? _Something_. But no, he just had to willingly dig his own grave a little bit deeper. He hadn’t known he was secretly a masochist, but apparently there was a perfectly good chance to learn something new about himself every day.

“I don’t know. Maybe I wanted to see you again.” Harry shrugged again trying to look nonchalant, but Louis didn’t buy it. Harry could be many things, but nonchalant wasn’t one of them. Not with their history. But for once, Harry was able to keep his poker face, leaving Louis to guess whether he was really showing his cards or just bluffing.

Louis’ eyes were still searching Harry’s face as he moved his gaze from the floor behind Louis’ chair where Harry had been staring, and for a brief moment their eyes locked. It didn’t last more than few seconds before they both quickly turned their heads to break it. But it was enough to make Louis’ heart bounce wildly. Like their guard was momentarily down. All the feelings had been visible, making it too intimate to bear. He felt the pain, hurt, and maybe even the love they had once shared.

But now it was too much to handle.

Louis wasn’t alone with the feeling. He watched Harry shoot up from his chair and rush to the bar. His cheeks looked rosy and flushed, and the tip of his right boot was restlessly tapping against the dark wood floor as he leaned his upper body against the counter, trying to catch the bartender’s attention.

Louis definitely understood his reaction, because just like Harry, he needed his own break as well. He pulled out his cigarettes and walked to the door, Harry’s slightly worried eyes following his every move. Louis gestured to him that he was going for a smoke and Harry seemed relieved at the explanation. Once Louis was outside, he rested his back against the brick wall and lit his cigarette, taking a long drag. The smoke was burning his lungs in the exact way he needed it to. He focused on the feeling and slowly blew the smoke out. He repeated the action until the cigarette filter started to feel too hot and burn his fingertips. He killed it on the brim of an ashtray and for a second, Louis even considered leaving Harry in the pub and walking home right now. It would have been the best solution, even if it would have hurt.

But this was Harry they were talking about. Louis closed his eyes for a short second, and took a deep breath. He grabbed the door knob and pushed the door open. Harry was already sitting at their table with two fresh pints, and his back towards the door. He still would have time to change his mind and leave. Especially since it would be so easy to let himself fall again and do something stupid.

But, of course, he didn’t.

Louis walked to the table, hesitation still following him with every step he took. Harry was playing with his phone when Louis reached the table and sat down. Harry looked up and shoved his phone back into his pocket.

“Bought you a pint.” He nodded towards foam capped drinks in front of them.

“Thanks.” Louis smiled him and took a small swig of his beer.

“You’re welcome.” Harry replied curtly. It wasn’t hard to notice he had pulled the mask on again and everything that had for a short moment been visible, was now heavily guarded. Louis didn’t know if he was disappointed or relieved, but maybe in this moment it was the best solution. He wasn’t ready for anything too deep, and neither was Harry.

“How did you end up in a band?” Louis decided to navigate them to smoother waters with a safe question.

“Right place at the right time, I guess.” Harry shrugged, and for a moment it looked like the conversation died there. But fortunately, Harry carried on and Louis sighed with relief.

“Nick’s friend owns a heap of music clubs, and one night he was missing an artist. Apparently, Nick had told him about me. How I play guitar and sing, so he asked if I wanted to play that night. Well, of course I did.” There was a soft smile that lingered on Harry’s lips as he reminisced on his story.

“Is that how you were discovered?”

“Yeah. There was a music scout in the audience who was working for Simon Cowell. He left Simon’s card with Nick, and told me to call him.” Nick. Harry was dropping that bloody name every other minute and it drove Louis crazy because he didn’t know who he was.

And yet, he didn’t dare ask. Louis just bit his tongue and continued with another question.

“But you were performing there alone, yeah?” Louis thought aloud, thinking he had missed something relevant in the story.

“Yeah.”

“But how did you end up in a band then?” Louis’s forehead furrowed with confusion.

“Simon had formed this band called 5 Seconds of Summer earlier the same year. He thought they were very talented and had potential, but he hadn’t signed them yet because there was something missing. Or it was later proved, someone.” Harry explained, and the pieces of the puzzle slowly started to connect.

“You?”

“Me.” Harry confirmed.

“I didn’t know you wanted to be in a band again since L—” Louis swallowed Liam’s name at the last moment and wanted to kick himself again. This time Harry fortunately decided to ignore it.

“I know, but Simon really didn’t give me a choice. It was the band, or, nothing.” Harry admitted rolling his pint between his palms.

“Do you like being in a band again?” Louis asked carefully.

“Of course! I think the guys are great and we get along really well. Not to mention we got the record deal!” Harry was smiling widely and for the first time his dimples were on full display. God, Louis had missed them so much. He would do anything to see them permanently on his face.

“But…?” Louis just knew there was a ‘but’. Don’t ask how.

“It’s been a bit weird.” Harry confessed, wincing slightly.

“What you mean weird?”

“It’s like, its their band. I feel like I’m an intruder there and besides that, Simon treats me — and makes everyone else — treat me like I’m the frontman of the band. Which I’m really not.”

“Harry.” Louis sighed. “What I saw tonight was five lads having a good time on stage. They all seemed happy, just like you did. I don’t think they ever even considered saying ‘no’ when they were told you would be joining them. _Together_ you got the record deal. _Together_ you are releasing a single. _Together_ you’re making an album. You need them just like they need you. I think you should stop worrying over nothing and just enjoy every moment you have.”

“You think so?” Harry asked timidly biting his lip.

 “Yeah, I’m positive.”

“Thanks, Lou. I really mean it.” Harry smiled at him beatifically and all Louis could do was smile back at him. He didn’t even feel offended when Harry suddenly finished his pint and called it a night, telling him he had to go now.

A couple of minutes later outside the pub, when Harry softly touched Louis’ forearm saying he had had a good time and wanted to see Louis again, it was second nature to agree.

***

The door closed with a muffled thump when Zayn walked out of their flat, leaving Louis curled on the bed feeling awful. All he wanted to do was kick and stomp out his frustration, because he was just too fucking tired for this whole situation they had going on at home. And now, it felt like they had just reached some kind of crossroad in their relationship and Louis didn’t know what to do with the information.

They didn’t fight much. No, because if you wanted to fight with someone, you actually had to see them. Or, it made it easier anyway. So, no. They didn’t fight today either. Louis almost hoped they had. Anger would have been so much easier to bear than the humiliation he was feeling right now.

If anything in their relationship, sex had always been amazing and something they both had been enjoying. It had been the basis of the relationship and now, it seemed to be out of the fucking window too. His throat was feeling too tight and hot tears stubbornly tried to escape from the corners of his eyes. He still couldn’t believe how they had ended up in a situation like this.

It had been so nice to wake up together for once. Louis had worked the night shift and Zayn had been wherever he had been with his friends, arriving home around the same time Louis did. They had slept until late that afternoon and when they had woken up, Louis had snuggled closer just to feel Zayn’s warmth next to him. He needed to be held. He needed to be touched. It had been way too long since they had sex, so Louis had started to kiss him slowly. The way he knew Zayn liked it.

Shoulder. Collarbone. Side of his throat.

He let his hands roam softly along the curves of Zayn’s body, going a little bit lower with every touch. He felt his own dick start to fatten and pushed himself closer, rutting infinitesimally against Zayn’s thigh. He had missed this so much.

“Stop it, Louis. I’m not in the mood now. Ok?” Zayn had suddenly pushed him away and got up without looking back.

“Ok.” Louis whispered so quietly he wasn’t even sure he said it aloud in the first place. He swallowed his tears and tried not to show how humiliated and unwanted he had felt in that moment. He crawled back under the duvet and in the darkness of the covers, where he didn’t have to face Zayn again.

So, Louis just laid under the duvet pitying himself. He heard when the shower was turned on, and then later when it turned off. The bathroom door was opened, and Zayn rattled around in the small hallway looking for something, probably his clothes. Some distant noises emanating from the kitchen were heard for a few moments, then the front door was unlocked, then followed by the sound of the door closing.

Then Louis was alone.

Maybe he was exaggerating the whole thing, and maybe Zayn had just been tired, but still it felt like he hadn’t just turned down Louis for sex, but their entire relationship. Or whatever was left of it. Louis didn’t even know why he was still holding on so tight to it. Truthfully speaking, it had been dead for ages, and bringing it back to life would take nothing short of a miracle.

And he hated it. He hated what his relationship had become. Despite the tumultuous feelings he had about it, he still longed for how it had once been. How much fun they had, the passion they had shared. All the talks that now had turned into this agonising silence. He missed Zayn.

And he missed Harry, too.

But he shouldn’t. He had never expected for all the old feelings to rush back after he had reconnected with Harry again. The feelings he shouldn’t be feeling. But yet, he couldn’t help them from appearing and there was nothing he could do to stop them.  

In what kind of world was this even fair? He should be focusing on saving his relationship with his boyfriend. Instead, he had been too busy pining for his ex, who happens to be his sort of brother-in-law too. He hated being like this. Why could he never be happy with what he had in that moment? Why did he always have the feeling that the grass was greener on the other side?

Not that he shouldn’t consider his own happiness, no. He just couldn’t let his past go either, because he didn’t want to hurt anyone. And his achilles heel was his inability to say ’no’ to anyone.

Including himself.

Louis kicked the covers off and jumped out of bed. His misery was starting to turn into irritation. If Zayn was allowed to leave, why the hell should he be sitting here just pitying himself, when he could go to a pub and get shitfaced instead. The only good thing in this mess was that Harry had been out of town for a week now. Otherwise it would have been too tempting to ring him up, and to be honest, in Louis’ current state of mind, it wouldn’t be good idea.

Not at all.

But it didn’t stop him from thinking about him. In the shower, for example. After the shower. And still, when he was already sitting in the pub, pint in front of him. But that was nothing new. For the last few weeks he hadn’t been able to push Harry out of his mind, not even if he had wanted.

Maybe he didn’t want to after all. Louis had no idea what he wanted from Harry either. And an even bigger question was, what did Harry want from him? Since that night when they had had couple of pints together after Harry’s gig, they had been texting almost daily and had seen each other several times too.

Harry had been really busy with their upcoming album. He and his bandmates had been traveling between London, Stockholm and Los Angeles whilst they were recording it, but whenever Harry was in London, he usually asked if Louis wanted to meet up. When their schedules were compatible, Louis was only too happy to agree.

Mainly they had just been sitting in cafés or walking in the parks and talking for hours. But still, Louis thought they were back at square one. Sometimes they took a few steps forward, only to take one giant leap back the next day. It was a weird emotional tug of war that left confusion and uncertainty in its wake.

There was a particular darkness in Harry’s beautiful eyes that Louis didn’t like. His face was smiling, even the dimples were there on the display, but the joy just didn’t quite extend up into his eyes. Louis  frequently wanted to raise his hand up and swipe it away, or even ask about it. But he didn’t. No, because he was too afraid to hear the answer. To be the reason for that speechless melancholy.

When Louis was having his third pint, being not nearly as drunk he wanted to be, his phone chimed with a notification of an incoming message. Harry. Louis barely had time to read the text that had appeared on the screen saying ‘Back in London. Where are you?’, when Harry’s caller ID started to flicker on the display impatiently.

“Hi!” Louis breathed on the phone with more enthusiasm than he was supposed to.

“Hi, Lou.” Harry chirped on the other end.

“I didn’t know you were back in London already.” Louis wondered.

“We finished shooting the video earlier than we were supposed to, so I took an earlier flight back.” Harry told. They had been filming the music video in California for their new single. It was difficult to hear him clearly as there was loud music playing in the background.

“Where are you?” Louis asked curiously.

“At Nick’s. He’s having a party!” Harry shouted shrilly.

“It’s six o’clock, Harry.”

“So what? The party started a bit earlier this time.” And apparently, the party had been going for a while, if Harry’s slight slur had anything to do with it.

“I just said it’s six.”

“With a judging tone.” Harry reminded.

“No, not really. I’m in a pub too.” Louis admitted taking a quick sip.

“You are?” Harry replied delighted. “With whom?”

“No one.”

“Why are you there all alone?” Harry sounded worried and Louis was able to visualise him with a froggy frown painted across his face right now.

“Just wanted to have some quality time with me self.” Louis sighed. It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“Hmmm.”

“What?”

“No, nothing. I was just thinking if you need some company, you could come here?” Harry asked nervousness transparent in his voice.

“To Nick’s?” Even though Louis learned that Nick was Harry’s former employer and just a friend, it still hadn’t totally removed the latent jealousy he was feeling towards him. Perhaps Harry sensed it too.

“Yeah. Is it a problem?”

“No, of course not.” Louis tried to convince Harry. Or maybe himself. “Would it be alright with him?”

“Absolutely! So, you’re coming?”

“Yeah, I’m coming.” Louis gave in.

“Brill! I’ll text the address. Ring me when you’re here.”

***

“Fucking hell!” Louis stared up at the gigantic house in front of him with wide eyes. “It’s a bloody palace!”

From what Harry had told him, Nick was well off. But what he failed to mention was he was filthy rich. Louis walked along the wide driveway leading from the gate to the front door. The grass was lush, bright green and cropped short. A couple of trees stood in the middle of the garden close to a small fountain. There was also a stone bench in the shadows of the hedges and Louis was tempted to go sit there and admire the view for a while. Before he had time to do anything, he heard a loud shout coming from the terrace of the house.

“Lou! Over here!” Harry waved his hands briskly over his head to get Louis’ attention. Like that had ever been a problem, Louis thought inwardly and gave Harry a tiny wave back. When Louis was a few steps away from the door, Harry hurried to hug him.

“You came!” He shrieked merrily and wrapped his long arms around Louis.

“Hi!” Louis hugged him back. It felt good to be hugged. Suddenly, bitter thoughts towards his boyfriend tried to invade his mind, but Louis pushed them away. Zayn had already ruined a couple of hours of his day, Louis wouldn’t him do the same for the rest of his night, either.

“Let’s go in.” Harry said and took Louis’ hand to lead him in. That was new and slightly confusing, but Louis didn’t mind. Maybe Harry was more drunk than Louis had thought, and it made him braver.

The foyer was massive, the biggest Louis had ever seen. Obviously, he doesn’t have a lot to compare it to, but he would be hard pressed to find a more grand entryway.

The music was loud and there were people everywhere. Beautiful people with beautiful clothes. Louis’ skinny jeans, hoodie and Vans combo made him look like had been dropped there from another planet. Harry on the other hand, it was as if he had been born to be one of them.

He was wearing a black, flowy blouse, which was unbuttoned halfway exposing his smooth chest. He had leg-hugging skinnies on and strutted around in leopard print boots that Louis hadn’t seen before. A cross necklace adorned his neck and the only other piece of jewellery paired with it was his thick silver ring on his middle finger, but the nail of his left pinkie was polished with a pale rose colour. His hair was as curly as ever and his eyes were bright and shining.

In one word, Harry looked stunning.

“Let’s get something to drink.” Harry said leading the way towards the table where all the booze in the world seem to be available. Someone passed a flute of Bollinger to Louis and Harry scooped up two glasses of red punch, giving the other to Louis. With champagne in one hand and a fruity cocktail in another, Louis followed Harry to the grand living room.

The champagne was excellent. It felt crisp and fizzy on his tongue, and Louis knew he could get used to it, however he had enough experience to know that it would give him a massive headache after a couple of flutes. But this one, he sipped slowly, savouring the taste.

The couch they sat on was impressive, like everything in Nick’s house seemed to be. Big, bold and expensive. He had imagined Nick to be the posh, glossy man who wore suits and ties all the time. When he finally saw Nick, Louis’ jaw dropped.

He was wearing the most faded, ripped jeans Louis had ever seen, he wasn’t even sure how they still were even holding up in one piece and his leather jacket was probably older than Louis. Nick himself was tall and his quiff reached the skies, making him look even taller. He had a quirky smile and flickering eyes as he eyed up Louis, an unlit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.

“Look, who we got here!” He greeted them. “You must be Louis then. Harry talks about you a lot.”

“I am.” Louis said stretching his hand out to shake Nick’s hand firmly. “Heard a lot about you, too.”

“All good, I hope.” Nick winked his eye.

“Absolutely. You seem to be the centre of his world.” Louis said dryly. Somehow Nick managed to annoy him already. Louis had no idea why.

“Nah, not me.” Nick winked again. Maybe there was something wrong with his eye and he couldn’t control his blinking, Louis huffed inwardly. “I think that title belongs to someone else.”

“Wonder who…” Louis mumbled trying to keep the blush away from his cheeks. He glanced carefully at Harry who suddenly seemed to be very interested in the drink in his hands but also his face looked more flushed than it had a moment ago. And Louis wasn’t sure if it was because of the drink he was sipping or Nick’s unsolicited comment.

“What the fuck?” Nick shouted when there was a loud crash coming from the next room. “I’m sorry, I have to go to check on that. It was nice to meet you, Louis.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Louis nodded politely.

“Be careful.” Nick said just before he turned and walked away.

“What that was supposed to mean?” Louis furrowed. It had almost sounded like a warning. But why was Nick warning him. Or was it aimed to both of them?

“Probably nothing. He’s a bit weird sometimes.” Harry shrugged, unbothered.

“Tell me about it…” Louis muttered and tipped the last drops of the red liquid into his mouth. It was nice and sweet, but now Louis needed something that didn’t make his fingers sticky and elevate his blood sugar level quite so high.

“Do you want to dance?” Louis asked when he saw a bunch of people throwing shapes in one of the rooms they passed by.

“Sure.” Harry shrugged lamely.

“Ok, I expect a little bit more enthusiasm than that. You can do better!” Louis demanded with a cheeky sparkle in his eyes.

“Oh, Louis. I love dancing! I have been waiting the whole night for this moment to arrive. Can we go now, Lou! Please!” Harry cheered in a mocking tone.

“That’s the attitude I was looking for.” Louis grinned. “Now, let’s have some fun!”

***

They had fun. It had been a while since Louis had been dancing, and even longer since he had done it with Harry. Even if it had been far away from the grinding and gyrating they used to do when they were in bars, it still had made Louis’ skin tingle with desire.

They had danced until they both needed a wee, and Louis had gone out for a smoke. When he came back, he hadn’t found Harry anywhere. He was most likely mingling with people, but Louis wasn’t in the mood to socialize anymore. He climbed the stairs leading to the upper floors and wandered around until he found a small room with no one in it.

He stepped inside and laid down on the sofa, resting the bottle of beer in his hand against his thigh. It was nice and quiet up there, all the hustle and bustle left behind the closed door. It was just too easy to close his eyes, let his mind go blank and just enjoy the feeling.

Yeah, that would have been ideal.

But amidst the pleasant silence, not so pleasant thoughts started to inch their way back into his mind. All that had transpired at home this afternoon. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, but yet it was. No one likes to get rejected, especially by their boyfriend. Maybe the effect of the alcohol in his veins had something to do with his slightly exaggerated feeling, but so what?

Louis wasn’t sure how long he had been there, alone with his miserable thoughts when someone slowly pushed the door open and walked in. Louis quickly hoisted himself up and turned to look who the intruder was. Not that he wouldn’t have guessed it even without looking.

“Hi.” Harry smiled timidly. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah. I was just resting a bit.” Louis smiled him back and made room for him on the sofa. Harry sat down on the other end facing Louis and curled up there like a sleepy kitten.

“I’ve been looking for you for for a while. You just disappeared and said nothing. I was worried about you.” He said in a small, soft tone.

“Sorry. I couldn’t find you either and then I just felt I needed some time alone.” Louis said taking his beer from the table and took a tiny sip. It was warm and tasted awful, but still Louis placed the bottle on his lap holding the long neck between his fingers.

“Why?” Harry had always been a bit of a worrier and this time didn’t seem to be an exception either when he tried to get answers.

“No reason. It was just so loud down there.” Louis replied, nodding nonchalantly towards the lower level where the muffled music was blaring.

“Since when has a little bit of music bothered you?” Harry furrowed his eyes, keeping them glued to Louis’ face. “You sure everything is alright? You seem a bit… off.”

“I’m fine.” Louis assured more to the bottle in his hands than to Harry.

“Seriously, Lou.”

“It’s nothing.” Louis replied. And in a way it was the truth. It was nothing, it shouldn’t be this big fucking deal, but now the whole Zayn-incident was stuck in his mind and was playing in there like a broken record over and over again.

“Oh, c’mon! I know you better than that. Something is bothering you.” Harry sat up slightly and leaned in, giving Louis all his attention.

Louis shrugged without looking at him. This was a topic he never even considered telling Harry, and yet the words were just seconds away from slipping out of his mouth, just waiting for the disaster they would cause.

“Why don’t you just tell me?” Harry asked softly.

“You don’t want to know. Trust me.” That anyway, wasn’t a lie.

“How can you be so sure?”

“I am. Just leave it.” Louis barely swallowed the harsh laugh that tried to escape, but was able to sound firm enough for Harry to drop the subject.

“No!” _Or not then_ , Louis winced unnoticeably.

“Harry.” He warned, instead.

“Just fucking tell me. I’m an adult. I can handle whatever it is.” Harry’s voice was demanding.

_You’re wrong_ , Louis thought. _You can’t handle this, baby. Not this._ But still he couldn’t stop himself.

“He rejected me.” Louis whispered biting his lip, head bowed down and chin resting on his chest.

“Pardon…?” Harry furrowed, like he didn’t hear right.

“He rejected me. Didn’t want to have sex with me.” Louis repeated fingers boring into the brown glass.

“What—?” Harry’s voice sounded like a snap in the quiet room.

“You heard me.” Louis said flatly.

“You’re talking about—” Harry asked with an eerily even voice.

“Yes, I’m talking about Zayn.” There was no point in trying to lie anymore. What was said, was said.

“Why do you think I’d want to hear anything about him?” Harry’s voice was steely and intimidating, eyes narrowed with anger when Louis finally raised his own gaze to meet Harry.

“Hey, you asked me, no, begged me to tell you.” Louis reminded him placing the bottle back on the table with a loud knock, irritation bubbling just underneath.

“Not about him!” Harry shouted back, his shoulders stiffened and face steeled.

“Shall I remind you, not ten fucking seconds ago you told me you could handle anything. I guess you aren’t as ‘mature’ as you thought you’d be.” Louis sneered, head slightly tilted giving Harry a smug smile.  

“Don’t you fucking patronise me!” Harry pushed his pointed index finger so close it was almost touching Louis’ face and Louis only scarcely kept himself from grabbing it. Harry was faster this time and pulled his hand back, his eyes still ablaze with fury.

“I’m not patronising. Just repeating what you told me. ‘Tell me, Louis. I can handle it, Louis. I’m a big boy, Louis.’” Louis mimicked knowing well he was irritating Harry with his every word, but he just couldn’t help it. He knew he was begging for a fight, and without a doubt, he was well on his way to getting one. “Well, guess what. I was right, wasn’t I?”

“Fuck off!” Harry shouted with a stormy expression.

“Oh, look who’s so adult.” Louis mocked him, flinching back when Harry suddenly pushed himself up from the sofa ready to leave.

“And now you’re leaving!” Louis laughed aggressively, his head tilted back. “You’re just like him. Must run in the family. Running away.”

“What did you just say?” Harry spanned around.

“Just that you and he are surely cut from the same cloth.” Louis stood up too, now standing just a few feet away from a sinister-looking Harry.

“How fucking dare you.” Harry hissed between his teeth, staring at Louis for a few seconds, vacillating on whether he should hit him or not, then clearly deciding ‘no’ and once again turned to walk away briskly without looking back.

“Easily. I’ve seen you both walk away when situations get tough. So, just telling the truth…” Louis scorned, shrugging his shoulders. Whatever Louis had expected, it wasn’t for Harry to stop near the window, and start punching his fist against the wall again and again.

“Harry, stop it!” Louis rushed to grab his hand, to prevent him from hurting himself further.

“Don’t you fucking dare touch me!” Harry screamed shaking Louis’ hand away like it was burning his skin, but he stopped anyway.

“You’re hurting yourself.” Louis said now with much mellower tone.

“Like you even fucking care Louis!” Harry retorted leaning his forehead against the wall, panting heavily.

“Of course, I care. I always have.” Harry turned to look at Louis holding onto his bruised knuckles with his other hand, still looking furious.  

“No! The only person you care about is yourself. If you cared about the other person, you wouldn’t have cheated on them! You don’t fuck with their br— or whatever! You don’t move in with him! And you definitely don’t complain to the one you cheated on about how the guy you cheated on him with won’t put out anymore! So just...fuck you, Louis!” Harry dropped to the floor on his knees and the sobs were bursting out uncontrollably. Louis had never felt so badly in his entire life.

“Harry…” Louis swallowed thickly and braved squatting on the floor next to him. He hesitated only a little before he placed his hand cautiously on Harry’s slender shoulder.

“I hate you!” Harry snivelled and tried feebly to squirm away from Louis’ touch, but Louis didn’t let him. Instead he carefully pulled Harry closer and wonder of wonders, Harry let him. His posture was stiff, but least he let Louis hold him.

“I care about you, Harry. A lot. I’m so, so sorry what I said to you. But I’m even more sorry for what I did. You have every right to be pissed at me.” Louis said petting Harry’s hair carefully. He seemed to relax a bit and nestled himself closer on Louis’ shoulder.

“I hate you.” Harry sobbed again, but there wasn’t so much animosity behind it now than in the moment before.

“You have every right to. I hate myself too. For doing what I did to you.” Louis whispered letting his cheek delicately press against Harry’s head.  

“Why you did it then? Why did you want to ruin everything we had?” Harry asked with muffled tone, feeling so tiny in Louis’ arms.

“I— I thought you were just having fun with me. Experiencing a bit of your newfound sexuality.” Louis had thought about it a lot. Why he did it in the first place. He still didn’t have all the right answers, but maybe this was the closest he had gotten to the truth.

“I told you I loved you. How does that imply I’m ‘just having fun’?” Harry raised his head and turned his tear-stained face towards Louis.

“You don’t want to know.” Louis sighed again.

“Yeah, you are probably right about that. But I also deserve the truth, don’t you think?” Harry said sadly lowering his eyes on the floor.

“Yeah. You do.” Louis gulped, closing his eyes for a moment before popping them open and taking a better look at a defeated-looking Harry. “Ok. Could you sit down?” Louis patted the floor between them and Harry surprisingly, nodded a ‘yes’. Louis crossed his legs and saw Harry doing the same.

“I had first met him before you and I had even met. December, I guess. It was some party and we talked and — you know.” Louis cleared his throat and forced himself to look at Harry, but he was staring with empty eyes at his fingers that rested on his lap.

“It was just that one time. Then a couple of months later, I met you. I think we hit it off almost immediately when we had a chance to really talk. But I guess you know that, you were there too.” Louis tried to joke but didn’t get any response. Not that he had even expected. It was lame and not even funny, he knew it himself too.

“Then you came out to me and it changed a lot of things. In more than one way, I would say. Our friendship turned into a relationship at some point. The first kiss. Sex. All that. I knew you liked me—”

“Loved you.” Harry corrected him automatically, but still refusing to look.

“Loved me. And I loved you too, I hope you know that. But I think that’s one reason why I got so scared. It was all happening so fast. Almost too fast. And you were still so young and had just realised you’re gay. It didn’t feel right to tie you up in a relationship with someone so much older than you, without you having a chance to explore your options and have fun before settling down with someone.”

“You talk like you were fifty or something. You are only four years older, for fuck’s sake.” Harry said abruptly taking a first teeny peek at Louis in a long time.

“But at the time it felt so much bigger in me head.” Louis huffed out a breath.

“Was it the reason why you started things up with him again?” Harry still hadn’t said Zayn’s name once, Louis noticed.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“How?” Harry blurted out next.

“We saw each other by chance.” Louis felt it was important for Harry to know it hadn’t been intentional since the beginning. Or was it just himself, he was trying to convince.

“When?”

“In May.”

“May?” Harry’s voice broke slightly.

“Yeah.”

“So, two months…” Louis didn’t even have to look. Just from hearing Harry’s voice, he knew he was crying again.

“Hope you had a good laugh behind my back!” Harry sniffed when he jumped up and tried to leave. He didn’t get too far when Louis caught up to him and grabbed his forearm to turn him around.

“I didn’t know he was your brother. I swear. I only found out at your mum’s.” They were now facing each other, Louis hands slowly sliding up the sides of each arm.

“It doesn’t make a difference, Louis. You cheated. Full stop.” Harry said desperately.

“I know.” Louis said flattening his palms on Harry’s chest, feeling his heart hammering under his touch.

“I hate you.” Harry whispered. His fingers brushed lightly over the back of Louis’ hands, but they didn’t stop there. They were moving higher up his arms and neck until they were resting on Louis’ cheeks. Suddenly Harry cupped his face tightly and pressed his lips onto Louis’, mumbling one more time ‘I hate you’ into his mouth.

His kiss was angry and hard, nothing like their kisses used to be. They had usually been sweet, like little touches of summer berries, but now there was nothing sweet about them. Harry roughly pushed him up against the wall, caging Louis in with his body, his tongue penetrating deeper into Louis’ mouth, who after being momentarily caught off guard, let it happen.  

_God, I missed this_ , Louis thought, and a small whimper involuntarily escaped his mouth. For Harry the sound seemed to strike him like a thunderbolt. He stiffened for a second, almost as if he now just realised what he was doing. He stared at Louis, eyes big and wide and then captured Louis’ lips again with his own.

But this time it felt different. The kiss wasn’t so much softer, but it was full of want and lust as Harry licked and tasted Louis’ mouth eagerly. He ran his hands along Louis’ jawline, fingertips leaving a heated trail behind. Louis tipped his head back exposing the column of his throat and allowing Harry better access which he took immediately.

Harry nibbled his way down slowly, his breath hot on Louis’ skin. His big hands slipped under Louis’ hoodie to touch the warm skin underneath and pulled it off swiftly. A sudden light breeze of cool air made Louis shiver and he wanted to feel the warmth of Harry’s body again.

He grabbed him from the back of Harry’s head, fingers sliding into his hair. Louis tugged him slightly pulling him closer and making their lips meet deftly in the middle again, Harry’s hands tightly wrapping around Louis’ hips, pressing him against the wall again. They were panting into each other’s mouths, tongues fighting frantically like neither of them wanted the other one to win.

Louis wanted to see Harry. Naked, without any piece of clothing blocking the view he had missed so much. He unfastened the remaining buttons and glided the thin blouse over his shoulders letting it fall to the floor next to them. Louis thumbs easily found the round, pink nipples and brushed the erect nubs, making Harry moan gutturally.

Harry rutted himself against Louis, his cock already hard and twitching in his tight jeans. Louis’ own dick was throbbing and ready to explode at any second.

“Touch me, Harry! Please, just touch me.” Louis begged, panting heavily with his shoulders still resting against the wall, tilting his hips forward, providing Harry easy access. Harry dragged his finger up slowly, starting from the inseam of Louis’ jeans and stopping to give a small squeeze to his dick on the way up. Louis made a high-pitched moan and hit his head on the wall when Harry’s touch involuntarily made his head tip back like he had just been given an electric shock. The need was killing him, and every one of Harry’s slow moves felt like torture. Blissful, merciless torture.

Fortunately, Harry didn’t want to wait anymore. He popped the button of Louis’ jeans, unzipping them immediately and yanking them down along with his boxers, finally freeing Louis’ dick. He quickly stepped out of his jeans and kicked them away onto the floor. Harry followed his lead and stripped off his own jeans.

Harry was so beautiful. His body was more muscular than it had been before. The baby fat that adorned his hips before had melted away, just leaving tiny, endearing love handles on his hips. His cock was big and pink, a lovely bead of pre-come already gleaming on the top when Louis stuck out his hand to wrap it around the smooth silkiness.

Louis gave a few tentative tugs. Harry groaned, fitting his lips again onto Louis’ and kissing him roughly. He pushed himself against Louis’ body so fiercely, Louis lost his grip. It didn’t seem to bother Harry who grabbed Louis’ bum and rolled his hips forward colliding their dicks together. But the touch wasn’t enough. Nothing felt enough. Louis guts were screaming for liberation in the form of coming. He was so close even if they had barely touched. The mere thought of Harry’s hand around him almost pushed him over the edge.

“Touch— Me—” Louis panted with a thick voice, all other words stuck in his throat, just lonely moans escaping between the messy kisses.

Finally, the gods of lust heard his prayers and Harry wrapped his enormous hands around both their dicks and started to jerk them off slowly. So slowly at first that Louis thought he was going to die under his touch. But even Harry’s patience wasn’t eternal, and his pulls were getting faster and faster at an almost manic pace. Their moans filled the air when their foreheads pressed together, both of them racing to find the relief they both needed so badly.

Louis gripped Harry’s hair tugging it so hard his head tilted back and that was enough to skyrocket Harry over the edge with a loud, surprised scream. Louis wrapped his hand around his own dick and few small well aimed tugs soon created a boiling white flash that sent him careening into heaven alongside Harry.

Moments later, as they laid on the rug, still naked and come drying on their stomachs, Louis couldn’t help but pull Harry closer and kiss him again. Now softer and slower, when the anger had melted away.

“I still hate you though.” Harry smiled in his afterglow.

“I know. But if you show your hate like this, I think I can manage it.” Louis smiled and leaned to kiss him one more time.

“If you can’t manage my hate, how could you ever survive my love then?”

_I probably wouldn’t_ , Louis thought before he voiced “Maybe I have to get used to your hate first then?” Louis grinned. “Want to show it again?”

And of course, Harry did.

***

After that, there was no going back.

The weeks that had passed by since they had hooked up, had undoubtedly been the best Louis has had for ages. It had been easy to slide back together with Harry, just like it had been when they had been younger.

Of course, now there was this unspoken subject hanging over them. Louis knew he should have left Zayn right after he had sex with Harry in the first place, but somehow, he couldn’t do it. Not, when back home Zayn had waited for him with a bouquet of red roses and a heartfelt apology for his behaviour. They had talked about their relationship and Zayn had finally opened up about the stress he was going through at work and the pressures he had placed on himself to become a successful artist. It had also been Louis’ chance to confess what had he done, but the words had refused to come out.

And obviously, he should have stopped seeing Harry. But frankly speaking, it was never an option. It was not unlike a moth to a flame. For Louis, Harry had that similar magnetic draw that he simply couldn’t resist.

Not back then, and definitely not now.

They could talk for hours while lying in Harry’s big bed in his new flat. They could talk about everything, except about anything that included Zayn. At first, Louis had tried, but soon noticed it fell on deaf ears. Perhaps, Harry had got it all out of his system when they had fought at Nick’s, but somehow Louis doubted it. But at the same time, there was nothing he could do if Harry refused to talk, or even to listen.

Louis sighed and tightened his grip on the bottle of wine he was carrying in a brown paper bag. There was a young girl on the other side of the road peeking towards the house Harry was living in. He stood there a while until she noticed Louis was watching her and she quickened her pace. It wouldn’t be the first time that some of Harry’s fans had loitered near his house.

Usually Harry just smiled at them and their wide-eyed admiration, but Louis also knew he was pleased when people had started to recognise him. It was fun, new and exciting. But if their success was about to blow up after their single would be released, Louis knew he would soon have to say goodbye to his privacy. But for now, his management had encouraged him to take as many pictures with the fans as possible and be active and engaging with them on social media.

What they had also said was he should keep his mouth shut about his sexuality and avoid any rumours about it. Harry had obeyed, and in turn Louis was hurt. As that push back into the closet had been one more reason for them to keep their relationship a secret. In the evening when it was dark, they snuck out a few times to the parks of Primrose Hill, laid on the grass and stared up at the stars, but mostly they met in the privacy of Harry’s flat.

That was where Louis was heading now, and for the first time, Louis was going to stay the night. Their schedules still weren’t the easiest to sync. A couple of hours every now and then was piece of cake, but overnights were different. Not that Harry had really even asked before. He probably wasn’t ready for it earlier. Louis wasn’t proud that he had lied to Zayn, telling him he was going to stay the night at Lottie’s, but here he was now quietly knocking on the door to Harry’s second floor flat, a small backpack hanging around his shoulders.   

The building Harry lived in now was a modern looking grey stone building with huge glass windows, just a stone’s throw away from lush Regent’s Park. The white modern look continued throughout the flat too.

“Hey, come in.” Harry smiled and pulled Louis into the rectangular hallway and gave him a small peck on his lips.

“Hi, I bought some wine.” Louis shoved the bottle towards Harry, who curiously checked the label and nodded approvingly. Louis had never considered himself a sommelier by an means, but Harry liked wine and the girl in the shop had recommended this particular one.

Louis took off his shoes and followed Harry into the luminous open concept kitchen-slash-living room. The kitchen area was white and shiny, with a massive cooker in the middle of the countertop. The hardwood floor was a light tone adding to the feeling of space. There was a square shaped dining table in front of line of cupboards, but not once had they sat at it to eat a meal.

They always had their meal snuggled next to each other on the overstuffed, dark grey canvas sofa. And for some weird reason, they always had difficulties finishing their meals. Or they just ate them later once they had gotten cold. But it really didn’t matter. They were together, and it was all that counted in that moment.

Louis knew it was crazy, how fast he had fallen for Harry again. Or had he ever even fallen out? He wasn’t sure. Lust and passion had been a different thing, but when he had realised how deep his feelings truly were, it should have been the catalyst to end his relationship with Zayn. Even if his feelings hadn’t been mutual for Harry. Louis thought they both were still too timid to admit the truth about their love for each other, but it was just matter of time, Louis was sure.

“Are you hungry yet?” Harry asked from the kitchen, stirring Louis from his thoughts.

“Not really. Maybe in couple of hours, or so? If it’s fine with you?” Louis replied turning to look at Harry instead of staring out of the window.

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll just put the chicken on low in the oven for later. Want to watch a film, or something?” Harry asked plopping on the couch and patting the cushion next to him.

“Or something is always good option.” Louis smirked at a now-blushing Harry.

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I know, but I wouldn’t mind it either.” Louis grinned.

“Me neither but is it ok if we watch the film first? I know this sounds stupid, but most of the times we just jump straight to sex, not that I’m complaining, but now when we have the whole night, I want to have the date-night feeling that should accompany it. Just do the normal things that couples do.” Harry explained looking embarrassed.

“Harry, no. That’s not stupid at all.” Louis assured him. “You think of us as a couple?”

“Don’t you?” Harry counter questioned eyes roaming over Louis’ face.

“Yeah, I do.” Louis admitted with a smile.

“Good.” Harry said, with a satisfied smile spreading on his face.

“Good.” Louis turned to give Harry a kiss before snuggling closer to him, humming happily. “Very, good.”

***

“This was so nice, Lou.” Harry said happiness shining on his face as they walked back to Harry’s house from the park. After they had watched the film and actually finished their meal, Harry had suggested they go to the Park for a walk.

Walking around the park wasn’t something that was new to them, but Harry holding Louis’ hand in public, sure was. It was dark, and not many people were around, and those who were most likely to recognise him, should have been home ages ago. But it still felt like a brave move on Harry’s part, and Louis didn’t object. It felt nice and normal to stroll hand in hand, so it was easy for Louis to agree to what Harry asked next.

“Can I take a picture of us?” Harry asked suddenly.

“Of course. Are you ready?” Louis asked crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out.

“Lou!” Harry exclaimed. “Could we just have a normal one? Please.”

“Ok. Come here, love.” Louis said pulling the younger lad closer and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“One more.” Harry asked after a few shots and when he looked at the screen, he looked pleased.

“Let me see.” Louis said taking the phone from Harry. “This is a good one!”

“Yeah, I think so too.” Harry said, with a bittersweet smile on his lips, as he looked at the picture of them pressed cheek to cheek, smiling blissfully with joy in their eyes. Harry bit his lip and shoved the phone back in his pocket.

“You alright?” Louis asked.

”We just look so happy.” Harry whispered in quiet voice.

”Is it a bad thing? You sound sad.”

”No, of course not.” Harry’s throat bobbed visibly. ”I’m just getting a bit sentimental, I guess.”

”You have always been such a romantic, haven’t you.” Louis teased him softly.

”Yeah.” Harry said curtly. ”I am.” He added with a smile after a small pause.

”Lucky you, then. Because I happened to know the perfect way to end the perfect date night.” Louis winked. ”Want to find out what it might be?”

“Obviously.” Harry finally grinned and gripped Louis’ hand tightly. “Can’t wait to find out!”

***

“I want you to fuck me.” Harry said to Louis when they were kissing on the bed both already half hard.

“Are you sure?” Louis asked cautiously. This was the first time since they’ve got together again that Harry wanted to bottom. Not that Louis would say ‘no’, but he wanted to be certain that it was something Harry really wanted. Before, he had actually preferred that position, but he hasn’t shown any interest for it this time around.

Not until now.

“Yeah, I’m positive.” His pupils were already dilated, like the mere thought of it made him aroused.

“Ok, yeah, ok we can do that.” Louis said mostly to himself. Suddenly this all felt really significant, almost like it was their first time again. With slightly trembling hands, Louis took the lube and condoms from the bedside table and put them carefully on the bed next to an already naked Harry.

“You can always say if you want me to stop. You know that, don’t you?”

“I know, Lou. Like you know, I’m not a blushing virgin anymore. We have done this before. Many times, may I add. Remember?”

“Yeah, of course.” Louis said and crawled closer to Harry. He cupped his cheek and kissed him slowly, taking advantage of all the time they had. They kissed until Harry was a trembling mess beside him. The little noises and whines Harry made shot straight down to Louis’ dick, but he ignored it altogether. This was now about Harry, and only Harry. He would get his own pleasure from making Harry feel worshipped.

Louis ran his finger over his pulse point and stopped for a moment to feel the fluttering underneath his fingertip. He gave it the slightest press before he moved lower. Louis was kneeling on the bed, Harry’s thigh between his legs when his hands led the way and his lips left a trail of butterfly kisses on Harry’s lean torso.

When Louis’ mouth was finally aligned with Harry’s gorgeous cock, he didn’t wait any longer, sucking the head into his mouth leaving Harry writhing on the bed, whining a high-pitched noise. Louis held his hips still with his lithe hands, and let his tongue swirl around the tip tasting and licking, until he slowly swallowed down all the way. He relaxed his throat and made quick bobs while Harry squirmed on the bed trying to stay still under Louis’ grip.

Louis quickened his pace, as he hollowed his cheeks and sucked the life out of Harry through his dick. He sucked until Harry grunted in a way that Louis knew he was close. He let his cock slip out of his mouth and Harry made a disappointed whine when the tight, wet heat of his mouth was gone, and his cock was suddenly left neglected.

Louis hoisted himself up to kiss Harry on the lips, saliva and pre-come still dripping from his mouth. It didn’t seem to bother Harry to taste himself on Louis’ tongue.

“Want to feel my fingers inside?” Louis whispered into his ear and nibbled Harry’s earlobe making him moan even louder.

“I take that as a ‘yes’” Louis said making a small mark below his ear before he grabbed the lube and clicked the cap open.

“Yes, yes.” Harry panted and very eagerly bent his legs open to give Louis greater access to his pink hole. Louis rubbed the lube between his fingers to warm it up a bit before he moved his hand between Harry’s parted legs.

“Ready?” Louis asked, and Harry lifted his hips once to meet Louis’ fingers faster.

Louis pressed the pad of his index finger to Harry’s entrance and started to push his well-lubed finger slowly inside. The deeper Louis’ finger was penetrating, the louder Harry was getting. Louis knew Harry always had a small pain kink, so he wasn’t too worried about being rough. But he didn’t want to hurt him either, Louis kept a close eye on Harry’s facial expressions to see if anything was too much.

Louis swirled his finger inside Harry, rubbing and carefully stretching the tense muscular circle around his entrance. Soon he was able to add another finger next to the first one and created more blissful pressure for Harry. Louis worked his fingers slowly, taking time to get Harry loose. When he crooked his finger, Harry jolted and a surprised cry escaped his mouth. Louis kept rubbing and tapping at his prostate carefully until Harry was asking for one more finger.

It was hard for Louis to keep the focus on Harry when his own dick was throbbing and aching between his legs. As though Harry had read his thoughts, he tossed the condom to Louis giving him the go ahead with a nod. Louis pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheet to get a better grip on the foil package. After a few tries he finally managed to tear it open. He rolled the condom down his cock and covered it with a massive amount of lube. Louis settled himself between Harry’s legs and aligned his cock with Harry’s hole. He leaned down to kiss him again, savouring the moment before he gives in to all the pleasure and gets swept away in what’s to come.

”Lou, please. Fuck me now. _Please_.” Harry begged and suddenly Louis felt like he was back in his old bedroom in Manchester, with a nineteen year old Harry. There was the same look in his eyes, the same innocence and love mixed with fragility. All the things Louis hadn’t seen in Harry since rekindling what they had. Gone was the cynicism and trepidation that often comes from a broken heart. The wish that Louis had made for his walls to be lowered again now seemed to have finally been granted.

At an agonisingly slow pace, Louis pushed inside Harry and when he bottomed out, he stilled himself, giving them both time to adjust to the overwhelming feeling. He filled the time kissing Harry until he thrusted his hips, tentatively at first, then a little bit bolder.

“Fuck me.” Harry demanded. His eyes were wide and forehead glimmered with sweat, mouth slightly agape as Louis finally pounded his hips against his arse with full force.

“Oh, God.” It was Louis’ own voice moaning when he was finally able to get the friction he so desired for himself too. He rolled his hips in figure eights, getting deeper and deeper with every thrust.

He captured Harry’s sweaty hands with his own and intertwined their fingers together. He pressed them down on the mattress next to Harry’s head, leaning his elbows on the bed too. His hips were churning relentlessly and their kisses changed to a sloppier version, with only their tongues touching. Every thrust was hurdling them closer to the finish line.

He was hitting Harry’s prostate with every grind he made. Tears were falling from Harry’s eyes and the moans he made sounded debauched. The rolling boil he was feeling in his own guts started to become unbearable. Louis freed his right hand and fisted it between their bodies. He wrapped his fingers around Harry’s angry red cock and started to jerk him off without disturbing the cadence of his hips.

It didn’t take long before Harry started to shake uncontrollably and shot his load in Louis’ hand with a frantic shout. Louis pulled himself out, got rid of the condom and jacked off until he came up onto his own belly with a load grunt. He collapsed on top of Harry, panting hard, stars still whiting out his vision.

They laid there quietly until the drying come started to feel itchy, and Harry swiped them clean with a few wet wipes. They should probably shower but they both felt too tired and too saited to leave the bed. It didn’t take more then few minutes for them to fall asleep. The last thought Louis had, was that he could get used to this.

“I love you.” Louis whispered sleepily, but never got an answer back.

***

The morning they had was lovely. They had slept in, made love one more time before showering with one more blowjob each. They had been too lazy to make breakfast and Harry had ordered them some Chinese for brunch. Louis was in the kitchen making himself a cup of tea when the doorbell rang.

”Lou, could you get the door? Money is on the counter.” Harry shouted from the bedroom.

“Yeah, no problem.” Louis took the notes from the table and padded to the door. He was only wearing sweatpants, but he was sure the delivery guy had seen worse than this, Louis thought unlocking the door.

He pulled the door open and his mouth went dry. The money he was holding in his hands floated down to the floor with deafening silence.

”Zayn…” Louis whispered, staring at his boyfriend who was looking as gobsmacked as Louis himself. This couldn’t be happening. No. What was he even doing here in the first place? There were too many questions circulating in Louis mind.

There was a slight movement behind Louis. He could only imagine how astounded Harry would be. Zayn’s gaze was already aimed at Harry and carefully, Louis turned to look at him too.

Harry was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed against his chest, wearing nothing but a pair of tiny black boxers, bitemarks colouring his bare chest. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t seem to be surprised at all. He had a smug smile on his face when he stared at Zayn but refused to meet Louis’ eyes.

One look at Harry was enough for Louis to know that this wasn’t a coincidence, it was the look of willful revenge in Harry’s eyes that broke Louis’ heart the most. It was all orchestrated and Harry was the conductor.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the end notes for additional trigger warnings.  
> The tour dates in this chapter aren't in canonical order, this is fiction after all.

[ Apulanta - Armo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOCQr7o2nnI)

Chapter 7

Harry

 

_“Pahat enteet hiljaisuuden kaiken täyttää_  
_Niin tuskaisen läsnä joka hetki vaikka pään pois kääntää_  
_Vaikka sulkisi silmät kuva säilyy eikä mee minnekään_  
_Muttei silti tule luo vaan tuijottaa tuijottamistaan”_

 

***

 

_San Diego, February 2015_

 

Harry was sitting on the sofa in his dressing room, his head tipped back against the soft fabric of the backrest. His eyes were closed as he listened the crowd in the arena screaming wildly as they waited for One Direction to start their show, roaring and yelling with reckless abandon. If you asked Harry, it was one of the best sounds ever. Maybe the only thing that could top that was the actual moment he stepped out onto the stage and heard the screams as they went from loud to deafening. But that’s pretty much it.

Harry sipped coffee from the pink ceramic mug he was holding between his palms without opening his eyes and smiled. That moment was just a few minutes away. The opening act had stopped playing and the stage was ready for them. Harry was already dressed - black skinnies paired with a classic white t-shirt, and finished off with a pair of brown suede boots. His hair was flowing onto his shoulders soft and wavy, Lou had done good job once again. The boys were now in the hallway, Harry could hear them talking quietly just outside his dressing room. He should go too, but he wanted to have this brief time to himself. Hoping it would never end.

These little moments before the show were the ones Harry waited for and loved the most. The adrenaline started pumping through his veins faster with every passing second, and he felt like he was alive again. It always felt as though a cage of butterflies were fluttering about in his stomach, no matter where or when he was performing. Over the last four years, they had performed on hundreds of stages, from small, private ones to the huge stadiums like tonight. It was all good, but Harry had never been able to tame the stage fright he had from the very beginning. It was only when the actual moment arrived when he saw the crowd, that those butterflies were released from their cage, and the feeling was all gone and forgotten. He just felt the happiness, freedom and pure joy that filled him within when he was on stage. These were the moments when he was living his dream over and over again. He had all the power in the world and he loved it.

He loved these moments because he could abandon himself for the night, and don a new persona. The one without the tremendous weight on his shoulders, the one without the crippling broken heart and the “shameful” secret he was hiding every day. No, he was now a trademark called Harry Styles™ and for a moment he was able to forget the pain; to be carefree. But when lights went off, everything changed again. Harry tried to enjoy it for as long as it lasted.

“Harry, c’mon. We have to go.” Luke’s voice cut through his reverie, interrupting his private moment. He opened his eyes slowly and produced a loud sigh. His mug was almost empty and cooled down when he glanced at it. He reached for the bottle of rum on the table and added a splash of it in to his coffee. With one big gulp he drank the contents and placed the empty cup on the small table in front of the sofa. He swiped the traces of the white substance off the table and checked to make sure there was nothing for curious eyes to discover should someone try to have a peek inside of famous Harry Styles’ dressing room backstage.

His legs felt a bit wobbly as he made his way to the hallway where the other boys waited for him, Michael and Ashton hung a little further back to talk to Paul, their tour manager. But Harry saw them all looking at him from a distance, with concern in their eyes when he appeared from behind the thick curtain that divided their dressing rooms.

“What?” Harry asked, irritation laced in his voice. Nowadays they seem to be watching every damn step Harry was taking, and to tell the truth, it was fucking annoying. Couldn’t they mind just their own business every once in awhile?

“Nothing.” Calum turned his head quickly away, but Harry saw them continue to sneak looks his way.

“Is everyone ready?” Ashton asked, stepping closer before Harry had time to say anything else. When he got the nod from everybody, he straightened his hand for their traditional group handshake. One by one each of them laid their right hand on the pile. When everyone was done they bounced their hands down a little bit before swinging them up in the air again with the shout “Let’s go!”

The other boys rushed towards the stage and Harry watched as they disappeared through the door. The screams which emanated from the audience had already reached another level as the band members had popped up on the stage one by one.

Harry didn’t rush, he was always the last one to show up. He enjoyed keeping the audience on edge for a second before strutting out onto the stage like a peacock bristling his tail, making everybody mad. It was moments like that stroked his ego and roused his inner narcissist and Harry loved the reaction it had caused. He knew the entire stadium was screaming directly for him. He wasn’t even able to explain how it made him feel. It was something one had to experience for themself.

Underneath it all, though, when you remove the glitz and glamour and the bright lights, Harry really, really loved being in the band, with his boys. They had woven into one tight family over the years, even if they annoyed each other from time to time. But it’s something family member’s do. Their success had been incredible, so much more than Harry or anyone of the boys could have ever even dared to imagine. Countless awards, their fourth world tour, _On the Road Again,_ already in progress, with a fifth album on the way. Everything they had done, had been a home run in one way or another. Nothing could have held them back.

Nothing _is_ holding them back.

As the opening chords of “Clouds” broke into the air, Harry walked next to the mic stand, ready to start.

“Good evening, San Diego!” He screamed. He really lived for the shows. He loved to flirt and interact with the audience, and most of all, he loved to sing. The stage was his happy place where nothing bad could happen.

Or at least he had thought so.

Everything went well until the last few minutes of the show. There had been a pleasant buzzing in his head all evening and Harry was in a great mood. His legs had been a bit shaky but nothing too bad. They were starting “Through the Dark” when it happened. Harry was moving across the stage holding the microphone stand in his hand when he felt it catch on something and he was one second away from losing his balance. He managed to avoid falling on his face, but while trying to keep himself up, he ended up crashing straight down on his back as he slammed down on the hard stage floor.

It didn’t hurt, but still he laid there on his back, like a turtle on its back in the sand, knees bent up in the air and arms spreading out to his sides like a pair of wings, unable to get up without help. In fact, he didn’t want to get up. It was just so nice and comfy to lay on the floor and see the colourful spotlights above the stage. They were like stars and Harry stared at them, a soft smile caressing his lips. Then someone rudely blocked his view.

“Fucking hell, H!” Luke hissed at him when he grabbed Harry’s arm roughly to pull him up. “For fucks sake, try to keep yourself up for rest of the bloody show.”

Harry faltered a bit but was able to stand up. The crowd was laughing at him, but he saw the boys were glaring at him not so nicely. Harry bowed to the audience smiling widely and they cheered for him loudly. Harry didn’t get why Luke had to be so damn sour. He should relax sometimes and stop being so uptight all the fucking time.

Harry still had big smile on his face when he finally stumbled off the stage, with a still seething Luke a few paces behind him. When the stage hand had collected their microphones, his bandmate didn’t hold himself back anymore. Luke pushed Harry roughly against the wall, the other boys watching the scene from a distance but did nothing to stop him.

“I’ve had enough of you, H. I have stayed quiet this long because so far, you have managed to behave on stage. But tonight—” Luke shook his head admonishingly, his fingers still pressed tightly into Harry’s shoulders. “Fuck, tonight you just laid there like a useless fucking beetle because you were so fucking high. Maybe our fans don’t get it yet, or they still refuse to see it because they only want see the damn golden boy that you are in their eyes. But it’s just a matter of time when it finally hits them too, and then it’s all over. For you, and for all of us. And believe me when I say, I’m not going to it just sit back and fucking watch you ruin all of our careers because of the shit you’re using.”

“For one, I’m not hi-” Harry started when the shouting stopped for a second, but Luke interrupted him immediately.

“You’re not high?” He laughed loudly with a harsh tone. “Who the hell are you even trying to convince, me or yourself?” His narrowed eyes were seething with rage as he tightened his grip on Harry’s t-shirt before finally letting it go.

“Because you’re not fooling any of us anymore. You haven’t been for a long time, to be honest.” Luke continued sounding almost forlorn, but then the anger was back again.

“You need help, H. Or…” Luke poked his index finger against Harry’s chest with the rhythm of his words .

“Or…?”

“Or we have to let you go.” Luke leaned in so his face was almost touching Harry’s when he said the ominous words. His threat hung in the air for a moment. The dead silence that had fallen around them in the empty hallway was almost as deafening as the noise in the stadium had been. The other members of the band seemed petrified and frozen in place, their eyes directed to where Harry and Luke were having their stand-off.

“You can’t.” Harry finally whispered. He might have told Luke a little white lie tonight, but he really wasn’t that high. Just a line, or maybe two, before the show but it was something to loosen his nerves before getting on stage. Just like other boys might shotgun a couple of beers. What’s the difference really? Fuck the double standards!

“Don’t try your luck.” Luke gave him a final push, straightening himself and turned to walk away. His echoing steps startled Harry from his thoughts.

“You can’t. Do you know why?” Harry yelled after him when he finally found his voice again. “Because I _am_ One Direction!” Harry continued, tapping his chest with his flattened palm. “ _Me!_ ”

“Without me there wouldn’t even be One Direction in the first place.”

He saw the other boys follow Luke peering back towards Harry shaking their heads before all four disappeared backstage. “Great.” Harry huffed bitterly. Now they were all against him. They would probably talk about how to get rid of him, like a group of fucking mean girls. Well, they could try. But there was no chance they could do it.

No way.

From the very start when One Direction had formed, Harry was marketed to be the frontman of the band even though he had actually been the newest addition, which in hindsight, could have initially been seen by the other boys as an intrusion. He had been slightly older than the other boys, and been exactly what Simon had been looking for. Which again, looking back, could have contributed to an undertone of the four original members not being good enough to be successful on their own.

If someone ever mentioned One Direction, fan or not, chances are they were able to name one member, Harry Styles. He was the member whose name and face everyone knew. Was it a blessing or a curse? Harry couldn’t tell. Maybe it was both. Either way, there wasn’t much Harry could do about it.

Perhaps he didn’t have the best voice out of all of them, or he wasn’t the most prolific songwriter of the band, but still everyone called him the front man. Because that had been the plan since the beginning. Every single little detail of his public image was the result of many meetings with the PR department.

They had built the Harry Styles™ that the general audience knew. Piece by piece, like some kind of pop version of Frankenstein’s monster. There were all the shiny new layers they had wanted to add, and Harry had no choice but to play along if he wanted to stay in this business.

Handsome. Charming. Cocky. Egotistical. Easy. Womaniser. The last one always made Harry laugh bitterly.

But the truth was, no one really knew the Harry Styles he had once been. Shy. Trustful. Happy. Kind. Gay.

And nowadays, the last was the only one Harry recognised within himself. The other facets had faded under the image they had been building. The gay part was only one he frequently let come out to play.

Secretly, of course.

If Harry had his own pre-show habits, he had one for the after-show too. It was almost a pattern. After a gig he picked up some guy he had spotted in the audience, took them to his hotel room and fucked them. Usually he was still high with the adrenaline after the show, sometimes just from coke, most of the times it was both.

When he had reached his own climax, he usually didn’t even bother checking if the other guy had come. It didn’t matter. When Harry looked at them, they just looked back in awe, despite the result. It was enough for them that Harry Styles™ had fucked them and knew they existed. If they were lucky, Harry might repeat his action a bit later that night.

Though usually he just kicked them out soon after the act was over. He never fucked anyone more often than that one night, not on purpose anyway. But because they all always looked so similar; petite frame, brown fringed hair and blue eyed, Harry couldn’t be sure if he had accidently done it twice sometimes.

But for sure he knew, no one’s skin was ever golden enough, their hair didn’t have that certain shade of caramel or their eyes weren’t the right colour of ocean blue. Not that anyone could ever compete, but it would have been too painful if he found an actual doppelganger. It was painful even now, but Harry just couldn’t help himself. He knew what he was trying to recreate.

This night wasn’t going to be exception. After a row with the boys, he needed the relief even more. They had been driven to the hotel where they would stay until the following night, an uneasy silence filling the car where he was sitting with Calum. He was usually the one who didn’t want to take sides and it was showing on his face right now. Harry could see that he wanted to say something, but he definitely wasn’t going to make it any easier. He stared out of the tinted window and avoided any eye contact with his friend. They had made the fucking bed with their unnecessarily accusations, now it was time for them to lay in it.

When the car eventually stopped in the underground car park, Harry  jumped out of the car without checking to see if Calum was following him. He was led to a private lift by a security guard and soon he was in the privacy of his own suite. He kicked his boots off and walked into the lounge area. It didn’t differ any way from the other five star hotel suites. Everything was clean and bright, the neatly arranged pieces of furniture were comfortable and expensive looking. Harry didn’t pay too much attention to his surroundings. He dug his phone out of the pocket and pressed the familiar number from his favourites.

“Hey, it’s me.” He said when Paul answered after a couple of rings.

“Do you have anyone available?” Harry had left so quickly from the venue he hadn’t had a proper chance to tell Paul who he wanted. It wasn’t a problem to get someone, but he just had to trust Paul’s judgement. “Ok, good. Yeah, you know what I want.”

“Alright. Good. Maybe in half an hour. I’m just gonna take a shower before.”

“Good. Thanks, Paul.” Harry ended the call and threw the phone on the night table in his bedroom, where he had migrated to while talking. He stripped his clothes off and tossed them lazily on the chair near the window. He walked naked to the big bathroom, his dick swinging heavily between his legs. He picked up his toothbrush, ran it under the tap, and squeezed some toothpaste on it. He stepped into the shower, still brushing his teeth.

The rainwater shower head was exactly as Harry wanted it to be. The water beat down over him in just the right way, the hot water making the bathroom steamy in just a couple of minutes. He rinsed the toothpaste from his mouth and poured some body wash into his cupped palm. He looked forward to these moments, to add in a little foreplay as he spread the scented gel over his body and closed his eyes, letting his fantasies come to life.

It didn’t take much for his dick to begin to harden, as he slowly pumped his hand up and down, pulling back the foreskin and then soaping his balls, rolling them around slowly and firmly in his hand, just on the good side of rough. When he was fully rinsed and turned off the tap, he was already fully hard and ready to fuck the brains out of some fanboy. He smirked at the thought, and grabbed a soft, fluffy white towel from the rack and dried himself carefully before stepping out of the bathroom. He still had some time but why stop now when he was already raring to go.

Harry was sprawled out on the king size bed, lazily stroking his dick when there was a sharp knock on the door. Whoever it was didn’t wait for an answer, just pushed the door open and someone stumbled in to the room. Harry raised his gaze and saw the boy standing there, eyes wide just staring at him in utter disbelief.

Harry let his eyes roam over his body and after checking him out he nodded slightly as a sign of approval. The boy, standing awkwardly before him looked young, no more than twenty.  Harry was sure Paul had checked his ID before making him sign an NDA. He was slightly taller than the usual groupies, but had a lithe frame, and the much desired — but not required — brown hair and light coloured eyes. He was definitely pretty, but now he just looked terrified.

However, he was in Harry’s room voluntarily, no one was forcing him to be there. Although, Harry had never seen him before at a concert. Maybe he was a new addition to the mass of groupies, or just some random fan Paul had seen that had looked willing, and now seeing his idol naked, and cock fully hard in his hand in front of him was probably a scary as hell feeling.

Harry didn’t bother thinking about it too deeply. Right at this moment he was more interested about getting his own cock wet than some random boy’s background. He was here solely for him to fuck and that was exactly what Harry was about to do.

”Come here.” He demanded without slowing his motions as he jerked himself off.

The boy walked closer, his eyes still glued to Harry’s now leaking dick. He licked his lips nervously and simultaneously Harry saw him press his hand down on the growing bulge in his pants.

”Hey, I’m Timothée.” He said when he reached the bed.

”Yeah.” Harry nodded. ”Take off your clothes.”

There was a flash of disappointment visible in the boy’s eyes after Harry’s curt answer. Well, if he was here looking for romance, he was in the wrong place. And definitely with the wrong person. Harry was sure all the groupies knew that all he wanted was meaningless sex, but they all still came with the hint of hope. The hope that they could be the one who would steal the heart of Harry Styles™ and make him fall in love with them.

But they weren’t living in the world where Disney movies came alive. This wasn’t fucking Cinderella and there was no chance of Harry falling in love with any of them. He didn’t want love, he wanted a shag. And more importantly, he wanted it now. He grabbed the bottle of lube from the night stand and tossed it on the bed.

”Open up yourself. I’ll be back soon.” Harry said, climbing out of the bed. He walked to the sofa and took out a small bag of white powder. With experienced hands he made the lines with his black Amex, rolled the note and quickly sniffed the substance.

The shit was good, and Harry didn’t have to wait long before he felt the first kick as it absorbed through his mucous membranes and immediately into his blood. He stood up and walked back to the bedroom. At the doorway, he just watched with hunger in his eyes as the boy spread himself out on the bed, his slim fingers pumping rhythmically into his lube-slicked hole. Harry felt his dick harden even more, if that was even possible.

The coke was now kicking in full force. He couldn’t wait any longer.

”Are you ready?” Harry panted when he kneeled on the bed already tearing open a condom wrapper. He placed it over his fully erect cock and lubed it thickly. He likes it rough, but not enough to hurt the person he’s with.

”Turn around. I want you on your hands and knees.” The boy obeyed without question, and few seconds later he was on the bed with his arse up, giving Harry a clear view at his slightly gaping pink hole. Harry took his cheeks into his palms. They were round and well formed, just like Louis’.

Harry closed his eyes and then he was suddenly in a different bedroom. He spread the cheeks apart and let his dick press against the waiting hole in front of him. It felt so familiar. Round and tight. He was so much tighter than Harry remembered. He heard a distant gasp when he pushed himself in.

”Oh god, you are so big, Harry. Ahh, so fucking big.” Louis’ voice sounded weird, lower and smoother than it usually was. But Harry didn’t stop to think about it now. No, when Louis now was begging Harry to fuck him.

And he did ever. Oh god, he did.

He let his hips roll back and forth in figure eights, and each time he pushed deeper and deeper. He was sweating over Louis’ back which was already arching in anticipation of his impending orgasm. Harry had easily found his prostate and was slamming against it mercilessly.

He was so close too, but he wanted Louis to come first. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis’ tiny waist and curled his fingers around his dick. In just a few rapid strokes, Louis was coming on the mattress below. After that Harry let go of his spent cock. He grabbed onto his hips, rocking back and forth at a punishing pace, his climax was so close but still somehow out of grasp.

”Lou, baby. God, I’ve missed you.” Harry whispered into his ear. ”Say you’ve missed me too. Please baby.” Harry begged, pounding harder with every sloppy thrust. He needed to come, but he couldn’t. The feeling was almost unbearable.

”Please, Lou.” Harry begged panting. “Tell me you love me.”

”Of course, I miss you. I love you so much.” Those were the magic words that made Harry come with a force he hadn’t felt for ages. He let his teeth sink into Louis’ shoulder to mute his screams. It felt so damn good. His body was still shaking with pleasure when he twisted Louis’ head to kiss him on the lips. He had missed those lips so much.

But his lips never hit the target. When he opened his eyes and they were facing each other, Harry was looking into the face of total stranger in front of him. Instantly, his blood ran cold.

***

_Boston Logan International Airport, April 2015_

It was way too early to be awake, but yet, here Harry was sitting in the beige leather seat of their private jet with his band mates and a few crew members on their way back to London. From the small window to his right, Harry saw two men was still loading some bags into the belly of the airplane. It shouldn’t take much longer, as they usually boarded at the last possible minute, which minimized their wait time.

Because of the early departure time, they had been driven straight to the plane where their passports and documentation had been checked. Even if the sun was shining from the clear sky above, the air in the cabin was still chilly from sitting all night and the coldness pushed its way onto the plane from the open doorway. Harry wrapped the blanket tighter around him while sipping his coffee as he looked out of the window, music streaming quietly from his headphones.

Last night they had finished the North American leg of the tour, and were now heading towards the old continent to have a small break before they would fly out to start the Asian leg in less than two weeks. They would be touring until September, with the last month being solely in UK and Ireland. In the not so distant future, there would be the promo tour for their fifth album, and soon they would be announcing the dates for their new world tour that would be tied in with their new album. Once they were back they would schedule a meeting with Simon while they were all together in London, and they would likely have a discussion about the next tour.

Harry was happy if there wouldn’t be too big of a break between tours. It had been a similar pattern throughout the last four years. After they had ended one, the next was waiting around the corner to be started. The first couple of albums had been made in proper studios, but later they had even recorded their albums in the hotel rooms around the world as there never seemed to be time to stop and record in one place. The other members of One Direction were always complaining about being overworked, but Harry didn’t mind. It had always suited him better. When he was working, he didn’t have time to think. And when he didn’t think, his demons stayed quiet, and remained in the shadows.

From the corner of his eye, Harry saw the flight attendants start to close the door. Suddenly his hands were sweating and his heart began to beat wildly in his chest. His foot was jiggling restlessly against the floor. Jeff looked over at him from under his brow a couple of times, before putting down the magazine he was reading.

“Are you alright, H?” He asked, concerned about the worry Harry had in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. I just have to go to loo quickly before we take off.” Harry rushed down the aisle to the small door before Jeff had time to respond. Harry felt his gaze still on his back when he entered the fairly spacious bathroom. It wasn’t big, but still five times larger than the ones in commercial airlines.

Harry locked the door behind him and briefly closed his eyes when he was finally alone. He stepped next to the sink, pressing his hands down and feeling the smoothness of the surface underneath his palms. He leaned his forehead against the cool mirror and swallowed hard. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth slowly, trying to calm himself down.

He wasn’t afraid of flying. No, he usually loved it. Planes were always taking him to places he never before dreamed he would one day see. Exploring new cities and countries was something Harry loved to do while on tour. But this time it was different. He knew exactly where they were heading to and he was terrified with what he had to face after the plane touched down at London Heathrow airport. He was flying home. He should be elated, just like his bandmates were right now.

But he wasn’t.

Home is where the heart is, they say. But what if your heart was shattered into millions of pieces, was it ever possible to feel like you were home again? The thought alone was enough to rip open his wounds and make his heart bleed out into his chest. And the worst part was, there was no one else to blame than himself. He could have had it all if he had wanted.

Home. Career. Love of his life.

But no. Harry had decided to change the course of his life into another direction. He had been so close to retracting all his revenge plans when he had let himself fall in love with Louis again. He didn’t even know how it had happened. The first few times they had met Harry had been so angry at him and still so damn hurt that he was sure Louis had noticed he was just pretending to be interested in being friends, or more, with him again.

It was probably the first kiss they shared when everything had changed and deep inside Harry knew it wouldn’t end well. Obviously, because it was his plan after all. But part of the plan didn’t include hurting himself, just tearing apart Louis and Zayn’s relationship was supposed to be enough. Let them have a taste of their own medicine. But when the time had finally come, he could have heard three hearts breaking at the same time. But at the end of the day, Harry might have fallen on the biggest sword of them all, tearing his own heart apart into irreparable pieces.

And now he was paying for it.

Probably for the rest of his life, too. He and Louis had been like Jack and Rose, doomed from the first moment, just waiting for the iceberg to appear and knowing it all would end up a fateful tragedy. No one physically died in this film known as his life, but it didn’t make any difference because ever since, Harry had been just a ghost of himself; suffocating his feelings with every possible toxic chemical he could get his hands on.  

Harry popped his eyes open, slipping his hand into the front pocket of his skinny jeans and pulling out of small plastic bag with some sedatives. For real, he would have needed a line or two right now, but it would have been too risky to travel with that shit internationally, despite the private jet.

He shoved a few of them into his mouth and scooped some water in his palm to flush them down. Harry knew the effect wouldn’t be so fast, but usually the tranquilizing illusion appeared as soon as he had swallowed the tablets. But not this time. Now, he just felt even more anxious than before.

He had to get out. The room was feeling too small, the whole plane was was way too fucking small. If the door had still been open, Harry would probably have run out of it without even thinking about the consequences. But now he didn’t have a choice other than sit down in his seat and fasten the seat belt.

By the time the plane took off, Harry had fallen into a restless, nightmare riddled sleep. When the aircraft finally landed on the tarmac at London Heathrow, Harry felt even more fatigue than before his fugue-like state. Somehow he also managed to get to his house, he just didn’t know how.

***

London, June 2015

_The phone was ringing and ringing, but Harry just ignored the sounds. He buried it into a bin and it stopped for a minute. Then the phone suddenly appeared on his nightstand, starting it’s tormenting ring once again._

_Harry didn’t want to answer it. If he didn’t answer, he would never hear the devastating news. Because he knew who was behind that ring. It was his old mobile when he was just nineteen and Harry was sleeping in his childhood bed at home._

_The ringing got louder and angrier with every second. Harry pressed the pillow against his ears to prevent hearing that once familiar ringtone._

_It helped for a moment. But then he heard the heavy steps climbing up the stairs. Harry was breathing faster now. He knew it was coming. There was this tinny voice without a body again. Harry tried to run, but he couldn’t move. It felt as though he had been tied to his bed with invisible ropes. The voice was calling his name now. It came closer and louder._

_“No.” Harry screamed when he felt the touch on his shoulder. He fought back but the grip was too tight. It was pushing him against the bed. Suddenly he felt something tight around his wrists and his panic was escalating rapidly. He needed to go. Liam needed him, but Harry couldn’t move. The scarlet ropes were too tight and each struggle made the knots even tighter._

_The hand gripped him even harder, shaking him roughly..._

“Nooo…”

Harry jolted awake and saw Jeff standing beside his bed, perplexed and angry.

“Are you alright?” He asked anyway.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Harry stared at him, his hands slightly shaking after his lucid feeling nightmare. Since being back in London, it was the third time he’s had it and had woken up with the horrible feeling after experiencing these recurring nightmares. He had started to get scared to fall asleep at night, and took some sleeping pills to help him to get some rest. Yes, he was able to zone out, but the pills didn’t stop the dreams. They just made him groggy and disoriented.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jeff’s voice raised an octave when he screamed at Harry.

“I— “ Harry stopped in the middle of sentence. He didn’t know what to say.

“You really forgot about the meeting, didn’t you?” Jeff replied slowly, fighting against his anger.

“Meeting?” Harry frowned. The meeting... ? “Fuck! The meeting! It’s today?” He jumped out of bed, still naked.

“Yes, Harry. Yes, it is.” Jeff said turning his gaze in the other direction already browsing through his phone. “I suggest you take the quickest shower of your life, and meet me downstairs within ten minutes. I’ll call Simon and tell him we will be a little bit late. He won’t be happy, may I add.”

“You could have rung me earlier, you know.”

“But I did! I don’t know how many times I tried to call you, but you never answered. It took me a while to get here.” Jeff turned to say from the doorway before disappearing to the staircase.

_The phone ringing in his dream_ , Harry realised later when he stepped into the shower. It must have been Jeff all the time but Harry’s mind had transferred it into his dream. That partly explained the ringing phone, but it didn’t make it any easier to handle his nightmares. They were something he was powerless against.

After a cold shower he felt refreshed, but the grogginess was there and stayed. Thank god, Jeff would be in there too taking notes and briefing him later if he missed something. But still, this definitely wasn’t the best condition to be in to participate in a meeting with Simon Cowell. Not that it ever was. Simon was someone Harry never really got used to. He had too much power, and he never failed to wield it if he wanted.

As soon as Harry appeared downstairs, Jeff was already waiting for him by the front door. He was still angry, his actions exposed him despite his face appearing to be made of stone, there was no expression to be seen. He pushed the door open and marched to the car waiting for them with Harry in tow closely behind.

They sat quietly in the backseat, both of them staring uneasily out of the window, neither of them saying anything. Jeff once in a while typed something furiously into his phone, never letting his gaze travel up to Harry. Then after one message he visibly froze when he read it and then just shoved the mobile in his pocket with one swift move and then fell back into the silence for the rest of the drive. The only noise beside the running engine was Jeff’s nervous tapping against the black leathery trim that framed the passenger window. It was annoying as hell, and just when Harry was about to snap about it, the car pulled up to the curb in front of the Syco HQ.

They climbed out of the car and one after another they walked inside the familiar building. Harry was still able to remember the first time he stepped through the double glass doors, with palms sweating and excitement pooling in his belly.

There was a nervous, anticipatory twist in his stomach this time too and slightly trembling hands as a consequence of departure from home in a brisk manner. Jeff must have seen him shake when Harry had pushed the button of lift taking them to upper floors, but said nothing. Actually, he looked very uncomfortable. Something he rarely seemed to be. Maybe Harry could take advantage and try to make a quick stop in the washroom before entering the conference room.

But when the lift stopped with a hollow thump and the doors opened to the spacious lobby, Jeff gripped Harry’s arm to get his attention.

“I’m so sorry, H. I tried. I really did. But maybe this is the best solution after all.” Jeff said slowly, and stepped quickly out of the elevator, leaving Harry behind. The touch of his fingers were still traceable on Harry’s forearm and Jeff’s cryptic words ringing in his head. He almost got hit by the lift door, when he stood in the doorway for too long. Harry pushed against the closing doors approaching him from either side, and made them fully open again before finally followed Jeff, and still frowning with confusion.  

Harry’s plans to “freshen” himself seemed to be out the window, and he quickened his pace to catch up to Jeff before he could reach the meeting room. But as always, Jeff was a professional by nature. He waited for Harry near Simon’s executive assistant’s desk, his hand on the knob of the closed door when Harry was few feet away.

“They are waiting for you, Mr Styles. Mr Azoff.” She said shortly, when Harry arrived at the threshold. Her expression giving away that it definitely wasn’t good thing in any measurement. She gave a nod to Jeff who pushed the thick wooden door open and let Harry step inside first.

At least a dozen people turned their eyes to look at the late comers, no one looking pleased. But none of them looked as furious as Simon Cowell did. His gaze was piercing straight through Harry and all he wanted was for some miracle to occur to have the floor split in two and swallow him whole.

“I appreciate you finally deciding to participate in our meeting, Mr Styles.” Simon said icely. Mr Styles instead of usual Harry didn’t alleviate the uneasy feeling in his belly. “Take a seat, please.”

There were only two seats available in the spacious, modern looking meeting room. Jeff took the one in rear corner near the door, but Harry had to do the walk of shame across the room where one lonely leather chair was waiting for him. The soft carpet muted his steps, but Harry was sure everyone was able to hear his heart ricochet around his ribcage instead. He was now very aware of his habitus: ripped jeans, worn out Rolling Stones t-shirt, his long hair still moist after a shower and drooping on his shoulders while everyone else was wearing suits. Alright, perhaps his bandmates were the exception to the dress code, but it really didn’t make him feel any better. His cheeks were flushed after what felt like an eternity for him to reach the seat where he was finally able to sit down.

Luke was sitting straight across from him, Ashton on his right and Michael and Calum on the left. Simon, obviously, had his own seat at the end of the table and his minions were scattered in the high-back chairs around the long, square shaped desk. Harry had seen them all before. Some were the heads of their management, and some were Simon’s close business partners from the record company. Jeff seemed to be the only one of their own personal managers taking part in this meeting, which felt very weird and unsettling, to tell the truth.

The room was silent. Everyone was waiting on Simon to take the lead, and every second that he kept quiet, made the silence more and unbearable. Harry couldn’t take it anymore. Just to break the unbearable stillness in the room, he reached forwards to take the pitcher filled with ice water to fill the glass placed in front of him.

Now everyone’s eyes were back on him. His hands were shaking when he picked the jug up and started to pour the water. When his glass was half full, the damn ice cube stuck in the spout, spilling the liquid all over the shiny wooden surface. With a loud thunk, Harry quickly put the jug back down on the table and reaching forward again to grab a bunch of serviettes instead and spread them over of the puddle of water. Then not knowing what to do with dampened napkins he just left them on the table and leaned back in his chair without daring to raise his gaze from his lap.

Finally, after a long pause, Simon started to talk with a low voice.

“When I was contacted earlier this month regarding the subject of this meeting, I must say I wasn’t very happy, and definitely didn’t agree with what was suggested. However, I did some investigating into the matter, to know what I was up against. I wanted to hear all of you together this morning, but I only had a chance to do it with four members of the five member band. But perhaps, after all, it was best that way. I got to see what they were talking about with first-hand information. So boys, with a heavy heart, I’m going to agree with what you wanted to do. And with that said, I’ll hand it over and let you speak now.” Simon ended his monologue and nodded towards the row of boys, or rather young men, sitting across Harry.

The three of them immediately turned their heads towards Luke who was sitting in the middle, expecting him to be the one to talk. It didn’t surprise Harry at all. At the end of the day, it was always deferred to Luke, who stepped up when it was needed. He was the real leader of the band, not Harry like the press had made him out to be. Maybe in the very beginning, when Harry had been the only major one, he had been the one leading the band. But when they all had grown up over the years, Harry had been happy to give the other’s more space. Now Harry was cautiously peering at Luke from under his brow, trepidation and terror fighting for purchase in his veins.  

“Harry,” Luke started and for the first time today, he looked Harry straight into his eyes, looking withered and sad. So sad, that Harry wanted to go around the table and hug him. “I really don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gonna say it straight. We have talked a lot about the band, where are we now and where we want to go in the future. We are aware, we haven’t included you into these conversation so much--”

“At all. You haven’t included me into them at all.” Harry interrupted.

“Yes, Harry. You’re correct. But you know, there is also a reason for that. Any guesses why that might be?” The sadness in his tone was replaced with a hint of irritation.

“I guess you know, but as always, you are not ready to admit it.” Luke continued while Harry stayed quiet.

“Seems I have to be the one who says it aloud. You’re an addict, Harry. An addict! Every day it’s getting worse and worse. I’m well aware none of us are innocent, but we are not daily users, like you are. You have become unpredictable and unreliable, we never know what happens next when it comes to you and we don’t want to continue to work within that kind of atmosphere and we won’t. Not anymore.” Luke’s voice was still steady when he finished his speech even if his eyes were telling another story.

“You can’t fire me.” Harry stammered a bit after the harsh words were directed towards him.

“We are not going to fire you, Harry. But we’re all going to go on hiatus.” Luke sighed quietly.

“For what?!”

“We’re going to take an undetermined break. We will finish our tour and all other engagements we have committed to, but we will not make any new agreements from now on.” Luke explained patiently, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on Harry.

“You can’t make a decision like that without me!” Harry raised and slammed his hands on the table making the ice cubes clink in the pitcher.

“Oh yes, we can. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it’s the only one we could make. And deep inside you know we’re right.” Luke’s voice raised a little, but he still managed to keep his expressions neutral.

“No.” Harry stared bitterly at Luke with narrowed eyes.

“You can keep denying it, but we won’t change our minds. During the past couple of years we have brought up the discussion with you over and over about your behavior and your addiction. How it’s getting out of control. We have tried to point out that you need help, but nothing had worked. Our hands are tied. We can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself.”

“Fuck this!” Harry pushed himself up, his chair falling to the floor behind him. “I don’t have to listen to this shit anymore.”

Harry marched to the door and was just about to pull it open, when Simon opened his mouth.

“They are right, Harry.” He said so softly that Harry wasn’t able to see him speaking, he wouldn’t have believed the voice belonged to Simon Cowell. “Believe me, I wouldn’t do this, but I have to. Just like you have to get better.”

Harry couldn’t stand there any longer. His eyelids were burning with unshed tears, and his insides were seething with rage and humiliation as he stalked furiously to the lifts. He saw Jeff following him, fifty paces or so behind, but thank god the lift was already waiting on this floor and Harry was able to close the doors before Jeff reached him. Harry couldn’t face him right now. He had to have known this would happen. That’s why he had apologized to Harry earlier. He had always considered Jeff to be a trustworthy friend, just like his boys were too.

And now they all had betrayed him. His friends had become his adversaries.

The car was waiting for him downstairs. Harry told the driver to take him home without waiting for anyone else to arrive. He didn’t ask anything, he just obeyed what Harry had asked. All the way back to his residence Harry forced himself to swallow down all his feelings. He didn’t want anyone to see how he felt. _He_ didn’t want to feel like this.

Once in the confines of his empty house, he finally let himself release every pent up emotion, opening the floodgates. His sobs echoed throughout the big living room where he was curled up on the shag rug near the fireplace, his hands wrapped tightly around the square bottle he sought out to find solace in. His breathing was heavy and laborious when he tried to suffocate the noises coming out of his mouth against the back of his hand.

He didn’t know how long he laid there on the floor. Perhaps it was hours, or it could have been just minutes, when he opened his eyes and stared at the half-drunk bottle of Jack next to him. He was feeling numb and empty, like someone had removed his very existence. Ripped his heart right out of his chest, leaving just the ache of a phantom limb.

It wasn’t the first time his heart had broken. He had fought back in one way or another before. But this time still felt different. Music had always been his strength and inspiration, the power that had kept him alive so far. And now it all was taken from him forever.

Was there any reason to keep fighting?

***

_Helsinki, July 2015_

”Are you ok, H?” Jeff asked from the seat next to him when they were sitting in a car and driving the short distance from the Olympic Stadium where their show had taken place not fifteen minutes ago, to their hotel for the night. They had arrived in Helsinki just a few hours before their concert had started. Now it was almost midnight, although the brightness outside said otherwise, and Harry was glad they would stay here for one night instead of returning to London immediately.

”Yeah.” Harry answered curtly, not putting any extra effort in his tone. Jeff knew exactly where they stood after ”hiatus-gate” in Simon’s office. Harry was still angry and offended with Jeff for how he had acted in the meeting, or more precisely, before it. He could have fucking told Harry what they were planning behind his back. That would have been the courteous thing to do, right? Then Harry would have been prepared instead of sitting there feeling dumb and speechless when accusations had been thrown against him just out of the blue. He would have been able to defend himself properly. So yes, if Harry really hadn’t been in the mood to talk to Jeff since then, there were definitely reasons for it. And the same went for his bandmates.

Frankly speaking, the atmosphere had been what one would call icy lately, and it was palpable. Speculations were flying with the crew, but nobody did anything to stop them. The only ones who didn’t know, or even suspected anything, were their fans. In their eyes everything seemed perfect and the band was one big happy family like it had been for the past five years. And yet that was a miracle, because usually they knew everything. Like literally _everything,_ and Harry wasn’t even kidding. Sherlock Holmes, Poirot and the FBI had finally met their match with the sleuthing skills of their devout Directioner fans.  

There would be an official announcement in the coming weeks, just before the final few shows of their tour. Harry didn’t even want to think about how the fans would react. If it had been really tough for Harry, he thinks it might be even worse for their fans. They would be devastated.

Many times since the meeting where their hiatus had been revealed to Harry — in a unilateral way — Harry had thought about leaving. Just giving it all up. Right here, right now. They wanted him to go so fucking much that they were ready to put their own careers on hold, so why the hell would he even bother to stay any longer. There had been only one thing that had kept him not leaving all the shit behind yet. Their fans. Harry loved them way too much to do it. He would be nothing without them, and for as long as he would live, he was always going to be grateful for them and he owed them to finish this tour just like he had started it, with full effort.

Instead, his bandmates, Simon, even Jeff could just fuck off and stop fussing after him as though they actually cared.

That was the main reason Harry was now sitting alone, well with Jeff but figuratively alone, in a car on his way to the hotel. At the same time, the rest of the boys were still at the venue celebrating the end of their European leg. Harry was sure their management would make a perfect excuse for his absence to the media. They always did. Nothing was allowed to penetrate the well built shield that surrounds the band and protects its secrets. Harry almost couldn’t wait for when their hiatus would be publicly announced.

Almost.

After the news of their break would be released, the gates of hell would open up and the amount of speculation would be relentless. Harry didn’t want to think about it too much now. The show had been amazing, if he was allowed to say so himself. The enthusiasm from the audience, the sea of flowers during the “Night Changes” performance and of course, the fireworks at the end had been the highlight of the night, although Harry himself wasn’t a big fan of them.

They were approaching the hotel, Harry was sure. He was able to hear the screams through the closed windows. The car passed the entrance and continued until they were safely admitted to the underground parking. Even though Harry loved their fans, he wasn’t always so keen on meeting them. Especially if he was exhausted like he was at the moment.

It didn’t take long until Harry was starfishing on the bed of his hotel room. He had dreamed of this moment for an hour or so, but now that he was here alone, all he wanted to do was to get the hell out of there. The spacious room suddenly felt claustrophobic. Instead, he took a shower, but it didn’t solve anything. Not that Harry expected it would have. He was trying to kill the time while he waited for when he would finally be able to fall asleep.

But now that he had the opportunity to sleep, the desire for it was all gone and the midnight sun outside really didn’t help. There were blackout curtains hung across the panel of windows, but Harry didn’t want to close them. It would feel too _closed_ for his own comfort. He stared out at the view from the window and wondered what it would feel like to walk the streets below incognito. The thought felt so tempting.

He really wasn’t hungry, but he ordered a burger and chips from the room service anyway. It would take some time to be delivered and meanwhile Harry just slouched back on the sofa in his shorts. He had found some light blue cans from the minibar and popped the can open. He raised it to his lips and took a sip. It was sweet, fizzy and tasted like grapefruit. Tasty, Harry thought.

He was having his third can, when there was a knock on the door with a shout “Room service”. The whole floor was reserved for them so Harry didn’t have to think about if other guests would recognize him when he opened the door. Obviously, he didn’t have a choice but to open the door if he wanted to get his food, but now he didn’t have to be too careful.

“Good evening, sir.” The waiter greeted Harry and pushed the service cart inside the room after Harry gave him  permission to enter. “May I set the table for you, sir?” He asked politely.

“Yes, please. I think I’m just gonna eat here on the sofa. And, please, just call me Harry.” Harry smiled at him giving a little wave with his hand towards the low table next to the couch. Harry stood a few feet away, watching the waiter as he set the table in front of the sofa. He was maybe in his early thirties, with sandy blond hair, and friendly grey blue eyes. He didn’t seem to be disturbed under Harry’s watchful gaze as he smoothly placed the plate covered with a silver lid on the table followed with the cloth wrapped shiny utensils. He organized everything with steady hands and then straightened himself looking straight at Harry.

“Your dinner is served, sir. Harry.” He added shortly after with a timid smile, like he had said something forbidden and waited for the reaction.

“Thank you, Sami.” Harry replied adding the name he read from the tag. Sami’s answer was wide, happy smile.

“Is there anything else I can do for you, Harry?” He sounded much braver calling Harry informally by his first name this time.

“No, I think I’m good for now. Thank you.” Harry said swallowing the sudden urge of ask him to join him for a moment. There was no hidden motive behind it, simply the need for a friendly companion. He was rarely ever alone, but despite the continuous company, he just sometimes felt so lonely. In his weaker moments he might have had enough courage to admit that he was lonely most of the time.

During the last few weeks, he had even dropped his habit of bringing someone up to his hotel room after the gigs. On the first night of this leg he had tried, but he hadn’t been able to get it up. It had been embarrassing and humiliating. Of course, the guy had signed an NDA so it didn’t spread any further, but still. He was a fucking sex god, and yet his cock had just hang there soft and so fucking useless. Since then, Harry had been afraid it might happen again, and didn’t even want to try to find out if it was just a one time thing or something more permanent.

“Good night then, Harry. Enjoy your meal and call us if there is anything we can do to help you.” Sami nodded and walked towards the door with his cart.

“Oh, sorry. I almost forgot.” Harry took the notes from the side table and handed them to the other man. “Thank you.”

“Oh, no. You really don’t have to.” Sami blushed watching the money slip into his hand as if he didn’t know what to do with it. After a while he shoved them into his pocket and thanked Harry one more time.

“Umm… I—” Sami was already in the hallway just about closing the door behind him, when Harry opened his mouth to ask something that just slipped into his mind.

“You said something, sir?” Waiter asked from the doorway.

“Umm.. Yeah… I was just wondering if it would be safe to walk alone outside?” Harry tried to keep his voice steady while forming the question.

“Do you mean generally, or more like personally?” Sami asked hand still on the knob, but focusing his eyes on Harry.

“Both, I guess…” Harry replied biting his lip nervously.

“I don’t know if I should answer this...” Sami started carefully. “But I’ll tell you anyway.” He smirked after a small pause. “Generally it’s quite safe here. Of course, you should keep your eyes alert to recognize if something or someone seems suspicious. But I would say the biggest hazard you would face out there would be drunk people staggering around, not ready to call it a night.”

“Could _I_ walk around out there?” Harry worded out the question he inwardly had thought awhile now.

“Like alone? No guard, or anyone with you?”

“Maybe…?” Harry shrugged his shoulders.

“Hmm… I believe— I mean if you could get out of the hotel without anyone noticing, I think you could walk out there free as a bird in certain places. Assuming you wouldn’t be flashing your face or tattoos on display or anything like that. Obviously, I can’t officially recommend that you go out there.”

A glint of disappointment must been visible on Harry’s face when he heard the words coming out, because soon the other man added conspiratorially “But if you really want to sneak out of the hotel, my shift ends in half an hour. I could get you out of here without anyone seeing you and if you want, I could give you the number of my friend who works in this hotel too. She is on night shift tonight so she could help you to get in through the backdoor if you you’re not able to use the front door.”

Sami wrote something on a small piece of white paper and placed it on the table near the door.

“It’s my number. Call me or text, if you want my help. If not, it was a pleasure to meet you and I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay. Good night, Harry.” He said and closed the door behind him.

***

Harry was nervous when he stood in front of the emergency exit staircase near his room waiting for Sami to appear. He still didn’t know if this was a good idea, probably not, but yet here he was ready make his escape — albeit temporarily.

Harry had nibbled on half of his burger and eaten a few chips while giving quick glances towards the note laying on the table by the door. _Do I dare_ , he thought over and over again. He could handle the management but what if he would get mobbed being out without a bodyguard? That had been his biggest concern.

But finally he had decided to send Sami a text, and it didn’t take long for him to reply with a time and place where they would meet. Before he left his hotel room, Harry put on a grey hoodie over his t-shirt and slipped a pair of trainers on his feet. There had been a security guard near the lifts but Harry had been able to sneak off to the stairs without alerting anyone.

Harry heard quiet steps from someone climbing up the stairs and squeezed closer to the wall just in case. He let out silent sigh of relief when he recognized the waiter, although he looked different wearing his own clothes now. He lifted his forefinger on his lips signaling to Harry to stay quiet and waved for him to follow him shortly thereafter. They descended the stairs until they reached the ground floor and made their way to the small corridor. Harry could hear some distant voices through one door but otherwise it was all quiet, just their muffled steps were audible. They stopped in front of a thick door leading outside.

“Ok. We are going outside now. I checked this route before I came to see you and it was clear then. Did you have somewhere in mind where you wanted to go?” Sami whispered.

“No, not really. The sea side looked nice though.”

“I hear you. Ok, there will be a small inner court behind this door leading out to the street. Once we are there I will show you how to get to the shore and you can just walk along the sea. You have my number. If you need anything, just call me and here is my friends’ number, in case you need it. Are you ready for your adventure?” Sami asked with excitement in his voice.

“Yeah. And thank you. I really appreciate your help. I hope you don’t get into any trouble because of this.”

“No, don’t worry about it. Like I said earlier, it was my pleasure. Good luck, Harry.”

***

Now Harry was truly on his own.

Sami and he had departed some minutes ago and Harry had taken a small detour a couple of blocks further from the hotel to avoid bumping into any fans who were still loitering near the entrance. He had then crossed the now-empty marketplace and was navigating the walkway following the shoreline. He was still moving quite fast, but when he saw there was no one near him, he slowed his walk down to a lazy stroll.

It was nice and warm outside, just a little breeze from the sea made the air stir once in awhile. Just in case, Harry had his hood pulled over his head to cover his hair which could give him away, but it probably just made him look even more suspicious now. But Harry didn’t care. He was just glad he got out of the hotel and was able to breathe the fresh air around. For a brief moment he felt like he was anyone else, free and even content. That was a feeling he rarely ever experienced outside the stage anymore.

He walked until he got to the point where the large park area appeared on his right. It looked tempting to wander around the low hills and get lost in the middle of all the green, but it looked a hint too deserted at the moment so he abandoned the idea. With a sigh of disappointment he continued, but he didn’t have to walk for too long before he saw the cluster of short pier-like docks that jutted out from the shoreline. Harry went to take a closer look and walked past a building that looked like a café. Obviously it was now closed, but tables and chairs were piled on the terrace. Once Harry was on the shore he stepped on the first dock to look around. There seemed to be high benches built into the small dock. The scenery was breathtaking, the shoreline had little inlets carved around it, so Harry decided to stay there for a while.

Harry sat on one of the benches, crossing his legs and stared off into the distance while sipping inconspicuously from a bottle of liquor he had taken from the minibar. The time passed by in silence. From time to time he heard people talking in the distance, sometimes it was a bird flying across the water. But no one paid attention to the lonely young man sitting on a dock.

He had sniffed a couple of lines just before leaving the venue tonight but it all had faded ages ago. He needed something to lift his mood again, but the booze didn’t seem to be enough. It didn’t stop him drinking but instead of feeling happy, he felt his thoughts were getting darker with every single drop he gulped down his throat.  

If Harry had felt lonely in his hotel room, sitting here now, where everything around him was just an indefinite silence, he felt even lonelier. Harry just wanted to take out his phone and ring someone, but there was no one he could call. He had burned every bridge.

He had no one.

Harry didn’t even know how had it happened. Harry knew a lot of people but no one he could call friend. _That’s not true_ , little voice in his head tried to say, _you have your boys_ . No, he _had_ them. But it was before everything happened between them. Accusations he couldn’t forgive. It seemed inevitable that something made his friendships fall apart. Niall, Liam. Now the boys. Could he have done something to avoid that all from happening?

_What if?_

That was the question Harry had asked himself countless times. What if Niall had never gotten into an accident? So many things had been different now. Harry would have never had met Louis Tomlinson and it would have made his life so much easier.

If he hadn’t met Louis, Liam might still be alive because as his best friend, he would have paid attention to what was going on with the people around him too. Not just the boy he had been so madly in love. Maybe Harry would have noticed that his best friend was struggling badly. So badly that he had wanted to take his own life. Maybe Harry would have noticed what his brother was doing and could have stopped him. Without meeting Louis, the same brother perhaps wouldn’t be partly responsible for his best friend’s death and maybe he would have found some other guy to sleep with instead of Harry’s boyfriend.

If the accident hadn’t happened, would it be the three of them touring around the world and living out the best time of their lives? Just like they had done years ago when they travelled across Europe.

What if Harry had never existed? Would Niall and Liam still be the same guys they used to be? Friends? Band mates? Healthy and alive? Maybe it wasn’t Louis after all. Maybe it was Harry himself. Maybe he was the reason why everything had gone wrong? Every arrow was pointing straight towards him. He was the precipitating factor with all the elements. Not Zayn, not Louis, not Niall’s accident.

_Him_.

He, who just had caused the breakup of the biggest boyband in the world and simultaneously ended his own career. The thought made Harry even more terrified.

He stared into the dark blue, ominous sea in front of him for ages. It seemed so calm and peaceful, just little waves rippling along the rocks on the shore as Harry watched out in the distance.

How would it feel to sink into the deep void? Just float in the water until he wouldn’t feel a thing.

How would it be if he didn’t have to feel this pain anymore?

***

_London, August 2015_

“NOOO!” Harry jolted awake same way he had done yesterday, and the day before it. Everytime Harry closed his eyes they seemed to appear. He was exhausted from lack of sleep and a proper mess because of all the sleeping pills he had been popping in hopes they would help him fall into a dreamless state.

Why were the nightmares back? He hadn’t had those while he was touring. Was it because he was back home? Or maybe he should say back in London. He felt he didn’t have a home anymore. House, yes. But it was just a place to stay, it didn’t feel like home. Home should be a place where you felt safe and happy, a place where you wanted to be. Not like Harry who counted the days when he would start touring again just to get out of the house.

Hotel rooms were boring as fuck but maybe that’s why they felt more comfortable. They were blank slates that didn’t hold memories, and it made things a little bit easier to bear.

And now those days of touring were running out. Just a handful of gigs left in England, Scotland and Ireland before it was all over, and Harry would have to go back to his real life. Back to the empty house where memories haunted him even when he wasn’t asleep.

Harry dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He leaned against the sink but didn’t look up. He didn’t have to. He didn’t want to.

The reflection was too scary. He was just a shadow of someone he once knew. Of the boy who had been so happy and excited about everything the world had to offer him in the future.

He missed that boy, he really did. He missed his friends who had helped to shape him into that boy. His friend, whose death he might have caused because he was too blind to see his pain, and so stupidly in love.  

He was so bitter at the world for taking away everything that ever meant something to him. When no one cared about him, why should he care either?

The truth was, he needed someone to care about him. He needed it so badly. Ever since he had moved to London, he had sworn he didn’t need anyone, he was perfectly fine on his own. But he wasn’t. He was lonely and broken, and he needed someone to hug him. To tell him everything would be alright. To tell him that he would be alright.

But there was nobody left, and the sand from the hourglass was quickly slipping through, and all that remained were the last few grains.

What would happen when it all ran out?

***

_Sheffield, September 2015_

 

Their final show was over.

It was all over. The tour. One Direction. Everything.

Someone placed a baby in Harry’s arms while he was sitting on the couch in a busy backroom of the arena. It wasn’t the first time, and to be honest, babies were the only ones Harry loved dearly. They were honest and innocent, they didn’t betray anyone and that’s why were they so loveable.

There had been times when Harry had let himself dream about the babies he and Louis would have some day. He had wondered if they would use a surrogate or if they would adopt. What would their kids look like?

Harry bounced the baby on his knee and took a closer look at her. She had round, beautiful blue eyes and slightly curly brown hair. Harry swallowed hard. He felt like his day dreams had come alive. The baby looked like a perfect mix of his and Louis’ features. She giggled a little and suddenly Harry froze.

His chest felt tight and he couldn’t breathe. He felt he was going to drop her at any second because he was shaking so much. He wanted to scream but nothing came out. Harry felt the sweat dripping from his forehead when he finally was able to get up from the sofa and hand the baby to nearest person.

He needed to get out.

Harry rushed blindly through the crowd and straight out the door. Luckily, there was a familiar looking driver near the cars. Harry opened the door and climbed in. The driver followed him to the car and after a little hesitation he promised to let him drive Harry back to their hotel. Once they were on their way, Harry dug around in his pocket until he felt the familiar shape of some pills. Without bothering to check what they were, he just swallowed them with the help of a bottle of beer he found in the car’s mini fridge.

It didn’t take a long time to get to the hotel.

The hotel room was empty, of course. Everyone else was still at the venue partying. Then they most likely would go to nightclub or something, and wouldn’t even notice that Harry was missing.

Harry grabbed the whiskey sitting on the table and twisted the cap open. He lifted the bottle to his lips and let the liquid drain down his throat. It burned. It burned so much, but still it wasn’t worse than the burn Harry felt in his heart.  

Somehow it had been easier to hate Louis. Then he had been able to transfer his anger and disappointment into energy to reach for his goals. Do whatever it took to get into the business.

But hating himself was something he couldn’t get rid off. It was there all the time. And was like a snowball which grew bigger as it rolled down the mountain and there was no way to stop it. Everything was compounding into one big fat lump of self-hatred.

Louis, Niall, Liam. Even Zayn.

After a while Harry put the bottle away. It was almost empty now, but it hadn’t helped at all. His face was weirdly damp and his vision blurred as he pulled out the familiar package of a white substance. Harry barely saw the lines he tried to form on the glass table in front of the sofa. He dropped to his knees and rolled the note one more time.

Maybe he now could just forget everything and get closure.

Blissful, graceful closure. For Louis. For One Direction. For him.

For everything.

He sniffed the lines and then everything went black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole chapter is pretty dark. Increasing drug/alcohol use, possible depression, suicidal thoughts, possible overdose, references to suicide.
> 
> PS. We don’t actually have a real Midnight Sun here in Helsinki latitude but many foreigners still find it hard to sleep during the summer months because it’s too bright outside.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Louis

[ One Direction - Love You Goodbye ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG0jPNYUy48)

_”One more taste of your lips just to bring me back_  
_To the places we've been and the nights we've had_  
_Because if this is it then at least we could end it right”_

_***_

April 2017

 

_“Just stop your crying it’s a sign of the times…”_

Harry’s familiar, slightly raspy voice started to croon from the radio as Louis was slicing carrots in the kitchen while preparing his dinner. He wanted to mute it, but he knew switching to another station wouldn’t make a difference. The damn song was playing everywhere and there was no way for him to escape it. The song itself was amazing, Louis must give full credit when its due.

The one who was singing though, was the problem.

At least now he was able to listen it without his heart shattering into pieces with every new word streaming out of the speaker, but the first time had been different. Harry’s debut solo single had been a total surprise for everyone, not just for Louis. It had been dropped out of the blue one Friday morning a couple of weeks ago. At that exact moment, Louis had been on a break at work. He had been eating his sandwich and almost choked on the bite he had been chewing when the DJ had announced a brand new Harry Styles song.

A few minutes later he had found himself crying his eyes out in a stall in the washroom.

Louis wasn’t proud of it, not at all. But it all had just taken him by surprise and too many memories had flooded into his mind. He hadn’t let himself think about Harry Styles for ages. He hadn’t always been successful, but at least he had a choice. Now it felt as though he was force-fed by Harry, and not in the good way.

‘Harry Styles’ and ‘good’ are a combination of words that haven’t meshed well together in the same sentence for a long time. Never again. Not after what he did to Louis years back. Six, to be exact. And this wasn’t even about being petty about an ex or anything. Louis had every right to be bitter and angry at him for ruining his life. He had really fooled Louis, kudos to Harry for that. But Louis had learned his lesson ever since.

Louis scooped the pile of chopped carrots on the baking tray next to the potatoes. He took the marinated chicken breasts out of the plastic container and placed them over the vegetables. A drizzle of olive oil and seasoning on the top and the food was ready to go in the oven. Louis pushed the tray in and set the timer, all the while in the background the bloody song droned on and on.

Louis cleaned the kitchen worktop, and put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. He collected a few toys up from the floor and gathered them in the hamper in the corner of the room before he plopped on the sofa and laid there like a ragdoll. He was knackered and all he wanted was sleep. Maybe after his dinner, he hoped. He still had to hang the laundry to dry and do the shopping list for tomorrow. Yeah, he could do it. Anyway, Luca was already sleeping and probably would sleep well until two or three in the morning. He was a good sleeper for a nine months old, thank God. It was hard enough being a single father without adding sleeping problems to the mix.

Although, it had been Louis’ own choice to become a single father. He hadn’t been in a proper relationship for ages, not in they type of one he could have considered having a family with anyway. And Louis had always wanted one. After his mum had passed away way too young, two and half years ago, it had really hit him. He had been 29, just about to turn 30 and he wasn’t getting any younger. If he was going to wait for his knight in shining armor to arrive, he might lose out on his chance to have kids forever. It hadn’t been the easiest process for a single gay man, but he been able to find a surrogate who had been willing to help him. He had no regrets going through this all alone. Of course, it would have been ideal to have someone with whom to share it with, but sometimes it wasn’t possible to have it all in life. But he had gotten his son, and without a shadow of doubt, he was the best thing to ever happen to him.  

Just when Louis was able to close his eyes for a second while lying on the sofa, there was a faint knock on the front door. Louis knitted his brows together, slightly annoyed and confused. He wasn’t expecting anyone to come over. Of course, he never knew when his sisters might show up, but even they usually gave him a ten minute warning and even they didn’t come this late unannounced. Louis rushed to the door, quietly cursing. He didn’t want to risk having the person knock again, and this time loud enough to wake Luca.

Louis opened the door quickly and his first instinct was to slam it shut immediately when he saw who had decided to disrupt his peace, harmony, and life in general.

“Do you know your doorbell doesn’t work?” No one other than Harry fucking Styles asked, aiming his furrowed brows and questioning eyes at Louis, who stared at him, mouth agape. Louis squeezed his eyes closed and opened them almost immediately, but the person on top of his shit-list was still standing there. His vibrant green eyes focused casually on Louis’ face like this was just some everyday visit, not the return of evil.  

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Louis hissed when the initial shock was over, and he was able to speak again. Louis tried to close the door, but Harry had sneakily taken a step closer and was now blocking the doorway, stopping his attempt. “And how the hell do you even know where I live?”

“I have my sources.” Harry grinned, arms folded over his chest as he lent his hip against the doorframe, and Louis’ blood was boiling just from watching him. The smug bastard just stood there and acted as though it was perfectly normal for him to be there, asking stupid questions. The fucking nerve.

“Didn’t your “sources” tell you, that you are not welcome here?” Louis was furious. The only thing keeping him from totally popping off was a sleeping baby in the next room. How the hell did Harry think he could just walk in like nothing had ever happened?

“Louis, please. I just want to talk to you.” Harry said now looking much more serious than he had just moments ago. The smile he had before, was now gone and his face looked slightly ashen. Good! Maybe he started to realise Louis really meant what he said. Although, if Harry had been smart enough, he would have known it even without saying. But apparently, it was too much to be asked from a prick like Harry.

“Well, I’ve got news for you. I. Don’t. Wanna. Hear. What. You. Have. To. Say.” Louis snarled and pushed Harry not so lightly towards the staircase.

“Could you just lis—"

“No! You listen to me, you fucking arsehole! Get the fuck out of here, or I’ll call the police! I fucking mean it, Harry.” Louis pushed the door closed without even looking to see if Harry’s hand or anything was in between. It was his own fault if he was so daft he hadn’t realised the door was closing.

_Permanently_ , Louis added inwardly as he leaned his back against the door, his heart beating rapidly against his ribs, trying desperately to catch his breath.

Once he had regained enough composure to move, Louis pushed himself away from the door, still feeling absolutely enraged. He just wanted to punch something, preferable Harry’s face, but that unfortunately wasn’t an option anymore. He was able to hear the blood rushing to his ears as he stormed to the kitchen. He took out the laundry rack and forcefully folded it open it next to the washing machine. He pulled the first t-shirt out of the machine. He slapped it into the air to make it straighten, then evened the wrinkles by stretching it and then hung it on the rack without bothering to use any pegs. He repeated the same pattern with every item.

Slap. Stretch. Hang. Slap. Stretch. Hang.   

It was the fastest he probably had ever hung his laundry, but it wasn’t enough to take his rage away. He was still fuming when he cleaned the bathroom and then moved to the small foyer to organise his cluttered assortment of shoes and jackets. He was lining up the last pair of trainers when the oven timer beeped, signaling that the chicken should be ready. Louis stomped to the kitchen and pulled the tray out burning his hand on the oven wall.

“Fuckfuckfuck!” He cursed and rushed to the sink after he had dropped the piping hot tray on the stove to cool down.

There, holding his sore hand under the cold water, the tears finally appeared. He didn’t want to cry because of Harry anymore. He had shed more than enough tears because of him over the years. It wasn’t fair that the man he hated the most in this world, still held such power over him.

But somehow, he had.

And that thought made him even angrier. He wiped the tears of frustration that fell effortlessly down his cheeks and switched the tap off. He walked next to the sofa and sat down like a robot. He reached for the remote and flipped the tv on, without even checking the channel. It really didn’t matter. Louis just sat there numbly, elbows resting against his knees and eyes staring at the bright colours of the patterned rug while his own mind just stayed monotone and blurry.

After a good ten minutes he gave up with a long sigh. He dragged himself to the bathroom and stripped his clothes off. Without bothering to hang them, he just kicked them in to the corner and left them there. It didn’t matter that he had just cleaned and organised everything. Louis washed himself and let the hot water beat down his emotionally drained body until the water made him feel like he was going to overheat.

He dried himself with a soft, green towel and quietly snuck into the bedroom. He took out a pair of clean boxers and a t-shirt from the closet and slipped them on. He made his way back to the kitchen, but he had lost his appetite. He just pushed the still too-warm tray of chicken into the fridge despite all the guidelines that say food should be cooled down before storing it. He couldn’t care less right now.

Once back in the bedroom he tiptoed over to the bed and slid between the cool sheets. The linen that usually felt so soft and soothing, now seemed like a sheet of lead had been placed over him. His heart was aching, the burn forming on his forearm was throbbing and his eyelids were stinging from shedding so many tears. Whether he wanted them to or not, when he eventually was able to fall asleep, it was escorted by tiny uncontrolled sobs.

Louis just wished they were the last tears he would ever shed for Harry Styles.

***

The next evening Louis was dragging his heavy shopping bags home after his visit to the local Tesco. Lottie had promised to pick Luca up from his daycare, so he could do the grocery shopping in peace, and Louis was grateful for her. Not only about tonight, but all the other things she did for them.

Louis knew it wasn’t ideal to have baby as a single parent and putting a six-month-old baby in childcare wasn’t ideal either, but he really hadn’t had choice when he had returned to work some three months ago. He had been able to stay home during the first few months, but then his financial situation couldn’t support it any longer. It was a situation he had to face but he had been lucky with how Luca’s day care had eventually settled out.

Perrie had been working at the same hospital with Louis until she had her first baby three years ago, and had decided to stay home with her daughter since then. They have been friends for years, and had seen one another from time to time outside the hospital too, but still Louis hadn’t expected her to be his saving grace. They had been out walking in the park with their kids and Louis had expressed his worry about taking Luca to daycare at such a young age, and Perry had suggested she could take care of him too, if it would be alright with Louis, of course.  

Louis hadn’t given her an answer straight away, but few a days later he had happily accepted her offer. Louis was sure she could take care of his child and being a pediatric nurse definitely wasn’t a con either. The only slight downside was, she didn’t live close to him but nonetheless this was still the best solution aside from staying home with his son himself. Also, he had been able to negotiate with his employer to work only weekday shifts for now. Sometimes he did weekends and some extra hours, like tonight, but mainly just dayshifts.  

Suffice it to say that Louis was happy with the situation overall.

But happiness wasn’t the dominating mood at the moment. The morning after the confrontation between himself and Harry, he felt remorseful for the way in which he handled the situation, despite the fact he was caught off guard and reacted on instinct, yet remorse isn’t something he should still feel after all these years. He had slept awfully and then Luca had woken him up for the second time that night at four, and refused to sleep until the front door had closed behind them on their way to Perrie’s. All Louis wanted to do now was crash in his bed and forget his overreaction from the previous night.    

Neither of his wishes came true.

When he was just rounding the corner onto his street, he saw the figure he hoped he never had to see again. But no such luck, as there he was again. He had on the similar ripped jeans and tan boots that he had worn so many times before, and a pair of alien-looking white-framed sunglasses resting atop of his shortly cut hair. His upper body was covered with a black hoodie with white text that read “Treat people with kindness” that made Louis roll his eyes so hard it almost hurt.

He’s _got_ to be kidding.

Louis had no time to think about the most inconvenient phrase when it came to Harry. He was now walking straight towards Louis like he was strutting down the catwalk instead of some random street in a London suburb, meanwhile Louis himself looked like the wreck of the Hesperus. The street was empty and there was no way Louis could avoid him without turning back in the opposite direction. For a moment he thought about it, but the weight of the shopping bags in his hands made it easier to make a decision. And frankly speaking, it would have made him look like a tosser.

But he didn’t have anything to say to Harry either, so he chose option number two, completely ignoring the curly-haired man as he bypassed him and almost succeeded. But of course, Harry had to open his massive gob and ruin everything.

“Hey, Lou.” He said cheerfully when they were about two metres apart. Louis should have just kept walking, but for some reason his feet stopped on the spot when he felt the rage in his veins boil up again.

“What did I tell you yesterday?” Louis said in a slow, intimidating tone, without bothering to look at Harry, who definitely had his eyes fixed on Louis. He could feel the tingle from his gaze on his skin and he hated the feeling more than anything.

“I just want to talk to you, Louis.” Harry repeated his sentence from the previous night almost word for word. His voice was slightly trembling, and hearing it gave a strange satisfaction to Louis.

“Yeah. And I clearly said, I don’t want to see you ever again.” Louis said steely with narrowed eyes. To amplify his words, he lifted his hand to point his finger towards Harry. He followed Harry’s eyes as they flew directly to the package of nappies in the bag, and watched as they widened with alarm when he realized what they were.

“Who are those for?” Harry sounded shocked when his gaze moved from the nappies to Louis and back again like he was watching some tennis game.

“Your _sources_ didn’t tell you that, then?” Louis asked sourly and let his hand fall down again. The bags were getting heavier all the time, but it wasn’t something he was going to admit to Harry.

“I never asked for anything but an address.” Harry admitted, and Louis saw there was already the next question cooking up in his small brain.

“Bummer.”

“Are they for my— I mean—” Louis scowled at Harry, making him stumble with his words. Louis stared at him with cold, steely eyes, but still it didn’t seem to be enough to mute Harry for good.

“Is the baby my niece or nephew?” Harry breathed out eventually when Louis had already slowly started to walk away.

“What?!?” Louis’ stopped. His fingers were gripping tightly around the handles of the bags before he burst.

“I asked—”

“I heard your fucking question!” Louis hissed turning towards him again with fury in his eyes.

“So?” Harry asked cocking his head curiously. But he was visibly nervous, his teeth sinking into his lower lips while he waited for Louis’ answer. Louis even didn’t know why he bothered to do so. But the words were just streaming out of his mouth like a string of poisonous pearls.   

“Do you _really_ think I would have a child with Zayn, Harry? Do you? You were the one who hammered the final nail on the coffin that used to be our relationship. Don’t you remember that? Because, I for sure, do. It was also the exact moment when you lost every single right to ever ask me anything again. You got what you wanted back then, so now, just fuck off and leave me and my son alone.” Louis yelled and was quite certain he saw some of the curtains sway on his neighbours windows when they tried to peer out to see what was going on outside.

“It’s a boy?” Of course, Harry had to grip onto that fact. Of fucking course.

“Not your fucking business.” Louis hissed.

“It’s a boy.” Harry sighed happily. “I can’t believe you have a son.”

“Yes, and I can’t believe you’re still here when I have told you half a dozen times to fuck off.” Louis’ patience was coming to a close any second now, but Harry didn’t seem to clue in.  

“Please, just let me talk to you for a moment.” Harry begged but it only made Louis angrier. How difficult was it for him to understand basic commands?

“Why should I do that? Give me one good reason why I should even share the same air as you, Harry. After everything you did to me last time. Just fucking tell me!” Louis yelled the last words.

Harry stared at his toes, biting his lip so long that Louis was sure he wouldn’t answer him. Eventually, he cautiously raised his gaze to meet Louis’. There was so much pain and sadness in his eyes when green met blue for the first time after years apart. Harry kept their eyes locked when he finally gave his answer.

“Because, I don’t want to die, Lou.” Harry whispered with glistening eyes and walked away leaving the words hanging heavily in the air.

***

“I can’t believe he has the nerve.” Louis muttered to himself as he dropped his keys onto the island worktop which stood across from the foyer. There was already a collection of various coloured bowls Lottie had convinced him were trendy and a necessity in every household. Louis could have easily lived without them, but his sister had been persistent and now the line of ceramics were home to a plethora of knick-knackery that ranged from mismatched socks to pens and an inordinate amount of dummies. Now added to the mix are keys he probably won’t find again. Louis was still waiting for Lottie to finally admit that, although aesthetically pleasing, the bowls end up being a catch all for random shit. It hasn’t come yet, but Louis’ got all the time in the world to wait for it.

After taking his shoes off, he grabbed the bags again and walked around the island worktop into the kitchen area. It was medium-sized with all the necessities packed on the end wall. There was a tiny dining table next to the huge window that covered the whole length of the open concept kitchen and living room. It was the one of the features Louis had loved from the beginning. Even if the flat wasn’t big, it was full of light during the day and made it look so much bigger.

The kitchen flowed seamlessly into the living room. The floors were laid with the same warm chestnut coloured hardwood and the walls were white throughout the flat. There was enough room for a dark grey convertible sofa with removable covers and the armchair to match. A small coffee table was placed in front of them and it was easy to relocate to make more space for Luca to play on the rug. The telly perched on the narrow white stand on the opposite wall. He really needs to get that hung on the wall soon as he needs to step up his child-proofing game before Luca starts cruising.

There were already toys spread across the floor despite Louis gathering them up the previous night. In the corner was a playpen and an activity centre, two things without which Louis couldn’t survive. Not now, when Luca crawled faster and faster every day, and even turning his back for a second sometimes was way too long.

Louis was unloading the bags when Lottie appeared from the bathroom, carrying the baby who was already wearing his PJs. The sight strangled Louis’ throat, and once again made him feel like a bad father when he didn’t have enough time to spend with his son. At least he could devote the next two days to spending quality time with him and it eased the feeling a little bit.

“Daa-” Luca babbled stretching his chubby baby arms towards Louis when he saw his dad standing in the kitchen.  

“Come here.” Louis took the baby from his sister and hugged him tightly. “How is my beautiful boy doing today? Have you been nice to aunty Lottie?” Louis smiled petting his son’s silky hair and made him burst a little giggle out. That adorable sound was something Louis really needed right now to get Harry and his ominous words out of his mind.

“I just fed and bathed him. I was about to put him bed.” Lottie explained. “But I assume you want to do it yourself?”

“Yeah. Gonna spend what little time I can with him.” Louis nodded. “You’re going to stay for dinner, aren’t you?”

“Sure. What did you have in mind? I could make it while you put him to sleep.”

“I was just planning to have that chicken I made yesterday. Warm it and maybe a salad on the side.”

“I’ll do it. Just put these away first.” Lottie said and took the shopping bags.

“Thanks, love.” Louis said as he grabbed the formula from the bag and poured it into baby bottle without spilling a drop, even with Luca in his other arm squirming restlessly. Louis put the bottle into the microwave and dropped the empty package he still held in his hands into the bin.    

“Now, say goodnight to auntie Lottie.” Louis said when the micro beeped. He watched how his sister pressed a small kiss to the baby’s forehead. Then he took out the bottle and checked the temperature of the milk. After deeming it safe to drink, he walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

The same colour palette continued throughout this room too, chestnut floor and white walls, the room itself was very minimalistic. There were built-in wardrobes on one wall and a large window facing west on the other. There was just enough room to fit the double bed in the middle and the crib in the corner next to it. The room didn’t feel so cramped as it maybe should have, perhaps the light streaming in from outside helped here too.

The sun was already slowly setting and painting the sky with different shades of pink. It was a pity to block the beautiful view, but he wanted to keep the room dark during the night. The brightness didn’t bother him, but Louis had noticed that Luca slept better during the night when the darkness stayed constant through the whole night.

Louis sat on the bed, his baby in his arms and gave him the bottle. He sung softly and watched his son finish his milk. He felt a bit restless and Louis anticipated it would be long battle to get him asleep. But for once, the universe seemed to be on his side and a mere twenty minutes later Louis was able to leave Luca sleeping peacefully and join Lottie in the kitchen.

“He’s sleeping?” Lottie asked while she placed the bowl of salad on the table. She had cut the chicken on the plates and turned towards the stove to put the veggies she had heated in a pan next to the poultry.

Louis nodded and pulled the chair out from behind to make enough room to slide on to it.

“Want a beer?” Louis normally didn’t drink when he knew he was alone with his son. Ok, he knew a beer or two didn’t get him drunk or anything, but it was more out of principle for him. But now, he nodded slowly to Lottie and accepted the offer. Since he came out from the serenity of the quiet bedroom into reality, his nerves had started to flare again.

_Fuck you, Harry Styles_ , Louis thought for the millionth time.

He hated how Harry, for the second time within 24 hours, had managed to crawl under his skin. He hated how he had managed to drive Louis to the brink of madness, and then the next moment could make Louis’ heart bleed with his desperate plea for help. He had no right to do that and it pissed Louis off again. His feelings towards Harry were like a roller coaster, and he hated that too. He didn’t want to feel like this. He didn’t want to feel anything towards Harry.

Nothing. Nada. Zip. End of story.

The best solution would have been if he had never even met Harry in the first place. But because he didn’t have a working time machine that would have helped him rewrite history, he should somehow figure out how to solve the present he was stuck in with Harry Styles. How to ghost him again, like he had done the past years.

“Are you ok?” Lottie’s voice echoed somewhere in the distance startling Louis from his thoughts.

“Yeah. Sure.” Louis replied poking his food on a plate.

“So, your mood doesn’t have anything to do with Harry then?” Lottie asked and Louis almost broke his neck at the rate he spun his head towards his sister, who was now innocently looking at him with her big blue eyes.

“What…?” How the hell did Lottie know his mood had something to do with Harry, unless…

“He stopped by. Left something for you, too.” Lottie announced cheerfully confirming Louis’ suspicion. “Must say I was slightly amazed to see him at your door. You didn’t tell me you’re seeing each other again.” Lottie confessed with a shit eating grin on her face.

“We’re not seeing each other.” Louis hissed gritting his teeth and refused to think about the small piece of paper Lottie had just pointed at laying on the table. She was the only person, along with his late mum, whom Louis had told the whole ugly truth to about him and Harry.

“But you don’t seem surprised he was here. Why?” Lottie said tilting her head in question.

“Because,” Louis sighed, “that dickhead decided to show up at my door last night. After six years, Lottie. Six fucking years! And he just acted like we’re all good. Best mates or summat.” Louis slammed his fist on the table.

“Which you obviously aren’t?”

“You think?” Louis snapped. “Do I look like I’m ok with him?” Louis continued pointing his index fingers towards himself. “Especially him coming to my home just like that.”

“So, you haven’t seen him since…?” Lottie twisted her hands awkwardly in the air while avoiding saying the actual words.

“He betrayed me? Got his revenge? Broke my heart?” Louis helped her willingly, a cold smile plastered on his face.

“What did he want, then?” Lottie ignored all his suggestions.

“To talk.” Louis huffed.

“About what?”

“I didn’t ask!” Louis pushed his chair back and stood up. He wasn’t so hungry after all.

“Why?” Lottie sat still but her eyes followed Louis’ every move.

“Because I don’t care.” Louis said staring out of the window.

“Who are you trying to convince, you or me?” Louis heard Lottie say with a soft voice.

“And what that’s supposed to mean?” Louis turned to look at his sister with narrowed eyes.

“Boo, I know you. I would even say better than anyone else, and I know you care.” Louis hated to admit that Lottie was right, but still he didn’t want to say it.

“I don’t.” Louis said in a small voice Harry’s last words still ringing in his head. “I don’t want to…”

“Did he say something then? Besides wanting to talk to you?” Lottie asked and walked over and stood next to her brother who was leaning his palms on the window sill, forehead pressed against the glass.

“Yeah.” Louis sighed and pushed himself up. He walked to the living room and curled up at the corner of the couch, with Lottie following straight behind.

“Want to share it with me?” Lottie laid his hand on Louis’ forearm to encourage him to talk.

“Not really,” Louis started and immediately Lottie’s long fingers started to press against his skin, “but I don’t think I have a choice.” Louis smirked weakly.

“Hah, you’re right about that.” Lottie grinned and nudged him gently. “Just spill it.”

“He was asking questions about Luca. And then—” Louis swallowed labourly. “And then when I asked him to give me one good reason why I should listen to what he has to say, he said—” Louis swallowed again.

“He said because he didn’t want to die.” Louis whispered. Hearing his own voice say it out loud sounded horrible and left his stomach in knots.  

“Oh.” Lottie marvelled but soon the bulb over her head lit and a knowing expression spread across her face. “Do you think it had something to do with his overdose?”

“What overdose?” Louis asked slowly, staring at Lottie with a dumbfounded look on his face.

“What do you mean, what overdose?” Lottie looked confused. “The one that almost killed him.”

“What?!?” Louis cried out, then immediately jumped up and quickly looked towards the bedroom and quietly listened a moment. Nothing was audible so his yell hadn’t woken the baby. Then he turned to Lottie again demanding an explanation.

“You aren’t serious?” Lottie laughed but when Louis just kept staring her, she realised Louis had no clue what she was talking about. “You really don’t know?”

Louis shook his head.

“How is it possible? It was plastered on the covers of all the tabloids.”

“I don’t read tabloids.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Should I say then that I don’t read tabloids when they write about Harry fucking Styles, because I don’t want to hear anything about him.”

“Alright then.” Lottie said and reached over to the coffee table and grabbed the remote.

“Don’t fuck with me now.” Louis said snatching the remote from his sister’s hand.

“You just said—”

“Don’t be a fucking smartass.” Louis snapped at her. Were the siblings always this annoying, or was it just him who had been blessed with the type?

“Lottie, please. Can you tell me what happened?” Louis begged with a friendlier tone when his sister was sitting on the sofa, arms crossed over her chest, her eyes pointed directly towards the dark tv screen. Then she suddenly grinned and patted the sofa inferring for Louis to sit down again, making Louis roll his eyes behind her back.

“I still don’t understand.” Lottie shook her head. “Ok, ok.” She quickly continued when she saw Louis’ face darken again. “But you know he is—  was in the band, right? One Direction.”

“Of course.” Louis rolled his eyes. Even if Louis had managed to escape any news involving Harry, One Direction’s success was something he was still very aware of. And Harry had already been in the band when they had seen each other last time. “The overdose, Lotts.”

“It happened about year and a half ago, I guess. It was close to the time when they started their hiatus anyway. The band went on a break.” Lottie explained when Louis looked confused.

“I know that.”

“Of course, you do.” Lottie said convincingly like to a small child tapping Louis’ forearm slightly before she continued. “There was a lot of gossip about why they went on a break at the height of their career, but nothing was ever confirmed. There were also rumours circulating about it being a suicide attempt.” Lottie explained, and Louis felt cold. Despite the fact that he hated Harry, he still didn’t want to hear anything like this.

“What happened next?” Louis closed his eyes frightened to hear what else Lottie had to tell him.

“Nothing. He seemed to vanish into thin air after that. There were only a handful of sightings. Then he suddenly dropped the single and the album is on the way.”

“That’s it?” Louis felt almost disappointed. Not that he wanted to hear anything else about overdoses or suicide attempts, but it still felt flat. He needed to know more, and at the same time, he was afraid of what he might find out.

“That’s it. I don’t know anything else.” Lottie said and got up from the couch. She went to the kitchen and started to clear the table. Between putting the dishes into the dishwasher, she glanced over Louis who was still in the same place on the sofa.

“You know, there is one person who could tell you the whole story. You should consider that option too.” She said then and continued her task.

The person, who had just begged him to talk, Louis completed the sentence in his mind. The dilemma was, he didn’t want to, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would.

But yet, it was all he could think about.

***

Almost a week later, Louis found himself in the front of his laptop watching some French tv programme where Harry was being interviewed. He had it muted, it was already hard enough to watch him, let alone hearing him speak, that would have made it even harder.

Louis looked at Harry’s mouth as he was talking on screen. It was as mesmerizing as always, his plush lips pursing in low-speed motion. Louis could almost hear his accent drawing out even if he didn’t hear his actual voice. And yes, it didn’t make it any easier either.

Harry was wearing a tight black t-shirt and a chequered vest with matching trousers, and he looked so flawless in the way only Harry could pull off. His face and eyes were radiating happiness while dimples danced on his cheeks when he was explaining something to the interviewer. But somehow, the only thing Louis was able to think about was Harry’s almost hopeless sounding voice when he had whispered ‘Because I don’t want to die, Lou.’. Those words had been haunting him ever since.

After his short conversation with Lottie, Louis had tried to Google a bit to fill in the missing pieces, but he just couldn’t. It felt like he had opened a can of worms, and they were spreading everywhere and there was nothing Louis could do to stop them. So put his phone down and figured it was best to be left in the dark for a little while longer.

Louis shook his head to get the images get out and focused his eyes back to Harry. But watching him made it even worse. How could someone look so happy and yet be so broken inside? And so alone that he needed to ask for help from the one person that hated him so much.

He slammed his laptop closed and made Harry disappear from his vision. But Louis’ heart ached so badly. And it was the last thing he wanted to feel. Maybe that was the final push he needed. There had to be a solution to get Harry out of his mind. If it required meeting him face to face, Louis was ready for it.

One time, and then he could keep living his life like he had before. And try to forget Harry again.

Louis reached for his phone and walked to the kitchen island. He dug in one of the bowls and found the wrinkled post-it with the unfamiliar number written on it with very familiar handwriting just where Louis had dumped it after Lottie had handed it to him. Louis tapped the number into his phone, wrote a short message “Let’s talk” and pressed send before he had time to change his mind.

***

Louis had regretted it ever since, but right now he was also freaking out. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this fucking nervous. Except maybe on the night his son was born, but that’s pretty much it. However, now he was pacing back and forth between his kitchen and the living room, and restlessly staring at his phone to check the time.

Harry should be here in less than fifteen minutes and Louis didn’t know if he wanted to halt time completely or make it speed up. The sooner their ‘talk’ was over, the faster Harry would be out of his life again and Louis could slide back to his normal life. But the main problem was, Louis had to face the man who so cruelly betrayed him all those years back so that he could move on. And even worse, he might have to have a real conversation with him and in this very moment it all felt too much.

It was five days since Louis texted him. It hadn’t taken long for Harry to reply. Probably as soon as his interview had been over, Louis had received a short message with a thank you and asking when and where. The latter had been the biggest problem to solve what it came to Louis. He knew they couldn’t go to any café or even to the park to have a private conversation, not when Harry was who he was. He didn’t want Harry to come into his home, but he didn’t want to go to his place either.

Louis had ended up inviting Harry to his flat. At least this way, he would get the home terf advantage. Lottie had promised to take care of Luca, and depending on how long it would take with Harry, he might sleep at Lottie’s too. Louis tried to keep his routines as regular as possible and dragging a sleeping baby out of his bed wasn’t something he wanted to do if he didn’t have to. But, his conscience once again reminded him about being a bad father.

Louis didn’t have time to dwell on it any deeper when a knock on the door cut his thoughts short, and suddenly he had no idea what he should do next. He stood still in the middle of the kitchen until he heard another series of knocks, this time even louder than the first ones. That seemed to be enough to startle him and he hurried to the door. He still had a choice not to open it, but after a moment’s hesitation he decided to just go for it. With a deep breath and a hand already on the knob, he was as ready as he would ever be and pulled the door open. Harry stood at the top of the staircase timidly smiling but Louis barely looked him in the eye.

“Hi.” He greeted Louis quietly.

“Come in.” Louis nodded and walked back to the kitchen without looking to see if Harry even followed him inside. Harry shuffled in quietly and took off his shoes in the foyer while he busied himself by filling the kettle with water and snapped it on. He took out two mugs without even bothering to ask Harry if he wanted tea or not. He took milk out of the fridge and added a splash into one mug, leaving the other still empty. After putting the milk away, he slowly rummaged through the cupboard to find the teabags. He knew exactly where they were, but he needed something to keep his hands occupied with while the kettle seemed to take an eternity to boil.

Louis felt Harry’s eyes bore into his back and it made him even more nervous than he had been before. He tried to stop his hands from shaking without really succeeding with it when he dropped the tea bags into mugs. God only knows why, but he almost burst out a nervous laugh when the switch finally clicked as a sign the water was ready to be poured. He tore the piece of paper towel for the used tea bags and carried the mugs into the living room, Harry’s gaze following his every move. He placed the cups on the coffee table and plopped himself on the sofa.

“That’s your tea.” He said to Harry who was now slowly walking towards the sofa, eyes glued to the pictures hanging on the wall. The majority of them were family portraits, but most of them were Luca at different ages of his first year.

“Your son is so beautiful.” Harry said smiling now looking straight at Louis. Babies had always been a soft spot for Harry, but Louis didn’t let the fact mislead him.

“I know.” Louis replied anyway with a softer tone that he had meant to. Luca was his soft point too, there was no deny for it.

“Is he here?” Harry’s curious eyes moved to the closed bedroom door as if he was wondering if he might be on the other side.

“Do you really think I would let my son be in the same room with someone like you?” Louis retorted and Harry’s shoulders slouched at the harshness of Louis’ words. Well, he was just telling the truth and Harry should be able to take it. You make the bed you lie in it. Simple as that.

“Sit.” Louis finally said rolling his eyes when Harry just stood there, cautiously glimpsing at the couch. At Louis’ command, he stumbled closer and carefully sat down onto the other end of it.

“Thank you, Louis.” He breathed out and added immediately “For meeting me, I mean. I really appreciate it.”

“Yeah.” Louis really wasn’t going to make this any easier for Harry. He deserved every frigid word after everything he had done. He might have promised to hear him out, but he certainly hadn’t forgot about what had transpired between them.

“This is for you.” Harry handed over the paper bag he had been holding to a confused-looking Louis. “Open it.” Harry continued with a hint of excitement in his voice. He had always been more enthusiastic about giving a present than receiving them and it looked like it hadn’t changed over the years.

Louis sighed loudly and snatched the bag from Harry. He glanced at him suspiciously and maybe it was something in Harry’s expecting expression or something, but he suddenly had a distant hunch what it might be and a quick peek inside the paper bag confirmed it.

“A brownie?” Louis said flatly when he raised his gaze to meet Harry cocking his brow. “Seriously, Harry?”

“I— I thought it was funny— Well not funny, but— ” He stammered a bit. “Cause you gave me one back then…” His voice faded down with every word and at the end he was just staring his fiddling fingers.

“Do you see me laughing?” Louis asked him narrowing his eyes into thin lines when he looked at Harry.

“Umm— No...?” Harry replied biting his lip. “But when you—"

“And you must be delusional if you think that I would forgive you because of this.” Louis interrupted him and waved the bag into the air before he dropped it on the table.

“Uhh—” Harry gulped making his Adam’s apple visible bop in his throat. “No, of course not.”

“Good.” Louis would never admit to Harry, or himself either, that in a weird Harry-way, bringing the brownie was kind of a cute gesture.

Silence fell over them as they both sipped their teas, saying nothing. Eventually it was Louis who broke the silence when he couldn’t endure it any longer.

“What are you actually doing here, Harry?” He snapped while leaning onto the arm of the sofa to hoist himself up a little bit. He placed the mug on the table and turned to look at Harry who slouched on the sofa quietly.

“You asked me to?” He twisted his face awkwardly.

“Harry!” Louis snarled, perhaps a bit more feisty that he intended to, but their conversation wasn’t leading anywhere this way.

“I needed to talk to you.”

“Yeah. I got that part, too.” Louis huffed and irritation was really rearing its head again. “About what, is the question I’m looking for the answer to, and if I’m not going to get it soon, this visit is over very quickly.”

“Yeah, ok. Good.” Harry looked like he was giving himself a pep talk inwardly before he finally started to talk. “First of all, I owe you a massive apology. I know, you don’t believe me when I say I regret everything I did to you. But I do. Every single day since.” Harry looked so sincere with big begging eyes, but Louis wasn’t going to buy any of it.

“You just got yourself one point for the correct assumption, because I really don’t believe you.” Louis said giving Harry a sarcastic applause.

“And you have every reason not to. But I hope that someday you could forgive me.” Harry tried one more time.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t hold my breath on that either, mate.” Louis snorted and reached for his tea to take a swig.

“I know and that’s only fair because I haven’t forgiven myself either.” Harry added quietly.

“You haven’t?” The question slipped before Louis even realised. Fuck.

“How could I?” Harry asked with sad eyes. “You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Don’t.” Louis warned as he pointed his finger at him. He didn’t want to hear that bullshit. If it had been true, there was no way Harry would have treated him the way he did.

“Don’t what?” Harry furrowed.

“If you even have to ask, I think we’re done here.” Louis jumped up from the sofa grabbing his mug and walked to the kitchen. He gulped down the last drops and flipped the kettle on again. When he had done that, he turned to look at Harry again only to see he was now standing as well and just looking at Louis.

“I can hear you from here, so feel free to continue.” Louis swiped the air with his hand and turned his back him again.

“I need you.” Harry whispered.

“Excuse me?!?” Louis’ head whipped towards Harry and was sure he didn’t hear him correctly, because not even Harry could blurt out something like that in this situation. Or maybe he really had lost his marbles for good.

“I know it might be too much to ask—”

“Hah!” Louis sneered interrupting him and marched to the living room to pick up Harry’s mug.

“Louis, please. Let me talk.” Louis glanced up at Harry who was now standing way too close to him and there it was again. That damn kicked puppy look Louis had seen on him that day two weeks back when they had met on the street. “I meant it then.” Harry continued like he had read Louis’ thoughts. “I need you because I don’t want to die.”

“What makes you think you would die, Harry?” Louis squeezed his eyes closed and prayed he was wrong, Lottie was wrong and the whole stupid internet was wrong about this and Harry wouldn’t say anything Louis was afraid he might.

“Because I’m a drug addict.” There it was. The naked truth told by Harry himself and now there was nothing Louis could say to deny it to himself. He swiftly took Harry’s mug from the table despite that it was still half full, and returned to the kitchen.

”Lou, please say something.” Harry said when Louis just leaned against the worktop trying to calm himself down. He shouldn’t react like this. This was Harry they were talking about. But at the same time, Louis knew that was also the exact reason why his reaction was so strong. Because they were talking about Harry.

”Just make us more tea.” Louis said with a smothered voice, eyes tightly squeezed shut. Tea wasn’t what he needed now, but a cigarette definitely was. Even though it would sound like a lousy excuse, which it obviously was, Louis called out to Harry that he needed to make a quick ring to Lottie, and he would be back in a moment, before rushing out of the front door, and then running down the stairs and out to the street.

***

Harry was sitting on the couch again and just briefly glanced at Louis when he heard him step in. Louis was certain Harry didn’t believe him, but he didn’t say anything when Louis came back a few minutes later distinctly smelling of cigarette smoke. Smoking had settled his nerves temporarily, nonetheless the uneasy feeling was already creeping back. It wasn’t until Louis set himself next to him when he finally spoke.

“I made the cuppas.” Harry nodded towards the steaming mugs on the table. Louis sensed he was nervous too. In contrast to Louis, he was able to pull a tiny half-smile although it felt a bit strained and that gave it away. An outsider perhaps wouldn’t notice a thing, however for someone who had known him as closely as Louis had, it was still easy to catch after all these years.

This was the first time Louis let himself study Harry’s appearance a bit longer than a couple of seconds. His eyes were still as green as they had always been, but they weren’t so innocent and carefree as they used to, and very thin lines were already visible in the corners of his eyes. He’s twenty eight years old, Louis reminded himself, but somehow the thought didn’t help the way he had hoped it would. In a weird way Louis had expected to meet the same Harry he used to know, but instead he was looking at the man who suddenly felt like a stranger and it made him confused.

“Thanks.” Louis replied when he realised Harry was still waiting for his response. Louis let out a long exhale encouraging himself inaudibly. When he was outside he had promised himself he would listen to what Harry had to say like a civilized human being, and then afterwards he could kick him out. But for some reason his willpower had vanished into thin air and Louis didn’t like the feeling.

“Oh!” Louis looked at Harry with surprise in his eyes when he tasted his tea. How could Harry still make his tea exactly the way he liked it? “How did you remember?”

“You have always been a little high maintenance with your tea, Lou. How could I forget?” Harry gave a little laugh but looked seemingly pleased.

“It’s been over six years since the last time you made me tea.” Louis pointed out and something in his chest twisted again. Before he could identify that feeling, he quickly continued. “Would you like to tell me what happened during those years and why exactly you are here now?”

“Do you know anything?” Harry asked awkwardly, almost sounding embarrassed.

“I know your band got pretty famous.” Louis shrugged, it really wasn’t so far from the truth.

“You could say that.” Harry laughed. “After the first single everything exploded, and we skyrocketed to fame way too fast.”

“Is that the reason why you became an addict? The same old story; too much, too soon?” Louis asked wanting to get straight to the point. Patience had never been his virtue, but at the moment it was even shorter than usual. He only hoped he could skip the answers too.

“I don’t know.” Harry shrugged. “I think it was a combination of many things but mostly I tried to suffocate the pain I was feeling. Losing you because of all the things I did.”

“So, you’re are saying I’m the reason you became a junkie?” Louis sneered and looked at Harry with angry eyes.

“No, no. Of course, I’m not blaming you!” Harry rushed to explain. “Like I said there is no one reason why it happened. I didn’t even realise I was using as much as I did.”

“When did you realise it then?”

“When I woke up in the hospital after I almost died of an overdose.” Harry said with a steady voice and Louis got chills even knowing he would hear something like this at some point. But yet, he wasn’t ready. He would never be ready, to be honest.

A single “How?” was only word Louis managed to utter from his mouth.

“It was right after our last show. It was my band mates wish, the hiatus, you know. They didn’t want to work with me anymore because they saw the destruction my addiction was causing way before I was able to. Suddenly it all just felt too much. I recognised my career was over and somehow started to realise I had managed to blow it just by being me. Same way I had given up the love of my life years ago just because of some stupid revenge. I had let down my best friend too and he ended up dead. I think it was just the moment I realised I had nothing left. I went back to my hotel and then woke up in the hospital the next day.” Harry told him calmly, but inside Louis a storm was raging and he wanted to hide from it. But he just couldn’t. Instead, he forced himself to go in the eye of it with his next question.

”Did you do it on purpose?”

”Did I what on purpose?” Harry asked his eyebrows knitting slightly the way they always did when he was confused.

”When you overdosed? Were — Were you trying to kill yourself?” Louis swallowed the lump in his throat while his fingertips were pressing way too sternly against the mug he was still holding.  

Harry was quiet for such a long time and Louis wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to know the answer anymore. He was too afraid to hear it.

”No, Louis. No, I wasn’t.” After a deafening silence Harry finally started to talk, and Louis sighed relievedly. “I have thought about it a lot. I kind of knew I was going to take too much. I mean, I cut a bigger line than I usually did. But I didn’t know it was going to be too much for my body to handle. I just wanted to forget everything for a while. Just enjoy the feeling where I didn’t have to think about anything. But almost immediately after I took the shit, I knew it wasn’t good. I guess I had guardian angels with me that night. The driver had informed Jeff when he had returned to the venue saying my behaviour had been even weirder than usual. ”

“He found you and called the ambulance?” Louis asked and Harry nodded. Now he only had to know who this Jeff guy was, but he could do it later. If he still wanted, of course.

”Have you thought about it sometimes? Killing yourself?” Louis didn’t know why he was asking these questions. Maybe he just needed to know. Silence fell down again but this time after a moment, Harry nodded making Louis’ heart drop.

“Yeah, a few times. I don’t think I would have done it, but when I had my dark moments, I played with the idea. Thinking if anyone would even miss me if I was gone.”

“I think there would be millions of fans who would.” Louis tried to give a laugh, but it just came out as uncomfortable sound.

“Yeah, but aside from that I don’t have anyone anymore that I can turn to.” Harry said sadly.

“It’s a little bit hard to believe that a superstar like you, doesn’t have any friends.” Louis rolled his eyes.

“I have people around me. A lot. But it’s it hard to tell if they are there because of me, or because who I am. I can’t trust anyone. And after I became clean, it’s been even more difficult.” Louis realised that would also explain why Harry didn’t mention anything about Nick. He had been a real friend to Harry, Louis was sure about it. But he also knew the circles he used to hang with and those certainly weren’t the good ones for a recovering addict.

“How long have you been clean now, Harry?”

“19 months.”

“You haven’t used ever since the overdose?” Somehow it sounded too good to be true.

“No. Not the coke.” Harry said elusively.

“But…?” Louis knew there was a ‘but’ and he wasn’t going to like it either.

“But I started to drink more. I used it as a substitute for some time until I realised, I had to give it up too. I don’t think of myself as an alcoholic, but it definitely is a problem for me. It wouldn’t have taken much to become an alcoholic too. So yeah, I also gave it up.” Louis didn’t have first, or even second-hand experience with addictions, but still Harry’s story sounded way too smooth and it definitely bothered Louis.

“Ok.” Louis said anyway. He’d got some answers but there was one still missing. “But what you’ve just told me doesn’t explain why you’re here now?”

“I told you that I really don’t know people who I could call friends. That’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m here right now.” Harry explained smiling sadly.

“I’m not your friend either. Actually, I’m nothing to you.” Louis reminded him not so friendly way.

“I know.” Harry sighed. “And I can only blame myself for that. But I’m still begging you to consider that someday you could be. I also know it’s a lot to ask, but I still hope you could just think about it.”

“Why me though? I still don’t get it?” Harry’s explanation just didn’t make any sense to him.

“Because I don’t know myself anymore, Louis. You’re the only person in my life who knows me before I became _Harry Styles_.” This time Louis swallowed the ugly words that tried to slip his mouth.

“Your family and friends back home know you too.” He said instead.

“Yeah, they do. But they aren’t part of my life anymore.” Harry shrugged staring off somewhere in the distance out the window.

“Have you considered maybe they should be?” Louis asked thinking how the hell had he ended up playing psychologist with his nemesis?  

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m just not ready to see them again.” Harry replied shortly.

“But you were ready to see me? I just don’t get it.” Louis sighed shaking his head slightly.

“I’m really trying to compensate for what I did in my past and I started with you because you were the obvious one. And also the most difficult one too. I had no choice. It was you or nothing.”

For once, Louis had no idea what to say. Suddenly he felt exhausted like he had just run a marathon. His head was pounding and starting to ache. Everything just felt too much right now.

Perhaps Harry saw it too, because he got up and started to walk towards the door. He slipped his shoes on and just before disappearing out of Louis’ sight, he turned to look at him one more time.

“Thank you, Louis. I really mean it. I know my presence is upsetting you, and I also understand if you don’t want to see me ever again. I would be devastated, but I would totally respect your choice. I leave it all for you to decide. If I don’t hear anything from you, I’ll just leave you alone. Bye, Lou.” Harry smiled weakly and then he was gone.

Had he gone forever? Louis didn’t know. He couldn’t think about it now.

He still didn’t know what he should do the next day. Or the day after that either. It was almost a week later when he finally had made his decision, even if he didn’t know how he had ended up making one. He hadn’t forgiven Harry, not even close. But somehow, he couldn’t turn his back on him either.

‘Thanks for the brownie.’ Flashed on the screen just before the message was sent to Harry.

Whether his decision was right or wrong, only time would tell.

***

Louis was setting the last of the dirty cups into the dishwasher when a series of rushed knocks on the door frightened him, and he quickly glanced at the time displayed on the microwave. It was almost half ten and the realization caused his pulse to beat frantically for a few beats because no one else other than his sisters had access into the building at this time of the night. Louis padded quickly to the door and yanked it open, only to find a soaking wet Harry standing at the top of the stairway. He looked like he had run a mile in the rain as he was trying to catch his breath, in his tailored suit which was dripping water on the landing. His eyes were big and raving, and for a moment Louis thought he had taken something because his pupils were the size of saucers.

“Harry!” Louis exclaimed astonished. “What are you doing here?””

He hadn’t seen Harry since they talked a few weeks ago. They had sent texts back and forth over the weeks, just to keep loosely connected, but that has pretty much been it. Nothing deep, nothing distinctive, just a couple of impersonal messages that gave nothing away. Louis knew Harry had been out of the country for a while promoting something but hadn’t bothered to dig any deeper or extract more information about it. It hadn’t been his business. However, Harry seemed to be back and looked very much like he would be Louis’ problem right now.

“Can I come in?” Harry panted and Louis scared he was going to faint in any second, so ashen his face was.

“Yeah, ok?” He said stepping aside to let Harry in. What else could have he said?

“Thanks.” Harry whispered once he stood in the foyer not knowing what to do next. He was shaking, but Louis couldn’t tell if it was because of being cold and damp or the side effects from something a little more sinister.

“Harry,” Louis started already hesitant for his response, “have you taken something? I must know because Luca is here and if you have, you must go.” There was zero tolerance for any drugs in his house nowadays.

“No!” He shook his head vigorously and Louis let out a silent sigh of relief. “No. But I was so badly tempted to. I didn’t know what else to do, so I came here.”

Perhaps it was the nurse in Louis who woke up immediately and rushed Harry further inside.

“Of course, it’s alright.” Louis assured him, despite his mind not completely agreeing with his words. But there was no way he could have kicked Harry, or anyone else for that matter, out in the same situation.

“Thank you.” Harry whispered again and the series of shivers trembled throughout his slim body.

“It’s alright.” Louis said again and touched Harry’s arm carefully. “Really, Harry.”

Harry just stood there stagnantly, Louis wasn’t even sure if he even heard him.

“Ok, here’s the plan.” Louis grabbed Harry’s arm a bit tighter to catch his attention. When Harry focused his bewildered eyes on Louis, he slowly explained to Harry what they were about to do next, in an effort to get him to calm down.

“I’m going to get you a towel and some dry clothes. I want you to take a hot shower, so you’ll warm up. While you’re doing that I’m going to make us tea, and then you can tell me what happened. Sound good?”

Harry nodded briefly and Louis snuck into the dark bedroom to get him some sweatpants to wear. He also lined up a pair of boxers, socks, t-shirt and a fleece hoodie in case Harry still felt cold after his shower. He took them to the bathroom and laid them out next to the sink. He opened the tall, narrow closet and took out a big, soft towel and hung it on the hook.

“Just leave your wet clothes there. I’ll take care of them later. Ok?” Louis asked when he guided Harry through the bathroom doorway and closed the door behind him.

Soon he heard the muffled roar of the shower. Louis got everything ready on the counter, and even pre-boiled the water. He rummaged through the cupboard and found some biscuits, which he placed on the coffee table. When the shower eventually stopped running, Louis flipped the kettle on to reboil the water. Shortly after, he had their tea ready and he waited on the couch for a less-frazzled Harry to join him.

Moments later he emerged from the bathroom, looking tiny and soft as he curled up in the corner of the couch, covering himself with a faux fur throw after Louis handed him his mug. He seemed calmer but his eyes were still terrified and wild.

“Feeling any better?” Louis asked and Harry nodded briefly but refused to look at Louis.

“Good.” Louis didn’t say more, just waited for Harry to talk. He needed to feel he was safe, and Louis hoped he and his living room was enough to secure that feeling inside Harry. It likely was, because a good five minutes later Harry suddenly startled and looked at Louis like he just remembered where he was. He quickly turned his head away, and instead of falling into a silence again, he started to talk in a quiet voice. It had always been easier for Harry to talk when he wasn’t being looked at directly, so Louis concentrated on the mug in his hands and let Harry talk.

“There was a party tonight. I don’t usually go to those anymore because there is always someone who brought party favours. And if not drugs, there is always alcohol. But for some reason alcohol is easier for me to avoid, and I don’t get tempted too much by it. I mean, it’s banned for me forever, but still. However, coke…” Harry’s voice faded when he pulled his legs against his chest and rested his chin on the knees staring at a group of pictures hanging on the wall.

“Anyway, today I had to go this party. It was a launch for my album and held by my record company. Wanted or not, it’s still part of my job. It all went well in the beginning and I was actually having a good time. Meeting people, talking about my album. But then I went to the bathroom to have a wee. I stepped inside and first thing I saw there was small bag of cocaine someone must have left behind on the counter. I didn’t know who it belonged, because I didn’t see anyone. It was all quiet and I realised I was there alone — just me and the coke.” Harry stopped briefly, a pained expression on his face, still he forced himself to carry on.

“I couldn’t help but step closer and take the bag. Even touching it was such a strong feeling. I already sensed how would it make me feel. I was just about to open the bag when someone entered the bathroom. It was the moment I realised how close I had been to relapse. I just stuffed it in my pocket and ran here. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“You still have the stuff?” Louis jumped up from the sofa where he had listened to Harry’s story, and every word had struck a chill in him but hearing Harry still might have the drugs was absolutely the worst.

“What...?” Harry replied absent-mindedly.

“You just said you shoved the stuff into your pocket. Is it still there?” Louis yell whispered him angrily.

Harry’s eyes widened when he finally understood Louis’ question. “Shit.”

“Fuck Harry!” Louis rushed to the bathroom and delved into all the pockets of Harry’s soaking wet suit. He finally found the small resealable plastic bag in the pocket of his trousers. He didn’t hesitate to pour all the contents into the toilet and flush it. He rinsed the bag so many times until he was sure there wasn’t anything left inside. And lastly, he crammed it into the bin burying it under the other garbage.

Only when he was sure he disposed of all remnants of the illicit drug did Louis check on Harry again. He was still in the same position on the sofa. His arms were wrapped around his legs and he was slightly swaying himself, forehead pressed tightly against his knees. Louis moved closer. Harry must have heard his steps and he slightly lifted his tear splotched face.

“I didn’t remember it was there.” He whispered pain in his voice. “When I figured what I was about to do, I panicked. All I thought was how to get here. When you opened the door, I was so relieved I wasn’t alone anymore and forgot it. I’m sorry, Lou. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Louis dropped to his knees in front of Harry, taking his hands into his owns.

“Harry. Haz.” Louis said firmly squeezing his hand. “I believe you. I do. I just got scared too.”

“I was so horrified. I don’t want to go back to that hell anymore but tonight I understood how easy would it be, and it scares me to death.” Harry sobbed and Louis couldn’t bear it anymore. He had to hug him, no matter how he felt about Harry. He clambered onto the sofa next to Harry and pulled him closer, so his head was resting against Louis’ chest. Louis wrapped his arms tightly around him and let Harry cry. Louis gently rubbed his scalp the way Harry liked, and it always seemed to sooth him, this time being no exception.

Louis wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, knitted together like that, until Harry finally seemed to calm down and just got sleepy. There was no way Louis would abandon him now and send him away. His nurse ego was too much in control at the moment and it was strong enough to push all the other thoughts from his mind.

“You tired?” He asked even if he saw Harry’s almost closed eyelids and felt his limp body against his own.

“Mmmm.” Harry mumbled with a sleepy voice.

“Want to sleep here?” Louis asked next and that made Harry raise his head eyes filled with questions.

“You’d let me sleep here? After everything I did?” He asked astonished. He didn’t clarify if he meant tonight or what happened years ago, but it really didn’t matter right now. All Louis wanted to keep Harry safe from himself and if this was the way to do it, he would do it.

“Of course.” Louis smiled him assuringly and hoisted himself up to get Harry a pillow and a duvet. He made it halfway to the bedroom when he stopped and turned around. For few seconds he observed the fragile looking lad curled on the couch and on a whim, he said something he never thought he would say again.

“C’mon. You can sleep in my bed.”

“But— But where would you sleep?” Harry asked so confused it made Louis let out a small laugh.

“In my bed, it’s big enough for two.” He smiled. “Come, before I change my mind.”

Harry stumbled quickly off the sofa and followed Louis to the bedroom door where he gave a tight hug to the smaller lad thanking him one more time.

“You’re welcome. But, you have to keep quiet because Luca is sleeping.” Louis said nodding towards the crib on the corner. He saw Harry’s curious eyes peering that way but without saying a word, he sat on the bed. It all felt so oddly familiar. Harry sitting on his bed, on the side he always used to sleep. Not obviously in this bed, but when they had laid in bed, there had been Harry’ side and Louis’ side. And that didn’t seem to change.

Neither did the warm feeling that filled Louis when Harry finally was asleep next to him hugging his pillow. At the end of the day it was Louis who shifted a bit closer to Harry. It probably didn’t take more than a minute for him to fall asleep, curling against Harry’s warm back. .

***

Louis woke up in the middle of the night. His bedroom was silent and there was no one sleeping next to him. For a moment Louis imagined a panicked Harry fleeing his flat in the middle of the night, but then something pulled him back into the reality of the moment and he became aware of his surroundings. It wasn’t a particular noise or sound, it was the absence of it.

“Luca!”, was his first thought. Something must have happened because it was too silent. He leapt to his cot, only to find it empty. Panic was starting to rise as he rushed bullishly to the living room before coming to an abrupt halt. He didn’t know what to expect but it sure wasn’t Harry sitting in the armchair, with Luca nestled in the crook of his arm, feeding him his bottle.

“Hi,” He whispered. “Hope you don’t mind. He woke up and you were sleeping, so I didn’t want to disturb you. I changed his nappy first and then found his formula in the kitchen and warmed it up.” Harry explained like he was father of five instead of a world-famous musician who had spent the past six years living a life fueled almost entirely by sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s fine.” Louis said nonchalantly, although inwardly he wasn’t quite so sure about it. However, they looked so adorable together and Louis couldn’t drag his eyes away from them. Luca seemed happy cradled in Harry’s lap and there was a certain peace in Harry’s eyes that Louis hadn’t expected to find so quickly after last night’s meltdown.

Louis sat down in the corner of the soft couch, and tucked his feet under his bum. He tipped his head to the side, so his cheek was leaning against the backrest and he tried valiantly to keep his eyes open. He’d gotten used to waking up every night at least once, but it didn’t make it easier at all, it actually made it worse. Louis couldn’t recall the last time he had slept through the night uninterrupted, or even a time when he hadn’t felt weary because of it. It seemed to be more or less a chronic condition for him nowadays.

Harry raised his gaze to Louis briefly before he quickly turned it back to the baby. He bit his lip nervously like he was having an inner battle with himself and Louis’ instinct told him he was the cause of it.

“I know you don’t trust me, or even like me,” Harry added rapidly when he saw Louis’ stare. “but I can handle this.” This time Harry nodded towards infant who was drinking the last drops of milk from his bottle and was already on verge of falling asleep again.

“Go to sleep, Louis.” Harry said more firmly when Louis just stared him with tired eyes.

“I’m fin—"

“I know you are fine with waiting for him to drift back asleep, but you don’t have to. You look exhausted and you should go back to bed. We’ll be there in a moment.” The word ‘we’ jarred Louis’ ears unpleasantly but when he realised he had no energy to even correct it, Louis had to admit Harry was right.

It was probably just his exhaustion talking when he heard himself saying a faint ‘yeah, you’re right, I’m knackered’ to Harry as he climbed up from the couch. Once he was back at the bedroom door, he turned around to watch the duo in the living room one more time before he finally gave up with a sigh. He laid down, pulled the duvet up over his shoulders and less than ten seconds later he was already asleep.

***

Louis wasn’t sure how it all happened in the very end. The next morning, when Louis had woken up well rested, it was almost midday. He couldn’t even remember when he had felt so well rested than he had on that Saturday morning. Alright, maybe not morning officially, but whatever.

He had found a fresh looking Harry in the kitchen, baby perched on his hip, and secured in one arm other and a spatula in another and he was stirring something in the pan with it. Based on the aromas floating in the air, Louis would say it was bacon and eggs, and even the thought of food made his stomach growl impatiently.  

“Are you hungry?” Harry asked when he had already plated the food and handed it to Louis who was still standing in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing what he should do next. Or even more, what should he think about this cosiness that had abruptly enveloped them without any warning. Perhaps he was still drowsy from his long blissful sleep, but he sheepishly took the plate from Harry after he had pressed a small kiss to his son’s soft cheek.

“I can take him now.” Louis said when he sat down by the table and was immediately served a steaming cup of tea by Harry.

“Nonsense. Eat in peace and we’re going to entertain each other. Aren’t we, Luca?” Harry replied smiling at the baby and walked to the living room where the coffee table had already been pushed aside. He sat down on the floor and laid the infant down next to him. Louis couldn’t see them properly but the joyful giggles his son emitted told him more than his vision ever would.

Was it that, or something else which had made him ask Harry to stay a bit longer with them? That day had turned into night, and the following days had turned to weeks. Not that Harry had been with them 24/7, but a lot anyway. When Harry was in London, he was spending time at Louis’.

They had created some sort of fragile coexistence that worked both ways. It seemed the ‘coke incident’ had scared Harry more than he admitted, and he didn’t want to be alone. And whether Louis wanted to admit it or not, he was more than grateful to Harry for his help with Luca. Louis had felt more alive and present than he had in ages, instead of just going through the motions, but that wasn’t all. He had noticed how much it meant to him to have adult company to spend time with. And if the word adult was really a synonym for Harry in his mind, he didn’t want to think about that too deeply.

It wasn’t until a couple of months later when Louis understood how much their relationship had changed during the weeks they spent together.

”Please, Phoebe.” Louis begged on the phone. ”I really need a sitter for him. Lottie is on a work trip in Italy and I can’t take him to Perrie’s either because this is an extra shift. But I need money, and this would pay well.”

”Ok, yeah I get it. Thanks anyway. Love you. Bye.” Louis sighed before ended the phone call. ”Shit. Shit!”

“What’s going on?” Harry asked from the kitchen where he was preparing their dinner. Harry had always liked cooking, and Louis didn’t mind him doing it now either. Perhaps nowadays he was able to cook more than just burnt toast and pot noodles, but still wasn’t something he would say he enjoyed.

”I can’t find babysitter for Luca on Saturday. All of my sisters seem to be out of the city same weekend. Just my luck.” Louis told him, grabbing the OJ cartoon from the fridge and taking a swig under Harry’s disapproving eye. He didn’t say anything about the juice, but instead something else that took Louis by surprise.

”I could baby sit him.” Harry said timidly staring the tips of his toes.

“What?” Louis looked at him with confusion under his brows. He shouldn’t even be so taken off guard if he gave it better thought, but it still did.

“I have nothing else going on for Saturday. So, if you let me, I could babysit him then so you can do that shift if it’s something you needed to do.” Harry explained, staring at the hanging fern behind Louis, avoiding all eye contact.

Louis heard the subtle hint about his financial situation, but Harry was wise enough not to dig any deeper into that topic. Louis also knew he only had to ask, and Harry would have lent him the money he needed to pay his rent after some extra bills had tipped him over budget. Or even more, Harry would’ve given him the money without even asking what it was for, but he wasn’t with Harry because of his money.

Wasn’t friends with Harry, he immediately corrected in his mind.

He definitely wasn’t _with_ Harry, and he wasn’t even sure if they were friends either. Louis hadn’t forgotten nor forgiven his previous actions, but most of the time now, he was able to push them into the background. Technically, Harry’s ask shouldn’t even be a big deal, he took care of Luca all the time when he was around. He adored the baby and vice versa, but still Louis wasn’t able to give him an answer straight away.

“Can I think about it a while?” Louis said when he turned to put the juice back into the fridge.

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” Harry replied quickly. Louis didn’t see his face, but the disappointment was audible in his voice, and in a way, Louis understood him. But then again situations like this showed clearly how vulnerable their relationship really was. The burden of their past was still there, buried under the thin truce they had formed and there was nothing they could do to lift it.

Not even if they had wanted to.

***

Of course, in the end he let Harry baby sit. He had subconsciously known it since the question was posed in the first place, but it had taken more time to come to terms with it on his own. Because, allowing Harry to do this, he would admit not only himself but Harry too they had crossed the invisible line in their relationship.

Time for crossing another line, an even bigger one, came about a week later.

It wasn’t uncommon anymore for Harry to spend his nights at Louis’. Usually when Luca was already sleeping, they nestled on the sofa and watched a film or two before heading to bed. It had been an unwritten rule that neither of them had tried anything more than cuddling. Frankly speaking, Harry hadn’t even expressed an interest in anything else. At first, it had been a relief, but nowadays Louis wasn’t so sure anymore.

He couldn’t even pinpoint the exact moment that, for the first time in a long time, he wanted to kiss Harry. Not the light pecks on the cheeks Harry used to give him when they greeted, but really snog him.

The longing and want had been growing inside Louis and it was like an itch which didn’t go away regardless of how much you scratched it. He didn’t want to feel like this, but he had no idea how to make it disappear either. Lousy wanks in the shower helped momentarily but then the same feeling always returned like a damn boomerang to fuck Louis’ mind up.

Just like now.

Harry’s head was resting against his thigh. Before Harry had fallen asleep, Louis had slid his fingers through his messy curls and massaged his scalp gently to help him to relax, and continued with it while Harry was sleeping. Harry whined a bit under his touch and somehow the sound shot straight to Louis’ groin. He knew immediately that he should move and get up before Harry would wake up.

And especially before he would do something stupid. Like shifting himself even closer to the other man. But before he had time to act, Harry whined again, this time louder and started to slowly rut himself against the cushion in his sleep. His shorts tented suspiciously, and the sight of his stiffened cock didn’t make Louis feel any easier.

He was getting harder with every move Harry made, even though he wasn’t even touching Louis’ dick. But God, Louis wanted him to. He hated himself for the thought, but all he could think right now was Harry’s perfect mouth and his delicate hands wrapping around his length. Louis couldn’t let himself think about Harry’s dick doing things to him because he would probably come just at the thought. It had been so long since someone had touched him, but now he was desperate for it.

And not just anyone. He needed Harry.

Louis tilted his head, so it was laying against the back of the couch. His breathing was getting heavier as he bit his lip and tried to stop focusing on the aching throb in his pants. He didn’t dare move in fear of waking Harry up and the entire situation felt like torture.

Louis whole body stiffened when he felt Harry shift in his lap and then froze in mid-thrust. It wasn’t difficult to realise from his reaction that Harry was now awake. He quickly shifted his hips to cover the bulge in his shorts but while doing it, the back of head accidently brushed Louis’ painfully hard cock and he couldn’t do anything to stop a broken moan from escaping his lips.

“Lou?” Harry asked in husky voice. He didn’t lift his head, but his fingers were now pressing tightly against Louis’ kneecap and his thumb tracing small, almost unnoticeable circles on Louis’ burning skin. Every movement made his skin hotter and hotter, not even the thin fabric separating Harry’s thumb from his skin was able to stop it.

“Yeah?” Louis replied hoarsely, words sticking in his mouth. His fingers instead travelled almost by themselves at first on Harry’s cheek and then to brush over his pouty pink, slightly parted lips. Harry didn’t move. He waited until Louis’ thumb stopped and nudged his lower lip revealing his perfect line of white teeth gently forcing his mouth open a bit more.

Louis felt Harry’s hot breath coming out in quickened puffs against his skin. Harry covered Louis’ hand with his large palm and pressed tiny dry-lipped kisses on Louis’ thumb. The simple gesture shouldn’t have felt so good, but right now it was the most erotic feeling Louis could ever imagine.

The air surrounding them felt thick but neither of them dared to move. Only their hands got bolder when they searched out new areas to explore, new senses to engender. Inch by inch they shifted closer until they were finally facing each other. Louis’ hands slid back to Harry’s cheeks, the smoothness under his fingertips felt so familiar and yet tempting so Louis couldn’t help but press his lips to Harry’s and taste him.

He had expected to feel sparks, but the explosion their kiss had caused inside him was something he wasn’t prepared for, although it shouldn’t have been a surprise either. This was Harry after all. But Louis didn’t have time to analyse it further. Not now when all the dormant feelings were suddenly waking up and drowning him in their wake, and made him moan shamelessly. It seemed the sound Louis just made had given Harry all the permission he needed to jump into action.

Harry pulled Louis even closer, his tongue licking deeply into his mouth making Louis want even more. He was half laying on the couch, t-shirt rucked up to his armpits and now Harry didn’t hesitate to tug it off and let it fall to the floor. Immediately his lips were back on him, this time nibbling Louis’ exposed throat on the way down leaving a trail of tiny bite marks behind.

Impatiently Louis pushed his hips up to get even the slightest friction onto his rock-hard dick. He cupped Harry’s bum and pulled him close to align their lengths. Harry slowly started to grind his hips, face pressed deeply in to Louis neck, biting at the sensitive skin. He wasn’t sure if the muffled moans that filled the air belonged to Harry or to him. They were so in tune with one another that it didn’t even matter anymore.

All he knew in this moment was he needed to feel Harry against him without any restriction from their clothes. He wiggled to get his own shorts off and then shucked Harry’s off, meanwhile he stripped off the t-shirt he was still wearing. Was it the sudden nakedness that made the mood change, Louis didn’t know.

Harry was biting his lip like always when he was feeling nervous, and peered down at Louis coyly under his lashes. He looked small and young in that very moment, and all Louis wanted to do was to protect him. Luckily, it didn’t rule out his desire to make him feel good, too.

Louis turned them over, so he was now on top and looked straight into Harry’s gleaming eyes.

“What do you want, Harry?” Louis whispered against his lips when he pressed a kiss on his eager mouth.

“You. All of you. Inside me.” Harry panted between their kisses.

“Ok, yeah, ok.” Louis said when he reluctantly broke their kiss and hoisted himself up a bit. “I know I have lube but I’m not so sure about a condom.”

“I have a condom in my wallet.” Harry said a faint blush creeping on his cheeks.

“Oh.” The thought of Harry with other men made Louis feel suddenly nauseous, and it probably showed on his face too because Harry rushed to explain more.

“No. No! I was just hoping we—” Harry cut his sentence in the middle.

“We what?” Louis hooked his chin and lifted it, so their eyes met.

“Could do this…?” Harry replied biting his lip.

“Since when?” Louis asked with a colder tone. Had he once again fallen for one of Harry’s tactics?

“What?” Harry looked confused.

“Since when have you been planning to have sex with me?” Louis was now standing and stared down at Harry with narrowed eyes.

“Oh. Nonono.” Harry exclaimed when he realised the hidden meaning in Louis’ question. “I just bought them this week on a whim, and I almost threw them away afterwards. I would have never tried to initiate something with you. I have no right to do that, Lou. And when I came to you in the first place, I meant it. I needed a friend. Just a friend without any ulterior motives. Fuck, please Louis, you have to believe me.” Harry was now standing in front of Louis, a combination of terror, unshed tears and a determinate plea in his eyes.

“But lately, I have just felt this change between us. Maybe it was just me and my hopeful mind, but I thought you felt the same. I shouldn’t have been so daft, after everything I’ve done.” Harry stared to the floor looking sad.

“You weren’t wrong, Harry.” Louis answered slowly after a long pause, he needed to gather his thoughts again.  

“I wasn’t?” Harry asked shyly, but the cautious joy was already dancing in his eyes when he heard Louis reply.

“No.” Louis shook his head. “You’ve become my friend again during these weeks, but I don’t think we could ever be just friends in the long run. We have too much history and feelings for that, there’s just too much between us, in every sense.”

“You have feelings for me?” Harry’s cute front teeth were boring into his lower lip while he waited for Louis’ answer.

“I think I have always had feelings for you.” Louis sighed. “They haven’t always been positive ones, but I don’t think I wouldn’t ever felt so angry towards you when I saw you again if there still wasn’t something bubbling underneath. I knew I took a risk taking you back into my life. Now I have to live with the consequences.”

“Is it a good or bad thing, Lou?” Harry whispered.

“I don’t know yet, but right now—” Louis cocked his head smiling. “It feels fucking good.”

Harry let out relieved laugh and leaned in to kiss Louis, first softly but pretty quickly their kisses turned deeper and filthier. Their softened cocks started to fill again, reminding Louis what he had been up to before they started to talk. He grinned at Harry and rushed to the bathroom to get the lube and a towel to cover the couch. When he came back, he saw a condom placed on the coffee table and a blushing Harry standing there waiting for him.

How on earth was this guy even real? He was supposed to be a world famous pop star who, without any doubt, has had way more sex than Louis has, and now he was acting like a bloody virgin, waiting for his cherry to be popped over the presence of a fucking condom. Louis sighed but a smile caressed his lips as he laid the towel down across the cushions on the couch and turned back to Harry again. He took his hand and led him to sit next to him.

“Are you alright?” Louis asked him tenderly as he tucked a curl behind his right ear.

“Yeah. I’m just nervous.” Harry admitted.

“Why?”

“Because of you. Us. This feels like a huge step.” Harry replied slowly. _And I’m not sure if we are ready to take it yet_ , Louis added in his mind, but neither of them said it aloud. Instead, Harry kissed him and fanned the flames again, and it was enough to wash all the worries away for now.

All Louis could focus on was how good it felt to kiss Harry. To feel his hands as they set his body on fire, a body which had been neglected far too long. Before he knew it, Harry had worked his way down his body to his cock and after what felt like an eternity, he took him into his mouth and Louis almost cried with relief.

But relief wasn’t something Harry had on his mind. He teased Louis with his skilful mouth, he licked and sucked in the way only Harry knew how, and just when Louis was about to explode, Harry let his cock slide out of his wet mouth with a pop, licking up the string of saliva and precome that followed.

Harry didn’t give him time to dwell on how bare his cock felt without Harry’s mouth around it when he handed Louis the lube and said with a gruff and demanding voice “Now”...he needed Louis’ fingers inside him. Now.

“On your knees.” Louis told, and Harry obeyed without question when they shifted into their places on the sofa.

Just like that he took all Louis had to offer. As the first finger slid into his waiting hole, Harry let out a loud grunt. When Louis reminded him to stay quiet while swirling his finger against the smooth walls inside his hole, it seemed to turn him on even more. Harry bit his arm to keep his voices down and started to fuck himself against Louis’ slick finger.

“Give me more.” Harry panted between his thrusts and Louis added another finger beside the first.

Harry slowed his pace for a moment giving Louis time to circle his fingers inside him. It was easy to tell when he found what had he been looking for when Harry’s whole body jolted after Louis’ finger brushed over his sensitive spot again and again reducing him to a trembling mess.

He didn’t show Harry any mercy now. Harry had his head buried in the arm of the sofa and all he heard were the muffled moans the younger lad made as he scissored and twirled his finger around his hole, giving him nothing but unrelenting pleasure before he finally added a third finger to stretch him out properly.

Eventually it was Harry who pulled Louis’ finger out and turned Louis on his back. Harry tore the foil and impatiently placed the condom on Louis’ dick. He lubed it and aligned it against his waiting rim. Harry pressed his palms on Louis’ chest and sank down, a long exhale echoing in an otherwise quiet room.

For a moment they both stayed still trying to catch their breath as the sudden pressure had them hitching for air. Then Harry changed his posture slightly and made a couple of tentative rolls with his hips. Soon his moves turned bolder and deeper as he ground himself down onto Louis’ dick. Harry arched his back and through half-closed eyes he looked straight into Louis’. His mouth was hanging slightly open as he tried to keep his moans silent. Every now and then a small whine escaped and made Harry bite his lip until it was almost bleeding. He was riding him towards the final climax, but it still wasn’t fast enough. Louis stretched out his hand and wrapped his fingers around Harry’s dick and started to jerk him off. Harry’s eyes flew wider from the sudden new sensation, but it didn’t stop him moving. If anything, it just made him more eager.  

All Louis could do was close his eyes and let the pleasure raise him to heights he hasn’t been to in years. Since, well, since Harry. His own hips adapted to Harry’s figure eight movements as he churned faster and faster on Louis’ borderline-abused cock until he gasped as his orgasm shook his body as he came forcefully. He slowed down only for a few seconds, though it must have felt uncomfortable for Harry to continue his relentless riding after he had come, he did it anyway. He leaned down to kiss Louis while his hips made small, shallow pumps up and down and it didn’t take much longer for Louis to be pushed over the edge, and with a groan he caught Harry’s lips with a kiss. Harry finally let himself stop and pulled gently off Louis’ softening dick, wincing a bit. He quickly took the condom off Louis, tied it and chucked it haphazardly on the floor next to their clothes.

Then he smiled, pulled Louis into his arms to cuddle him and for a moment, everything was perfect.

***

It should have been the beginning of a fairytale. Wasn’t that the way it always went in rom coms and novels? Be that as it may, that was a fairytale, and not real life. When they had been in the friend zone everything had been fucking great, but now that Pandora’s box seemed to have opened, every single little thing from their past had started to gnaw insecurely at the scarred walls of Louis’ mind. He had managed to keep the voices down when they had been “just friends”, or at least it had seemed much easier to do. But as soon as he had admitted to Harry, and himself too, that he still had feelings for him, those voices had gotten increasingly difficult to keep quiet.

They didn’t fight or anything, perhaps that was the problem after all. It was all the unspoken words that wreaked havoc and Louis hated it. There could have been a simple solution for it; talk more. But it would have also meant digging deeper into their past, and right now it just felt to be too much to endure. And when Harry seemed to be as reluctant as Louis, he let it go.

It wasn’t all bad. Not at all. Feeling love around is always a wonderful thing, Louis couldn’t deny it.

And generally speaking, their life hadn’t changed that much after all. Over the years, Louis had missed the gentle touches and kisses they shared, not to mention the mind blowing sex of course, and those all made him happy. It was the fuzzy feeling inside, that made him worried. He was very close to falling in love with Harry again. That is, if he wasn’t already there and it scared the shit out of him. Once again, everything was happening so fast with Harry. It had happened twice before and both times their relationship had ended in disaster and shattered hearts.

What if it was in the cards for them this time, too?

All he knew was that Harry was leaving quite soon for his world tour. _What will it mean for us?_ he thought. Were they even an ‘us’? What if Harry finds someone else? What if he starts using again? How will all of this effect to Luca? There were dozens of thoughts circulating in Louis’ head and as the pressure cooker of questions inside his head started to increase, he just sat there, waiting for the steam to blow the lid off.

It was one regular evening when it finally happened.

Louis had just put his son into bed and after a very long battle, Luca had eventually fallen asleep. Louis was already cranky and tired when he stepped into kitchen where Harry looked joyful as he sang quietly and shook his arse while he stood at the hob, adding the finishing touches to their meal. Louis should be happy when Harry was happy, but right now Harry was way too perky, and it was enough to annoy Louis even more.   

“He’s sleeping?” Harry turned to Louis and nodded towards bedroom. He took the plates and started to dish the food out.

“Yeah, finally.” Louis sighed and filled the kettle with fresh water. It was always his job to make their teas while Harry prepared the food. Louis walked to the fridge to get the milk and tugged the door open. He took the bottle and was about to close the door when something caught his eye and made him freeze with dread.

The milk he was holding in his hand thumped against the worktop as he put it down. With shaky hands, he reached towards the top shelf and carefully pulled out an opened bottle of white wine. The glass bottle was cold but still it burned against Louis’ fingers like molten lava. He stared at it awhile before he turned towards Harry with an ashen face, words stagnant into his dry mouth

“What is this?” Louis managed to ask with a low voice and raised the bottle so Harry could see it.

“Wine bottle…?” Harry’s throat bobbed and he looked confused when he looked at the item in Louis’ hand.

“I’m well aware it’s a wine bottle, but what is it doing in my fridge? I know I didn’t buy it.” Louis suspiciously glared at Harry, who was now the one staring at the bottle.

“Neither did I!” Harry exclaimed immediately. When he saw Louis didn’t believe him entirely, he soon added “I swear, Lou. I never would.”

“Then who?” Louis asked with narrowed eyes.

“I don’t know.” Harry replied slowly turning back towards the stove. Now Louis was sure he was lying.

“Harry.” Louis stepped closer to him. He couldn’t smell any alcohol on his breathe so most likely his cheeriness had nothing to do with the wine. But he still wanted the answer to his question. That bottle didn’t fly into the fridge by itself.

“I— I think it might be Lottie’s.” Harry bit his lip and quickly carried their food on the table and sat down, still refusing to look at Louis.

“Ok. What makes you think so?” Louis asked even he realised Harry might actually be right. Lottie had been babysitting a couple of days ago when Harry had insisted he take him out to dinner for their date night.

“She was here babysitting and maybe she poured a glass of wine when he was already sleeping.” Harry explained like it wasn’t a big deal.

“And you think that’s ok?” Louis gushed irritated.

“She had had one glass tops, if you look closely at the bottle, you’d see that.” Harry defended Lottie.

“It really doesn’t matter. She was here babysitting! I don’t even drink one beer when I’m home alone with Luca.” Louis was angry — at Lottie who would do something like this, and even angrier at Harry who suddenly seemed to be on Lottie’s side in this matter.

“Why?” Harry dared to ask next. “I mean it’s good you don’t, but I’m just curious. One beer doesn’t make you bad parent.”

“I know it doesn’t.” Louis replied coldly. “But what if something happened to Luca, and I have to take him to the hospital and my breath would smell of alcohol. What would they say?”

“Probably nothing when they found out you only had one beer.” Harry shrugged nonchalantly.

“So, you think I’m a prude because I have principles?” Louis snapped. “That’s a bit much coming from you, don’t you think? Because if anyone should know better what alcohol, or in your case alcohol and drugs can do to a body it would be you. If I recall, you’re the addict in this room.”

Harry looked as though he had been slapped. He slouched further in his chair, eyes looking strictly down at the table for a moment. Then he slowly pushed himself up and started to walk towards the door.

“Harry…” Louis said. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“But you’re right, Louis.” Harry smiled him sadly. “I am an addict. I always will be, no matter how many years of sobriety I have. I’ll never forget how much pain and anguish I have caused myself and the people around me. I remember it every minute. But y’know something? It’s always good to be reminded.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.” Louis said apologetically, as he made his way towards Harry.

“Yeah, I know. But I think I should go anyway.”

“Please, don’t.”

“I’ll call you later. Ok?” Harry turned one more time and pressed a small kiss to Louis’ cheek. Then he walked quickly to the front door and walked out of it.

***

Harry came back the next day with flowers, even though it was actually Louis who should have been the one giving them to Harry. Between kisses, Louis mumbled his apologies one more time before Harry hushed him. Louis had told him it indeed had been Lottie’s bottle and she had promised never to do it again, but that was the extent of the conversation.

Everything fell back on track, but still the incident continued to affect Louis more than he cared to admit. He didn’t want to, but he started to watch for all the signs and nuances that might indicate that Harry is using again. He knew he hadn’t been, but still he couldn’t help himself. When the suspicion had wormed its way into his mind, it was almost impossible to get it out.

So no wonder that next time it happened it got even worse.

It was their date night again. They had planned just to stay in, maybe have take out for dinner and watch a film. It had been a busy week for both of them and they didn’t want to go out because it always caused extra arrangements to go out together secretly. This time the twins had insisted they would take Luca for an overnight visit, even though they didn’t even know about Harry. His sisters knew Louis had been seeing someone, but Lottie was still the only one who knew the truth.

Harry had just arrived and pulled his phone out of his pocket when something small and white fell on the floor. He quickly bent down to pick it up and shoved it back into his pocket. He acted like nothing had happened, but Louis wasn’t a fool. He knew what these kinds of bags contained, and he just couldn’t believe Harry had just done something like this.

“How dare you?” Louis hissed with narrowed eyes.

“What…?” Harry looked confused after Louis sudden burst when he stood in the foyer.

“Bringing drugs into my home?” Louis said angrily. He was already busted so he figured Harry might as well confess.

“What drugs?” Harry stared him furrowing. “Babe, I don’t mean to be rude, but what the hell are you even talking about?” He countered defensively.

“That package you just put back in your pocket.” Louis pointed towards the pocket where Harry had hidden the bag.

His eyes followed the movement of Louis’ hand when he shoved his hand into his pocket and took out a small, resealable bag and handed it to Louis.

“It’s a present for Luca. I just found it in an antique shop in Shoreditch and wanted to buy it because it reminded me of him. That’s why it’s packed so weirdly. I said I wanted to wrap it myself later.” Harry explained, hurt clearly expressed in his eyes.

“Oh.” Louis felt horrible when he examined the see-through bag Harry had given him. It was filled with a small amount of cotton wool and a delicate golden necklace was resting on top of it.

“You can keep it now. Give it to him later, ok?” Harry said quietly and turned away.

“Harry…” Louis pleaded. Harry stopped but didn’t turn back right away.

“I love you, Lou.” Harry said softly after a short hesitation, sad smile on his lips when he finally met Louis’ eyes. “And when I’m feeling optimistic, I believe you might love me too. But I just don’t know if it’s enough anymore.”

He didn’t wait for Louis to answer, he just turned again and walked away.

“Harry...” Louis whispered when Harry was already on the door. “Stay. Please.”

Harry was standing in the same position, shoulders slightly hunched and his head pressed down, his hand still on the door knob for a time that felt like an eternity. Louis bit his lip holding his breath. He didn’t dare to move an inch, too afraid that even the slight movement would make Harry rush out of the door.

Out of Louis’ life.

“Ok.” Harry finally let his hand fall. He turned around slowly eyes glistening with tears he was trying to hold in and not let them fall down his cheeks. However, one fat, stubborn drop managed to escape dampening Harry’s beautiful cheekbone on its way down and Louis couldn’t help but step closer and let his thumb wipe it away. It didn’t remove the sadness from Harry’s eyes and Louis leaned up to kiss his cheek. It tasted salty under his lips as he peppered little kisses on Harry’s face, finally meeting his plush lips and kissed him slowly. Thus far, Louis had been afraid he was crossing an invisible line he shouldn’t cross, but now when Harry’s mouth was timidly pressing against his own, he knew, at least for a moment, they were on the same page.

Louis reached for Harry’s hand as their lips still fumbled with one another’s, and led him to the bedroom. Their lips never parted when they made the short walk there and laid down on the bed. Everything around them was silent, like there had been an apocalypse and the two of them had been the sole survivors. The only thing mattered right now was them, everything else had disappeared for the moment.

It felt like it was first time they ever touched each other. Lingering kisses, roaming hands, soft brushes. One by one, their clothes vanished exposing more warm skin to feel. The smallest of whimpers were escaping Harry’s lips as Louis’ tongue licked into his mouth trying to taste and remember every flavour. The green apple he had eaten earlier, jasmine from his tea, peppermint from his chewing gum.

Harry’s fingers left behind a trail of tingling heat, and their touches had started as light wisps but gradually they got bolder and faster, their kisses deeper and more frantic. The once present softness was replaced with lust and desperation. As if they both wanted to forget that the inevitable was about to happen.

They didn’t speak the whole time, apart from Harry’s four little words saying “Love me, Lou. Please.” But they didn’t need words. Everything seem to be said and they both saw the truth reflected in each other’s eyes. After taking his time worshipping Harry’s body and gently opening Harry up, Louis finally pushed inside. Harry twisted his head back, closing his eyes.

They let the rhythm of their bodies drift them closer to the point where everything would culminate. Their bodies slid together faster and harder, their shallow breath became more erratic with every thrust. Heat was pooling in Louis’ belly and he was so close. He didn’t want to come. He only hoped this moment would last forever but at the same time he needed to come. Harry whined high in his throat and twisted his hands around the gathered sheets. Louis shifted his position slightly and inferring to the way Harry’s eyes flew open, Louis had hit his prostate perfectly.  

Harry’s moans got obscene. The sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the small bedroom and the headboard knocked rhythmically against the wall taking them higher with ecstasy. Louis closed his eyes and just let his hips roll till he couldn’t wait any longer. He grabbed Harry’s dick in his hand and tugged a few times until Harry cried and came all over Louis’ hand. All Louis needed to hear was for Harry to shout his pleasure so he could find release himself and succumb to the world around him as it exploded.

They laid there pliant and fully satisfied, kissing and holding each other until they finally fell asleep. A few hours later when Louis woke up, he wasn’t surprised to find out he was alone, just a fading scent of passion and Harry’s cologne in the air, and a letter penned with Harry’s neat handwriting rested on the pillow.

He didn’t even have to read the letter to know they had come to an end for the third time.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

[ Ben E. King - Stand By Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwZNL7QVJjE)

_“When the night has come_  
_And the land is dark_  
_And the moon is the only light we'll see_  
_No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid_  
_Just as long as you stand, stand by me”_

_***_

  
  
Paris, September 2019

The Eurostar raced through the beautiful French landscape, but Louis wasn’t able to concentrate on any of it. Instead, he carefully unfolded the wrinkled letter he now knew by heart, even without seeing the actual words scribed on it. But somehow it was more tranquilising to see Harry’s writing with his own eyes right now and read it one more time.

_“Dear Louis,_

_I don’t want to do this, believe me, but I have to. Deep inside we both know this is the best solution for us now. I say now, because I still believe with all of my heart that this is not the end. I love you and you’re still The One for me, I have no doubt about it._

_But right now, if we continue our relationship, we are going to kill it altogether and I don’t want that. I also realised I wasn’t ready for this now either, even though I thought I was. We both have issues we have to solve before getting back together is an option. After all, Luca is your first priority now and you can’t use all your energy worrying over me or our relationship. I know you do, even if we haven’t talked about it._

_I know you haven’t forgiven me for what I did, and I can’t blame anyone but myself for that. I think what you — we — need now is distance. We are good now, I think. As good as we can be in this situation. I will always be there for you if you need me. I want to be there forever but only if you want me back. Saying goodbye to you the first time was the hardest thing I have ever done, and now I have to do it again. But this time I will be waiting for you. No matter how long it takes. If you someday realise you can forgive me and want to give us a chance, I’ll be there waiting for you._

_With a heavy heart, I’m going to set us free, and if it’s meant to be like I believe it is, we will meet again. I don’t care if it happens next year or in ten years, I’ll be waiting for you. You’re always in my heart, Lou._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Harry”_

Reading the letter triggered a nervous twist in his stomach. What if he was making the biggest mistake by going to see Harry? These two years spent apart included a lot of self-reflection and Louis was now in a place where he felt he was ready to see Harry again. But did Harry still feel the same about him now? Louis didn’t know.  

Harry had promised to wait, but Louis knew two years is a long time and anything can happen. However, just couple of months ago at the final show of his second world tour, Harry had sung _Still The One_ in front of thousands of people, and Louis couldn’t help but think it was meant for him. Of course that wasn’t concrete proof, but it had given him the confidence to think Harry hadn’t forgotten him after all.

But now, the closer the train got to Paris, the more fidgety Louis got. His stomach hurt and all he wanted to do was hurl to get the unpleasant feeling out. He jumped up from his seat and hurried to the toilet, locking it from inside. He bowed over and gagged into the toilet bowl, but nothing came up. Despite his efforts to rid his body and mind of the anxiety, it still churned deep within his core.

He stood back up and quickly washed his hands and rinsed them clean. Of course, there wasn’t any paper to dry his hands, so he just wiped them on the sides of his jeans before returning to his seat. The train began to decelerate as more buildings appeared into view. People had started to gather their bags and some of them were already waiting near the door, but Louis didn’t bother joining the masses.

He remained seated until the train was fully stopped and emptied out before he stood up with trembling legs, dragging himself onto the platform. He walked through the busy station and as he made his way through the exit, he took the crumpled cigarette pack out of his pocket, plucked one out and lit it, using the collar of his shirt to shield the cigarette from the wind. He smoked it with a few long drags just to stop his hands shaking. Only after that was he able to look around.

People were rushing everywhere and cars and taxis honked as they tried to catch the passengers’ attention. He needed to free himself from the motley of noise and bustle, so he walked further down the road until he came across a small park where he could sit down for a moment and ponder what the hell he was doing here.

***

“Today is going to be a good day.” Harry said as he looked into the mirror and smiled. His face was sweaty and flushed after his daily morning run. He had also done some push-ups and crunches afterwards at home instead of going to the gym today. Exercise increased his circulation and he was feeling great. What made the feeling even greater was the fact that it wasn’t just the temporary rush of endorphins that contributed to his feelings of elation. He had spent the last two months after his tour ended in his small Parisian flat he rented, and he hadn’t felt this content in a long time.

Paris will always be his happy place because of all the memories he had made in the city with Liam and Niall all those years ago, but this time his happiness was bubbling from inside him. After years of an internal struggle to battle his demons, he finally felt he had found balance and forgiveness within himself. It had taken a long time; a lot of apologies and conversations with various people in his life, but the most important ones were with himself. It hadn’t been an easy process but eventually he had been able to find a way to look himself from the mirror without feeling disgust towards the reflection he saw. But with baby steps, he had made it. And at end of the day, he had even learned to believe his everyday mantra.

“This _is_ a good day.” Harry repeated one more time before he stripped his clothes off and stepped into the narrow shower in the far corner of the bathroom.

He slowly rubbed himself with shower gel and washed his hair, savouring his morning routine. He watched the soapy water vanish down the drain and when it ran clear, he switched off the tap. As he dried himself off with a towel, he quietly hummed the melody that had been playing in his head for some time. He toyed with the idea of what it could turn into if he played around with lyrics and chord progressions.

He ruffled his hair with the drier end of the towel and styled it with some leave-in conditioner. His hair was already reaching his shoulder blades, and Harry liked the way it made him look. He had sometimes regretted cutting his hair years earlier, but then it had meant a new start and felt like he had figuratively cut the bad out. It had been a mental thing for him, but he didn’t feel the decisions he made in his life had anything to do with his hair length anymore.

He walked into the kitchen and pulled out a skillet and a wooden chopping board. He gathered some veggies from the fridge and placed them on the counter together with some eggs and bacon. Running had made him hungry and what he needed right now, was a big, hearty breakfast. Or more like a brunch, when he checked the time on the microwave and saw it was almost noon. He was just whisking the eggs for his scramble, when he heard a soft knock on the door.

Shit, Harry thought and dashed to the bedroom to throw on some clothes. He loved walking around naked when he was alone, but it’s another thing entirely to open the door nude. He wasn’t expecting company, and no one really knew where he was living currently. Perhaps the sweet old lady next door needed something, Harry had helped her a few times before.

Harry quickly put on boxers and some sweatpants and slipped a t-shirt over his head on his way to the door. Before he opened the door he used the peephole to make sure he knew whoever was behind the door. He had learned over the years he couldn’t be careful enough, but still he wasn’t prepared for what he saw, and the sight made his heart skip a beat.

Harry gasped audibly. As soon as his brain started to work again, he unlocked the door with trembling fingers and pulled the door wide open.

“Hi!” He breathed cheerfully, but then he had no idea what he should do or say next. He just kept staring at Louis like he was the seventh wonder of the world. And frankly speaking, that thought wasn’t so far from the truth anyway.

“Hi, Harry.” Louis smiled shyly. He was still as beautiful as he was when Harry had seen him for the first time at the hospital over ten years ago. _Was it really that long ago?_ , Harry wondered inwardly, but when he searched Louis’ face a bit more, it was easy to see the years that had passed etched around his eyes and his mouth. Small crinkles were  visible around his eyes and his hair was peppered with grey, more than it had been previously, but it all just gave him so much character and made him even more beautiful.

“Can I come in?” Louis finally asked after the silence was getting too long.

“Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. Come in.” Harry babbled, a flush blooming on his face after realising he had been staring at Louis for way too long.

Louis stepped in, cautiously closing the door behind him and stood in place, biting his lip not knowing what he should do next. He sharply inhaled and started to speak in a quiet voice.

“I saw you perform. _Still the One_. At your final show.” Louis gave Harry a timid glance under his thick lashes before he continued.

“And you said you would wait for me. No matter how long it would take.” Louis whispered and pulled out the piece of paper Harry easily recognised. How could he ever forget? The stains his tears had left on the paper were probably still visible. It had been the hardest thing he had ever written in his life, even knowing he didn’t have a choice. But still.

And now Louis stood before him, with the same letter in his hand asking if Harry had waited for him. He had hoped, dreamed this day would come, but it still felt too good to be true. Completely stunned about Louis’ boldness to get straight to the point, Harry didn’t know what to say. Being totally honest was something they had never done. It felt good to know why Louis was here, but Harry had no idea what to do next.

“I have.” Were only words his mouth was able to form when all the feelings he was going through right now had transformed his brain into a soft, pink mush.

“I still wasn’t sure if I was welcome here.” Louis continued with timidly, carefully watching Harry’s reaction.

“You’re always welcome, you don’t have to worry about that.” Harry replied slowly, as if the cadence of his words would calm down his wildly beating heart. When Harry noticed Louis shift restlessly next to him, he realised he had to say something and in the moment, guiding them towards safer waters seemed like very good option.

“How did you know where to find me?” Harry wondered, because there were only a handful of people who knew where he was staying at the moment.

“I have my sources.” Louis grinned using the same exact words Harry had used years back when he showed up at his door. “And because it seems to be a ritual, I also have a brownie for you.” Louis said passing the paper bag to Harry. “Sorry, if I ruined the surprise though.”

“No, not at all. Thanks.” Harry let out a small, still slightly confused laugh. But their little attempt at banter had eased the atmosphere a bit. It hadn’t been uneasy from the start, but they just didn’t know how to act around each other after a long time.

“You can hang your coat there.” Harry suddenly remembered he should be a good host and pointed to the row of metallic hooks on the wall behind Louis.

Louis chuckled nervously and took off his thin jacket. He looked around a bit to locate the spot Harry meant, and hung the jacket up before kicking his black Vans off, revealing his bare feet. Louis had always hated socks, even in the winter and preferred using slippers instead of socks. Realising he was still staring at Louis’ toes, Harry cleared his throat quickly trying to think of his next move.

“It’s good to see you, Lou.” It was solid truth, and saying it aloud produced a shy smile on his face, and in turn one bloomed onto Louis’ as well. Harry wanted to touch him so badly, but he worried it would be too soon. Fuck it, Harry thought and leaned in to hug the smaller lad.

It felt wonderful to feel Louis’ slender body relaxing into his own after he had quickly recovered from Harry’s sudden move. Their hug didn’t last long, but it was enough to spread warmth throughout his body. The kind of feeling he hadn’t felt in ages.

“Are you hungry? I was just starting to make breakfast, I can easily make enough for two.” Harry asked when they broke their hug, giving himself a little bit more time to get used to the idea of Louis being back in his life, in whatever capacity. Food was always good distraction, and he was still hungry after all.

“Yeah. I’ve been so nervous I haven’t been able to eat anything.” Louis admitted. Louis had looked much more collected than he felt he must have looked himself, but it was a relief to hear the feeling was mutual.

“You have no reason to be nervous, Lou. It’s just us.” Harry said soothingly even if the same thought made him ridiculously overwrought. Before Louis had time to react, Harry started to shoo Louis towards the kitchen like a hen mother.

***

Louis watched how Harry busied himself in the small kitchen, placing the cast iron pan on the burner. He already had some ingredients on the chopping board, so he really had been preparing his meal, not just making it up to keep his hands busy. Cooking had always been relaxing for Harry, and it seemed to work this time too. As soon as he had the knife in his hand and some veggies to chop, he seemed visibly less tense than he was a couple of minutes ago. It gave Louis some time to observe Harry from a safe distance as he fussed over their breakfast, cheeks tinted a rosy hue, just like they did when he was enthusiastic about something.

He looked radiant.

Vengeful Harry had always looked good, but now his aura was radiating inner peace and a level of happiness Louis had never seen in him before. His whole appearance was healthy and his body more muscular and defined than the last time Louis had seen him. It was firm and lean without being too buff. His hair was also getting long. Louis had seen some pictures of him during the last shows of One Direction when he had long hair, but that version of Harry pales in comparison to the man standing before him today. His skin was glowing and his green eyes shone brighter than ever. Louis marveled at how the years had taken its toll on his own face, and how it seemed to have had an opposite effect on Harry, who looked almost as young as the day they had met.

“Here.” Harry woke Louis from his daze, placing a tall glass of water with a few slices of cucumber in it in front of him before returning back to the stove.

“Oh, cheers.” Louis thanked him and took a big gulp.

“How’s Luca?” Harry asked while he was putting rashers of bacon in the pan.

“He’s doing awesome. He’s such a big boy already. Talking and everything.” Louis said with pride beaming in his voice. “I have some photos of him in my phone if you want to see.”

Harry nodded eagerly. As soon as Louis had searched through the correct album for Harry to see, he handed the phone to him and a huge smile spread across Harry’s face as he started to go through the pictures. His love for babies never seemed to fade.

“He is so beautiful, Lou. But he is your son, what else could he be.” Harry stated simply and Louis couldn’t keep away the blush that involuntarily crept onto his cheeks. “Is he with Lottie now?”

“Yeah. He loves to be there because his aunty spoils him rotten while his daddy is just stupid and makes him eat veggies.” Louis laughed imitating his son’s tone.

“Sounds like perfectly normal behaviour for a three year old.” Harry immediately defended the infant. Of course he did.

“I know, but sometimes he’s just a real monster.” Louis sighed like any parent would do from time to time.

“I believe that. Like father, like son.” Harry grinned, stealing a rapid look at Louis before turning back towards the stove.

“So, you’re not angry with me?” Harry asked next halting his tasks for a while he waited Louis’ answer.

“Why would I be angry with you, Harry?”

“Because of the way I left.” Harry said and with trembling hands he flipped over the rashers sizzling in the pan.

“Do you really think I was surprised to discover you had left?” Louis asked. Biting his lip as Harry slowly turned around, and met Louis’ eyes properly.

“Maybe not.” He finally admitted shaking his head. “But it was still a cowardly way to leave.”

“Do you think we would have been able to do it any other way?”

“No.” Harry sighed shaking his head again after a small pause.

“You were right all along. During that time, there was too much resentment between us for our relationship to be healthy. It feels horrible to say, but I felt relieved afterwards. Don’t get me wrong. It hurt like hell, but yet it was right decision for us. You weren’t the only one who wasn’t ready for where things were heading.” Louis said, and it felt oddly cleansing to say aloud the things that had been ruminating in his mind for a long time.

“I wasn’t?” Harry asked quietly leaning his body slightly against the counter top. After a small pause he continued with a cautious voice. “Do you think we are ready now?”

Louis felt his heart flutter and beat rapidly. It was why he was here; to find out if they could still become something. But he hadn’t been prepared for Harry’s direct question. Louis reached out to take a sip of water to moisturise his suddenly dry mouth. Then he raised his gaze and locked eyes with the love of his life.

“I think we owe it to ourselves. To at least give us a proper chance to find that out.”

***

Louis’ words were still echoing in Harry’s head as he was clearing the table after they had finished their breakfast. It felt like a tiny glimpse of hope had been thrown in the air and made everything appear a little bit brighter. There was still a long way to go to resolve the issues from the past, but they seemed to be on the same page. There was a mutual desire for a relationship, now they had to find a way to make that a reality.

“Do you want to go out for a bit? There’s a park outside the city centre where I quite often go. We could go there and talk. The weather is quite nice. But we can stay here too, if you want to.” Harry added quickly as he saw hesitation in Louis’ eyes.

“I’d love to, but only if you are comfortable with it. I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do.” Louis replied, watching Harry’s expression as if it could decipher if he was telling the truth.

“You’re not making me do anything. It was me who suggested it in the first place.” Harry smiled before he continued with an apologising voice. “But I’m afraid we have to take a car to get there. I know you’re not big fan of those things but taking metro might be out of the question in my case.”

“It’s alright. Really. Whatever works best for you.” Louis assured him smiling.

“Ok, great! Give me a minute and I’ll sort it out.”

“Are you ever able to walk around in peace?” Louis asked curiously after Harry had ended his phone call to make the arrangements with his driver.

“Believe or not, it usually happens.” Harry laughed. “It’s just the public transport that makes me nervous. If something unexpected comes up, I feel stuck cause there’s no way to escape.”

“It’s quite hard to believe a star like you can do it just like that. I still remember the early days when fans were starting to notice you and the general public had no idea who you were, and even that felt quite annoying sometimes.” Louis winced slightly at the memory. It had all felt so innocent then, Harry reminisced. So much had changed ever since.

“Maybe I’m not as big of a star as you think I am. Not anymore.” Harry shrugged when he saw Louis was still awaiting his answer.

“You’re kidding, right?” Louis lifted his brows incredulously.

“No, I’m not. I mean while I was in the band it was just crazy. We couldn’t go anywhere without being mobbed. But nowadays, it barely ever happens. Maybe when I was touring and people knew where I was, but that’s pretty much it.” Harry explained to Louis who kept staring at him suspiciously.

“And you think it’s because your star is fading?” Louis rolled his eyes.

“What else?" Harry shrugged.

“Maybe your fans have just grown up and realised you need your own privacy too? And from what I have read, you’re the kind of star that hasn’t even come close to fading. I’d say you’re even brighter than ever, love.” Louis’ word made Harry blush like he was still the same teenaged boy whose insides could instantly turn to goo from every compliment Louis ever made.

To distract himself from the situation that wasn’t even a situation, he excused himself from Louis and walked into his bedroom. He changed from his sweatpants into a pair of jeans to blend more with Louis’ outfit, not wanting to feel underdressed next to him. Louis most likely wouldn’t even notice, he had never judged anyone based on what they were wearing. It was more in Harry’s own head, this silly thought of his clothes. He left on the t-shirt he was wearing after checking it was clean and pulled his hair into a messy bun. He grabbed a pair of sunglasses off his dresser and pulled a hoodie out of the closet just in case, and Harry was ready to go.

Well, almost ready to go. He rummaged through his closet and after a while he pulled out the quilt he had been looking for. He stuffed it into his backpack before heading back to the kitchen to retrieve a couple of water bottles and some snacks for them to have later. When Harry was zipping up the bag, he saw Louis emerge from the living room, phone still pressed on his ear.

“Ok. Good. Talk you later, Lotts. Bye.” Louis ended his call and shoved the phone into his pocket. “Sorry. Just wanted to check that everything was fine back home.”

“Of course. Are you ready to go? The car should be here in any minute now.”

Louis nodded in response. They made their way downstairs, chatting lightly while they waited for the car to arrive. Mostly Louis was telling him stories about Luca, and Harry more than happily listened to them.

It didn’t take long before they were sitting in the backseat of a sleek black Range Rover as the driver began to expertly weave their way through the narrow alleys to avoid the traffic congestion of the main roads. Harry sat there relaxed with a smile painted across his face as Louis peered through the tinted glass as best he could, wide eyed and a look of awe demonstrated by his mouth hanging open in wonder.

“I have never been to Paris before. I’ve heard all the fuss over it and now I understand why.” Louis said after a while, as he leaned back against the seat and turned to look Harry. “How did you end up here? I’ve heard you have been here for a while now.”

“Yeah, for a couple of months now. I came here after my tour ended.” Harry explained.

“Why?”

“I sold my London house during the tour and haven’t found a new one yet.” If he’s being honest, he hadn’t even been looking for one. He should though. He couldn’t stay in Paris forever.

“Why did you sell it?” Louis wanted to know next.

“It never felt like home me. I bought it because everyone said I should buy a house as an investment. I did, but never really got connected with it. And the years I lived there weren’t so good. Too many bad memories.” Harry winced and pushed the thoughts away for now.

“How did you end up here?” Louis repeated his question giving a short look at Harry.

“I think Paris has always been a happy place for me. I have loved it since the first time I visited here, and I spoke openly during the tour about how nice it would be to live here someday. My tour photographer, who is French, had a friend who was willing to rent her flat. So, that’s pretty much the story behind Paris.” Harry explained and then turned to look at Louis. “But I’m still curious who told you I’m here.”

***

Who told you I was here? Harry’s question was playing on repeat in Louis’ head. He had known it was just a matter of time before the subject would arise, or more likely the person, but it still felt too soon. On the other hand, Louis didn’t want to have secrets between them, not anymore. While his options seemed limited, he just decided to go for it without knowing if he would shoot himself in the foot in the process.

“Umm, well…” Louis swallowed visibly and tightened his grip around the water bottle that had waited for them in the car. “It was Zayn.” Louis breathed out hastily, not daring to look at Harry.

“Oh.” Harry said quietly, before silence fell over the car. Louis almost expected Harry to ignore the mentioning of Zayn’s name, but he managed to surprise Louis this time.

“So… You’re seeing each other again?” Harry asked after a long pause, keeping his eyes strictly on window.

“Yeah. But not in the way you might think.” Louis replied carefully, trying to choose his words correctly. “Harry, look at me. Please.”

Harry slowly turned his slightly pale face towards Louis, still refusing to look him straight in the eye.

“Yes, we have seen each other again. As friends. I know you don’t want to hear about him from me—”

“No. No, it’s not that. It just took me by surprise.” Harry suddenly cut off Louis. “Even if it shouldn’t have. I knew you had seen him. I’ve seen him too.” Harry admitted. Louis waited to see if he was going to elaborate, but nothing came out, so he continued instead.

“I know. Otherwise I wouldn’t have known to ask him for your address.” Louis said with a falsely calm tone.

“Yeah.” Harry’s voice had again faded into a mumble as he stared down at his hands resting on his lap.

“Haz, I really want to explain this to you.” He didn’t know if it was the old nickname that caught Harry’s attention, but Louis realised he was listening anyway. “You weren’t the only one who had unresolved issues from the past. At some point I just realised, I had to face him again. To get everything rectified between us. It wasn’t easy, you know what he’s like.”

“Yeah.” Harry grunted, but it did sound more like brotherly annoyance instead of the spiteful manner used previously. Louis took it as an encouraging sign to continue.

“But finally, we talked.” Louis spoke with a slow, soothing tone. It would have been so much easier to talk to the glass that divided the back seat from the driver, but he forced himself to keep his eyes on Harry sitting to his right. Or more likely, now on Harry’s shoulders. He had turned away to face the window again biting his thumb nail, but Louis saw Harry was still actively listening.  

“We talked a lot and I think during that conversation we both realised how big of a mistake our relationship had been in the first place. It was never meant to be. I love him as a person, but I was never in love with him.” Louis saw how Harry’s shoulders slightly hunched after his words, but he wasn’t sure if it was from relief or something else. Louis sipped his water and forced himself to continue despite knowing how hard it probably was for Harry to listen. Especially to what Louis was going to say next. But Louis knew he had to. He had no choice.

“We were good when we were just f—” In a last second Louis was able to swallow word fucking slipping out of his mouth.

“When we were friends with benefits.” Louis said this time. “I’m not going to lie to you saying our sex was awful, because it wasn’t. It was something I had never experienced before him.” Harry was now gripping his knee with white knuckles and Louis couldn’t stop thinking how bizarre this whole situation was. He had been with Harry less than three hours and they were already talking about Zayn in a way they had never done before. Well, Louis was talking, but considering Harry was still letting him and was paying attention to Louis’ words, he would take it as a huge advancement.

“I’m not going to go any deeper into that subject, but I want to highlight the word _before_. Because what we had”, Louis signaled back and forth with his index finger, “was so much better. You know why?” Louis paused for a second. “Because we had feelings, and Zayn and I never did. Not proper ones anyway.”

“I think the only reason why we ended up together after you found out about us was out of guilt. We both lost someone who had meant so much to us and we couldn’t admit it had happened just because of a meaningless fling. It’s still something I’ll regret for the rest of my life, but I can’t change it despite how much I want to. Neither can he.” Louis sighed as the shame he felt from his own actions still made him feel frustrated.

“But we were able to solve things between us and now he really is someone I call a friend. Just the way it should have been since the beginning. I know you didn’t want to hear this at all, but I needed to explain these things to you. He’s not a threat to you. To us.” Louis carefully added to the end without knowing if he had been too bold and ruined everything before anything even got off the ground.

Harry stayed quiet for a long time. His head was now fully turned away, his cheek pressed against headrest. He just stayed there without responding to anything Louis just had said.

“I’m sorry, Harry. I shouldn’t have.” Louis finally broke the silence between them.

Finally, Harry turned around. It was easy to see that he had been quietly crying while listening, and Louis couldn’t blame him for that. He dried his still slightly damp eyes with the back of his hand before he started to speak in turn.

“Don’t be, Lou. You did the right thing.” Harry said quietly, and Louis sighed with relief.

“I think it has always been our biggest problem. All the unsaid words.” Harry looked sadly at Louis when he was trying to find the right words to continue. Louis nodded as a sign of agreement.

“We didn’t talk the first time. We didn’t talk the last time either. I mean we talked, but not about our deepest feelings. Our fears. Our hopes. The ones that mattered the most. We were walking on eggshells trying not to hurt each other without even realising the everything that wasn’t said, probably hurt the most. And that doesn’t work. Not in the long run anyway.”

Louis didn’t have time to respond to it because the car suddenly pulled over and stopped, indicating they had reached their destination.

***

Harry didn’t know if he should have been relieved or irritated when their conversation was abruptly cut short. When they climbed out of the car, Harry quickly made an arrangement with his driver promising to ring him when they would be ready to be picked up again.

It was a warm, autumn Saturday and it was no wonder a lot of people were out enjoying the weather in the park. But as Harry had expected, no one really paid attention to him and Louis as he guided them through the wide green area and lead them towards the quieter area of the big park. They kept their chatting light and casual while they walked, but the thought of Zayn was still circulating in Harry’s mind. Louis had brought up the topic and Harry knew he had things to say about it too. He just had to wait for the right moment.

The moment came later when they sat on the spread out quilt Harry had brought with him. The sun was shining over the green hills but where they stayed, only a handful of people were scattered nearby and no one was so close they could see or hear them clearly.

“I think we are on quite good terms right now.” Harry muttered staring the tree tops which all of the sudden looked very interesting.

“What do you mean?” Louis alongside him asked confusion audible in his voice.

“Zayn and me.” Harry said biting his lip nervously. Why was this still such a difficult subject to talk with Louis about? Of course he knew the answer, but forced himself to carry on.

“After my first tour finished, I went to see my mum for the first time since I left home. It wasn’t as easy and simple as I thought it would be, but after that first visit it became easier each time. I think my dad didn’t take my return as well as mum did, but eventually he seemed to be quite pleased to see me around again. But I guess, mums are like that.” Harry shrugged, smiling faintly. ”They forgive things easier, just because they want to have their babies around them. Or maybe it was just my own mum. I don’t know.”

“Was she the one that got you to talk to Zayn again?”

“No.” Harry shook his head. “He was a topic we both avoided talking about for a long time. She was scared to bring him up because of the way it had ended the last time.”

“For you packing up and leaving home?”

“Yeah.”

“How did it happen then? What made you go to see him?”

“One time I was visiting home I bumped into James. Liam’s older brother.” Harry added when it was clear Louis had no idea who he was talking about.

“Ok?” Louis still looked like big question mark.

“Did Zayn ever talk to you about Liam?” Harry asked but even without Louis’ answer he was quite sure what it would be.

“No. Even now he refuses to talk about it.” Louis shook his head just like Harry had thought.

“I can’t actually blame him for that.” Harry sighed.

“It all started on the day I found about you two.” Harry began to speak slowly, keeping his voice as steady as he could. But still the feelings resurfaced, especially over Liam, and it made it difficult to talk.

“I have always wondered why you showed up there like that. I mean I know he’s your brother, but you were never so close that you would have visited each other just like that. Unannounced.” Louis thought aloud while Harry was still searching his words.

“Yeah, you’re right. It definitely wasn’t a social call.” Harry gave a small dry laugh. “Earlier that day we — Niall and me — had wondered when the funeral for Liam was going to be held because we hadn’t heard anything about it. So, I decided to pay a visit to his parents’ house. I didn’t get a chance to see them, instead I was confronted by James.”

“The same guy you mentioned earlier, right?” Louis checked briefly.

“Yeah. He was furious when he saw me there. Shouting at me about how Zayn was Liam’s drug dealer. Blaming him for his death. Talking something about involving the police.” Harry turned to look at Louis who looked awfully pale.

“I had no idea.” He whispered almost silently.

“Neither did I. And that’s why the accusations hit me so hard. The time after his death was so blurry and horrible, and hearing something like that.” Harry blinked through the unpleasant memory before continuing. “I just got so angry and I hopped into my car and drove to Zayn’s.”

“And then you found me there.” Louis said with flat tone.

“Yeah.” It still hurt, but somehow getting all these things out in the open made the pain slightly duller.

“It all was just too much, and you know how it eventually ended. I never talked to Zayn after that day. Never asked if the accusations were true. He had slept with my boyfriend, so why wouldn’t he be drug dealer that was responsible for Liam’s death too?” Harry huffed.

“I decided to believe he was responsible. And until last year, I really thought it was all true.”

“It wasn’t?” Louis sounded a bit more relieved after hearing that.

“No, not the way we had thought it was. But when I saw James, my first reaction was to run away before he saw me. Even seeing him was enough to tear open the wounds again.” Harry said shifting his posture a bit.

“But he didn’t let me go, saying he needed to talk to me. I wasn’t very willing at first, but he practically begged me, so I gave up really not knowing what to expect.”

“The first thing he did was apologise to me about his behaviour back then. He told me during our conversation, that they had found Liam’s diary at some point later on. His mum had wanted to keep his room the way it had been when Liam died, and no one was allowed to touch anything or even go inside. I don’t know the details how or when the diary was found or anything, and I didn’t ask either thinking it wasn’t any of my business after all. But what I was curious about was why he suddenly talked about it, especially to me. I wondered if it would reveal something new about Liam’ death.”

“Did it?” Louis glanced Harry questionally.

“Yes and no.” Harry replied vaguely.

”What you mean?”

”I mean we still don’t know what actually happened, but some of the questions were answered. Like Zayn’s part.”

”Oh.” Louis breathed out.

”We learned he had occasionally sold weed to Liam. But we all knew how to get weed if and when we wanted. What we didn’t know, was that Liam had been depressed for a while. He had been struggling quite badly with his studies. He was always a perfectionist so it must been a big thing for him. He also felt that studying law wasn’t really his thing but didn’t want to quit because it had been his parents wish.” Harry wrapped his arms around his folded legs, it made him feel safer that way.

”Is that why he killed himself?”

”We don’t know.” Harry sighed sadly. “James said there had been several suicidal thoughts written in his diary, but we don’t know if he had been just playing with the idea. Just like I did once, or if they were really serious plans.”

”James also said that the drugs the police had found were actually some antidepressants and they had been prescribed to Zayn.”

”What?” Louis cried out. ”I didn’t know he was taking them.”

”I didn’t know either. But apparently Liam had written quite a lot about Zayn in his diary. Saying he had been a big help to him because he understood what Liam was talking about. He had gone through a similar experience.”

”I lived with him for almost a year and I didn’t know.” Louis repeated shaking his head a little.

”I talked to him and asked about it. He said he had been suffering from depression to varying degrees since Secondary. I guess I was still too young to notice when he was living at home and then later we didn’t have the kind of sibling relationship where we would have talked about something like that.” Harry said reminiscing on the first and last conversation he and Zayn had ever had about Liam.

“Of course, Zayn and Liam had known each other since we were kids, but at some point they had started to talk more and they had found out they had something in common and apparently Zayn had been a really big help to him. Much better than his so called friend.” Harry whispered hoarsely, implying himself, as the tears that he had managed to keep from falling, now defiantly made their way out of Harry’s dampened eyes.

”What about the pills?” Louis asked quietly.

”Zayn had given them to him. He said that after he found out what happened to Liam, he really regretted giving them to him. He said he should have taken him to a doctor instead.”  Harry couldn’t help but think at least _he_ had tried to do something for him.

”How do you feel about all of this?” Louis had shifted slightly closer. He carefully took Harry’s hand and intertwined their fingers, giving Harry the much needed strength to carry on.

”I think on some level I will never accept what he did.” Harry swallowed the lump in his throat. “Suicide is not the answer, and at the time we were all left with a bunch of questions without answers. Now we have some, but still, I think I’m never going to fully understand it, but I have had to learn to live with it. And to forgive myself for letting it happen, because I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. I couldn’t help him in the end, but maybe I could help myself live each day without feeling guilty every damn time because I wasn’t there for him at a time in his life when he needed me the most.”

”You didn’t know, Harry. You should be more gentle with yourself.” Louis replied, soothingly rubbing the back of Harry’s hand with his thumb but it didn’t make Harry feel any better. Maybe a bit calmer, but the wound in his heart was now wide open and it hurt like hell.

”I’m trying, but it’s so hard. I abandoned him.” Harry sobbed gripping Louis’ hand a bit tighter. “I didn’t know he was struggling so badly that he wanted to end his own life. I think everyone was just so concerned with Niall’s accident and how he was recovering and no one, including me, paid any attention to Liam.”

”But Niall needed you too.”

”Yeah, he did. But the difference is that Niall is still alive and living a relatively happy life with his fiancé.” Harry retorted, but continued on with a calmer tone when he saw Louis’ questioning eyes. ”I’ve seen him a few times when I’ve visited my mum. Some texts every now and then. You know how life goes.”

“But the main reason still was you.” Harry continued after his slight distraction turning to look at Louis straight into eyes. ”All I was able think about was you, Louis. One time he even asked for my help in his own way, but I just kept talking and prattling on about you. I didn’t even realise he needed me before it was too late.”

”I think that was one of the main reasons why I did what I did to you. Because I was feeling so guilty over Liam.” Harry said with a pleading look in his eyes, hoping that Louis would understand his motivation, even a little bit. “It doesn’t justify it anyhow, but it allowed me to redirect my feelings onto someone other than myself. It was so much easier to hate you than to hate myself. But of course, afterwards I hated myself even more.”

”And then the drugs came in.” Louis stated bluntly.

”Yeah, then the drugs came in.”

***

”How _have_ you been, Harry?” Louis asked carefully after a pause, Harry had needed to calm down again and they had just sat there quietly. But now it felt like the right moment to bring it up.

”I have been clean now for almost four years.” Harry replied smiling, pride brimming in his voice.

”That’s really awesome! You should be proud of yourself!” Harry’s glowing appearance hinted to his overall well being, but it felt good to hear it too.

”It hasn’t been all easy.” Harry admitted, looking down at his fingers before looking back up at Louis.

”I don’t think it’s ever meant to be.”

”I know now, but back then, when we met again I was way too confident. I was so sure everything was going to be fine. Just like that. When it didn’t, I got lost again. I wasn’t strong enough after all.” Harry said, sounding so young and vulnerable again.

”You’re stronger than you think.” Louis said squeezing his hand encouragingly.

“I am now, but back then, I really wasn’t.” Harry said shaking his head which caused a couple of unruly strands of hair to escape from the messy bun that Louis loved so much. “Do you remember that time I showed up at your door after I almost relapsed?”

“Of course, I do.” _How could I ever forget_ , Louis thought inwardly.

“After that night I went back to the Narcotics Anonymous meetings.” Harry confessed biting his lip.

“You never said anything to me!” Louis surprisedly turned to look at the nervous looking boy, _man_ Louis reminded himself, sitting next to him.

“I was scared.”

“About what?” Louis asked softly.

“You. I thought you wouldn’t ever forgive me if I was honest with you about things that weren’t so nice. That you wouldn’t want me near Luca because of that.” Harry answered with a faint smile, some sadness still in his green eyes.

“Harry, no.”

“I know it sounds silly now, but I thought that way back then. It took me a long time to understand I had every right to be weak, too.” Harry said in a firmer, more confident tone this time.

“You weren’t the only one who was scared. I was scared, too.” Louis admitted. “It wasn’t just one thing. I had just become a father and learning to live with an infant who was totally dependent on me. I felt I wasn’t coping well with him and I was a bad parent because I had to work to pay the bills.”

“You’re not a bad parent, Lou. If you think that way, then only rich people could have children.”

“Yeah, I know.” Louis huffed. “But everything was so new then.”

“And then you came back.” Louis continued with a long sigh. “God, I hated you at first. You had no right to come back and mess my world up like that. But somehow you were able to slither back into my life and make us both, me and my son, fall madly in love with you.” From the corner of his eye he was able to see the sudden mirth emerge on Harry’s face, tinting his cheeks with the loveliest hue of pink roses.

“Realising that was the scariest thing ever. I had no idea what to do with those feelings. When you said that almost-relapse scared you, it definitely did the same to me too.” Louis admitted. “At first, I was able to handle it quite well, I think. But then when we got back together, it just consumed my every thought. All I could think was if, or even more likely _when_ you were going to relapse and for the same reason, I was too afraid to tell you how I felt because I thought the mere mention of it would trigger you to use again.” Louis confessed.

“You we worried about Luca and yourself too, and with good reason.” Harry said softly. Why he always had to find excuses to justify Louis’ actions, he’ll never know. It was sweet and really annoying at the same time. Louis let it go this time because he had bigger issues at hand than Harry being too understanding sometimes.

Louis countered “Maybe, but still it wasn’t healthy. The way I blamed you for the things you didn’t even do.”

“I could have.”

“You should stop defending me, Harry.” Louis said this time. “I know what I did, it was wrong and I’m really sorry for what I said to you back then. I really am.”

“It’s alright. Well, I mean those accusations hurt, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s water under the bridge now.” Harry said with a half-smile.

“After you left, I went to Nar-Anon, which is a support group for friends and family who are impacted by drug addiction.” Louis confessed, watching Harry closely to see his reaction.  

“You did?” Harry asked surprised. But perhaps he was even a bit pleased to hear it.

“Yeah.” Louis nodded. “I think it helped me a lot to realise I wasn’t the only one struggling with the same issues and feelings. I was able to talk about my fears with a group of people who knew what I was going through. There were people just like me who had been living in similar situation for years and it was really helpful to talk with them. To learn to understand addiction and how to cope.”

“I have learned to live with the fear, I mean it’s not debilitating anymore. I guess everyone is scared sometimes but you can’t allow it to control your whole life. I can’t live my life thinking all the time ‘what if’.” Louis tried to explain his feelings.

“Do you think you could ever live with someone who is an addict, although sober?” Harry’s voice trembled when the question was posed. Louis turned his whole body to face Harry. He took his hands into his own and squeezed them softly before letting them fall into his lap, their fingers still tightly joined together.

“I have thought about it a lot lately.” Louis started, his eyes staring intently into Harry’s. “I know it’s easy to say now, of course. It’s not that simple and we both know it. But is it manageable? I believe so. It needs a lot of work, from both of us. We need to learn to talk about our feelings. Maybe get professional help, too. But I think we have learned from our mistakes, and grown as individuals.”

“Yeah, we have.” Harry nodded, looking a bit more relieved now. He was quiet for a moment and just watching Louis, making his cheeks blush under his intense gaze. He licked his lips with a small nervous dart of his tongue before he began to talk with a deep timbre to his voice.

“I have thought a lot about us too. Our past, our history. When we met the first time I was head over heels for you. Was it love?” Harry questioned more from himself than Louis. “Maybe, but more like puppy love. Even though at the time it felt all encompassing.”

“But when I think about it now, it was more like I loved the idea of being loved and being in love, if you get what I mean. You were the centre of my life back then and I adored you so much. I don’t think it was even healthy, you know. And if I’m honest, I don’t think it would have lasted.” Harry said, a sad smile on his lips before he continued, “I don’t mean it makes your actions acceptable by any means, but I think we would have broken up anyway. I worshipped you in a way that would have made it impossible for us to be equals. I didn’t want to believe you could be capable of hurting me, and I was too afraid to even ask if I had doubts.”

“I mean, I had doubts,” Harry admitted. “ Like, when I said ‘I love you’ for the first time and you didn’t say it back immediately. When I saw the reaction on your face when you realised Zayn was my brother. The way your body language looked so intimate. Just to name few. But I was like an ostrich burying its head in the sand. What I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me. Of course, it backfired later. But even if we had handled the situation differently, I truly believe the result would have been same. I think we weren’t ready for love earlier.”

“You think we are now?” Louis said, his heart wildly beating in his chest.

“I believe so.” Harry smiled and any residual trepidation just rolled off Louis’ shoulders. “Maybe we were supposed to walk this path as individuals before being ready to finish the journey together. Who knows?”

“You don’t think we are rushing into this again?” Louis asked. It felt different this time. Much more real than it had ever been earlier but still, the fear was there. But the difference was, this time Louis wasn’t afraid to ask.

“I have already loved you for a decade, and after all the things we have gone through, I wouldn’t call it rushing, love.” Harry laughed joyfully and Louis couldn’t but join his laugh.

But then Harry got more serious again and looked visibly nervous.

“There is just one thing I have to say to you, and I really don’t know how you’re gonna react to it.” Harry’s words sounded so ominous, Louis was sure he stopped breathing until Harry spoke again.

“In my letter, I said I want to be there forever—” Harry started, “but I can’t promise you forever. I can’t even promise you tomorrow. But I can promise today and hopefully tomorrow I can promise it again. I have learned to live my life one day in a time. I have plans, hopes and even dreams but after all, the only thing that matters is now. If I’m happy now, I’m happy always.”

Louis gazed at the the flawless profile of the man sitting next to him. His beautiful eyes when he turned his gaze towards Louis, a fond smile graced across his pink lips. He had known since the beginning that Harry would play an important role in his life. Perhaps it all hadn’t gone the way he had hoped it would at first. Even though the years had separated them, fate always brought them back together in one way or another. Like Harry had said earlier, maybe they were meant to walk down this rocky path to become who they were now. It was imperative for them to fully understand themselves, before they could really learn to know one other and accept themselves, and each other, with all the flaws they came with.

It wouldn’t be easy, Louis was sure. There still would be a lot of issues to work through. But when he looked back at their history, he was quite certain it couldn’t get worse than it had been, or then the universe was really fucking with them.

Louis was still tasting Harry’s words of promise from moments ago. They should have scared him, but for some unexplained reason they didn’t. They made his heart flutter like a bunch of small happy butterflies that unfolded their wings after emerging from their chrysalis and it made him just so happy.

Louis carefully took Harry’s hand and squeezed it lightly before he softly cradled his face between his palms and leaned in to kiss him. Lightly at first, and then more passionately. They kissed there on the quilt for what felt like an eternity. It could have been hours, it could have been just minutes. It didn’t matter.

They sat there quietly talking and kissing for a long time.

Darkness had slowly started to fall over the Parisian sky and the pale moon was already watching them, following their every move. Maybe this was the moment when Louis finally realised that he wasn’t afraid anymore. Harry, the man he had learned to trust again despite all odds, would always be there for him. Just like the moon. Standing next to him, even if he wasn’t always able to see it.

“I love you, Harry.” Louis whispered.

“I love you, too. You make me so happy. Right here, right now.”

And suddenly the likely promise of tomorrow felt more meaningful than the clichés of eternal love ever would. This was the feeling Louis had been looking for his all life and finally he had found it with Harry.

The happiness. Right here, right now.

 And despite Harry’s careful words, Louis knew tomorrow was going to be a good day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you liked my fic!
> 
> Kudos and comments are always welcome. But when leaving constructive feedback, please, choose your words kindly.
> 
> If you liked the fic, please feel free to reblog this [post](https://mizzhydes.tumblr.com/post/184596337880/by-mshydestylinson-rating-explicit-wordcount)
> 
> This story was based slightly on real life events but was obviously dramatized plenty. The accident really happened, as well as the consequences from it. There was this love triangle with two brothers involved, not as tricky as this one though. 
> 
> And the most sadly, there was also a suicide. 
> 
> I want to dedicate this fic to my real life ’Liam’. He was also nineteen at the time it happened. Stand By Me was his favourite song and every time I hear the song, I remember you. You were the inspiration for this story and the fic could have never been named anything else. You have been gone for many years now, but it still makes me cry a little to write this. Still miss you. Xxx


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